Little bits of myself

Is it spring yet???

Dzaya — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:14:44 GMT

I sit and look out the window and the only thing that I can seem to think is...is it spring yet? I hate winter. I hate being cold, I hate being trapped indoors, I have the weather getting in the way of my visiting my friends. GRRRR.....I want it to be spring already. But at the same time I dont want ti to be because that means that my little guy will be over a year old : ( It seems like only yesterday I was seeing him come into this world. And now,,,He is talking and crawling and trying to walk. I never understood my mom when she said that when you have children time flys. Now I do. I think that if I had someone to share this miserable weather with it would make it so much better. Someone to sniggle with...to hold...to put my cold feet on so that they would get warm. Is that to much to ask...lol...well the cold feet is alot to ask someone. The biggest thing that I miss about spring is the smell...fresh grass being cut, flowers growing, the earth. It is all deadened in the winter. I am very much in favor of the smells of nature, I love to feel the power that the earth has as you hold the damp,moist, fertile soil in the your hand. The way that it has of cooling your hand off. The power that it possesses. I already have ideas of the garden that I want to plant and the flowers that it will possess. Each will have a reason for being there. Either a smell, a sccent, a purposee, there will be a reason that it is there. As the first soil is awakened with the shovel I feel like the earth mother. Powerful, caring, nurturing. It is a way for me to blossom.

Christmas is over

Dzaya — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 20:05:15 GMT

So all of the packages have been opened and all the paper thrown away. The little man got ALOT of noisey toys that he loves(I personally cant wait for all the batteries to die in them), and we are getting ready to celebrate the new year. It is hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant. God time flys. He is now 10 months old and I cant seem to shut him up. He is learning so quickly that soon I will have to watch what I say to him cause he will probably repeat it. Makes me wonder what he will learn at Pennsic this year. LOL. He is such a joy to me though. All of the new things that he is learning is amazing to me. As soon as I get his christmas pictures on a disk they will be put up here. For his first christmas do you think that over 200 pictures is to much??LOL. I got a digital camera so by the time he is 1 he will be sick of seeing the flash, but at least I wont miss opportunitites to get his smile on film.

The end is near...

Dzaya — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:46:28 GMT

Of 2007 that is. I cant believe that time has passed so fast. Wyatt is almost 10 months old and really getting into EVERYTHING....I know that that is expected but grrr.... I finally took the advice of everyone on child support. I turned him into the child support agency. It isnt fair to Wyatt. He deserves so much more. It really is making me stressed out though because I dont know how is going to react to this new developement. But at this point I am tired of being a pushover. Wyatt is my man priority and he is all that counts at this point. I am not going to stop him from seeing his son. In fact most times I bend over backwards to present opportunities for him to see Wyatt and there is always something.In fact the last time that he got to see Wyatt we sat and looked at each other and barely even talked. That isnt fun for anyone. So we shall see how all of this plays out. On the diet front for right now I am no longer on it...In fact I only lasted 3 days. Although in that 3 days I did lose 6 pounds. So it does have its merit. I will try it later once everything settles. It might be easier. Who knows.

The new Me

Dzaya — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 03:55:23 GMT

I am getting ready to get on the diet band wagon. I am trying a new diet that should help me to get down a whole size in 6 days. I guess that I will chronical my experience here. This should be very interesting. I dont kknow if it will work but I am thinking postively about it. I also am going to be doing something that I dont ever do...duh-duh-duh...exercise. This aught to be interesting. I cant wait to see. I have plenty of time to get a better prebaby body then I had before I had Peanut. This is the first in my 6 day adventure.

A lot of time to think

Dzaya — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 01:17:28 GMT

I get a few hours a day ALL TO MYSELF....they are wonderful. Sometimes I sit and veg infront of the TV so I dont have to think. Sometimes I get to read more then a few sentences without any interuptions. And sometimes I sit and reflect on how wonderful my life is. And how much Wyatt has changed it. I just wish that there was someone else to help with him. There are times that I wonder if it is better not to have someone in my life. But at other times it gets REALLY lonely. It isnt even a matter of the physical relations it is having someone to snuggle and be held by. When you dont have it for so long you tend to forget how nice it is when you have it. Now however I have Wyatt to worry about and I dont want to bring just anyone into his life. With him I am going to make asolute certain that whoever I bring into is gonna stay around for a long time. It isnt fair to him to get attached to someone to have them taken away when the relationship fails. Just more to think about. However I think that I am done thinking for now and am gonna veg infront of the TV. Ahhhh got to love time all to myself.

Sadness

Dzaya — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 16:11:54 GMT

I just got a call from my best friend in the whole world. She had just found out that she was pregnant a month ago. She had a doctor's appointment today. She found out that the babies heart had stopped beating. I am going to try and go with her for her D&C so she doesnt have to be alone. I dont know what I can do for her to ease her pain. She hasn't cried about it yet I can tell when she called me that she hadnt cried yet. She was just getting excited about the baby. It was going to be her second. I feel that it was going to be her little boy that she wanted. I did remind her that everything happens for a reason. It is never easy to miscarry. I think that for right now I will just be there for her when she needs to talk. She will decide when that is. I wont push her.

Excitement

Dzaya — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 00:46:13 GMT

I so can not wait until Pennsic. I dream about this event all year long. Make me pitiful probably. But I dont give a rat's ass. I love the sight, sounds, smells, and feeling that is Pennsic. I try to explain the phenomenon to my mundane parents and they look at me like I have a screw loose. Well not really all that much cause I liken Pennsic to Truckins that they used to go to when they were my age. It was all of these people in their 70's vans getting together doing drugs, drinking, acting crazy, racing.....wait this sounds like alot of things that we do with some modifications. HMMMM....I should look at them weird then now huh..... The TO DO LIST: 3 pair of Harem pants 3 cholis to match Harem pants 2 leather tops washing all other stuff Packing ...And then it is the trip home

So many choices...

Dzaya — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 21:02:49 GMT

Why can my life not be simple. Well now that I have written that it looks rather silly...I have a few choices that have been set before me. If I dont do one does that make the other one right? I have made up my mind I think about what I am going to be doing. But that is only for one of my problems. What about the other few that I have. I feel like if I took all of my choices and put them on a screen it would look like one of those computer screens trying to figure out a complete strand of DNA. Despite what I choose someone gets hurt. The only good thing is that with my decision for now it puts me close to some family and takes me away from other. However for right now I think that is the best choice for Wyatt. He is my main thing right now. And this will give me the chance to stay home with him for his first year which is what I wanted to do. It will be hard though. Somehow I think that it will make us both stronger though. I have become to dependant on my parents for help. I need to prove to them and me that I can makeit with Wyatt on my own. We are going to go to Pennsic this year. This will be my first time camping with my new family and also camping in the Valley. It will also be even more fun because of the fact that the baby got his first 2 teeth ( he is 4 1/2 months old) which means that I now need to bring him food and juice and his feast gear. God even more stuff to try and remember...lol....Will it ever end.....lol.....I love that little kid so much that I would do anything for him. Although truth be told Pennsic this year is for me. I want it to be better then last year. Last year was very weird for me. VERY weird. This year will be better I know I just wont know how better until the end.

What the hell

Dzaya — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 21:04:44 GMT

I am an educated, well balanced, excellent people person. So if I am all of these things why the hell will no one in this god forsaken city hire me. I need a job. This being home is driving me crazy. Granted I love being able to spend all of my time with Peanut. And my family is tolerable...They are getting to be a bit much. I need a job. Working from home, working part time....at this point it doesnt matter. I do however need certain special treatment and I dont think that any will give it to me. I need a break every 2 1/2 to 3 hours so that I can feed my child. Which means that the job needs to be close to home. I dont see me getting a job like that. It would be wonderful. It would be great. But right now it is looking like it is fantasy as well. I guess I will have to wait another 2 1/2 months and then I can look for a job. That seems to be one of the only options that I have. Oh well. Grrr.....

Time to think

Dzaya — Thu, 24 May 2007 03:42:09 GMT

I have had time to reflect and I tell you what. I cant be any more happier then when Animal asked me to become a Tuchux. Becoming a Tuchux means that they arent going to judge and expect be to be something that I am not. They accept me for me. No fronts. Just me. Needless to say that the little man--Peanut as he is now known--made a huge hit with everyone. I really could have gotten a better child. He just learned to role over today at our mommy and me massage class. I dont know that I want him to role over yet. I have heard that once he roles over I have lost him. I like it bestt when he lays on my chest and fall asleep. It never gets old. Or when he wakes up and has a smile on his face. It is so innocent and pure, I want him to keep that for as long as possible. He is so strong that it amazes me at times. And he simple doesnt understand that Milestones exist. In his world they dont. If he wants to do something, the world better watch out. He is gonna be a charmer. Yep gonna have a problem with girls. And he has a rather healthy obsession with Boobies. Big ones, small ones, it doesnt matter as long as you got them. This I know makes his father happy. And it cracks me up, because if you put him in a position where there are multiple sets all around him he cant decide which one he likes the best. Of course if they give him food those seem to be it right now. Boy when he gets older I am gonna have to keepa watch over him. It is strange to me that I love him so much. I never thought that I knew what love was. for the second that he was born I knew what love was. Every time that I look into his eyes I see it reflected back at me. It is the purest kind of love. He wants nothing from but love in return. It is the neatest feeling in the whole wide world. I am so happy that he will grow up to become a powerful Dog. I can and I cant wait until the day that he picks up a stick for the first time. It will be a proud moment. It will put him on the true path to becoming a warrior. But for now he is my Peanut. And that is good also.

Hehehehe

Dzaya — Sun, 02 Jul 2006 18:55:43 GMT

So with some munipulations of my schedule I will be going to Pennsic....yay......It will be for not as long as I wanted to go but this is better than nothing.....The thought never crossed my mind until A good friend suggested it.....I was also invited to camp with said good friend and her household on the Ghetti....I cant wait.....This will be my first year on the Ghetti.....so excited.......yeah do the happy dance.....yay

just fucking great

Dzaya — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 04:56:42 GMT

So I just found out that I will not be able to go to Pennsic this year....Yeah that just blows big fat hairy sweaty fighter balls.....oh wait wont be doing that either.....lol....got to find humor some where.....How much does it suck to be me???? I have waited so patiently all year long and I feel like a 3 year old waiting for Santa....I have been good all year long (well maybe not but you get the idea) and now I am being told that Santa wont be coming this year.....how much does that blow..... I honestly am so upset by it that I could cry....there is so much that I wanted to do this year....namely meet all the people that I have meet off of here.....now it will be a another year....just fucking great......So instead of only 59 days I have........424 fucking long miserably lonely days before I get to come back from a store run into town......I think that I am going to go cry myself to sleep now......I hope that this school thing is worth it...... I know it is worth it but it still fucking blows!!!!!!!

Hard times

Dzaya — Sat, 06 May 2006 02:10:28 GMT

My sister is leaving for Mexico this evening....Lucky Butthead...I love her to death and am going to be worried to death about her until she gets back....I have decided that I am going to give fighting another shot....I have been thinking about it for awhile and I want to do it.....I am gonna get private lessons until I get good enough then I am going to go to the head of my house and show him.....I want it to be a suprise.....I think it will be a good one......I am excited about the camping season being under way.....it was officially started last weekened when I went to Blackstone Raid.....now I think that I am not going to camp at Baron Wars but am going to camp at the War Practice......it will be my first.....I just hope that the one that I want to see is going to be able to make it......it will be really cool if they can......I guess that there really isnt that much more going on in my lfe.......just gonna be a worry wart till my big LIL sister gets home to the states and the house......it will only be 4 weeks so I guess I dont have that long to wait......just gonna be a long 4 weeks.......that is all for now

So LONG

Dzaya — Wed, 22 Feb 2006 06:35:06 GMT

Why about this time of year does it seem like Pennsic is never gonna get here? At last count 163 days. That seems so long from now. The end of February always seems to drag but now more so then ever. I want to see all of my friends, share a drink with some new friends, and genereally go back to the magic. The camp fire. The drumming. The Parties. The people. The parties, oh wait I already said that one. The sense of being home. Among people that completely and utterly understand you. And except you for all that you are. People that I can be myself with (although I am myself around anyone, garb doesnt change that at all). Yeah that is all for now. More later

The First Time

Dzaya — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 05:10:35 GMT

OK so im new to the whole blog thing and i just cant seem to feel comfortable with the idea that people can read my thoughts. Knowing that there are people that are reading this I just have to say this: Sometimes (maybe this is because i dont know all that there is to it) I find myself wondering and wanting to become a tuchux. You guys seem so much closer then some of the other groups in the SCA. You are beyond giving a f**k what people think. Despite the tough guy exterior you put out there for people, you really are a caring group of people. I just wish that i had the chance to have a one on one with a wench to ask them all of the questions that i have. Maybe have it explained to me a little better. Mainly because i have the biased SCA version. Im kind of tired so i think that i am going to go to bed now.