Blah, blah, blah,....

Kramer vs. Kramer ~ 1979

DHW — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 04:13:52 GMT

So, this movie hit the screens the year my parents divorced and subsequently went to Supreme Court over custody of me. I’ve always been passively curious about it, but never went out of my way to see it. I’d always just sort of trusted Dad about this movie. I can remember being in a video store once, after their divorce, and asking my Dad to rent the movie for me. I was young. He said, "No." I don't recall the reason he gave, just that I understood not to push him on this one. I might have been afraid to hurt him. I don’t think I really even understood what the movie was about,…other than I guess I wondered if it held answers…I wondered what another kid’s story was about…I certainly didn’t understand what the movie was ACTUALLY about, what I was asking my father for or just how close to home the movie would hit. Not until tonight. Some 25 years later. But tonight, Ray and I had a(nother) and while I was waiting for him to get off the phone with his mother, so we could finish, I flicked on the “boob-tube” (as Dad called it) and Kramer vs. Kramer happened to be on. I don’t know what possessed me to see it tonight, but I did, or at least the last half hour. I think I’m glad I missed the first half. I identified with Billy, as a scared child torn away from their father and all the security a father represents. I identified with my father, through the character played by Dustin Hoffman, and appreciated his love for me a little more as I watched this man take on the odds for the love of his child. Then, I heard the Mom testify and I identified with her need to leave, her need to do something healthy and constructive for herself. I understood her need to leave her little boy behind too. She knew he needed his father’s stability and consistency and that she couldn’t provide it while she found herself. She loved him so much she had to let him go. I wonder who my mother loved when she took me with her. Dragged me kick and screaming. Maybe, in her broken state, she knew that she was still my best shot. Maybe she wasn’t really just being reactionary. Maybe she knew he couldn’t have given me the consistence and stability I needed. I don’t know what made her think that she’d do a better job, what made her think that he wouldn’t rise to the occasion,… I don’t even know if she did think or if she just wanted her way. Either way, I watched the movie tonight and re-examined some old and some new wounds and all it amounted to was more hurt. The answers to the secrets have gone with them. I’m left with this legacy of pain and perhaps a propensity to find comfort in it.

Rejection

DHW — Mon, 13 Mar 2006 17:35:33 GMT

I hate it. I don’t cope with it well. Perhaps if my ego wasn’t in such disrepair it would have less of an affect on me, but for now it’s nothing short of devastating. That might be a little over dramatic. It hurts. Hurt is nothing new to me. I’ve come to expect it anymore. I think there must be something about me that deserves it or it couldn’t be so consistent. There are a handful of wounds that have never healed for me. They are all rooted in rejection. Perhaps, it’s that I am spoiled. I’m too used to getting what I want and I sulk when I don’t get it. I wanted my parents to stay together. I wanted my mother to live and I wanted Bubbles to love me. Love. I wanted them all to love me. Just love me enough to make me feel safe.

March 7th 2006

DHW — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 16:12:02 GMT

9 years ago today my mother died. She had breast cancer. They gave her 6 months...she fought it off for nearly 3 years...It was a monster. A damned monster. I was 23 then. I know I'm a big girl now and I should be ok with it....and most times I am,...but some days are more challenging than others. Today is one. The first anniversary of her death bore down on me like inevitability. It seemed safer to always live within the year she’s passed, like I could hold her closer. It always feels as though time is dragging her further from me. She wasn't always a great mom, but she was an awesome woman. She had charisma as long as the day. I miss her. I miss “going home”. I miss having a grandma for my kids. I burned cookies this week b/c I went out to get pizza while they were in the oven. A grandma wouldn’t have let that happen. Sometimes it’s good to not have parents anymore. I don’t have to worry about who we’re offending if we don’t visit at Xmas and I will never have to “come out” to her…She was gone before I knew…I wonder if she knew without telling me though. I’ve heard of that. I catch myself doing things she would be proud of…I wonder if I will out grow that. When do we out grow the need for their approval? I try to make choices for “Me”,…but I don’t think I know how to separate their input in my mind. I’ve subscribed to new traditions so as not to repeat routines that magnify her absence, but sometimes I notice it in the simple places, like when I eat yoghurt. I still can’t bring myself to buy groceries that expire on March 7th though. The date stands out with weight, bold and daunting. As though it challenges me to ignore it. I know I won’t next year with it being the 10th anniversary, but maybe next year.

DHW — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 02:18:00 GMT

The further I come from Bubbles the easier it is to see the things that I have appriciarted about my DH in the past.... I saw her today....(sigh) I still miss her but I now "know" she won't be mine. I'm letting go...but I'm not fighting it anymore.

The Wild Rose

DHW — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 04:19:53 GMT

Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf) Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose. Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling. You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective. Your exact opposite: The Dirty Little Secret Deliberate Gentle Sex Master The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone. This "insight" brought to you by: www.okcupid.com/oktest3 "You're never truly single as long as you have yourself." ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

This blog is for Ed!

DHW — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 04:35:45 GMT

Who got it in his head, "Hey maybe Jenn is dead(?)" "I could leave her alone.." he said, But he reached out instead. My ego he did fed. And that works better than any med. LOL Thank-you Ed!

3-0

DHW — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 16:05:40 GMT

Oh the ironey! Well, we lost our first game on Saturday...It was our last game b/f Xmas. We're Red and were playing Green... It was humbling... I keep telling myself it was Xmas Charity...(sigh) I LIKED being "undefeated" though! It ha a certain untouchable ring to it... I console myself with the fact we're at least still in 1st place...

What a PAIN...!

DHW — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 23:52:31 GMT

Never experianced this before...but at Satuday's soccer game (5-1) I started experiancing strange double vison and glowing lights everywhere I looked. I thought it was my contact lenses at first but nope. We play indoor at night so the were lights everywhere but they were glowing purple and green to me and no one else! Then I went to a ball that Jill passed me and it was the :wrong: ball!!!!!!!!!! I had such double vision I saw two balls quiet clearly....I gave up when my knees started to buckle and came off the field...I really thought I was about to pass out! I couldn't even walk str8! Turns out it was a migrain...WTF??? Never had one before.... Still scored a goal though! LOL ;-)

It's dark out...

DHW — Sun, 13 Nov 2005 15:34:32 GMT

I just want to be loved by somebody...I don't even care who anymore! My husband has withdrawn... He is SO distant now that not only have we not fooled around in over a month...he just looks right through me. And that feels like rejection. Right now, it feels like he may never return... Bubbles is still...an unrelenting tease. She was here Friday to help me make appitizers to take to a friend's 40th. She asked sort of teasing, "What you don't want to be my friend anymore?" then grew increasingly uncomfortable when I wouldn't answer. This friendship thing is crap! She tells me "hugging isn't againt the rules" Shit! There are SO many damn rules I'm paralized! AND why do I let her make all the rules!!!! 'cause...I'm pathetic! She and her family come for dinner on Friday eve for the first time. UGH! I so long for her warmth. Do you think it would be acceptable dinner conversation if I said to her H. "So,...Bubbles tells me you had a vasectomy last week-end... Do your balls hurt? I fucked your wife... Do they hurt now?" I'm tired (just a little embittered) and just want to curl up in SOMEONE's arms! then maybe solicit a back rub...and a little nibble on the neck... I mean I'm not "looking". To be honest life is full (of chaos) enough! I'm just tired of "being strong" I want to lay my head down somewhere besides the gravel of these crossroads. 7 daze with out love maks one weak...

TRY THIS!

DHW — Tue, 01 Nov 2005 15:22:22 GMT

We went out for Dim Sum on Sunday and when the bill (with the fortune cookies) came to the table beside us, one of the women suggested that her friends try adding "...in bed." to the end of their fortunes. I'd never heard of that before...but it was hysterical!

And then WHAM...it hit me!

DHW — Wed, 19 Oct 2005 17:28:58 GMT

My Intellectual side and my Emotional side wrestle over every paradox, painfully so. Partly because of this, the intellectual side - being more mature, has dragged us “all” (my sides and I) to therapy. Like parents, my intellectual side and I have been troubled by the apparent slowness of my emotional side's development. Impatiently, I’ve banged my head on the idea of accepting a new truth and a new set of paradigms, but I always ended up feeling like I'm being tricked, and in a heightened state of paranoia reject the idea. Then, last night, all at once the emotional side of me grew. I felt it! It just pushed through the soil, or unfolded a new leaf...or maybe, even blossomed? (No, too far)! The emotional storm had been brewing for days if not months and on the cusp of his asking me for a divorce (largely because he too has grown impatient with my emotional side) I suddenly understood all that had held me back. While I was mulling over the “issues” of our crumbling relationship with him, I came to understand that which I already “knew”, I am responsible for my own happiness, not he. What’s more, if I dare to accept this as a principal the, converse must than also be true; Nor, is he responsible for my misery. Like lightening strikes, in the night, it hit me. Self determination! Mine has atrophied appallingly! It wasn’t his overbearingness anymore than my, underachievement that has overwhelmed me. I’d turned the reins over to Ray, because after so many years of “raising myself” I couldn’t do it any more. After all, HE was the responsible one. HE was older. HE knew better. HE was right and he seemed to like to take care of me. He believed it and so than, did I. At first it was easy, a relief even. I began to curl up into a ball and just roll along; lulled by his steady stride, confident that he’d do me no harm. It was SO long ago that now it seems like it’s the way it’s always been. “Cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind…'''” S.M. Intellectually, I understand the value of making decisions. Last week my veins surged with pride when my four year old, clearly disappointed that I’d walked to pick her up from school instead of having driven the 200m, looked up at me a said, “Mommy, I want to make my OWN decisions now”. But, in fact, decisions have always frightened me. The consequence of making mistakes (perhaps due to emotional decisions) has paralyzed me…''' And in rolling along, I stopped making decisions. I have let decisions be made for me and have let that sick joke “hind-sight” be the gage to my success. And regret the conduit for resentment. As things turned out not to please me, I resented the people around me for bringing them to pass. Ushering me to another fork in the road, “What to do with my life?” “The road diverged in the yellow wood and I…'''” R.F. Chose to loiter there until the wood grew up around me and I sunk onto my knees. I have allowed my anger with my mother be the guiding principal of my life. For example; my University degree is not mine. It’s the one my mother would be proud of. My house is not mine. It’s the house that my mother would have admired. It’s not my pride that Lynton has learned to read. It’s an appeal to a dead woman to PLEASE be proud of me. When they pulled me off her grave marker crying, “I wasn’t finished”, I think I actually meant, “I wasn’t finished proving myself to you!” I have been living out my mother’s life as it could have been in the eyes of a child. I have beautifully constructed everything that SHOULD have been. It is mine, but it is not “me”. There are some decisions to be made here. I’m not going to make them out of anger this time though. I’m not necessarily going to sell my house, anymore than I will begrudge my daughter learning to read. I am going to be open to reassessment and choose with different motives in the future. Band-aids! All of them! Band-aids on a festering wound so deep its inception was nearly forgotten. There is a hole in my sole. It aches and gushes occasionally and I have spent my life trying to put Band-Aids on it; Michelle, Raymond, alcohol, my degree, the kids, Rx drugs, our house, soccer, Bubbles, the Internet and (almost) lesbianism! None of it works. I've been told that I had to “heal the hole from within”. My emotional side didn’t believe. I thought if I could just spend a little longer with her, or high, or drunk, or on-line, the pain would stop. If I could just stuff enough gauze IN the hole it would go away. My intellectual side grabbed onto this new paradigm, found it easy to accept, but then couldn’t figure out HOW to pull it off. Last night, in explaining to Raymond why he can’t “make me happy”, I got it! I accepted that the hole must heal from within and further more made a plan that will begin the process. SSRIs are merely an antibiotic. It must grow up from the bottom. No amount of stitching from the top will hold the puss in. I’ve decided that to heal the hole, I must make decisions! In my recognizing my desire to write as valid, I have re-awakened my belief in myself and my self determination. Today I did not smite any mighty blows, but believing again is golden. I don’t want to do things out of anger. I don’t want to go about living my life as a result of the things I disagree(d) with. I don’t have to greet the fork in the road with apathy; I don’t have to be a lesbian just because I kissed a girl AND just because I sought comfort there does not pre-determine me to an eccentric life in a women’s commune in Tucson. LMAO! These are a few of the things that came to light for me last night, when Raymond said, “I want a divorce.”

I know, you told me not to...

DHW — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 02:25:24 GMT

but I spent most of the afternoon with my Bubbles...(and our kids). She invited us over for a play date since there was no school today - being Thanks (fucking) giving. And since I was depressed about it being Thanksgiving I went...and was thankful. It was surly a pleasure to bask in her company. -We shared a bowl of popcorn and had a glass of Champagne (hence her nick name) on her couch, in front of the TV, just like old times. Minus the part where we rip each other's clothes off and...(CENSORED)! -She had a little trinket she'd picked up from somewhere for me b/c she thought it would amuse me (she was right)...and a birthday card that she saw for me to send someone (else)... I thought that was odd,...but she said, "It was so YOU I had to get it for you to send to someone." For that understanding, I was appreciative. -We also set up a new date for "Chicks Poker night" a tradition that we'd let go since August...but that had always ended in pleasurable hours of devilish debauchery! This one'll be a costome poker party! -AND I got an e-mail from her tonight saying, "Lick me all over?" Now, I know she (not being instant messenger savvy) was replying with a guess as to what my note "LMAO" had meant...but I prefer to take it out of context for now...(LMFAO!) (sigh) I longed for a kiss, a cuddle, even to rest our feet together on the coffee table as a sign of old warmth,...but for now popcorn and Cham. will do... ...Must find a way to be the last to leave poker night... "Liquor in the front,...Poker in the rear"

Widdle Waddle...

DHW — Wed, 05 Oct 2005 03:51:03 GMT

Go on, CLICK on it... Then tell me there isn't at least one person a day you'd love to do this to!

Dumped...

DHW — Thu, 22 Sep 2005 02:01:40 GMT

OMG... The woman who made getting up and going through the motions worth doing,...just set me at an arm's length. She's SO beautiful...isn't she? I've been filleted...and disemboweled. This has NEVER happened to me before. I'm sufficating... I HATE this. She's worried my feelings for her are going to mess up our friendship...Man I'm already so messed. My confession was my downfall.

Rampage...

DHW — Sun, 11 Sep 2005 03:02:32 GMT

Wow! A little PMS goes a LONG way! Cleaned to whole house today! Worked so hard at it I might actually be sore for my soccer game tomorrow! Usually it's soccer that makes me too sore to clean! HA! Threw out LOTS of brok'n toys and old art work from school. LOVE it! Oh and Mc Donald's toys too!!! YES! Gone, gone GONE! Stupid, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Squirrles that came with our last chicken nugget orders will finely find a new home in a dump somewhere! Yippee!

DHW — Mon, 29 Aug 2005 03:32:23 GMT

Kicked ass in soccer today! Beat a rival team that SO needed to be beaten! But....I'm THINKING I may have over caffinated to do it! No sleep for the wicked I guess!

Home again...Home again

DHW — Thu, 25 Aug 2005 02:21:37 GMT

Jiggety Jig! Just back from the cottage with my fam. Wow! I surrived all 10 DAZE! We actually had a nice time for a change! A real relief! LONG drive though as we took 2 cars 6hours each way plus kiddie stops. Anyhow I'm home and back surfing away here.

Blog Cherry...

DHW — Mon, 15 Aug 2005 04:14:56 GMT

"POP!" Well, I MUST have something important to say!(?)! I'm frustrated by many of the forces at work in my life. I'm used to dealing with them by being "strong enough". I hit a breaking point a year or so ago and can't seem to relocate that rhythem I had. I'm feeling like the littlest thing breaks me down now... I know I was too strong before and keeping people at a distance wasn't working...but the pendullum seems to have swung too far the other way anymore...I keep waiting for it to swing back...waiting...waiting..."HELLO?"...<<echo>> waiting. It will come back. I'm sure it will. Or was I meant to sluff off my defences altogether? Seems unwise, unsafe, unlikely! More push-ups...(!)