"You're not a bad person... you're just not a very good one."

I have a habit of trying to analyze a situation to death - to find out the reasons behind the actions. But this is just denial - by giving reason to action, I am permitting a rationalization which inevitably leads to false justification. Sadly, some people are just simply broken. To ask "Why?" misses the point - regardless of the root cause, there is simply no excuse for selfishness and betrayal.

Once I accepted this, I was able to let go. They're just not worth it... they never were.

Why are relationships so difficult? You'd think they'd get easier as you get older. You're supposed to know yourself better - know what you want. Afterall, you have a lifetime of painful lessons under your belt. We'd like to think we learn from the past and won't relive them again and again. And yet, here I am, once again, dealing with yet another painful breakup. Did I repeat an old mistake? Or did I just learn a brand new lesson?

It's been a weird Autumn - so many of my friends are either breaking up or wrapped in troubled relationships. I always counted myself lucky - I had an amazing girl and we were (seemingly) so happy together. This one was going to last! Alas, I was just as fucked as everyone else - because bubbling underneath was a devastating truth - our relationship was over... I just didn't know it yet.

I guess the suddenness of it is really what gets me. I'm used to long drawn-out breakups. Maybe a few "get-back-togethers". Definitely some sign of impending doom. There should be at least a few times when you're thinking "this might be the last time we have sex" so you make sure it's REALLY good. But with her, I didn't see it coming. There wasn't even a fight or an issue to discuss. It just simply... ended.

The first stage was denial - clearly this couldn't be happening to me - we were clearly perfect for each other. Someone must have made a mistake. Come on, even her mom loved me! But the cold dawn of reality has broken and I've settled into acceptance - it's over.

Now comes the reflection - I can look back on the past 15 months and consider whether it was really all that great or did I just want it to be. Sure, we never fought, always discussed our differences, worked out solutions. But maybe that was actually a problem - if we truly cared about each other and were planning long-term... well, then maybe a good yelling session now and then would have been beneficial. Said another way - maybe the easy conflict resolution was just a sign that one of us wasn't really invested.

Then I reflect on all the little things people do for each other in a relationship - the cards, the love notes, the photos on Facebook... the random gifts and actions that say "I was thinking of you today." I pause to think... I was really into those things, but she was not. Sure, promises of love were made, sweet words exchanged in person, but words come cheap - it's all about the selfless actions we make to each other that shows the depth of love. Without them, the relationship is really just surface-deep; a quick gust of wind and it's quickly uprooted.

So here's where I start to question myself. Why did I want to be with this person so badly when she didn't seem to be fully invested in the relationship? Did I think she'd change? Was I just in denial? Maybe I was selling myself short - Hell, I surely deserve better! Or am I just as messed up as so many other people - looking in all the wrong places, not seeing the ALL-CAPS writing on the figurative wall.

Of course, the flip side is that no couple is 100% compatible - there are always things which you "accept" and tolerate because you love the person entire. And as you get deeper into a relationship and your trust grows, walls do crumble and those things you tolerate suddenly become cute and adorable. Or other times people continue to hold back because they're just too frightened to be vulnerable again. Sometimes people let go of something special because they're afraid.

I don't know if I'll ever really know what happened; history tells me I won't. It'll be years before I can truly forgive and forget, but that day will come even though I can't imagine it right now. But I do hope this is my final lesson to learn - I'm getting sick of school.