Of Love and Other Demons

Healing again

diskofleshpot — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 04:07:14 GMT

I've embarked on the journey to find healing once again. The last time I had a major flare-up with my skin it took me 3 years to find someone who could help me. It would have been so easy for me to take steroids or apply steroidal creams and ointments but then I would have been treating the symptoms instead of going to the root of the problem. I know that for me, my skin reflects my mental and emotional health. I wear my heart on my skin so to speak. I'm actually very grateful for this because I am forced to deal with my own disconnection. I think everything is okay but my skin says something to the contrary. I went to an acupuncturist on Monday who was referred to me by one of my very close friends. She had said amazing things about him both as a doctor of traditional chinese medicine and as an instructor. The appointment was a standard first visit with the usual questions about my history, emotional well-being, etc. The part that wasn't so usual was when he actually needled me. He used 4 points on me of which I can identify none since I am not educated about these things. For the first point I was prone and it was around C7. This one was somewhat uncomfortable but not too bad. At first it felt concentrated just at the point of insertion but then the Qi dispersed and it was fine. After that point, I then lay supine and he inserted a needle in each arm between the end of my elbow crease and my lateral epicondyle. Those were painful!!!! I felt like he was screwing the needles into each arm. This was the first time I'd ever felt this kind of pain during an acupuncture session. My left arm kept twitching in response and all I could do was just breathe through it. The final point was around the top of my kneecap medially. As soon as he inserted that needle, a strong wave of Qi went from my feet to my head and I suddenly felt very emotional. I told him that I felt like I wanted to cry and right after I said that, I started crying heavily for about 15 minutes. It was such a great release and something I had experienced before but not through acupuncture. I had a strong feeling that would happen even before I went to see him. After that point he said that that was enough for today and that he would give me herbs to take in lieu of the last point that he was going to do. I can't tell you how much better I felt after that one session. I had had all this heat in my head before I went to see him and it was making me miserable. I felt like I had a fever all the time even though my temperature wasn't 98.6 but more like 97.9. Not only is the heat gone but my skin is improving every day. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again on Saturday. I told him that whatever it takes, I want to get well. It just amazes me how much I grow spiritually from these experiences. It's also so very different from the last time I went through this because I'm single now. The last time I was married and I had my husband to lean on. I, without a doubt, have the full support of friends and family but it's still different without a partner. I'm relying so much right now on their sweet words of love and my faith in God, Papa, my angels, and all my spiritual helpers. I am so very blessed and looking forward to doing the work that this particular journey is leading me to. I can't wait to help others as I have been helped. I love my life.

Letting go damn it!

diskofleshpot — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 05:12:16 GMT

Gawd this year has been ridiculously tough. Surely there is some magic in store for me? I think I just want to take a moment to blog this all down so that I can take a good look at what’s gone on this year… My grandmother passed away in late February and that pretty much got the ball rolling. I flew to Florida when I heard that she might not recover this time. She had all kinds of things happen over the years but this time she had congenital heart failure and the prognosis was not good. I was very, very close to my grandmother. How could I not be? She was there throughout my entire childhood. I learned to speak Spanish because of her (she was from Barranquilla, Colombia). I learned all about love, faith, prayer, devotion, and my love for God from her. She was everything to me. I often thought, “Who would love me if she died?” I know people love me and, of course, I have my family and friends, but there’s something about how my grandmother loved me that was different. It was really safe and nurturing and I never felt that she wanted anything but for me to love her in return. So watching her die wasn’t easy. I’d never seen anyone suffer so much. Her last days were spent at the hospital attached to a vent. I could hear the fluid in her lungs as she labored to breathe. Her countenance was of one in constant pain with only very short reprieves from it. They would give her morphine but it would only let her sleep for about 15 minutes before she was suffering all over again. It was too much to bear at times and one afternoon I had to leave the room for a few minutes to have an anxiety attack. I freaked out and called my boyfriend at the time. I think I told him I wanted to break up with him. He didn’t take that well, poor guy. The stupid things you say when you’re freaking out… In spite all of the suffering, my grandmother wasn’t about to go without teaching me one more lesson and that was the lesson of “letting go”. During her last days I watched her do everything she could to hold on. To hold on to the little bit of life she had. I kept thinking that she must be so afraid. So full of fear, yet more than anything she wanted to cross over. I knew that if she just let go that she would be free. She would realize that there wasn’t any reason to hold on to the suffering. I read her scripture and told her that there was nothing to fear about dying, that she would be free, that now was the time. I told her how much I loved her, how thankful I was for all she had done, what a wonderful job she had done raising me, and how proud I was of her for being so strong. I left it like that until the next day which was the last day I was able to see her before returning back to San Francisco. When I saw her I knew she was okay. She finally did it! She let go. She did it on her terms and in her own time. I kept wanting to do it for her. You can’t rush these things. I knew I could go home. I knew she was ready and I was filled with happiness for her. I said my final good-byes to her. She died the next day. The hospital called my father and told him he needed to come in right away. He got there with my stepmother. My grandmother was waiting for him. He kissed her good-bye; she kissed her good-bye and she passed over. My sweet grandmother, she waited patiently as she always did and then she left. So that was the beginning of this year. It was only a couple of months after that that both my ex-boyfriend and I moved out of his house. He was selling it and that was the end of another chapter. We told ourselves we needed some time apart. Living separately would be good for us. We ended up breaking up altogether in May. It just wasn’t working out. I’d been doing an enormous amount of soul searching in the form of psychotherapy, workshops, etc. Truth is, I wasn’t who I thought I was anymore. My grandmother had taught me a very valuable lesson: I needed to let go. I needed to let go of the person I thought I was in relationships. I needed to let go of old behaviors that served me no longer. As I watched all my false selves shatter, I felt raw and vulnerable and confused but more certain about who I was. The relationship I had with this man was by far the most intense, the most loving, the most spiritual, the most anything I’d ever had, but it was also built on ideas of what the ideal relationship would be like. My spirit was there, but when it came down to the human desires it was incompatible. ~ Crushing, shattering, exploding, fragments, piece by piece, rebuilding, renewal, forming, transformation, wholeness, One ~ I cried for months about that loss. Heartbreak #2. Two loves of my life gone in a matter of months. Alright, where am I now? Some time has gone by. I’ve cried all I can cry. Healing is kicking in. Okay, so now I’m dating. I hate dating. Did I mention this? Dating sucks. No, actually it doesn’t. It’s actually a great way to not think about the things you don’t want to think about. It brings NEW stress in your life. Gotta love it. So I’m seeing asshole after asshole, giving them nicknames, cataloging them, having a fine time going over all the sordid details with my girls. I had one though who liked being submissive. Now that was fuuuun….So things are moving along, hmm, what shall I do now? I decide to switch careers. I’d been doing admin work for too long. I decide that going back to massage is going to be the best thing for me. For two months I do massage and all the while my eczema is giving me a bit of a hard time. During the time I’m doing massage I meet someone. I meet someone who turns me out! Sexy, intelligent, passionate, masculine, dripping with erotica. Oh gawd! He’s one to keep but I can’t keep him. We have our understanding. We see each other when it’s convenient. Oh boy! The passion is one thing but that's not the part that gets me. It’s the conversations we end up having all night long. It’s the way I feel safe in his arms. It’s the way he cares for me. It’s the things we don’t say. I just want to love him. I want to caress him until he falls asleep in my arms. I want to hear his poetry. I love waking up next to him. We each feel the same until we decide that it can’t be this way. Now’s not a good time. So we part. Bummer. Short-lived but oh so sweet. Hmm. I realize I don’t do well with these things. Dare I admit that I’m fragile? Oh shit, I love being in love. Yeah, that's right. I just love being with someone. I love relationships but now is just not a good time. I have other things I have to do. My skin decides to really be honest about what’s going on with me. I have a major flare-up. This one is bad. This one makes me ill. I have to go on steroids. I can’t work. I quit massage. I quit everything. This brings me up to date. I haven’t been working for 3 weeks now. This flare-up changed my life. It has made me take a good look at what’s going on with me. I take everything in AND to heart. It’s just my nature and I need to be really honest about that. My body is telling me so. What to do now? I’m moving. I’m leaving San Francisco. I gave notice where I’m living now. I’ll be gone at the end of the month. I’m moving to Sacramento to live with my mom. I need to rest a bit. I need to get my health back. I like to think that I’m suffering from a broken heart. It’s not fatal. It just needs some tending to. Nothing some meditation, prayer, and more love couldn’t mend. Hopefully, when I get my health back, I can move away. I’m thinking New Zealand sounds nice. The pace of life seems slower and less hectic. I’m realizing that’s who I am. I’m not a city person but it was a nice try. I can’t tell you how happy I am even with the skin condition to finally just be myself. My skin will heal as I heal and as I become more truthful about who I am and what I need. I don’t think I’m coming back to the City. Eleven years is long enough. I think it’s time for me to let go of the City but the story doesn’t end here…

My False Selves and How They Are Attached to Him

diskofleshpot — Mon, 29 May 2006 21:27:06 GMT

3-D 3rd-Dimensional Relationships The way relationships normally work with us here in our 3rd dimension. SEPARATION Separation is only an illusion. Separation from the God Source. Separation from each other. And separation from aspects of our self. SECRECY Witholding information from my partner & from myself. With secrecy, my partner never gets to know who I truly am. Keeps me separated from the greater portion of myself. FEAR-BASED MONOGAMY Through my monogamous relationship, I am "separated" from the vulnerability of having to deal with any other relationships. Therefore, I feel "safe" (separate and safe). CONDITIONAL LOVE I will love you, only so long as you fulfill my needs and expectations. I will withdraw my love, if you do not satisfy me. COMMITTMENT I need commitment, in order to avoid my fear of having to deal with other relationships. Commitment is a 3rd-dimensional illusion. Commitment never insures my security. Commitment only makes me think or feel that I am secure. EXPECTATION I want, expect, and try to get my partner to fulfill my expectations and needs. I use my partner to satisfy my needs. MANIPULATION I use obvious or hidden manipulation so that my needs will be met, and so that I can remain protected from my own fears. I only see my partner as who I need them to be, not who they really are. THE NEED TO CONTROL I do not trust that everything that occurs is for my highest good. Therefore, I need to control and shape the relationship, so that it will take the form I wish it to be. I feel like I "own" my partner. RELATIONSHIP takes Precedence to PERSONAL GROWTH DEPENDENCY I depend on and need someone outside of myself in order to be happy. A PERSON CAN NOT FULLY LOVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON. 3-D emphasizes Duality. If my partner begins to also love another person, that means he/she will have less love for me. (This is an illusion.) My partner spending LESS TIME with me is not good. PAIN There is always pain when I function from the 3-D relationships "mind-set". ENDING A RELATIONSHIP creates PAIN & LOSS. FEAR or PAIN of LONELINESS Loneliness, like separation, is a 3-D illusion. ANGER AT ANOTHER (Externalized anger) I am angry at my partner for not meeting my needs! VICTIMHOOD "Hurters" & "Victims" I sometimes hurt others. I am sometimes hurt by the comments or actions of others. "Hurters" & "Victims" is an illusion. There is no victim hood, since each one creates their own reality. FEELING RESPONSIBLE for the NEEDS of my PARTNER My partner is seeking to have their needs met externally by me, but a person's needs can never really be met by anyone else, so they are bound to eventually get angry at me, for not fulfilling their needs. 4-D 4th-Dimensional Relationships The way relationships normally work on the 4th dimension. INTEGRATION + REINTEGRATION Everything and everyone are really all connected. HONESTY + OPENNESS Total honesty with my partner. With honesty, my partner gets to know who I truly am. Honesty means being 100% who I truly am. I do not withold a comment or information just to avoid hurting my partner, or to control the relationship. I can never really know or predict what will hurt another or how they will react to my honesty. Therefore, I should stop assuming responsibility for the other person's emotions, growth, & reactions to my honest non-manipulative communications. RELATIONSHIPS BY CHOICE Monogamy-by-choice or Polygamy-by-choice or Poly-Fidelity-by-choice. There is no inherent "right" or "wrong" to any type of relationship: They are all inherently neutral. Any type of relationship is "okay". If I choose monogamy, this does not mean that I expect or need my partner to also choose monogamy. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE Even if you don't fulfill my needs and expectations, I will still love you. I love you for who you are without trying to change you. BEING IN THE PRESENT Commitment would take me out of the present. I stay in the present, and I do not need a commitment, because I trust that the future will take care of itself. NO EXPECTATIONS I trust and have no expectations from my partner. I enjoy my partner, but without expectations. ALLOWINGNESS I allow my partner to be who they need to be. Only then can I see who they truly are. ABSOLUTE TRUST I trust that everything that occurs is for my highest good. Therefore, I have no desire or need to control my partner. PERSONAL GROWTH takes Precedence to RELATIONSHIP. SELF-SUFFICIENCY I recognize that I, and only I, am the creator of my own reality. Therefore, only I, am the generator of my own Happiness. A PERSON CAN FULLY LOVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON. 4-D emphasizes Multiplicity. No matter how many other people my partner loves, this does not diminish at all, in any way, how much love he/she has for me. No matter how many other people I love, this does not diminish at all, in any way, how much love I have for my partner. My partner spending LESS TIME with me is fine. If I truly love myself unconditionally, then the time spent with myself is equal in value to the time spent with my partner. I love myself as much as I love my partner. Therefore, the time I spend alone is just as enjoyable as the time spent with my partner. Therefore, it's okay if I spend less time with my partner. HAPPINESS, PLEASURE, & ECSTACY There is never any pain, only happiness, pleasure, and ecstasy, when I function from the 4-D relationships "mind-set". ENDING A RELATIONSHIP does not create PAIN & LOSS. In realizing that this relationship is no longer serving us, we choose to harmoniously end it. We recognize that the relationship is going in different directions, and so we allow it to end, without any hard feelings. Only with love. FEELING CONNECTED to SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. Even if my partner is far away (in space), or even if I haven't seen my partner for a long time (in time), I still feel very connected to them. Whereas separation is an illusion, being actually connected-together is the reality. ANGER AT MYSELF (Internalized anger) I am angry at myself for creating a reality that I do not prefer. I CREATE MY OWN REALITY. Self-Responsibility Self-Empowerment I create my own reality, and this even includes other people's reactions to my actions. I can never be hurt by another person. I can never hurt another person. Only I am responsible for my reactions to other people's comments or actions. BEING RESPONSIBLE for what I would like to GIVE to My PARTNER & our RELATIONSHIP I am pure in my intention in my relationship. I am 100% who I truly am with my partner. I am responsible for what, in my integrity, I would like to give to our relationship. ~I actually found this on someone else's blog and copied it. It was so powerful I couldn't walk away from it. For now my precious relationship, as I knew it, is over. We are just friends. I've come to a point where I just have to deal with a heart that is utterly and completely heartbroken. I also have to deal with the fact that so much of what is said about a 3rd dimensional relationship is true for me. I hate looking at it. I hate seeing this part of myself. I want to be angry and I want to blame and I want to scream and ultimately really all I want to do is let go. I would like to stop causing my own pain. I'd like to be able to love freely from my own great strength, and be able to accept fully, not only my ex-lover, but everyone without criticism or judgement. I want to be able to have compassion and acceptance for myself. I know this takes time but I'm completely engulfed by all of these emotions and days like today it just seems like it's too much to bear. In the next moment I could be fine, it could be a distant memory. For now, in this present moment, I am neither squelching the pain nor am I pushing it away. I'm letting it flow for me breathing through each wave. It's all I can do. ~

ISO new adventures in Workville

diskofleshpot — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 22:57:00 GMT

Well, I'm finally sick of doing the same old admin job year after year. I would love to try sales but how do I do this with no experience? I am perusing the want ads but I welcome any advice or suggestions. Also, if you need information from me, please feel free to email. You know where to find me. Thank you!