For many people, Asheville represents true freedom, a chance to escape the doldrums of a monotonous linear existence and a possible spud yanking shot at mountain Nirvana. However, three time survivor John C. Johnson (former writer/channeler for Mountain Xpress, New Life Journal and FreakinAsheville), presents another view of the 'holy city' that's less than palatable. If you are thinking about moving here, this guide is for you ...

Nestled within the quaint hills of Southern Appalachia and located in the political region of Western North Carolina, Asheville is in no way indicative of other Appalachian towns - in fact, it prides itself on the fact that it is an 'artsy sort of city'. At one time, she was simply a quaint and beautiful place to be, but in the summer of 1995, Jerry Garcia died, thus bringing to an end, the convenient device developed by the US Government, the Intelligence Agencies and Dow Chemical that allowed a sort of pseudo-Exodus clean up of roving bands of hippies and proto-hippies left over from the 60's. However, a new generation of Ashevillians was about to come home to roust. For nearly 30 years, the rest of us were spared from the tied-died tofu-eaters and soon to be yoga instructors who doubled as tarot readers on the side. However, all good things come to an end, and thanks to bad heroin, so did our peaceful sojourn as a city.

Like fleas on a dog, and sensing that their world was coming to an end, these Dead Heads descended into towns where the rent was cheap and the views were cool. Asheville was one of those places, so was Denver, San Diego, San Rafel, Ashland, Portland, Saratoga Springs, Jacksonville and last, but not least Sedona - land of the Reptilian Masters, UFOs and New Age overlords. As the funk of this new invasion took hold, the orginal residents of these beautiful mountains felt pushed to the edge. The Cherokee went so far as incorporating as a town, and for years, had a 'No Hippy' law - as to avoid becoming like ever other reservation in California. Thinking that the phrase "We Have No Apples" meant there was no food in Bryson City, those wishing to be Native American wanna-be's in tie-dyes all came to Asheville.

And remember, Asheville WAS OFFICIALLY CURSED by the Cherokee War Leader, Chief Dragging Canoe for a reason - just don't fall prey to it during your stay.

How to Use This Guide:

Wisdom from this survival guide can be applied to living safely in towns such as; Sedona, Arizona, Glastonbury, UK and San Fransisco, California. Also, be aware that the inhabitants of these cities are also known to frequent a place called Black Rock City, Arizona from time to time."Let's go to the Burn", btw, no matter how altruistic, does not in any way refer to the "Wicker Man."

Forward by the ghost of Will Cumberland* - with the assistance of Dannion Brinkley, author of 'Saved By the Light'

*WARNING: Channeled material - Readers of Sedona's 'New Age Journal' will be familiar with this technique for discussing topics with the dead. An ethereal Will Cumberland talks about his experiences in Asheville, his own permanent visit to the Crystal City, what the UFOs have to say about our town's future and where we are going ... plus his own discussions with the Masons about the Crystal under Vance Monument.

Table Of Contents

Preface: Where not to live while you are in Asheville: - Backyard Campers Included. Avoiding bad landlords, communes and other sundry places ...

Part 1. That's Not a Girl Dude: - Using the Scottish method for checking your first date while in town for the first time.

Part 2. Beware of Gurus, Ex-Cons and other Low-Lifes posing as Spiritual People: - Asheville's New Age community is one of the priciest in the nation. The Karma (and cash) you save, may be your own ...

Part 3. Free Love doesn't mean Free Ride: - What to do when he or she moves in ... and when they move out. A list of free clinics that get rid of warts, syphilis and a bunch of other stuff you didn't know you'd get.

Part 4. So You Want To Be a Musician?: - Avoid this pitfall at all cost and sell your guitar (or your soul), first.

Part 5. "Do you even know what a PLURR is?" - Questions to ask on a night out at Kukendal Falls, downtown on Lexington or while visiting BoBo's.

Part 6. Yoga Doesn't Cost $180 An Hour: - How to avoid the Pitfalls of a New Age.

Part 7. Beware of Redheaded Strangers: - Especially lawyers, organic farmers and near-do well 'music managers'.

Part 8. Altruism Is A Four Letter Word: - Before you invest in Asheville, either with your hard earned cash or emotions, know that there is a disease in this town worse than AIDs, shady developers and Crack.

Part 9. Know Your Drugs - A Pricing Guide: - In a town where nearly everyone is a drug dealer, it's best if you know your doses.

Part 10: Be Careful Who You Work For: - While Asheville has been called the Silcon Valley of the South, it sure doesn't pay like it.

Part 11: Don't Drink The Water!: - A Ladies Guide for not getting pregnant while in Asheville.

Part 12: Dammit, There Is Only One Radio Station Here, You Infidel!: - Avoiding the Media Socialism that pretends it's not Socialism, no matter how good the Bluegrass. A brief summary of the town's only newspaper and radio station (sort of).

Part 13: Couch Surfing for Idiots: - When in Rome ...

Part 14: Unexpected Guests: - What to do when you wake up and find other people on your couch (and in your fridge.)

Part 15: "Fuck Will Cumberland!" A Guide to The Accursed Spirits of Asheville: - In a place where the Truth is relative, the Devil may be your only best friend. How to summon of the Ghost of Thomas Wolfe during a mid-night crisis.

Part 16: Cheating Artists For Fun, Profit and Pleasure: - Hey, the rich around here do it, why shouldn't you? How to get your grass cut for free and your fence painted too.

Part 17: The Do's & Dont's of Attending a Full Moon Rave: - or, Dude, what's in this tea anyway?

Part 18: Get Out Of The City Susie: - Almost everyone in Asheville, stays in Asheville, why not get out and see the mountains? A Guide the Appalachians and other towns the Deadheads didn't infest. See Rock City ...

Part 19: Why The Cherokee Cursed It: - More about the crystal under Vance Monument, why your girlfriend just became a Subaru driving lesbian and an explanation of other things that go bump in the night around here ... (other than DJs)

Part 20: Where To Buy Cheap Organic Food & Drink For Free: - Unless you plan on selling your soul to Greenlife and Earthfare, this one's for you ...

Part 21: Leprechauns, Pirates, Writers, Poets, Punks and Other Jaded Mythical Creatures that May Assist You: - You have allies, know who they are and where to find them.

Part 22: 311 What? WTF Color Was That House Again???!*!: - From the Blue House to the Pink House, famous haunts in Asheville to be aware of (and to possibly avoid.)

Part 23: How To Get Out Of Asheville Alive (And With Five Bucks in Your Pocket): - Had enough of Ashevegas? Would you like to at least earn a living before you die? Here's how to get the hell out of Dodge with change to spare.

Conclusion: Revenge of A Writer Scourned: A dish best served cold is almost hot off the presses. Yes, this is a book that will be in print soon, and yes, if you pissed me off, you are probably in it somewhere.

Index of Sources