My Blog

Huraay for Ominous Birthday Greetings!

DontTellJosh — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:14:27 GMT

My last day working in this office, two cards for birthdays next week are secretly passed around for signing. I write "Not long now" and "Make it count" in them. I don't even sign my name. I was the last person to sign each one before the were sealed. Shame I won't be around to see them open them.

News Just In

DontTellJosh — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:57:16 GMT

According to statistics, the average person lies 7,500 times a day.

My Great Idea.

DontTellJosh — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:50:35 GMT

I've been thinking about a focal community event for the culmination of Nowhere, and this is the best I've come up with. I think we should kill, butcher and bbq a cow. We could buy the cow before the festival, keep it in an enclosure all week. Involve it in the festival, take it to the parties, let people interact with it, feed and look after it. Then at the peak of Saturday's party we kill it. Sunday morning could become the ritual butchering of the cow and on the Sunday afternoon we can have a large communal meal. It would certainly evoke a feeling of pathos. What are everyone's thoughts?

The George has uniforms!

DontTellJosh — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 12:12:41 GMT

Look what someone left outside our house? 6 identical and 2 very similar jackets of varying sizes. We're gonna pimp them out and make George unforms out of them. Suggestions for the name on the back? So far we've had - G-Force, G-Unit, G-Innit (my favourite), G-Birds ...... the list goes on.

Well, I thought it was funny.

DontTellJosh — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 16:27:08 GMT

I was sitting at my desk this afternoon, staring rather vacantly out of the window. When all of a sudden this teenage boy gets hit by a car. And I mean really hit, knocked up in the air and everything. He took it like a pro though and got straight up afterwards (obviously I'm not the only one who's been practising). When I saw it I laughed really loudly which prompted a barrage of questioning from all the women in my office. When I told them I was laughing at some kid getting run over, a hushed silence swept through the office. Apparently it's not very funny.

Fairly eventful morning.

DontTellJosh — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 11:23:26 GMT

I was running for my bus outside Hackney Town Hall, the pavement was crowded with people waiting for their buses. I was running on the curn to avoid people and as I apporached, a bunch of people stepped back, out of my way. Giving them a wide berth, I moved to the side, running in the gutter. Turns out they weren't moving out of my way, they were stepping back away from the bus that was pulling in directly behind me. The bus I couldn't hear because of my headphones. The first I know of this is that I'm suddenly lying face down in the road with the bus driver screaming at me from his window. Still caught my bus though. Then when I get to St Paul's Way, this trampy looking guy walks out of a council estate and asks "If I gave you 40p, could I phone this number on your phone?". "Sure" I said "as long as I can put you in a headlock for the duration of the call". He asked if I was serious and I told him that I was just being necessarily cautious. He then declined my offer (that's putting it politely) and ran off. I though I was being rather reasonable.

Mysterious, mid-week, mid-work adventures!

DontTellJosh — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 11:03:58 GMT

Yesterday I had to go train some staff at one of our creches, which in itself was quite the adventure. 3 year olds are wicked, but really distracting. On my way back I walked past Tower Hamlets Cemetery and I noticed a trail of blood drops going down the road. I think whoever or whatever it was had been fairly seriously injured, the drops were so close together they were almost a continious dribble all the way down the road. It was fairly easy to work out the direction they were travelling as they nearly all splattered in the same direction. With noone expecting me back at work anytime soon, I decided to follow the trail and see where it went. After about 200m the trail led me through a gate into the cemetery and then up and down these paths, sometimes doubling back on itself. I finally lost it as it went over a grave and through some brambles. I was wearing my work clothes and couldn't really crawl through the undergrowth. I'm a bit disappointed I didn't find any zombies, vampires and axe murderers, but it certainly made my afternoon a lot more interesting.

Hair Update - Hair Dye Disaster!

DontTellJosh — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 13:22:25 GMT

Why do I always end up dying my hair in a rush? Normally I just about wing it, but this time things went awfully awry. I'm left with a strange metalic hair colour that's difficult to place. It prompted people to call me "Silver Fox" on Saturday night, which I found a little unnerving as I'm sure it's a term for an attractive lady in her autumn years. I'm also fairly certain it's the name of a comic character, some love interest of Wolverine's.

Someday a real rain will come and wash this scum off the streets.

DontTellJosh — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 11:56:31 GMT

So I was walking home last night past Hackney Police Station, when I heard a crashing sound directly behind me. I turn and find a cyclist face down in the middle of the road, hands still on his handle bars, his legs tangled within the frame of his bike. The front wheel and handle bars were parallel, I'm guessing that's how he crashed. He doesn't move for a good 5 seconds and I call out "Dude, you alright?", get no response. I kneel by his side, trying to get a response. He's breathing but seems to be completely out cold. He's also in the process of pissing himself. I turned him over to get his face off the road and see he's lost at least two teeth, he's lip is fucked and he's already got a bruise that stand a good inch off his forehead. Still unresponsive I decide to move him out of the road as even in the 15 seconds I've been kneeling with him several cars have come close to hitting the both of us. I throw his bike onto the pavement and struggle to lift him properly, dragging him to the curb. At this point these two guys come over and start helping me lift him. "Finally!", I think, "I'm not dealing with this on my own anymore.". While these guys help me lift him to the pavement I'm suddenly aware that a bus driver on the other side of the road is yelling at me and waving. Takes me a moment to understand what he's saying and then suddenly I hear "they're taking his money!". I look down and see one of the guys who I thought was helping is squatting over Mr Unconcious with his hand in his pocket. "What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled and kicked him in the chest. He fell back and in pulling his hand out of the pocket, dropped about £15 on the floor. The other 'helping' guy goes for the money and I put my foot on it. I spend the next 30 seconds playing this weird game of trying to stop them take the money, whilst holding Mr Unconcious guy off the floor. I quickly decide that it's more important to get out of the road and attend to Mr Unconcious than stop these two pricks steal £15. So I get Mr Unconcious on the pavement and put him in the recovery position, taking my phoine out to call an ambulance. At this point a police car pulls up and they take over with Mr Unconcious and are seemingly uninterested in the fact these two guyts, still standing nearby, were trying their best to rob him. I can't fucking believe there are people out there who would see someone have a serious accident and instanting think on capitalising on it like that. Wooo! I love Hackney.

The George is Under Siege!

DontTellJosh — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 11:08:39 GMT

Someone tried to break in last night. Luckily the brave and courageous Brother Hare was asleep in the pub to defend us all in our slumber! Gonna have to have a serious think about security at The George, we've already had SEVERAL things stolen during parties and events. Including our speaker stands, Ruby's bike, a bunch of cds and Ruby's beautiful Japanese hairpiece. Makes me so sad that there are people out there who would abuse our trust like that. In the meantime, I think we need to make a "Beware of the Hare!" sign.

Putting my back into "it".

DontTellJosh — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 10:57:52 GMT

Ok, so I didn't mention on my last blog entry that during our Sunday Open House at The George (which was wicked, apart from the theft) I pulled my back out wrestling Kate to that piece of music from Star Trek episode 'Amok Time'. It's the one where Kirk fights some alien dude gladiator style and it's all very "duh duh dah dah dah duh dah dah!". Well thanks to that I've missed 4 days of work in the last week. Even now, the growing tightness in my spine is making it extrememly difficult to sit and type this. Good news is that I'm not in the office all of the time at the moment, I'm out and about training technophobes in the use of this new PDA system I'm implementing. Bad news is it doesn't leave me much time to kill online, hence the lack of posting on what an awesome time I had at Pandamonium Circus on Saturday. If only I could be bothered to do this sort of thing from home, in my own time.

Glitter explosion / sparkling disaster!

DontTellJosh — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 12:33:14 GMT

On the way back from Bristol on Sunday we got stuck in stationary traffic for about an hour and forty five minutes. It was kinda fun being stuck in a car with such brilliant people, but there is only so much you can do in a Toyota Yaris. Eventually I searched my bag for something to entertain myself with and guess what I found..... Glitter! I'm still paying for the ensuing glitter fight two days later. I've showered three times, changed all my clothes at least three times but I'm still leaving a trail of glitter around my office. Much to the amusement of my colleagues. I even noticed my line manager has glitter on her face, but thought it best not to mention it. Glitter is like playadust, get's everywhere forever. It's also a bit like radiation, as in it has a halflife of several hundred years before you're finally rid of it. Twink proud?

The Mild Mild West!

DontTellJosh — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 12:26:56 GMT

Went up to Bristol to see Coco's 'Juniper Tree' production on Saturday. It was one of those promenade theatre production thingies that are 'so hot right now'. It was wicked, really ambitious yet accomplished. Afterwards there was a lot of faffing, a lot of walking, some Dancehall house party weirdness and a sort of Sardines inspired sleepover at Coco's temp-squat. Awesome day, all in all.

Is Tribe Gay?

DontTellJosh — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 12:10:45 GMT

My colleague just looked over my shoulder and saw me reading someones blog and asked me "Josh, are you Gay?". I replied "No, just bored". What the fuck? There wasn't anything remotely gay about what I was looking at. It was Twink's blog post about ferrets for Christ's sake. I watched 'He was a quiet man' the other day and have begun fantasizing about office rampages. Mmmmmm, I've even got the order they'd get it in sorted out.

"If you shop at Tesco you deserve to die"

DontTellJosh — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 12:09:02 GMT

This is my arguement for today. After listening to a Tesco praising conversation that lasted for well over an hour, I loudly proclaimed "If you shop at Tesco you deserve to die". Now my entire office is up in arms and I'm even managing to weave in parts of our previous "let the sick die" arguement. It's fucking magic!

"Cycling Helmets cause more deaths than they prevent!"

DontTellJosh — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 10:13:19 GMT

This is my adopted arguement for the day! When someone commented on my new helmet as I arrived at the office this morning, I explained how I was thinking of binning it after reading a report that they cause more injuries and deaths than they prevent. I even backed up my ridiculous statement with some excellent SCIENCE. God, wouldn't it be awful if one of the two other people in this office stopped using their helmets because of me and died. Um......... what to do.......?

The George is online!

DontTellJosh — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:05:36 GMT

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheGeorge/ (a yahoogroup to help you keep track of what's going down with The George.) *For those outside the 'London crowd', The George is a pub I live in with a bunch of awesome people. We put on events and throw parties and all that jazz.

Geezus!

DontTellJosh — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 14:31:47 GMT

By the time I get home today I will have cycled approximately 17 miles. I never signed up for this....

Hulk Smash!

DontTellJosh — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 09:47:45 GMT

Kicked one end of someone's bumper this morning when they ignored my right of way and bumped me on a roundabout. I then pulled up to his window, leaned down and loudly instructed him on the fact I had right of way. Prick refused to even make eye contact. This is why I don't drive, I would probably crash into someone on purpose just to teach them a lesson. Is it still Road Rage if you're on a bicycle?

How astute!

DontTellJosh — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:45:16 GMT

It has been suggested at my work that my nickname should be Cherry. As they've observed me drink a can of cherry coke a day and I just mentioned, upon being handed one, how much I love Cherry Drops. I've only been here a week! If only they knew...

Let The Sick Die!

DontTellJosh — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 10:22:32 GMT

Just got drawn into an arguement with my all female office regarding my half baked theories on human evolution and the destruction of natural selection. I was arguing that by intervening with disease and genetic defects, we are weakening the gene pool and gradually turning the human race into a bunch of weak mutants, growing at an unsustainable rate, reliant on medical care to survive. I combined this theory with the whole "dumbing down" of society by our Health & Safety guidelines making it nigh on impossible for the fatally stupid to remove themselves from the gene pool. I was arguing that we should let the sick and the old die, freeing up more space for the healthy ones. I didn't even get started on limiting the amount of children should be allowed to produce (I had this awesome system in my head where a couple is limited to 2 children, but can purchase extra child allowances from people who don't want to have kids!) They argued that it's all well and good to think like that now, but if one of my loved ones got sick, I'd want them to be cared for. I pointed out that this was beside the point, that if I had to choose between a loved one being killed and someone bombing some poor unknowns in a far away country, I'd probably choose to save my loved one. Doesn't make it the right choice though, does it. They then brought in a midwife from downstairs who tried and failed to convince me about the value of human life or some such nonsense. I proceeded to pretty much horrify and offend them with a rather clinical outlook on the future of the human race and in explaining what I though needed to happen to avoid that. Working with strangers can be wicked fun. They take everything you say seriously, no matter how far fetched.

Party! Party! Party!

DontTellJosh — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 12:45:46 GMT

We're throwing a fundraiser party at The George on Saturday the 16th of February. All proceeds will go towards buying a projector so we can then start running a regular film night. More details to follow. Keep the date clear!

Come On The Pink!

DontTellJosh — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 12:51:57 GMT

I have a new favourite sport! I went to see Erin's Roller Derby debut on Saturday at the London Roller Girl's Pink Vs Black friendly, where Erin's Pink team trashed the previous winner's, the Black team. I can't remember ever being so into watching a sporting event. And not just because of the hot girl on girl violence that included a girl being carted off in an ambulance. It was only slightly tainted by the seething jealousy I was feeling at there not being a Men's league (anyone want to start our own one? I'll go easy on you at first, I promise). Can't wait until the next game and Erin, this time I want to see you bleed!

Update

DontTellJosh — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 12:37:16 GMT

Update - After a six month period of hair growing, cutting and not dying his hair (to aid job hunting) Josh now has Red hair again! So I thought I'd start my brief summary of the last six months by continuing my Hair Saga. You're welcome. So I lost my job because of the leave I was taking to go to Nowhere and Burning Man. Lost it before Nowhere and nobody wanted to employ me for the 4 or 5 weeks between the two festivals. Also, after Nowhere I came to the decision that I wanted to move house. I felt I'd outgrown the Leytonstone house and wanted to move on to bigger and better things with Ruby. So we gave our notice at each of our old homes and went to Burning Man. Burning Man was good. That’s all I’m going say on that matter. Arriving back from Burning Man homeless and jobless and with my overdraft maxed was not as daunting as I'd expected it to be. But then I think I was numb to that sort of stuff by this point, which is probably how I got myself stuck in this weird rut where I couldn't bring myself to put the energy into finding a job. Much to the annoyance of Ruby (and I'm sure many other people around me). After being back a month or so we moved into a warehouse in Hackney Wick with a bunch of artist types and the peerless, sublime housemate Martina. That lasted about two months as we found some of the people we lived with to be objectionable and narrow minded prudes, not something you'd expect from a group of art students/graduates. So about a month ago we moved into The George in Hackney and are now living it up in this slightly rotten yet unbelievably awesome space. The current tenant’s agreement ends in three months, but we're hoping to be able to extend it and continue our reign as the Supreme Party House! Living with Ruby, India, Drunken Nurse, Jimbo and Coco is amazing, so many good times and easy vibes. Things with Ruby are back on track after a bit of a wobble and brief spell of broken up. She's still going to work on organic farms for the summer but she IS coming back and hopefully working out a way we can combine our goals, dreams, needs, etc. Um..... What have I left out? Oh, Decompression was a lot of work, a lot of fun, but ultimately quite a short party. This year's Santacon was my best yet, though some Cunt stole my Santa hat from the pub afterwards. Christmas at my Mum's was nice and Boxing Day in Brighton was just what the Doctor ordered. New Year's Eve at The George was wicked. I think that's about it for my summary, for now at least. There are a bunch of anecdotes I will probably end up sharing later, but for now I should do some work.

CRASHING BACK INTO THE INTER-HIGH-WEB!

DontTellJosh — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 14:23:46 GMT

Crash boom bang, Josh is back in full time employment and once again has the time and inclination to post on his blog. "Hello. I've missed you all." More to follow.