Remembering Sean

I met Sean on Hallowe’en Night, 2000.

Twice prior to that, our paths had crossed
First there was the Audra concert in September at the Requiem Club in San Jose.
Then there was a dance on the base in Monterey on 27 October.

One of the most supreme statements of the Gothic Culture
in the SF Bay area was House of Usher/Roderick’s Chamber.
This was basically the same club.
House of Usher was in the Easy Bay, then moved.
It was renamed Roderick’s due to the new location in San Francisco
and was run by the same people.

When I started attending Roderick’s in 1998 it was already in decline.
The people who had made the scene were beginning to avoid attending.
The music had become so hard, they could no longer dance.
Even so, even it its decline, Roderick’s Chamber was glorious.

Anyway, as a regular, I had developed a cordial relationship with Shawnee,
the wife of Xavier.
Both of them were the owners of Roderick’s Chamber.

Hallowe’en Night at Roderick’s Chamber, the premier Goth Club in San Francisco.
There was this guy that I had seen twice before
and in locations where I would not normally go.
So I walked up to him and said hello.
He was friendly and welcoming.
We spoke for awhile, then he gave me his contact information.

Of course I knew about SF Goth.com
He told me about the Box.
There was the link to the actual website.
There was the reference to Gobo.
I sent him and email and he responded.
He was so charming, and I was so troubled with the decline of Roderick’s’
that I decided that it was time for a change in venue.

So in November of 2000, I made my first trip to The Box.
There were two active ambassadors of the Santa Cruz Goth Community.
One was Gobo, the other was Rodent.
What fed my soul in San Francisco was the ambience created by the costuming and creativity displayed.
What fed my soul in Santa Cruz were the people.

To make the trip to Santa Cruz was a monumental undertaking.
To this day I do not know how I did it.
But I did.

You see I live in San Mateo.
The trip one way is an hour.
For a short and glorious time, I made the trip each Monday evening to the Box.
The thriving and lively community there was a welcome antidote to the decay in San Francisco.

Gobo asked me at one point top call him Sean.
“Sean” was the name he wanted used by the “keepers”
the people that he designated as steady parts of his life.

Sean taught me how to spin.
He gave me my club debut at the Box on Christmas Eve 2001.
I spun with Sean and Raven that night.

Sean and I shared a few gigs.
They were always wonderful.
We spun together at BayCon several times.
We shared the decks at the Faerie part hosted by James Penick.

As a DJ, Sean was probably the most decent, even handed and fair colleague I have ever had.
Sean became the paradigm for what I considered a good DJ colleague to be.
All he wanted was a measure of prime time for himself.
Then he insisted that everyone else get their fair share as well.
Gobo wanted to make sure that the sets were even, fair and FUN.
The only DJ that I have worked with that holds a candle to Gobo is Arianna.

Arianna, I will work beside you anytime.

Stuff happens, and I had to stop making my trips to Santa Cruz.

The curse of Santa Cruz hit me hard.
I had to stay away.

Yet true to the reputation of the curse,
Santa Cruz called me back.
There was Mick and Lori’s wedding.
That was good.
There was OddBall where I was a resident DJ.
That was bad,
really, really bad.


Even though I loved the Santa Cruz Gothic Community,
for my own peace of mind,
I stayed away from Santa Cruz.

Something happened the Saturday before Easter 2002.
I could not get out of Santa Cruz fast enough.
I stay away in defiance of the curse.




The last time Sean and I worked together was at an event at the DNA Lounge.
It was another sweet event orchestrated by James Penick.


For his birthday in 2006, I sent Sean an email with B-day wishes.
He responded with gratitude.

That was our last contact.




Sean never sent me an email with birthday wishes for me.
My birthday is just a few weeks after his.
But Sean did say to me directly, “out of sight, out of mind”.

I have trouble with double standards.



I never forgot Sean.
He was not a person to be so easily erased from my mind or my heart.

Someone sent me through Tribe an invitation to be a friend of “Save Gobo”.
I accepted that invitation as a gesture of support.
Part of me really hoped that Sean would make it through his cancer.
A deeper part of me knew differently.


Many things have happened since 2000 when I met Sean.
Those events and situations have opened up the doors to choices and decisions.
I am not the person that he met those years ago.


Some of you may remember me.
I am so different a person from what you knew then.


I would have liked to have spun beside him one more time.
At one BayCon, we worked side by side late into one night.
We were still at it on the Doubletree patio until past 3 am.
Everyone else was gone.
It was just the two of us, two pieces for Sean, two for me, back and forth.
We could have gone on all night.
I think Sean would have liked that.
The camaraderie was warm and sweet, fed by each other and the music.



Sean lived his life hard and fast,
like a candle with a wick that burns too high,
too hot,
and far too quickly.
Now he is gone.



I honestly never thought that I would survive him.
He once mentioned to me how much he enjoyed watching other people destroy themselves.

I wonder if he remembered to check what was in the mirror?

Being who I am,
and what I am,
every once in awhile,
I will look for him there,
In the mirror.