My Blog

recent civilian date

ducatigrrl — Fri, 25 Nov 2005 00:41:48 GMT

dating sucks. harsh words no ? I went on a date. I met him via an internet dating thing. his name begins with a 'K'. or the one he gave me. We met at the Wilshire Grand. It was close by his work he said, his being an attorney, or so he said. I didn't screen him, I mean this was just a date, nothing out of the ordinary. Casual. He knew lawyer stuff and all. The name of the firm he mentioned wasn't that far away at some point I started to feel ill. like major ill. he had this room, we had talked about doing each other and all, it seemed innocent enough. My feelings about that time are confused and are simply not there. I threw up at one point. I was in his room. I wasn't thinking much. later I woke up alone with bruises in a variety of areas or so I discovered much later. I had huge pain in my head, I was very paranoid and unable to think about what to do. I walked for hours trying to find my car walking straight was very hard to do. i still have calouses on my feet from the heels. I locked myself inside and sweated for a long time and eventually drove around until I got home and pulled myself up the stairs, laid on my bed and watched shadows and things move I was out of my head. I don't drink much when I'm with someone like that. He slipped me something. I didn't go to the hospital or the police, what was the point. And if he was an attorney I dont' want any trouble. I've had all the std tests there are and I'm fine. but that was a totally shitty thing to do. dating blows. He doesn't work where he said he did, or the name is different, i don't remember the time, that is the super big scary thing. there were other physical things that happened that I don't want to get into, let alone how stupid I was. I am alive, I'm very thankful for that if not surprised. i'm in some forms of denial about it. i don't want to revisit the issue. i looked at one of his emails since then deleted them. i had to make a deal with myself to move on.

An interesting test, if nothing else, just for the fun of it ...

ducatigrrl — Fri, 25 Nov 2005 00:01:04 GMT

TIBETAN PERSONALITY TEST ~ Take your time with this test and you will be amazed. I did this last year when this came around and a spiritual wish I made did happen - in fact all year long. The Dalai Lama suggests you read it to see if it works for you. Very Interesting. Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you. Be honest and do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely. Do not cheat. MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST! A warning! Answer the questions as you go along. There are only 4 questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results. Go down slowly, and complete each exercise as you scroll down. Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along. You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you a lot about your true self. Give an answer for each item. The first thing that comes to mind is usually your best answer. Remember - no one sees this but you. (1) Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference: Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig (2) Write one word that describes each one of the following: Dog, Cat, Rat,Coffee, Sea. (3) Think of someone, who also knows you and is important to you, which you can relate them to the following colors. Do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color: Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green. (4) Finally, write down your favorite number, and your favorite day of the week. FINISHED? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT. Look at the interpretations below: But first before continuing, REPEAT your wish. ANSWERS: (1) This will define your priorities in your life. Cow Signifies CAREER Tiger Signifies PRIDE Sheep Signifies LOVE Horse Signifies FAMILY Pig Signifies MONEY (2) Your description of dog implies your own personality. Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner. Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies. Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex. Your description of the sea implies your own life. (3) Yellow: Someone you will never forget Orange: Someone you consider your true friend Red: Someone that you really love White: Your twin soul Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life 4) You have to send this message to as many persons as your favorite number and your wish will come true on the day that you recorded. This is what the Dalai Lama has said about the Millennium - just take a few seconds ! to look it up, read it and think. Do not put away this message, the mantra will come out from your hands in the next 96 hours. You will have a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious. Please do this. It is fascinating. SEND THIS E- MAIL MANTRA TO AT LEAST FIVE PERSONS AND YOUR LIFE WILL IMPROVE. 0-4 persons: Your life will improve slightly 5-9 persons: Your life will improve to your liking 9-14 persons: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next three weeks 15 or more persons: Your life will improve drastically and all that you wish will come true.

it's 4:16 AM and I miss my friend.

ducatigrrl — Wed, 06 Jul 2005 11:29:39 GMT

I can't sleep, it may be the noise. but I have this hurt in my heart I really do. I miss my girl friend. we were just friends but I miss her a great deal nonetheless. things happen that you don't expect, I'm very sad and I still don't know what to do about it. In somewhat different ways we are both stubborn people, Occasionally I think of how I feel as a weakness, like get over it, move on, but it still bothers me. I must be such a fool. This is emotional needyness of someone who is incomplete and has no life. That is the only conclusion I can make.

I'm alone here tonight.

ducatigrrl — Mon, 04 Jul 2005 03:44:36 GMT

it's sunday evening, the sun has gone down, and the last rays have dissappared somewhere. I'm playing Moby on my stereo. Moby always provokes emotions in me. I miss my friend. Somehow things happen that you can't alter, stupid things that almost start by accident. I do miss her a lot. I think from time to time, 'hey di, that's a weakness on your part, be strong', but then again but in a vulnerable place is a strong thing too. It strange, I'm doing something I never thought I'd do, or at least not right now, and that is to leave the biz. all the above is very thought provoking and humbling. It's one of those one step at a time things, one day at a time. I don't believe in taking years to get over things and tons of therapy. I think that one could get over things in 5 min or less. (part of my old Werner Erhardt training). That has worked for me. But this is larger than most things I've done in awhile, and there are lots of pieces I'm picking up, trying out, and mostly putting down. Maybe it's good that I'm just with myself right now. I'm unsure of my ability to choose friends right now. I don't want to go backwards anywhere. oh, off to paint some more I think, and to cook up some pasta or something. oh my, ramen again. rats. Diane.

no sex tonight bollocks

ducatigrrl — Sun, 19 Jun 2005 10:38:52 GMT

had a date with this dude, let's call him 'E'. a normal civie date, thought I'd try that for once. he turned into such a lamer, never called me on time, actually never called me. that was the message right there, I had to call him. and to think that I wasted all of those enemas, damn. so much for true love. I need to go find some space on a corner. That seems more honest. D.

hey I live in LA now !!!

ducatigrrl — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 21:46:50 GMT

I keep getting emails from people saying, 'oh I see that you live in seattle....' I'm in LA now. not going back either. D.

i can't sleep, I've gotten so many replies to my 'seeking sex boy-toy ad'

ducatigrrl — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 10:31:17 GMT

in CL, that I've gotten over 40 replies in a few hours. some are very laughable, and I think I could be arrested if I saw some of them, then that woudl be spicy wouldn't it ? but some are from very rough guys, guys with scars and tattoos like I wanted. they could really fuck my brains out like I want. I'm getting into a mood. I want a cigarette now. I want to get totally pounded, (ass and all), friday saturday and sunday. I need to make up for some lost time, or I feel that way. Oy, this is going to hurt. D.

it's late thursday night and I'm horny.

ducatigrrl — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 07:43:12 GMT

is that ladylike to say ? I just put an ad on craigslist for a boy-toy, sex only please. I should do a girl one too, just to be fair I just want someone to come over and pound me for awhile, then get out. then mr. b can arrive. lol. sigh, another night with battery powered pierre.

oh my

ducatigrrl — Thu, 16 Jun 2005 21:29:26 GMT

I have a blog now.