It's sooooo ironic that Ganesha is on my calender this month!

I don't usually blog about being depressed or serious personal poopie! I'd much rather

vent about the trivial, yet incredibly absurd stuff in my life in public. Tonight,

however, I'm feeling the need for some volcanic spewing so I'm just going to let off

some typographical steam! Most of you never get a chance to see my darker side. My

friends see me laughing most of the time. Despite that, some of you know that I've been

dealing with a lot of "CHALLENGES" in the past year; chronic pain issues, heavy

personal/family stuff, job issues,car problems, money problems. You name it; the stuff

of, unfortunately, MY life!

One of the things that has always kept me going were the creative outlets. For most of

my life I've been lucky enough to be successful creatively. I've made money selling art.

I used to do a lot of theater & little film parts. As a singer, I paid my rent with my

music for many years. Having an artistic venue for my emotions has been a great help

when times were tough. Now, I appear to be at a standstill creatively!Most of what's

blocking me has to do with those two devils, time and money!

I've started to do a little art again, but since my ex took or destroyed most of my

supplies a few years back, I'm really limited in the kind of projects I am doing. Would

you believe both my manuel & digital cameras are messed up too?I've done a little extra

work but I'm not in the union,and I have no agent or professional head shots, and my

stage work resume is OLD! I was doing a lot of writing on my laptop (The portability of

a laptop is really terrific for someone who has a lot of pain by the way!) until it

croaked on me!Of course I hadn't backed anything up either! It's all so ridiculous!

Mostly, I want to sing! It seems like everyone wants to hear something first and I don't

have a way to transfer any of my old recordings to MP3 files from cassette right now.

I've had people tell me they can do this for way too much money and a couple have

offered to do it for free, but then they flaked. You can't be too mad at someone for

flaking when they were oferring to do it for free can you? Andy even offered to give me

guitar lessons a couple years ago, but he's never had the time.

Again, only FREE is in my budget right now so I must wait!

Anyway, after a number of emails back & forth to musician ads all wanting me to email

them some recordings or see my "MYSPACE" music page, I want to scream, kick the virtual

dog, and bang my head against the wall. I'm sure it'll all work out & the creative block

will pass, but I hate those feeling so boxed in!

I know it sounds CRAZY, but it's times like these that I really envy those with the

self-destructive gene! I wish I could drown my sorrows in a bottle 'til I pass out,

swallow mass quantities of narcotics until I'm dizzy & numb, go out to a nasty singles

bar and have really angry sex with a stranger, or even go sing karaoke.....Aaaagh,

that's going too far! Those kind of things have never appealed to me though or at least

NOT when I'm depressed.

I wish I could say, I feel all better now, but at least I got it out!

Happy Friday night all!