:: Still life with Jake

djspire — Tue, 13 Dec 2005 10:07:50 GMT

(Ok. I'm a little resistant to the whole Bolg idea for some reason. Perhaps the idea of a public journal is an oxymoron to me? But heck, weirder things have happened. And so into the breach.) I'm in a recharge phase. I'm loving the 'me' time. Slowing down long enough to observe myself, notice my habits, breathe through them, love them, laugh a little, let them pass without judgment if possible... Perhaps a blog is a part of that. I'd also like to aspire (heh) to be a more public person. No, not more social (god knows I'm plenty social), just more ... transparent. Hide less. I do a lot of hiding. And self-judging. Working to change that. I've come a long way and I've got even further to go. Every day is a new day. Is there anything to be more grateful for than that? Most memorable and useful two pieces of advice I ever got from a councilor: 1. No matter how ugly you think they are, you have to find a way to see, accept, and then *love* ALL aspects of yourself. They are a part of you. (ack, that's a hard one.) 2. The way to change something about yourself that you don't like has little to do with effort or a crowbar. Instead, merely observe the thing without judgment. The next time you go to do that (annoying) thing you do, you will see that you have done it. Just notice it, note how, when, why, and let it go. Later, you might notice it as you are doing it. In time, you might notice you are *about* to do that thing, and stop yourself. And then six months (or however long) down the road you wake up one day and say to yourself "hey, its been ____ long since I did that thing. How about that." Voila. Change. Sans crowbar. So I am observing. Its cracking me up. I'll be working on my house, painting, cleaning, building, and I'll observe some thought / line of thinking / voice that plays in my head and think "where did THAT come from?!" The things we do / think / say to ourselves out of fear / protection / resistance to change.... Priceless. Limiting. Against life in many cases. And often hilarious in a certain light. Samsara: I'm lousy with it. Caught up in this gravity well of self-importance and the american cult of personality and greed. I don't recall signing up for it. I must have missed the memo. Trying to keep my head above water while at the same time trying to remember that "there is no water." What is enough? Does anyone know? The voices that tell me to lie down and sleep are not mine, that much is clear. So where did they come from? (Dick Cheney, I'm watching you!) Who writes this propaganda that I'm not ____(fill in the blank)___ enough? Can I cancel my subscription? Or does it come to me like advertising in my mailbox: whether I want it or not? What if I decided I was truly awake and aware and powerful instead? Who would I have to allow myself to be then?? Can I exist without these precious fears? There. Still-life with Jake.

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:: Still life with Jake