From one of my Tribe posts

10/9/07

As of this past weekend I moved in with Scott in his and Debbie's house. Debbie has cleared out the closet of all her stuff and Scott, Kim and I helped Debbie get her room situated. Debbie has stated that she likes that i have been doing most all of the cooking, doing the dishes and helping with the laundry. Kim is happy I am living with them. Scott is exstatic.

Joe helped us move some of my stuff to Scott's house. As we moved, Joe kept kissing and hugging me.

In the last several days I have remained "faithful" to Scott and Joe, and had no real desore to be with others. I can not say I am monogamous as of yet, nor am I sure I can be, but I have ben lately.

I have spoken with my mother, who is a sexual surrogate, and she has told me to be careful and to take this one day at a time. She did say that this all happend awefully quickly. Yet she has been supportive. My mom has known Scott and Debbie for years. She has spoken to both of them at length about this. She even talked with Scott about why he loves me and wants me in his life as a lover. He has told her that he is in love with me, like he has never been with anyone before. My mom asked him and Debbie if this was something they felt could or would tear them apart. Debbie told my mom that she and Scott have not had much of a relationship for some time and she, although jealous to a degree, is happy to see Scott happy. As far as how she felt about me and Joe, Debbie told my mom that he and I had dated off and on and that this was nothing more than a continuance of what has been there in the past. It didn't bother her that I was seeing oe.

I did talk with the therapist my mom works with and she told me that this type of relationship is rare, but not totally uncommon. She agreed that a lot happened in a short amount of time, but that doesn't mean that is a bad thing. She did caution me against forgetting about me as a person, that I don't "need" others to make me happy. I agreed.

When I talked with Scott about the other men I saw when he and Joe were away he told me it hurt him knowing other men had me when he couldn't. Yet he told me he understood on some level. Joe, on the other hand, told me that he wished he could have been a part of it.

I do love Joe, but I am IN LOVE with Scott. And yes I know he is married. Yet Debbie, his wife, has stated many times that it has ben nice to have someone else in the house to cook and share household chores with. While Scott and Joe were out of town I had a lot of time to talk with Debbie. I asked her if it was really okay with her that I am with Scott. She told me that her jealousy is from seeing what she could have had had she been more like me throughout their relationship. Debbie said that had she been more intimate with Scott and seen his needs and desires as being more important than she had seen them in the past that their relationship might be like mine is with Scott.

Debbie told me that she has realized that it is true that you never know what you have until it is gone. snd she has realized that this is not some one night sstand thing with me and Scott. Debbie admitted she is not a touchy feely type of person. She doesn't like to kiss or touch in public. She has never liked it when she and Scott slept together to feel him hard and pressing against her back. She told me she often knew Scott wanted to be intimate, and not always sexually, but was never really into it. And that she was more annoyed with his desires than anything else. Bebbie admitted that she was at fault for a lot that has happend to her and Scott's relationship.

Debbie also admitted to having sex with other men during their relationship, and that she had not always told Scott or felt it was any of his business. She told me she had been in love with a couple of men during her marriage to Scott, but never felt a desire to leave him for them. Debbie told me she understood why I would be in love with Scott. She told me that all her friends throughout their marriage had told her that if she ever wanted to get rid of Scott that they would take him because they wished their husbands were like Scott is.Debbie admitted to me that she never really appreciated Scott the way I have and do. She also admitted that and Scott have been more like room mates than husband and wife for most of their marriage.

Scott has told me I have fulfilled every desire he has ever had. He says I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman and a relationship. He did tell me he wished that Debbie had been more like me, or even tried to make the relationship more than it was. He said he had read all the books and had gone to seminars on how to improve his marriage, but realized that he was the only one really trying. And Scott told me it was so easy to love me because I loved him back. When I asked Scott what it was about me that made him love me he told me, "because you let me be and appreciate me for who I am, not what I have. You don't want me to be something I'm not. That is why I love you. I love you because of who you are, and who you are to me."

I have told Joe that I am not in love with him, but I do love him. Joe said that as long as I love him that is all that matters. I did ask him what he would do if I ever became monogamous and only saw Scott. Joe thought about that then told me that he would be hurt but he would respect my decision. I did tell him I had not yet made that dicision. Joe smiled and thanked me.

Kim, my friend and Scott and Debbie's daughter told me that she is very okay with things the way they are. When I asked Scott and Debbie's youngest children what they thought of me being with their daddy, they both told me they liked me and were happy I moved in.

I did talk with a therapist, and I talked with my mom. I talked with Debbie and Scott and Joe and Kim and Scott and Debbie's youngest two. I know I am happy, and I know Scott and Joe are happy. Debbie has said she is glad I am living with them now. Kim likes that I am around more. I know this may still seem like a disaster waiting to happen, but so far all has been actually very good. Debbie has been very open and honest with me about her and Scott and other men she has been with, and even her first guy ever. Debbie has admitted that if tht first love she had ever came around again she would definately get in a relationship with him because she is still in love with him.

When Debbie and I talked I found out a lot more about her and her past than I thought I wanted to know, but it was good to know it. She explained how she felt about her first love and how she never really felt that way about Scott. and that she would still be with her first love if he wanted her to be. Debbie told me about her first threesome with her and a guy and another woman, then her and two guys. She told me of her swinging past before she met Scott. When I asked why she and Scott never swung she told me that she felt she would have been self conscious having Scott around while she had sex with others. And that that was why she never told him about the guys she was with during their marriage.

Debbie told me straight out that Scott was not the best she had ever had, nor was he even close. Debbie told me that when she and Scott did have sex she wanted it over quickly. It never felt right for her to have sex with Scott. She said it actually felt weird to her when they had sex. And she added that when they did have sex she was horny afterward and wished she could see another guy and had in the past. Debbie told me that Scott got her horny, but not for him. She said that everytime they had sex she was thinking of and wishing it was her first love and her, not her and Scott.

I asked Debbie if she was thinking of Divorce. She said no. She told me she had thought about it, but wasn't willing to put their youngest through that. And she again told me it was actually nice to have me around, other than as a lover to her husband.

So, I guess we will have to see where this leads. So far, I feel it has been good. And that it can be.

A change of mind

Okay. Yesterday didn't go as I had planned. Scott and Joe both called me yesterday. and I called off the get together I had planned. I began to wonder what I was really doing to myself and Scott and Joe and my other lovers. I nneded time to think things through. I spent the day at Scott's house talking with Debbie and Kim. Both of them told me, like Scott did, that I had to do what I had to do. But I had to think about what I felt I "had" to do.

I am in love with Scott. And I do love Joe. I have a new family. I have a husband that I don't even have to marry. Yet I have other lovers who mean a lot to me, too. I do not get with my other lovers to hurt Scott or Joe. I get with them because I love them, too. I have been in love before. I know what it feels like. And I know what it means to feel loved. And I like both.

Debbie told me that Scott knew I had other lovers when he and I got together. And Joe knew, too. And I have had my other lovers for a long time. Debbie told me that I have to be true to myself. And if I still have a desire to see others, then I should. Debbie told me that we are only young once. And She wishes she had been more like me when she was younger.

Kim told me that since she is now seeing a married man that she understand even more what I am going through. Kim said she sees what I am going through as a tough thing to go through. And it is. I have had to really think a lot through lately. When I am with Scott I don't think about my other lovers, except when Scott asks me about them. He like me to tell him what and who I have done, etc.

Joe has been with several of my friends in the past. So, he knows what it is like for me. I have had to think a lot about monogamy. I don't think I am ready for it yet. Although I did call off the get together I had planned. And that was weird for me to do. Debbie told me she would have stood in for me, but added that she was just kidding.

Scott and Joe are coming home today, and I can't wait. We have a lot to talk about. I have a lot to talk about.

10/3/07

10/3/07 (The last post actually happened on 10/2/07, but I couldn;t get on the internet, So I wrote in in Word to remember everything. This post is from today 10/3/07)

I worked only a half a day today so that I could hook up with some friends. I have been missing Scott. When Scott and I are together it is magical. I feel so special and loved. When Scott and I have sex it is out of this world. He is an amazing lover. He really knows what he is doing. And he is well sized for the job. Because Scott is out of town until Friday night, I called some friends that I have played with in the past.

Henry, Ricky and Jonny, and their dad Hank, and Rick and Jeff and their dad Tom, Mike and Rene and their dad Ed, came over today. They all took off time from work to be with me. Mike is single, so he didn’t have to worry about his wife knowing they were with me, but the others kind of did. But they didn’t care. They wanted to be with me and wanted to help me feel less lonely. They are real friends.

Henry, Ricky, Jonny and Hank showed up first. As the others arrived they joined in. By one o clock they were all at my house. By the time Rick, Jeff and Tom showed up I was feeling like I was with Scott. They were making me feel the way Scott does when we have sex.

Everyone but Mike had to leave around six o clock. By about four o clock I was feeling like I was with Scott. After everyone else left, Mike and I had sex a couple more times. My entire being, inside and out, felt like Scott was with and in me. Mike mentioned that I was more passionate today than I have been in the past. And I seemed to be really happy. I told him I was happy, and I was in love. Mike told me that being in love made me a better lover. I agreed.

Mike told me that I seemed to want him and the others more than I had in the past. I agreed again. I told Mike how special Scott makes me feel. Mike told me he was happy that I found someone who makes me feel that way. As we talked some more Mike and I had sex again. As we had sex Mike told me that he thought that I would some day fall in love. He told me that I hadn’t stopped talking about Scott even when I was with him and everyone else today. I asked him how that made him feel. Mike told me it felt better than it ever did before, and he had Scott to thank.

As we had sex Mike had me tell him about me and Scott and Joe. He wanted to know all the details, So, I told him everything. The more I told Mike the more passionate he seemed to get. Finally Mike realized the time and had to go. After Mike left and I was able to reflect, I really liked how I felt because it felt like I had just been with Scott, or even Scott and Joe.

As I am writing this, it feels like Scott is still in me. Because of Henry, Ricky, Jonny, Hank, Rick, Jeff, Tom, Rene, Ed and Mike, I am feeling like Scott is actually here and not on the other side of the country. My body is energized and exhausted like Scott makes it. Sitting here it actually feels like Scott and Joe are in me.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my sister’s bio dad and some of his friends. I am hoping it is like today was. Henry, Ricky, Jonny and Hank are coming over again tomorrow, too. So, it should be a really good time.

I think that when Scott gets home I will still want him as badly as I do now, yet I will not have had to go without just because he is out of state.

Scott called and he knows that I have been and will be with others until he gets home. Joe knows, too. I told them both that I miss them very much and it is because I miss them that I have seen the others. Joe said he felt a little hurt that I have seen others, but kind of understood. Scott told me I had to do what I had to do.

I told Scott and Joe both that if they were here I would have been with them. And they told me they knew that. I also told them that the other lovers were friends, too, and that it would be wrong to just blow them off. No pun intended.

Scott told me that he wishes that he could be here when I am with the others. I told him if he were here I wouldn’t probably be with them. He responded telling me that he wished he was anyway.

Hank is a lot like Scott in many ways, especially in bed. Tom is very good as well. And Mike is really good, too. I very much enjoyed being with all of them. It felt good being with old friends again and doing what we all love to do.

I have a feeling that when I begin to miss Scott that Henry, Ricky, Jonny, Hank, Rick, Jeff, Tom, Rene, Ed, Mike and others like my friends Russ, Mike, Adrian, Paul, Jim and his son Justin, my sister’s bio dad and guys my dad works with will be willing to be with me. That means a lot to me.

Earlier today, before everyone showed up, I was missing Scott so much it hurt. I wanted to give myself to Scott, and I did so by giving myself to everyone that came today. When I talked to Scott I could still feel him in me from earlier. It felt good to still feel him in me and talk to him on the phone at the same time.

I know I am in love. And that is why I needed to see my old friends. They helped me to stay physically connected to Scott even though he is on the other side of the country.

I think I know how I am going to be monogamous for Joe and Scott, but I don’t think it is how they thought it could or would be. My way of being monogamous with them is by being with others because of my love for Scott and Joe.

Joe wasn;t happy to hear that I was with so many men today. He actually cried. I felt so bad for him. I told him I did it because I miss him and Scott. Joe told me that didn’t make any sense to him, yet he didn’t want that to come between us. Joe told me today that he is in love with me. I told Joe that when Mike was with me after everyone left I felt like I was with him. I told Joe that when Mike came it felt a lot like when he came, Mike just came more each time than he does.

Joe asked me if he were here today if I would have invited him to join in the fun. I told him yes. I told him that he was the reason I had so many guys over. Joe asked me to wait until he came home and he would make me feel like the others had. I told him I could not make that guarantee. I did tell him that I would not see others on Friday when he and Scott came back home. He said that was a good thing. And I agreed.

I am working another half day tomorrow. I don’t want to spend the whole day wishing I was with Scott or Joe or both. So, Ed, my sister’s bio dad, and his friends, and Henry, Ricky, Jonny and Hank are going to come over around 1:00 or so. I think that should help.
Henry, Ricky, Jonny and Hank have been a big help the last couple days. And I know they won’t let me down tomorrow.

Scott may be thousands of miles away, and Joe hundreds, but luckily I have friends who are willing to help me feel physically connected to Scott and Joe when I can’t actually be with them. These are true friends who are willing to take time from their day to spend time with me when I really need them. And to me that means a lot.

Another awesome weekend.

Another awesome weekend. Friday night Scott took me to see Spamalot, the Monty Python play. It was a great play, and it was even more special because I was with Scott. Scott and I went shopping for a dress for me to wear. It is a beautiful dress that fits me very, very well. After the play we went to dinner and then went to the Adam’s Mark Hotel for the night. The sex with Scott was magical. The whole night was magical.

After Scott had breakfast brought to the room Saturday morning, we ate and made love again. Scott is so romantic. He seems to know my body better than I do, and what to do to make me just melt.

We drove back to Scott;s house early afternoon Saturday and spent some of the day working on the “55” Chevy that he is restoring. Around 5:00 Joe came over and he and Scott put in a new tub and toilet in the guest bathroom. While Scott and Joe worked in the bathroom me and Debbie talked.

I asked Debbie how she was doing. She answered by telling me that Scott was happier now that I am in his life as his friend and lover and new wife. I didn’t know what to say. So, Debbie continued and told me that Scott told her that his bedroom was his and mine. Debbie told me that Scott is happier than he has ever been, and that I was the reason. I continued to listen.

Debbie told me that she hadn’t thought this would go where it has. She told me first off that she was not worried about me being with Scott because he always comes back to her. But she knows that isn’t the case any more. Debbie told me that Scott has never taken her to a play, nor has he ever taken her to a hotel. I told her I was sorry. Debbie told me not to be sorry because I make Scott happy in a way she never has been able to.

I asked Debbie what she felt I did that made Scott happy in a way she never has been able to. Debbie told me that me wanting him to be who he used to be was the key. Debbie explained that Scott had a lot of girlfriends before he and she met. Scott was well known in their school for his ability to please the girls. And a lot of girls wanted to be with him. She told me she wondered for years how she got so lucky to have him, and him to want to be with her.

Debbie further explained that Scott was bigger than she had thought he would be, and that when they did have sex their first time it hurt, and it has hurt every time since. She admitted that Scott is a master when it comes to oral skills, and even though he got her wet, she was too small for him and when he entered her it was like giving birth. She explained that she has had only C sections and still has a very small vagina.

Debbie told me that Scott is very aggressive in bed, which I knew. She said that even when he was gentle it still hurt like hell to have him in her. Debbie told me that Scott has told her that although I am tight that he can get all the way in me and he loves that. She said that other women he has been with have never been able to take him the way I have, and that that is one of the reasons I make him happy in a way she can’t.

I asked Debbie if it was just the sex that he liked. Debbie sighed then told me that Scott loves just being near me. She said that when he reads Emails I send him he gets all blushy. Debbie told me that Scott talks about me all the time when I am not there. Debbie told me that I am what Scott has always wanted her to be. She added that me being so young is a big help, too.

Debbie told me that me being her daughter’s age made it special for Scott because our relationship is borderline taboo. Debbie told me she knows that she has lost Scott, but she is happy that he is happy. Debbie and I talked for a few minutes more, then she went to her friends house for the night to play cards with her friend and her friend;s husband, and another friend.

After Debbie left Scott informed me that the husband of Debbie;s friend and Debbie had been lovers in the past. Scott told me that he and Debbie and the friends that Debbie went to see used to play strip for sexual favors and that Debbie really liked her friend;s husband because as Debbie has put it “He fits me so well.” Scott told me that he was pretty sure that Debbie is seeing the couple for more than just cards and board games. And he doesn;t mind

I asked Scott why he loved me. He kissed me and I forgot what I asked him. He led me to our bedroom and we commenced to make love. I had forgotten that Joe was still there, but I remembered soon afterward. It was 8:00 before it came to me and I asked Scott where his youngests were. He told me they were at their grandmother;s house. Joe added, “So, it’s just the three of us for the night.”
I admit it felt good being with both Scott and Joe, but what made it special was realizing that I was part of their father and son bonding experience.
Scott and Joe are not the first father and son I have been with sexually. I also am now seeing another father and son. This experience is not new to me. I like it when a father and son can do anything together, especially when the son is older. Too often fathers and sons do not do enough together. And I have been fortunate enough to be what the fathers and sons do together. Knowing that both the father and son have the same memories to remember and talk about means a lot to me.

I come from a very close family. And too many families out there are not very close at all. Like with Scott and Joe, they are close anyway, but to be able to be with me together, sexually, is something few fathers and sons get to do together. The fathers and sons I have been with have had wonderful relationships that were nothing more than enhanced by being with me, physically. I am not saying that it was me that made their relationship any closer, but I know I have been a part of it.

I have to admit that although I have been with other fathers, Scott is not just another father or another lover. I feel I truly love him. And that he is willing to share me with his son means a lot to me. Scott tells me he loves me and wants me to be in his life for the rest of his life. And I want to be. Scott tells me that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone else. I feel the same way.

Although I will see others, sexually, being with Scott means much more to me. Scott has asked me to not see others other than he and Joe. Joe has also asked me to be with just him and Scott. They both want me to be monogamous with them. Joe is now single, or available because the girl he was seeing found out about me. So, Joe wants me to be with him and Scott only. When I asked Joe about his girlfriend, Joe just told me to forget about her because he had.

Scott has stopped having sex with Debbie and Joe split up with his girlfriend because of me. Joe told me that he isn’t sure if he loves me, but he wants to continue seeing me. He told me I am everything he has ever wanted a girl to be. And Scott has told me that not only do I make him happier than he has ever been, but it pleases him to see Joe as happy as I make him.

Kim came home Sunday morning to find me and Scott and Joe still asleep. Debbie had taken the girls to the mall and Kim had spent the night with a husband I introduced her to. The guy Kim stayed the night with is married to a flight attendant. So, his wife is gone a lot. Kim looked in on us and smiled and said “good morning.” I nodded, then got out of bed.

I asked Kim how things went and she thanked me several times. Brad, the guy she had stayed with, is the same age as Scott. Kim told me she thought being with Brad was going to feel like being with her dad, but it was good, better than she had expected it to be. Brad is the first guy that she has dated that is older, as old as her dad. She admitted she wished she had dated older guys a long time ago.

Kim asked me how things were going. I motioned toward her dad;s and my bedroom. Kim hugged me and told me she was happy for the three of us. I told her I was glad. I also told her that Joe and Scott both wanted me to be monogamous with them, and only them. Kim didn’t say anything for a minute, then told me that her mom, Debbie, had told her that if anyone could keep them monogamous it was me.

I asked Kim what she thought. Kim told me that I am all that she hears Scott and Joe talk about. I asked Kim if that was a bad thing. She said it wasn’t. She added that she was probably not the person to ask, considering she was now sleeping with a married man, something she has not done before. I asked Kim if she thought I was taking time away from his younger siblings. She assured me that Scott is doing a good job of balancing and sharing his love.

All I know is that I am in love. I am not sure I can or will be monogamous with Scott and Joe. I do love Scott, and feel for him feelings I have never felt for anyone else, and I do very much enjoy being with Joe, but I am not sure I am ready to settle down and be with just two guys for the rest of my life.

The one thing that has meant a lot to me is that although I am Scott;s “love of his life”, he still shares me with Joe who says I am everything he has ever wanted a girl to be. The thing is that I can’t limit my love. To me being in love means I want to be with Scott more than anyone else. I enjoy being with both Scott and Joe a lot. I also like being with Wayne and Dave, Henry, Ricky, Jonny and their dad Hank, etc. And I still like hooking up with several other male friends at the same time. As I have said before, the only time I have felt like Scott makes me feel is when I am with several other male friends one after another or all at the same time.

This last weekend was awesome, full of memories. Yet I still have a lot to think about and through. Scott is out of town till Friday, and Joe is in Grand Junction. Wayne and Dave are not available. I miss Scott, a lot. Although I am in love with Scott, I have other friends I also want to continue seeing. And several of them together can make me feel like Scott makes me feel. I do not want to give up what I already have for just one or two people.

I have been told that when you are in love that you are a different person. You change. I am not sure what that means. I still want to be with old friends. I have enjoyed being with others in the past, and I am not sure that will ever change. And I am not sure about this whole monogamy thing. Although Scott and Joe only want to be with me, and I do really love being with the both of them, I am not sure I only want to be with them only.

There have been more times than I can count that I have had several men in my bed at one time. And those times have been magical, too. When I am alone with Scott he makes me feel like I am the most special woman on the planet. Yet, I also feel that way when I have several men with and in me in a night. And I feel the same way after Scott or after several men have sex with me.

In closing, I have to say that it is weird knowing that it takes like seven guys to make me feel like Scott does, and more to make me feel like Scott and Joe do together. Maybe being in love makes me feel more. I am not sure. What I do know is that I am in love with Scott and want to be with him more than anyone else.

I want to feel what Scott makes me feel. And because I am polyamorous I can and have been with others. And I will still be. And since I have been seeing Scott, many of the men I have seen in the past have been calling me and wanting to be with me. And close friends I saw a lot have been telling me they miss me. That means a lot to me. I don’t think being in love should mean I should forget about or stop seeing or having sex with other men. I have loved them, too.

Being in love is confusing. I want to be with Scott because I love him and I love how he makes me feel. Yet he is married and has a wife and children. He and Joe may have stopped having sex with others, but does that mean I have to? And just because both Scott and Joe make me feel like a Goddess, does that mean I have to give up others who make me feel that way collectively, too?

I got with Henry, Ricky, Jonny and their dad Hank earlier today, and it was a blast. It felt really good to be with them. I am not in love with them, but I do love them and love being with them. I always have. Yet when I was with them I saw Scott;s face in their faces.
Is that love?

The last 18 days

Okay, a little more information, back ground and an update.

Fifteen of the last eighteen days I have either spent the evening and the night or the entire weekend with Scott. Debbie has all but given Scott to me and relinquished her responsibilities as a wife. The three of us are friends, but Scott and I have been lovers since the ninth of this month.

I have known Scott and Debbie for about eight years. Their daughter Kim and I have actually known each other since we were ten years old. In my pre and early teens, and since then I have dated her brother, Scott and Debbie;s son, Joe off and on .

Scott has always flirted with me, and I with him. I had never thought he and I would ever be in a relationship, but as of the ninth of this month we have been seeing each other, seriously. And it all started with a simple kiss, one that blew my mind.

On the ninth of this month I was helping Scott and Debbie rearrange some stuff in their house. Scott and I had never hugged before, but we did that day. I came over on the tenth and we did some more work on their deck. The afternoon of the tenth Scott gave me a hug and kissed me, then asked me to spend the night. And I did.

Since that night I have stayed at his house fifteen out of the last eighteen days. Debbie has slept in the guestroom when I stayed over, but changed the sheets for us in her and Scott;s room. I have told her I appreciate that she has pretty much given Scott to me. She told me she only wants him to be happy.

Scott and Debbie are complete opposites. He is very good natured and is a very funny man. Debbie is very staunch. Debbie isn’t a touchy feely type of person like Scott is. Scott and Joe are very much alike. I have, like I said, dated Joe off and on for years. I have enjoyed my time with Joe, but being with Scott is different.

Joe and I have been friends for years. When we have dated we have had sex. With Scott the sex has been different. Me and Scott have made love, but never had sex. And I know the difference now more than ever. I love Scott. I am actually in love with him. The three days that Scott wanted or felt he should spend time with Debbie I spent the nights with Joe.

Kim, Scott and Debbie;s daughter, and I have been friends since we were ten years old and she has always known that me and her dad have always flirted. And she has never minded. I asked her what she thought of me and her dad dating. Kim said she knew it would happen eventually. When she told me she knew I asked her how she knew. She said she could tell her dad really, really liked me.

Kim told me that seeing her dad with me was like seeing two teenagers together. She had never seen her dad act the way that he does around me. She also added that Scott had often mentioned he wished that he was dating me when Joe and I were dating a few years back. And when I stayed at Joes recently I called Scott and asked if he minded. Luckily, he said he didn’t mind. Although I know he wished it were he with me instead of Joe.

Debbie has been like normal around me. She has said that Scott talks about me all the time when she calls him at work. She also told me that she thinks this is looking like it is going to be a permanent thing. I told her I would like it to be, but I also understood that Scott was Her husband. Debbie told me that she felt we were both his wife.

I asked Debbie if there was anything she wished we wouldn’t do or say or what ever. She admitted seeing us deep kiss right in front of her did kind of ping her stomach. I promised I would try to keep that type of activity out of her sight. She told me Scott wouldn’t. She told me she knew Scott better than me. And I agreed. Debbie said Scott is a touchy feely person and has no sense of modesty. I wasn;t sure how to take that.

I have been seeing another guy and his dad for about a year now, off and on. Actually I see the dad more often, but both on ocassion. Scott knows I am polyamorous and he and Joe both know about the other guys I see. Yet I have to admit, since me and Scott have gotten serious I have been wanting more and more to only be with Scott.

Although I have had monogamous feelings, I know that Scott is married and Debbie is his wife. I also know that since Joe and I have had a past that I will probably continue to see him, too. The other father and son are both married. The father;s wife knows about me. The son’s wife doesn’t. And yes there are other married men I see from time to time, but Scott is special to me. I have feelings for him that I have never felt for anyone else.

I may never be monogamous, but I have felt monogamous feelings toward Scott. I know it is wrong to do so, especially since he is married. But, Debbie changes the bed sheets for me and Scott, and she lets me stay the night and sleep in her bed and make love to her husband. When me and Scott are together Debbie is like a friend to us both, and people have asked me and Scott if we were married. There have been a few times that Scott said yes.

Scott has admitted that he loves me differently than he loves Debbie. And he has had sex with her many more times than made love to her, and that he can’t imagine us having sex. He sees us together as making love. And I like that.

What is weird is that Debbie has told me that Scott has never made her orgasm. Why she told me this I am not sure. I did not tell her that I have orgasmed every time with Scott. And Debbie told me that Scott lasts far too long for her. I could not agree with her on that. The sex with Scott is pretty much the best I have ever had, and I think it is because I love him. The only time I have ever felt the way Scott makes me feel after or during sex is when I have been with several guys at once or several one after the other.

I have to admit that I have felt high for the last three weeks or so. It is such a good feeling. Kim told me the other day, or asked me, “love is intoxicating, isn’t it?” I have to admit that it is.

I like being considered Scott;s other wife. I also like that his wife gives up her bed for and to me. I also like that when I can’t be with Scott that Joe is so much like him. I also like that the other father and son that I see remind me of Scott. And I am glad that Kim is okay with me seeing her dad as well as her brother. What I like too, is that Debbie tells me I am part of the family now. Debbie told me there is only one rule, that I treat her husband as my own. And that is what I intend to do.

Scott had to go out of town for a couple days. Joe is out of town, and the other father and son I see are not available. I have other men I could have gone to, but I have not needed or wanted anyone else since the last time Scott and I were together. So, here I am getting all the benefits of being married without having to be. I do have to share Scott with Debbie at times, But that comes with the territory. I am just happy and feel so lucky that Scott wants me in his life and in his bed. And I am really lucky that his wife wants me to be with him. That his daughter and son are friends is important to me, too. I like my new family and my new love. I just felt I should update everyone.

Till next time

This and last weekend

This and last weekend were awesome. I spent time with someone who means a lot to me. With special people smiling and happiness come easy. Little needs to be said when feelings are involved. A look or a smile says more than many words. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but a smile can do the same thing.

A few words spoken from the heart can change a person;s world. And when a connection is so real and feels so right, it can make you feel high. No drug can compare to what love can do for and to you.

In my situation I am not the only woman in this man;s life. He has a wife and children. One of his children is older than I am. But, his wife is more than okay with us being together and even let us sleep in their bed. And she slept in one of their daughter;s rooms.

His wife says she likes seeing him happy, And that I make him happy. I have to admit he makes me happy, too. We spent the whole day together. She watched the kids and let me and her husband spend the day together.

We woke up this morning. I made breakfast for everyone. His wife told me she liked my cooking. His kids liked the chocolate pancakes I made. We ate as a family, which felt really good. His wife said she likes our arrangement. She gets to spend more time with the kids one on one, and her husband is happier and less bitchy.

This man I am speaking of, his name is Scott. His wife, Debbie, is a super woman. She is someone very special. I am sure not too many women want or are willing to allow their husband to be with a woman, or even a girl younger than their oldest child, take her place in and out of bed.

Although they have four children, their sex life has been quite dismal. She told me that when they did have sex she always felt so inferior. She doesn’t really like giving orally. She actually hates doing it. And when it comes to intercourse, she prefers it to last maybe a couple minutes. And Scott lasts a lot longer than that.




Debbie told me this weekend that she and Scott have been more like room mates the last thirty years or so. And the sex was minimal to non-existent. She admitted that theirs was a marriage of convenience. She has little work experience and Scott makes very good money. Debbie told me she would divorce Scott if she actually thought she could make it on her own. And she feels she couldn’t. They were separated 13 years ago for a year and in that time she was getting food stamps and moved five times and had two cars repossesed.

Scott and Debbie are living together for the kid;s sake. Their oldest son thinks our relationship is good for his dad. Their daughters think we ought to get married. Neither me or Scott think marriage should even be thought about. He is married and there is no reason for them to get divorced. I spent all of yesterday, last night and until an hour ago with Scott. When Debbie came home she asked for some alone time and Scott and I decided we could see each other again tomorrow.

I feel high. I have been with a lot of men, but Scott is different from the other men I have dated. Scott asked me if I thought I could be monogamous and I told him I would have to think about that. I asked him if he could be monogamous to me, he reminded me that he was married. I told him I knew that. So, neither of us really answered each other;s questions. And that’s okay.

Being married and seeing me is not being monogamous to his wife. So, it was almost funny that he asked me to be monogamous. I am not sure if I can or want to be monogamous with anyone yet. Scott is married and has three children living at home. And he has another, not living with them, who is three years older than I am. He has other responsibilities. I am just enjoying what is there with us now. And we are taking it day by day.

As I was leaving tonight I heard Debbie tell Scott she was horny. That made me feel really good. I had spent a lot of time with him last and this weekend. We got together at about 4:00 Friday afternoon and spent the evening and night together. Then there was breakfast this morning. We went shopping early today. Scott told me he felt like a teen-ager again. He even told me he never felt the way he did for me for anyone else, ever. That felt good and was nice to hear.

Scott;s daughters like me and I like them. They like seeing me and their dad together. Their oldest daughter asked us when we were going to get married. I told her that just because you love someone that doesn’t mean you have to or should get married. When Debbie changed the sheets on her and Scott;s bed their oldest daughter asked if this was where me and their dad was going to sleep. Debbie told her yes. It felt nice knowing Debbie was so supportive.

Debbie walked in on me and Scott this morning. We didn’t notice right off. As a matter of fact we have no idea how long she was standing at the door before we noticed her. When we did notice Debbie standing there she just smiled and closed the door. Me and Scott were not really in a position where we could have seen Debbie standing there anyway. And It was nice knowing that Scott didn’t mind that Debbie may have been standing there for some time.

When we returned to the real world, per se’ I asked Debbie if me and Scott being together bothered her. She told me she didn’t care. She told me it was nice to see Scott smiling again. I told Debbie he made me smile, too. Debbie told me that Scott was very good at what he did. And I agreed.

This was and has been a great weekend.

I have dated several married men in the past, but not very often were the wives present, nor did they ever get their bed ready for me and their husband. Scott and Debbie are great people, and their marriage is very strong. Their type of love for each other is very real. Debbie is like the counterpart to my dad. Only Debbie still wants to have sex with Scott. Although I think it was just because I had been with him that she wanted sex with him tonight. And I understand that that happens.

I know Debbie and Scott are sharing intimacy, and possibly intercourse, as I write this. And that is good. Scott told me that Debbie is not as good as I am. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that she really doesn’t like or want or enjoy sex, and that she has had four kids. She is 5’9”. She is a size 26 and she has FF size breasts. I am 19, 5’7”. I only weigh 103 pounds and I have B cup breasts. Scott says he is not concerned with looks or body type. And I believe him. But he did ask me how he got so lucky to be with and have me.

I feel fortunate to have met and been able to spend quality time with Scott. And I want to spend as much time with him as I can. Yet I also know that he has three children at home who need his attention more than I do. Therefore, when I get to have alone time with him I want to make the best of it. And when I am with him in a family atmosphere I am going to enjoy it, too. His kids have seen us kiss and hold hands, and they like it. So do I. Scott told me he was a little concerned about what the kids might think. I told him that children accept more when they are younger. I asked him what his oldest thought of us being together. Scott told me that his son told him, “You better hang on to her if you don’t want me trying to take her away from you. And even if you do I might.” I saw that as a form of acceptance. I think that is good.

I don’t know where this is going to lead, but I am open to the possibilities.

Night Ranger concert.

While at the concert tonight I loved the music and the energy of the performers, but the energy of the crowd seemed to be lacking. The audience was made up of all ages from the people who knew these performers in their teens to people my age and younger. the younger people were looking to their parents to see how they should act. Many of the older people just stood there and ocassionally tapped their feet. And there were those who hadn;t forgotten how to bang their heads. I was a head banger lite, I guess you could say.

Just before the show a lot of people seemed to want to be as close to the stage as possible. There were no seats. It was an outdoor show. Many people felt uncomfortable with the way people were crowding them. I have to agree. Even though I like closeness with others, there are times when you wish people would give you a little space. Personal space is very important to a lot of people. Consideration is often appreciated. There is a time for closeness and a time for personal space. An outdoor concert is not really the place you are going to get much personal space, but another person's consideration is nice when it happens.

We all like to be touched, hugged or what ever. But when you are crowded in a place of limited space and someone is shoving you or pushing you it can feel like your space is being violated. I am not one to often be bothered by crowds or being touched, but being shoved into other people so that you can be where I was in inconsiderate. When other people look at you as if you did it purposely, it can be embarrasing. Then there are the times when you know the person is standing really close for another reason, one of a physical nature. Although that can be fun, in many cases it isn;t. It can be kind of scary.

Groups and crowds are different. A group is often easy to control. A crowd can easily get out of hand. And much can happen in a crowd that no one else sees except those involved. Outdoor shows can be a trip. The show was awesome! What happened in the crowd was another story. But if you have been in that situation you know what I am talking about.

Well, just happy I got to go to the cancert, and just had to tell everyone and just add a little commentary.

Till next time . . .

Life is funny

It is at your worst and the toughest of times that you realize who your true friends are. Life is not something we can manipulate or predict. Life is ever changing within and without us. In one single second your world can change for the better or the worst. What happens after that is up to each of us. We can live our lives trying to be someone else, or we can be who we are.

It is your real friends who see past the outside venere, and truly see you for who you are.

I have tried not to let emotions control my life, but there are those times when I get emotional. We all do. And that is not a bad thing. The problem is when we get emotional about little things. But, often, little things are perceived differently by different people.

Life has a way of making you see yourself differently, too. It is not always social mores that make you see yourself differently. Things that happen in your life can make you see yourself differently. It is your true friends who remind you of who you really are. And they are usually the ones who look beyond what is seen and see that which is unseen.

We all have had moments when we wished we were someone else. That is called dreaming. Dreaming is not a bad thing, either. We all have dreams. We all have desires, on many levels. We are human beings, all unique. That uniqueness is what makes us who we are.

Two of my favorite movies are Mask (the one with Cher and Sam Elliot) and Mel Gobson;s The Man Without a Face. These are two movies that show that outer appearences are not what or who a person is. And that aside from outer looks, people are people. This is so important to remember.

Just thoughts. Just a reminder. Just me.

Younger women with older men

Since the movie The Graduate people have grown accustomed to the thought of a younger man being with an older woman. The stigma attached to the opposite is still prevalent, though.

Many might ask what a younger woman would see in an older man, why she might desire to be with an older man. I am here to say there are many reasons. One being the maturity level of an older man. This is not to say that an older man must be serious all the time, or that he not be childlike at times. Both have their place.

To me the appeal of an older man is his understanding of where he has been and the fact that he has learned from his past. Older men usually have the qualities girls look for in boys and women look for in men. It has been my experience that older men know who they are. They are not trying to prove they are someone they are not. I am not saying all older men are this way, but this is what I have seen and desire.

Older men often have had kids or have helped raise others children. They understand that younger people will do and want to do things that younger people want to do. And there are older men who often want to relive those times. I think that is healthy.

Older men are also often set in their ways. They do not want to play head games. They are who they are. And often they are past caring what others think of them or what they do.

Older men also have an appreciation of beauty, other than the physical. This is important to me. There is often sophistication to the way an older man relates to a younger woman. I like this in a man.

Older men remember what it is to be a gentleman. This is something that is lacking in our society. Of course I am generalizing, but it is one thing I do find appealing when I experience it. A gentleman is like a lady in that he knows how to act in public and how it is different in private.

I am not saying I want a man to always be a gentleman. There are those times that I want a man not to be a gentleman. I want him to be a man. One might ask what makes a man a man. Well, that depends on the situation. If a man is willing to defend a woman’s honor, that is to be respected. But if at the same time he has those same desires as another man, but in an intimate time, that is being a man, also.

I also like that older men recognize a person’s inner beauty as well as outer beauty. This is important to me. I look at myself and I see my eyes and my smile as two of my best assets. Of course, men being visual, they first notice the outer look of women. It is those men who see more of the outer and appreciate it that I like most.

Older men are not hung up on things that younger men are, for the most part. Older men are not usually slaves to cultural fashion, and they are not often prone to embarrass you by the way they dress.

Older men also are not shocked by much. They have an acceptability of things that younger women may find new. I like it when an older man lets me see something as new, even though it is something that is very old to him.

It is known that girls are attracted to men who remind them of their father. I can’t say that is why older men appeal to me, though. My dad is a great guy. I like him because he is real. He doesn’t hold his words, and he says what he means. This I like in all man. Yet, I do not find this often in younger men.

I do not look at men as father figures. I look at men as men. In another blog post someone asked me what I felt masculine meant. To me masculine is something that too many men are not.

To me masculinity is a trait both men and women can have, but male masculinity is different than feminine masculinity. Stay with me here. To me a man who is responsible is masculine. A man who can own up to his actions or in-actions is masculine. A man that stands for something is masculine. A man who is not afraid to stand up for what he believe is masculine.


Masculinity has more to do with a person’s character than with physical traits. To me a man who is decisive is masculine. A man who can make decisions is masculine. A man who can admit he is wrong is masculine. A man who can admit his faults is masculine. So, you see, to me masculinity may not be the dictionary definition of masculinity, but it is what I define as being masculine.

I am very feminine. I can be a lady or a tramp, depending on the circumstance. I have always felt a woman should be a perfect hostess in the living room, a master chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I feel that in public a women, no matter her age, has a responsibility to not embarrass the men she is with. I also feel it is her responsibility to make her man proud. This is not really that tough to do.

I feel that too many women have forgotten what it means to be a lady. I do like to dress comfortably when I can, but I also know how to dress for occasions. I also know how to act with a man in public. Older men grew up watching TV or movies and seeing women who were ladies. They were proper, not foul mouthed, and they did not try to be men.

I am not saying that women can’t do what men can, but I do know there are things men can’t do that women can. And when it is possible to be a lady, reminiscent of the ladies of the past, men appreciate it. And I enjoy it, too.

What, you may ask, is a lady? To me a lady is someone who fosters a man’s masculinity. She doesn’t try to out do or to put down men for being men. A lady is someone who understands that she has a responsibility to be feminine. Cleanliness and a beauty are important to men. Ladies understand this. A man wants to like what he sees. And that is not a bad thing. One does not have to be societally beautiful to be beautiful. She is beautiful in who she is.

I am not better than anyone else. I am who I am. I like who I am. I feel good about who I am. I excersize, for me. I take care of myself, for the most part. I like to have fun, but I also know that responsibility must come into play. A persons language often defines who they are. I try not to use foul language. I try to be what I feel is a good person, and also attractive to others. You don’t have to be physically attractive to be attractive.

I may have gotten off the point some, but I believe what I have said so far explains why I like older men. If I had to give a simple answer as to why I am attracted to older men, I would have to say that it is maturity and an ability to be childlike, self-assuredness and confidence, experience and a lust for life that attracts me.

Enuf for now.

Journeys

A man walked into the store today. I work at a metaphysical bookstore. He asked me if I thought metaphysics could help him with his anger issues. When I asked what type of anger issues, he told me that people piss him off.

I asked him why people pissed him off. He told me that people are stupid. He added that anymore he gets angry easily. I asked him who pissed him off the most. He told me everyone pissed him off. I pointed to myself and he told me I didn’t piss him off. He told me he didn’t even know me. Then I asked if it was people that he knew that pissed him off the most. He shrugged and said, “sometimes.”

I asked the man who owned the car he was driving. He said the bank did. I asked him who owned the house he lived in. He said his landlord did. I asked if he was married. He said he was. I asked who took care of the checkbook. He said his wife did.

I told him that metaphysics has many uses to many people, but I thought that he had to know what he wanted before I could help him. He said he wanted something to help him not get so pissed off all the time. I asked him why he wasn’t pissed at me. He said he didn’t know me and I hadn’t done anything to piss him off.

I told the man there are many paths one can take, and each has a different type of journey, but often the same destination. I informed him that there are books on meditation, yoga, magik, tantra, kareeza, books by different men and women from different paths. I asked him what he had thought about before he entered the store, as far as what his interest might be. He said, “something that can help.”

I asked this man where he had the most power, within his life. He told me he didn’t feel he had any. He admitted his wife pretty much ruled the house, he was stuck in a dead end job, his kids didn’t respect him and he had no real friends to speak of. He told me that life sucks. I didn’t want to argue with him. So, I told him that I liked that he was willing to make a difference in his life.




We talked as he thumbed through books. I asked questions and he answered. We talked a little about some of the books he thumbed through. Eventually I had to tell him that each of our lives is what we make of it. We can be happy with things the way they are, or at least be somewhat content, or we can be pissed off all the time. He looked at me, then smiled.

The man told me he had believed that way a long time ago. He told me he had been into metaphysics back when the book “I’m okay, you’re okay” came out. He said his life had changed a lot since then. He had grown older, not much wiser, and had many regrets. He said he wished he could turn back time and do it all over again the right way. I agreed that would be nice.

When I asked him why he was pissed all the time he said he didn’t know. I told him I knew. I told him that he had given away his right to his own emotions. He had let others control how he felt. He agreed. I told him all he had to do was take charge again, and decide not to let others make him angry. He admitted that he knew others could only piss you off, if you let them. I agreed.

I told him all the answers he was looking for he already knew, he just had to understand what it was that he had to know. The man asked me what really pissed me off. I smiled and told him that people who are always pissed off piss me off. We both laughed. The man had been carrying a copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and The Only Dance There Is. Both good books.

The man introduced himself and apologized for his demeanor. I smiled and told him it was okay. He paid for his books and left. I had to wonder if he was searching for something specific, or if he already knew what he wanted or needed. Both of the books he bought are old books, good, but old. If he had been into metaphysics long ago, I would think he already had copies of the books he bought.







After he left I realized that he hadn’t come into the store looking for anything. He already knew what he wanted and needed to know.
The store entrance was more than just a door. It was a door way to his past. I was a part of his journey. I was his reminder of who he was, and was supposed to be. He didn’t have to buy the books. He probably already owns a couple of each. What he had to do was reconnect with his previous self, the person who used to be in charge of his life and his emotions, and his happiness.

It’s always fun meeting people on your journey, but it’s even cooler knowing you were a part of somebody else’s.