Gawd this year has been ridiculously tough. Surely there is some magic in store for me? I think I just want to take a moment to blog this all down so that I can take a good look at what’s gone on this year…

My grandmother passed away in late February and that pretty much got the ball rolling. I flew to Florida when I heard that she might not recover this time. She had all kinds of things happen over the years but this time she had congenital heart failure and the prognosis was not good. I was very, very close to my grandmother. How could I not be? She was there throughout my entire childhood. I learned to speak Spanish because of her (she was from Barranquilla, Colombia). I learned all about love, faith, prayer, devotion, and my love for God from her. She was everything to me. I often thought, “Who would love me if she died?” I know people love me and, of course, I have my family and friends, but there’s something about how my grandmother loved me that was different. It was really safe and nurturing and I never felt that she wanted anything but for me to love her in return.

So watching her die wasn’t easy. I’d never seen anyone suffer so much. Her last days were spent at the hospital attached to a vent. I could hear the fluid in her lungs as she labored to breathe. Her countenance was of one in constant pain with only very short reprieves from it. They would give her morphine but it would only let her sleep for about 15 minutes before she was suffering all over again. It was too much to bear at times and one afternoon I had to leave the room for a few minutes to have an anxiety attack. I freaked out and called my boyfriend at the time. I think I told him I wanted to break up with him. He didn’t take that well, poor guy. The stupid things you say when you’re freaking out…

In spite all of the suffering, my grandmother wasn’t about to go without teaching me one more lesson and that was the lesson of “letting go”. During her last days I watched her do everything she could to hold on. To hold on to the little bit of life she had. I kept thinking that she must be so afraid. So full of fear, yet more than anything she wanted to cross over. I knew that if she just let go that she would be free. She would realize that there wasn’t any reason to hold on to the suffering. I read her scripture and told her that there was nothing to fear about dying, that she would be free, that now was the time. I told her how much I loved her, how thankful I was for all she had done, what a wonderful job she had done raising me, and how proud I was of her for being so strong. I left it like that until the next day which was the last day I was able to see her before returning back to San Francisco. When I saw her I knew she was okay. She finally did it! She let go. She did it on her terms and in her own time. I kept wanting to do it for her. You can’t rush these things. I knew I could go home. I knew she was ready and I was filled with happiness for her. I said my final good-byes to her. She died the next day. The hospital called my father and told him he needed to come in right away. He got there with my stepmother. My grandmother was waiting for him. He kissed her good-bye; she kissed her good-bye and she passed over. My sweet grandmother, she waited patiently as she always did and then she left.

So that was the beginning of this year. It was only a couple of months after that that both my ex-boyfriend and I moved out of his house. He was selling it and that was the end of another chapter. We told ourselves we needed some time apart. Living separately would be good for us. We ended up breaking up altogether in May. It just wasn’t working out. I’d been doing an enormous amount of soul searching in the form of psychotherapy, workshops, etc. Truth is, I wasn’t who I thought I was anymore. My grandmother had taught me a very valuable lesson: I needed to let go. I needed to let go of the person I thought I was in relationships. I needed to let go of old behaviors that served me no longer. As I watched all my false selves shatter, I felt raw and vulnerable and confused but more certain about who I was. The relationship I had with this man was by far the most intense, the most loving, the most spiritual, the most anything I’d ever had, but it was also built on ideas of what the ideal relationship would be like. My spirit was there, but when it came down to the human desires it was incompatible. ~ Crushing, shattering, exploding, fragments, piece by piece, rebuilding, renewal, forming, transformation, wholeness, One ~ I cried for months about that loss. Heartbreak #2. Two loves of my life gone in a matter of months.

Alright, where am I now? Some time has gone by. I’ve cried all I can cry. Healing is kicking in. Okay, so now I’m dating. I hate dating. Did I mention this? Dating sucks. No, actually it doesn’t. It’s actually a great way to not think about the things you don’t want to think about. It brings NEW stress in your life. Gotta love it. So I’m seeing asshole after asshole, giving them nicknames, cataloging them, having a fine time going over all the sordid details with my girls. I had one though who liked being submissive. Now that was fuuuun….So things are moving along, hmm, what shall I do now? I decide to switch careers. I’d been doing admin work for too long. I decide that going back to massage is going to be the best thing for me. For two months I do massage and all the while my eczema is giving me a bit of a hard time. During the time I’m doing massage I meet someone. I meet someone who turns me out! Sexy, intelligent, passionate, masculine, dripping with erotica. Oh gawd! He’s one to keep but I can’t keep him. We have our understanding. We see each other when it’s convenient. Oh boy! The passion is one thing but that's not the part that gets me. It’s the conversations we end up having all night long. It’s the way I feel safe in his arms. It’s the way he cares for me. It’s the things we don’t say. I just want to love him. I want to caress him until he falls asleep in my arms. I want to hear his poetry. I love waking up next to him. We each feel the same until we decide that it can’t be this way. Now’s not a good time. So we part. Bummer. Short-lived but oh so sweet. Hmm. I realize I don’t do well with these things. Dare I admit that I’m fragile? Oh shit, I love being in love. Yeah, that's right. I just love being with someone. I love relationships but now is just not a good time. I have other things I have to do. My skin decides to really be honest about what’s going on with me. I have a major flare-up. This one is bad. This one makes me ill. I have to go on steroids. I can’t work. I quit massage. I quit everything.

This brings me up to date. I haven’t been working for 3 weeks now. This flare-up changed my life. It has made me take a good look at what’s going on with me. I take everything in AND to heart. It’s just my nature and I need to be really honest about that. My body is telling me so. What to do now? I’m moving. I’m leaving San Francisco. I gave notice where I’m living now. I’ll be gone at the end of the month. I’m moving to Sacramento to live with my mom. I need to rest a bit. I need to get my health back. I like to think that I’m suffering from a broken heart. It’s not fatal. It just needs some tending to. Nothing some meditation, prayer, and more love couldn’t mend. Hopefully, when I get my health back, I can move away. I’m thinking New Zealand sounds nice. The pace of life seems slower and less hectic. I’m realizing that’s who I am. I’m not a city person but it was a nice try. I can’t tell you how happy I am even with the skin condition to finally just be myself. My skin will heal as I heal and as I become more truthful about who I am and what I need. I don’t think I’m coming back to the City. Eleven years is long enough. I think it’s time for me to let go of the City but the story doesn’t end here…