Female

23

I think I'm bi-polar.

Yesterday I was seeing ways
to make the world around me evolve
and saw the path to betterment
and had faith in the light
at the end of this chaotic entrapment
that has become my life.

I actually felt and believed
everything WOULD get better.

Today is another conundrum…

Awoken with disturbing dreams
and not by my alarm clock
whose digital face
revealed to me
I was thirty minutes late in my routine.

I rolled out of bed
and got dressed for work quicker
than I've ever had -
pants
boots
brown thermal shirt
…screw my blouse
my gortex jacket will cover its absence.

My room door auto-locks -
it shut behind me with a toothbrush in my mouth…
I spit the toothpaste out
ran outside
and climbed through my bedroom window
as I've done many times before -
grabbed my cover and backpack
and power-walked myself to work.

Dreams to sensitive types
as myself
can really influence a day
I armed up again
fighting back tears
just letting them sting
under my eyelids again
so no one could see
and fear arming me up.

I haven't been one much for crying this year
but I've had my moments:

The first was in February
After reading my brothers MySpace page
that dribbled nothing but his torment
and depression.

The second was at the end of my leave
in mid-August -
there was just so much reason to be home
but I couldn't stay
I had to transfer to my next command
and follow orders.

The third time was in late August
feeling the burden of being away from home
and unable to help in the ways I wished I could
and realizing the hell hole I've been placed with
on this pretty island called Crete,
so rich and beautiful with history
but surrounded by base gates
and placed in the hands
of idiots- namely one big one…
who I'm enforced to respect
because they wear a khaki uniform.

I was alone in my room
with my knees on my carpet
and back curled over
crying uncontrollably.

I turned to prayer
And begged for someone -
anyone,
anything…
that could help me escape.

Being surrounded by people
doesn't mean you're not alone.

Alone in more ways
then I could ever describe
I prayed hard
until my tears were gone.

The end of that week
my prayers were answered-
my angel invited me to a party
and stole my heart.

I wanted to keep him forever
within the first week of knowing him
but he had to leave after three months
and transfer to his next duty station.

I knew he'd be leaving shortly
from day one
and if I was smarter I'd guard my heart better
but he was just that good…
and made me feel that good.

Richie leaving is the fourth… fifth, sixth… tenth (possibly)
time I've cried this year,
all I know for certain is he left on a Tuesday
and I was crying hard off and on
and didn't stop until Sunday -
it was the end of November.

I've been in touch with him every day
since he's been gone
but it's only been two weeks
and the road ahead is long and uncertain
and wanting him so much
makes it hurt worse
but I can't want him less
and my heart won't let him go
because I don't want to -
and I don't want anyone else at all.

I think of Richie constantly throughout the day
and hope somehow
he can actually feel how much I miss him
hoping he's thinking of me too
at some point in his days -
I imagine sending him everything I feel for him
through psychic waves
and just hope he can feel it
and believe everything I say I feel for him
is nothing but true.

I've come a long way through the years
but everything I've bottled up
has come to topple over
and the glass has been broken.

Nothing was meant to stay hidden forever.

I was just trying to be strong.

My mom and my brothers have all been treated for depression
it's been a long, hard road for us all -
so many blessings with hidden burdens
and unforeseen problems
that make obstacle after obstacle.

I didn't want to burden them more with my problems
so I kept it all to myself -
they don't need to worry about me,
they got enough on their plates without me.

I feel sick...

My heart is sick
making everything sick -
my throat
my chest
my head…

I just feel like a sick, crazy person…

I need help,
But in pure arrogance
I don't believe there's anything a shrink could tell me
that I haven't heard before and don't already know.

The worse part is
when I do find it in me
to suck up my pride
and my appointment comes
I'm on an up
and everything is completely fine
and will be ok
and I just don't feel depressed at all
and yet, as I sit here and type this
I feel like…

When I'm down,
I'm really down -
and that's all I'm willing to admit.