12/12/07

Today I did the unthinkable, I sought prayer, faith and peace in my heart and being humble. I have found something I lost, and loved myself, others and being kind. And not bitter and selfish. I have myself sort of even though it was never lost, just lost in vokkia.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The reality of my life and path sets clear. I am going to become a recluse start over, leave mostly all. Things I have to be grateful for. I have made my choice, and path to enlightenment and zen. I know where I want to go in life.

I am tired of the lack of awareness, shame and guilt I feel for my actions and inactions I have only 28 days until the path of enlightenment is there, the way is close, the day is closer. I have a choice and path to make, I have the clarity to jump ship, and die for who I am or die trying.

Today and the month of December and January leaves the fact I am going to do all, and get out of my pity and depression. Last night at Hollywood I saw a guy talking to a plant on the patio, another talking to a t-shirt at the super center. I am afraid deathly afraid of becoming those folks. But I will if I remain here the fear, and path to enlightenment has spoken to me

I also ha Ive learned myself and what I need to do for me, my path and I must follow or die for who and what I am. Life doesn't mean much to some folks. I must leave here the pain of going back to myself.

I am in a southern style redneck type bar and patio establishment and hurt, hurt bad for who I am and who I have become I have a pain in my heart I often think of Killing victor, henry, Enrique, carl, john. I want to kill john between his eyes for verbally abusing me every day. Victor, enqueue, carl and henry abused me physically, emotionally and verbally. I want to leave, kill them or myself I do not want to leave or relive the pain that started in December of 2005, and in the end I though drinking and half ass doing things got hurt and disabled at work in September of 2006 I want to get revenger but have found forgiveness.

I saw much though booze, drinking, bar hoping and self-destructiveness actions. I am going to leave my family, possessions, truck and other things wondering. I must leave for enlightenment I am going off the grid and out of style.

I want to take care of those who wronged me in the wrong, way I forgive others, myself but cant let go of the pain, the reality is the lack of awareness for my cause, denial of honest help, and depression and hurting has led me to dieing and enlightenment and suffering termination of others, myself is not a option my first holiday out proud and hurting and sober since 2005 hurts bad.

I started drinking in Houston, quit drinking, discovered myself, whats wrong and got better and got worse here. My priority's in life are clear. I am afraid of life but do not fear death. Today I am going to seek help and enlightenment but in reality it may not come. I may leave start over and go away and off line the shadows a drifting spirit of life, enlightenment and help.

I have peace within myself today, gratitude toward not being as fucked up and bottomed out as I could be and be grateful to be inside, and have a place to sleep.

12/10/07

I WILL share something with my loyal blog readers today, grattiude. Imange my shoes for a momenet. Imnage that everything you lied to yourself, others and who you are. Is who others wanted you to be, iminage god or some higher power or godess or spirt of sorts, is sending me a message. Everything I thought I knew is crap.

Heres the deal, I had two signs of the old me, one even with a personal family and resenement, hostiality, overjudgemental, and sterotypes are my evil and fate. I have 3 signs today of that being broken, one with one person whom I admire sharing something, two with another person, threee in thrpety and four with my family and a coffee mug and truth and honesty which I will share more on four and hint to the others but repesct folks anonmity and honesty.

I shall share something ground breaking in the one of the three or four meeting I regularly attend at lamba center. Keep posted given its late, and HALT (hungry, angry, tired loney). I fixed my hair a bit nicer today. And took care of other affairs.

Shoot off a quick email and off to bed I go.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The growth of myself, life and maturity. And self discovery. The turth is I discovered more about myself, family. And had some great grattuide and life.

I often wonder by the grace of god, or something what keeps me from going viglantie againt 5 people who wronged, me at work, home and I have this bitterness in my heart, the only thoing stoping me from being judge jury and excoucationer of victor, henry, carl,, john, and enrquie with a firearm is the fact of forgiveness and higher power.

God knows I spent much time, in my avenge and anger and going on a rampage of biblical proprotions but I am retired, I am tired of doing other peoples dirty work, the bottle and want to right that resentment but I know My time is comeing soon, and judgement day is not far off.

Slept, rested somewhat and rechared more and more, wnet to a meeting at somewhat ok. And took care of a few affairs last night.

Someone and folks in my family I am hard on I am harsh and a mean, bitch to as other, past trangressions and resentments, get over it and move on and do what I must nothing drastic, but do what I need to do, life is good and I have a fuck of a lot to be greatful for and I am selfish to myself and others, I need more repsect. Blah for myself, others and the world about me and the path to enlightment

12/10/07

I WILL share something with my loyal blog readers today, grattiude. Imange my shoes for a momenet. Imnage that everything you lied to yourself, others and who you are. Is who others wanted you to be, iminage god or some higher power or godess or spirt of sorts, is sending me a message. Everything I thought I knew is crap.

Heres the deal, I had two signs of the old me, one even with a personal family and resenement, hostiality, overjudgemental, and sterotypes are my evil and fate. I have 3 signs today of that being broken, one with one person whom I admire sharing something, two with another person, threee in thrpety and four with my family and a coffee mug and truth and honesty which I will share more on four and hint to the others but repesct folks anonmity and honesty.

I shall share something ground breaking in the one of the three or four meeting I regularly attend at lamba center. Keep posted given its late, and HALT (hungry, angry, tired loney). I fixed my hair a bit nicer today. And took care of other affairs.

Shoot off a quick email and off to bed I go.

Someone and folks in my family I am hard on I am harsh and a mean, bitch to as other, past trangressions and resentments, get over it and move on and do what I must nothing drastic, but do what I need to do, life is good and I have a fuck of a lot to be greatful for and I am selfish to myself and others, I need more repsect. Blah for myself, others and the world about me and the path to enlightment

12/10/07

Talked to mealine today, had a productive day. I love myself and feel very good and confiantr about myself today. And dont want the action and adventure today. Have some tasks to finish later this week. And had success.

Im toughing it out, and accepting the concequences of my actions, the pain hurts, talked so someone else. The hollidays suck, went grocery shopping for a craveing this weekend. Ate a whole bag of the korger sour cream and onion potato chips, and green onion kroger brand dip than ran and a ¼ of diet coke that ran it off, to deak with the pain and watch my weight.

Also have a plan for later tonight for a applacation for doing some airline work, I miss traveling on the open road, with adventure and such. A short or regional haul thorugh semi-rual houston texas outside the gird lock might be fun or mildly amuseing

Went to the post office, some documents showed up others did not. My policy and documents also arrived. I know my website was used against me in a civil ligation and other matters as my blog. Blah.

I also grow tired of someone not getting the message of my bounderies and respecting me my needs, wants and desires one day at a time. Austin might be where I start over before doing my excursion to my birthplace of Oakland, CA and the Bay Area.

I miss my folks but Im not going home this season, is for pondering medation, fitness and thought and self-reflection and growth.