Irregular Thoughts

Gone again

dr-placebo — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 20:42:46 GMT

I'm off to the desert again. My lovely wife is going again. I'm at Cleu Camp again. I'm working with BED again. And yet, everything will be different, again.

Finally, posted my BM 2010 pix

dr-placebo — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 04:56:54 GMT

Posted to flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dr-placebo/sets/ Fewer subjects this year, and a few less pix, but some of them are still worthwhile.

Quick thoughts on BM 2010

dr-placebo — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 02:28:01 GMT

I finally had my dear wife join me on the playa. Although it was not all easy, she keeps talking about coming back in 2011. She did volunteer work with BED and Ice (both with me). And it was romantic to walk through the city lights and sound, to cuddle in the dark and the dawn, to saddle up and ride to the art together. We had a great time with Cleu Camp out on the edge. No drama, quite a few hugs, some shared meals, plenty of brainwashings (come by and find out some time). The weather was weird, throwing just about everything at us (rain, heat, freezing cold, wind, dust, even a few calm moments). I was a bit spooked by the rain for a bit, having flashbacks to 2000. But then it stops and we got the double rainbow (omg). It was definitely not boring. I did a pretty mediocre job of time management. Too many jobs, not enough visiting. I missed seeing a bunch of friends (just ran out of time). 10 days is simply not enough. And I loved everything I did; I just wish it did not end so quickly. I'll probably have that as my epitaph.

Gone again

dr-placebo — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 03:17:47 GMT

This year on the playa will be #12 for me. Every year since 1999. I'm still hooked. This year will be different. My wife will be going for the first time. It could be anything, but I think that it's going to be good. I'll be with Cleu Camp, outer rim and 3:45. And I'll be with the BED workshops. In dust we trust!

Once more, with feeling

dr-placebo — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 00:18:25 GMT

I'm anxious. What if I forget something? I'm exhilarated. What miracle will occur there? I'm harried. Why is there never enough time? I'm sighing. Why does this event move me to tears? I'm resentful. Why is it so far and so much work? I'm hopeful. What will I learn this time? I'm going. I'm going. I'm going.

Who pooped?

dr-placebo — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:12:02 GMT

This site is going to make any young child giggle: http://whopooped.org/ unlike the picture chosen to illustrate this post.

APOD plug

dr-placebo — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:42:10 GMT

The APOD (Astronomy Picture Of the Day) site is a source of beauty and information. http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/

Damn I've been lazy!

dr-placebo — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 05:08:25 GMT

I've been to FM 2008, BM 2008, and a bunch of other places, and I've neglected to blog at all. It's been a good year. I have everything I need and then some. I do not know how I came by such bounty, because I know people with less who deserve it more. OK, here's a little tidbit I recently ran across, thanks to www.dailykos.com. Apparently, there are conservatives who think that Stephen Colbert is a serious conservative: http://hij.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/14/2/212 Somehow it confirms my suspicions about their grasp on reality.

On Being an Optimist

dr-placebo — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 21:28:04 GMT

Despite being old enough to know better I remain an optimist. It is not because I feel that everything has been good, or is good, or will be good. It's more because I desire things to be better and I find that optimism is the most practical way to get there. Being a pessimist is a form of laziness. It enables one to sit on the sidelines and moan about how awful it all is, and how much worse it will become. "Why bother?" the pessimist asks. And by taking that attitude the pessimist becomes more and more accurate. When life gets better, and sometimes it does, there is an optimist behind it. Someone who is willing to risk time and effort and safety to bring about the improvement. It may be that pessimists are right more often than optimists. So what? The pessimist's reward for being right is that life is worse. The optimist's reward is that life is better. I've read a lot recently about how politics is hopeless and all politicians are corrupt and so forth. Much of this is about how Obama can't be elected, or if he is elected that he will turn out to be just like any other politician. I refuse to go down that road. I think that there is a good chance that he will be elected president. If he is, then there is no chance that he will be worse than the incumbent. And I believe that he will be far better than the business-as-usual alternative. But this entry is not really about politics. It's about approaching life with love and a dash of faith in the possibility of joy. Start a project that might not succeed. Listen to someone who might not reciprocate. There is nothing about being an optimist that says that you have to ignore reality. I do not advise picking up a red hot rock with your bare hands. But refusing to experience something because it might be hurtful is on the path to experiencing nothing at all. This is especially true for emotional risks. Enough preaching. It's time to go out and enjoy the sunshine.

My pix are up from bm2007

dr-placebo — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 22:30:42 GMT

I was really busy this year, and it was really dusty, so there are fewer pictures. Still, I have no regrets. I was there. Check out the bm2007 set in: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dr-placebo/sets/

So, why did I join BED?

dr-placebo — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 06:52:19 GMT

Before I joined BED (Bureau of Erotic Discourse) I was relatively naive about sexual assault on the playa. I'm not in a high risk group, I had not heard any stories about sexual assault, and I liked to think utopian thoughts about Burning Man. In short, I was in denial. As I learned more and heard more, a comment in a thread over on ePlaya led to me an early BED member, and to the formation of BED, which was started by three burner women concerned about sexual assault on the playa (and elsewhere). I was fortunate enough to help with BED's first year on the playa, and I just got hooked by the mission. Why should I focus on sexual assault as an issue? Because it pits the physically strong yet morally corrupt against the physically weaker and trusting. Because it takes what should be a delight and turns it into fear. Because sexual assault is an especially cruel form of injustice. Because I do wish for the playa to be something better. And because it really pisses me off. It has been an honor to work with these wonderful people, and I hope to keep doing so for years to come.

Where I'm headed

dr-placebo — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 05:52:20 GMT

I'm going to Burning Man again. I'm going with an open mind and open heart. After this many years I can't say that I'm going with no expectations. I expect to be charmed, amazed, befriended, gifted, and hugged. I expect to work hard and play hard. I expect to have difficulty and ease, both at unpredictable times. I expect to be challenged to grow, to accept, to revel, and to dance. I expect to see friends from previous years, and to make new friends. I expect to have a good time, at least most of the time. I'll be with CLEU camp in the walk-in area somewhere near Landfill and 3:45, pretty much like last year. If you are looking for me, look for a school bus that looks like the picture above. And come get a Cleu!

goddess quest

dr-placebo — Thu, 10 May 2007 01:48:22 GMT

where is she who holds the world together? there is no need to ask, for she stands by your side she spins you around, lifts you up to the clouds, and sets you gently on the rich earth giddy and alive

my feet hurt

dr-placebo — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 04:43:57 GMT

my feet hurt, but i gotta dance my back aches, but i have to stretch higher my ribs are cracked, so hold me tight my lips are sore, so kiss me again i'm too old to act my age, too young to know it all i may never see the dawn, so i'll howl at the moon

An Outcast Joy

dr-placebo — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 00:24:52 GMT

Peculiar, particular, singular, angular, likely to offend those in charge. We are running away to join the circus, laughing at our motley selves. Assembling from all the far places, emerging from corners where we are unseen, gathering those who are not content with marking time until they die. "I have found my people!" she cries, holding fire in her hands. "Brothers and sisters, be welcome!" he shouts, opening arms wide. There is no plan, no map, no trail laid before us. There is nothing but the fiery heart to guide us. Each dance is the dance of creation, each song the cry of a difficult birth. We take on stripes and hues and textures, alien to the marketplace, or take the sun and moon as clothing, or whatever appearance that moves us. Passion and compassion surround us, move through us and around us, shape us like a great river, or a hot wind filled with sand. Invention is our mother. Generosity is our father. Ecstasy is our sister. Vision is our brother. When our revels are done we steal away from this place, we carry what we brought and leave without a trace. Our nature is to change and grow, to learn each other's soul, peculiar and singular still, but not alone.

Updates to music

dr-placebo — Fri, 21 Jul 2006 03:32:50 GMT

I've got some more utterly free MP3's stored under http://www.dr-placebo.net/music/default.html Comments appreciated, but be a little gentle with an amateur, OK? There is even a tune dedicated to Spike's Vampire Bar.

Tagger's delight

dr-placebo — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 01:51:24 GMT

I've been tagged by GiGi-D L'Amour (I won't say where, but it was fun). The rules are that you write 8 things about yourself in a blog entry, that you name 6 people to do the same, and no tagbacks. 1. I am 5' 10" tall (177.8 cm) and have been that tall since I was 15. 2. I grew up in New Jersey about 20 sky miles from NYC. 3. A distant relative of mine was General Dan Sickles, who nearly lost the battle of Gettysburg for the Union. 4. I started school in Physics, but switched to studying computers because it was more fun, which pretty much confirms my nerd status. 5. I have two rather decrepit knees that keep me away from any sport that involves sudden unanticipated changes in direction. 6. The closest I have been to live flowing lava is about 10 feet, which was close enough. 7. I really suck at hooping! 8. I will dance to just about any music where I can find a beat, even techno. I tag: Dirt Girl Tracy, sparkinzi, David L, cowboyangel, littlewing, whim aka jaymaree

dr-placebo.net

dr-placebo — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 07:37:03 GMT

I'm now the proud owner of http://www.dr-placebo.net/ So feel free to check it out. I get a lot more control over content, I get to share my feeble creations, including music, and get less hassle from the host (godaddy.com). I will gradually shift my content over there, and just keep a link here. NEW! I've moved my blog entries there (minus the comments). I'll leave the old stuff here, but I'll be adding stuff there. "Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher; vanity of vanities, all is vanity." (Ecclesiastes)

Teaching Together

dr-placebo — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 22:20:17 GMT

Mary and I taught a couples workshop this past weekend entitled "Flesh and Spirit." We had four couples join us at at our house for three days. This is the second time we've taught it, and we have tentative plans to teach another one in the spring. One idea behind the workshop is that communication is an essential part of a relationship. It is essential to building a relationship, but it is just as important for keeping a relationship healthy over the long term. After the rush of initial intimacy is done, then the hard work starts. Balancing desires, expressing fears, even deciding the most mundane issues, all involve honest sharing of thoughts and emotions. The tool we use most for communication is council process, which is derived from an American Indian tradition. In couples work this involves the couple taking turns speaking and listening, using a talking piece to indicate which person speaks and which person listens. The intention is to speak from the heart and listen with the heart, and to provide safety so that difficult things can be said without rancor. In this workshop the council is witnessed by the other couples, and each of the witnesses can add a voice that speaks for the relationship. The process is difficult and rewarding. Another key to relationship is to treat it as a spiritual practice. And by "spiritual" we refer to that which is beyond self. We might find it in a church, or a community, or in a family. And in a dyadic relationship it means finding the spiritual in one's partner. It means finding the Beloved in our particular beloved. It means the recognition that our partner is not the obstacle, our partner is essential to the path. We also find that physical intimacy is essential to our bonding in our relationship. For many of us this includes the sexual. Yet we have such inadequate modeling for our sexuality. Much of modern Western culture is obsessed with the trappings of sex, and ignorant of how to use it to emotionally and spiritually join the couple. We present what we have learned, and we also learn from our council with others. Teaching together is not something I expected to do with Mary some years ago. About 10 years ago we were on the verge of separation, probably leading to divorce. We were growing apart then, Mary with a passion for her Buddhist path, and me with a denial of having a spiritual path. With help we realized that we could both change, and that something richer could be created. The workshop was moving and intense. The couples worked hard, and each added something to their ability to exchange words and feeling with each other. Mary and I also learned more about being a couple through teaching together. We even learned something from the recent meditation and movement workshop, applying it to being in bed together. In the words of Rumi: Give me ecstasy, give me naked wonder, O my Creator! Give birth to the Beloved in me, and let this lover die. Let a thousand wrangling desires become one Love.

Your reach must exceed your grasp

dr-placebo — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 02:28:05 GMT

Dance as if each step would save you from destruction. Breathe as if each breath would be the first gasp of eternity. Sing as if each note balanced on the knife edge of mortality. Love as if you and your beloved were the fabric of life itself.

Meditation + Movement workshop

dr-placebo — Fri, 04 Nov 2005 11:04:44 GMT

Last weekend I had a new experience. I attended a 2-day workshop on meditation and movement taught by my wife, Mary, and a Santa Cruz dancer/choreographer, Tandy Beal [in the picture, Tandy is on the left and Mary is on the right]. The workshop lasted from Friday evening to Sunday noon. Mary taught Vipassana meditation, which is a simple form of Buddhist meditation that emphasizes mindfulness. Tandy taught a series of movement exercises that emphasized awareness of the body and mind while moving, solo, paired, or in groups. The combination of mindfulness and movement was a fascinating mix. The concentration of meditation was followed by a heightened awareness of the body in motion, and then back and forth between the two modes. I enjoyed the work. I was able to let go of the anxieties of being judged. I was able to concentrate the mind, although the mind does wander a lot! I was able to move freely, and interact non-verbally with the other people at the workshop. One situation did need some extra work at letting go. I was the only male in a group with 16 women. Most of the time I was relaxed, yet from time to time I felt a bit conspicuous. It was not a sexual thing at all, since both the meditation and the movement were both quite sedate. It reminded me that I'm usually in a heavily male environment in my technical work, and that what I was feeling was something like what a woman might feel like in my world.

First Decompression

dr-placebo — Wed, 12 Oct 2005 00:42:45 GMT

Several BED folks put in an appearance at SF Decompression 2005, Regyna, LittleWing, and myself. We had a small popup with bed just outside of the amazing Erotic Ice Bar, and next to Spike's. Insanely good location. We had a poster, buttons, and handouts. We never did get around to doing any erotic counseling, but we did chat with a lot of visitors and made some nice connections. It was fun, and I enjoyed meeting some of the other folks in the BED tribe (like Anathema, Captain Erotica, and Red Hot), as well as checking out some of the art I never saw on the playa, and dancing. I even got a mild flogging at the ice bar (by the delicious Red Hot). And it's not the same. I missed the open spaces, the morning light, the quiet hours, and even the dust. And there was just no time -- I was there for a fairly busy 9 hours. The music was great, but there was no escape at all. I'll try to go again to Decom next year, but I'm still in love with the playa. And it was also just like the playa. Mostly happy people at play. Talking and laughing and hugging and dancing. Art and costumes and performance. And just like the playa it pushes me toward rediscovery. It's such a strange feeling. One moment I'm back to being a teenager, and the next I'm quite ancient. I've learned from my wife and daughters how to be a family; I am so much more connected to them than I was to my family of origin. Now I'm learning how to be a member of a tribe. Recently, after my coming back from the desert, my wife listened to me and said "you've found your people." She's right, although I was the one who was lost. I need to learn this so I can bring it back to my family, my neighborhood, my work place. I need to know that my heart does not beat alone. I need to know that we can survive adversity -- physical, mental, emotional, social or spiritual. I don't just desire some evidence of the goodness in people. I desire faith in that goodness. The world bombards us with reports of cruelty and disaster. I need a belief that will be stronger than those reports. I need a faith that will tolerate imperfection in myself and others, that will let me see clearly yet not lose compassion. It's a work in progress. In this moment it is enough to feel the movement and the aspiration.

Labels, stereotypes, and whatever

dr-placebo — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 09:16:42 GMT

There's been a bunch of stuff on the BM tribe about hippies. Apparently some folks have the notion that a hippie is a mooch, a taker, and a lazy bum besides. I've been called hippie in the past, and even look the part sometimes. But I'm not a mooch, so somebody's confused. I'm also a computer researcher, an overeducated liberal, and a middle-aged white guy, basically straight but not narrow, all of which are subject to even more stereotypes. Let's see, I'm also a musician, a photographer, a backpacker, and most definitely a burner. I do various kinds of volunteer work both on and off the playa, although I'm not much of an artist. I'm happily married (and monogamous) for over 22 years. My wife and I have started to teach couples workshops on a donation basis. We actually think that we have something to say about communication in a committed relationship. I try to be kind, thoughtful, and generous. I don't always succeed, being only human. So I've used a bunch of labels and given some details. But if you really want to know about me it takes a lot more time and discussion. Read the blog. Let me fix you something tasty and pour you a beer. Have a seat and tell me about yourself.

Another puzzle

dr-placebo — Wed, 21 Sep 2005 05:16:30 GMT

Here's a brief story from BM 2001. There was a large rock mounted on a pedestal, and one afternoon, as I was walking by, a man and a woman were doing a performance piece on the rock. It was quite beautiful. They combined rock climbing with slow formalized dance moves, and they were nude. There were people watching, and about a half dozen taking pictures. I watched for some time. Each of the couple did some slow high leg moves that left them completely exposed. Since they seemed to be accepting the cameras, I also took a picture and went on my way. That brief encounter struck me with a lot of force, because it opened up ideas about the symbiosis between audience and performer, between voyeur and exhibitionist. There is a bond between the person who asks to be seen and the person who watches. Out of this I've had to confront my own issues about both watching and being seen. In the case of the nudes on the rock I initially felt a bit guilty for watching, although in retrospect they wanted to be seen, and happily performed for quite some time. I think that these days I might be more comfortable about enjoying the performance. None of this relates to those who do not want to be watched. I've been on the shy side sometimes (less so recently) and completely sympathize with those who don't want to be seen. I also feel for those who might be comfortable with being seen, but not stared at. The challenge is to come up with a way to encourage the consensual, and to discourage the coercive. That's easy to agree with in principle, and hard to agree with in the details. A difficult area to judge is Critical Tits. In one sense it is a public performance, meant to be seen and enjoyed by the direct participants and the bystanders. However, some of the women riding in it are offended by some of the comments, and some are offended by photography along the route. My dilemma is similar to that of some women I've spoken to about this. I like the positive energy of the women riding, yet I feel put off when there is a lack of respect. One more time, caught in midstream.

More echoes from the playa

dr-placebo — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:05:32 GMT

The picture was taken shortly before the burn. I love the fire dancers. Besides all of the other things I did this year on the playa, I worked through one more barrier. I did a lot of dancing. By myself. To almost any kind of music. And I did not care who was there, or who might be watching. I suspect that the sight of a 55 year old guy doing this amused some. I don't fucking care. It was just wonderful to move around to the music and enjoy the muscles working with the beat, pushing up against gravity, spinning around when I felt like it. It was not art. But it was better. It was joy.