I had an experience last night that seemed to touch the deep core of existence, at least for me in this life. I had not been meeting men for a number of weeks, having grown tired of the quick zipless fucks with no real connection. I don't know why I got on line last night. I wasn't particularly horny or needing company. I connected with a guy who I had never seen on line before in the unusual "What's up, man?" manner. Nothing special. We arranged for him to come by. Nothing special. He arrived and DAMN but my heart just opened. I could fell it instantaneously even before we fell into bed. Our physical dance all came from a place in me that was not centered on my genitals and it was not linear or narrative but it sent me into that zone of timelessness and pure REAL NAKED encounter. He was completely participating in this and seemed to love it but, he wasn't there like I was. There was nothing special for him. Yes, he was a good lover, but it didn't send him over any edges. I was a good lover too, but was having an overwhelming ego shattering experience.

We came down slowly and began to talk. And talked for the next two hours curled up with each other and we shared much intimacy and I heard his life and tried to share mine but he wasn't all that interested. He had already started to withdraw and move to the next scene in this comedy of life. I think he knew that something had touched me very deeply and though he enjoyed that I had giving myself to him and the experience so fully, I think he wanted to make sure there were "no strings attached." He was a rambling man. He was kind but it was clear I would never see him again. So, why does the heart open?

Afterwards I had this incredible feeling of longing and humility and tearful gratitude and I felt open to God in the way I most treasure. There was both a fullness in me and an emptiness. There was both an acute sense of my limitedness and a sense of my eternal boundless nature. Our physical heating up of the soul was a preparation for this, perhaps consummation with God. Because maybe there is only God. And all of us are merely the psychopomps to the one real encounter. The man left and I doubt if he was blown over as I was. He probably went home and went to bed and didn't give me or our encounter another thought. He functioned as some kind of angel for me and I am learning this strange lesson in life that the best human couplings lead to raw exposure to the Divine. Its sad for me because I also want the enclosed human circuit of love. I want the emptiness to be filled with a lover so that we circulate our energies between us, but I am being taught that this life is not about that but is about some intense openings and emptying out which then allow Spirit to reside. Its not my choice but its also the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced.