discussion post on Sun, May 19, 2013 - 4:31 PM
My Bioabout me
I am a middle aged woman, happily married with kids, and professionally successful. My LO is a colleague, also married, with whom I have face-to-face contact a few times per year. I hardly know him. When I fell limerent for him in 2010 I disclosed to him and to my husband, and began psychotherapy.
I began psychotherapy because not only was I limerent for a stranger but in connection with him I was seeing things, hearing voices, and having other unusual sensory experiences. I feared I might have a hormone-secreting tumor or was falling mentally ill and going insane. Nope. It turns out I am very healthy and sane, only I am dealing with normal (!) consequences of severe trauma and neglect in my early childhood. I am a multiple. I have dissociated identities aka multiple personalities aka alters. For some reason LO activates several of my alters, and their activation has stirred up a lot of unresolved trauma, resulting in the signs and symptoms and thus diagnosis of both post traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder. With expert psychotherapy now in mid 2012 the PTSD is gone and soon I may also lose the diagnosis of DID. LO's immediate response to my disclosure was to monologue about adultery and/or divorce, and declare he was not interested. (Actually I think he was interested but I am not available for a covert affair or a divorce, so it makes no difference.) We soon went No Contact and for the most part have maintained NC. My husband's response, apart from an initial period of numb shock, has been steadfast support. I told him I was in love with LO but loved him (my husband) and had no intention of leaving. Almost the first thing he said is feelings are involuntary and what matters is what we do about them. Yes! In a way the diagnosis of DID a few months later was a relief. It explained so much, not just my obsession with LO, but many other unusual experiences I had reported to him over the years.
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My Recent Activity
Re: impossible Limerence tale
(in Limerence Experienced)
This LO sounds very seductive. That's a common pattern we see here, for what it's worth.
Re: Thing I discovered about Limerence
(in Limerence Experienced)
Lisa, that's you reckoning, applied to your situation. Not necessarily anyone else's.
Personally I have not found talking to other people takes the pressure off. For me, talking may tend to increase the pressure. I feel a lot cleaner, and mo... read more discussion post on Thu, May 16, 2013 - 1:29 PM
Re: Thing I discovered about Limerence
(in Limerence Experienced)
What if not telling her (withholding from her) is acting on them? What if talking about her to anyone else is acting on them? What if continuing to breath is acting on them?
discussion post on Thu, May 16, 2013 - 9:52 AM
Re: Putting forward that sweet and overwhelming desire to be "close"...
(in Limerence Experienced)
>> Your hand? Now that is just weird! That's what boobs are for. <<
Exactly!!! discussion post on Wed, May 15, 2013 - 4:47 PM
Re: Putting forward that sweet and overwhelming desire to be "close"...
(in Limerence Experienced)
I think Charlie would get his message across better if he spoke for himself, not for all men.
I personally have dated (briefly) a few men who seemed to want to merge with me, gaze into my eyes, hold my hand ALL THE TIME. It was as if they thou... read more discussion post on Wed, May 15, 2013 - 2:44 PM
Re: Putting forward that sweet and overwhelming desire to be "close"...
(in Limerence Experienced)
See this essay by Dr. David Schnarch on Psychology Today: "People who can't control themselves control the people around them" www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i...ople... read more discussion post on Wed, May 15, 2013 - 10:42 AM
Re: Putting forward that sweet and overwhelming desire to be "close"...
(in Limerence Experienced)
I like that my husband is not the sort to buy me stuff that turns him on. Instead he does things for me like repair my truck. What would he like from me? A gift of some object he has been wanting, a day free to watch sports on TV, followed by a...
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discussion post on Wed, May 15, 2013 - 6:42 AM
Re: Limerence and Limbo...endless angst
(in Limerence Experienced)
Hunter, you say you and your wife are doing marriage counseling, but I don't find any mention of your having disclosed your affair to your wife. If you did say and I missed it, I apologize. Please clarify.
discussion post on Wed, May 15, 2013 - 6:29 AM
Re: Trying to see with clear eyes
(in Limerence Experienced)
Brain chemistry does get wonky, but that does not mean the etiology is organic in all cases. In my case it was psychological, yet not having to do with my marriage; my problem was individual. When I first came here everyone did tell me to look ...
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discussion post on Fri, May 10, 2013 - 2:41 PM
Re: update
(in Limerence Experienced)
Colette, I feel for you, experiencing your LO as emotionally unavailable. But are you sure that is the case? That you are not projecting? I do not use text messaging for anything beyond scheduling a meeting or phone call, or transmitting a shop...
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discussion post on Wed, May 8, 2013 - 8:48 AM
Re: After Disclosure to LO, LO "left"... now LO is starting to come back... how to make this work.... need advice
(in Limerence Experienced)
One advantage of risking the really big disclosure is that now you can pretty much share whatever you are feeling. Nothing you could say at this point would be a bigger risk than that. KWIM? So just tell your LO that when she withdrew (did she ...
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discussion post on Sun, May 5, 2013 - 6:24 PM
Re: Excruciatingly long first post
(in Limerence Experienced)
Limbo, I am old enough to be your mother and so is my LO. We both were and still are long married to others, and intend to stay that way. I have no great guilt or conflict over my feelings for him. They are real feelings but they are just feeli...
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discussion post on Sun, May 5, 2013 - 12:24 PM
Re: After Disclosure to LO, LO "left"... now LO is starting to come back... how to make this work.... need advice
(in Limerence Experienced)
>> Well had i consulted tribes earlier i would have seen that this is a sure fire way to permanently disconnect the LO from your life...
that was about a month and a half ago... << I had to laugh, reading this punchline. Your "permanent dis... read more discussion post on Sun, May 5, 2013 - 12:10 PM
Re: Excruciatingly long first post
(in Limerence Experienced)
I disclosed. I told LO: I was feeling in love with him, I hardly knew him, it was not me, something was terribly wrong with me, I needed help. A message guaranteed to send the LO running for cover, right? Well, oddly it didn't. Not at first. ...
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discussion post on Sat, May 4, 2013 - 3:17 PM
Re: Limerence in LO? Can of worms!
(in Limerence Experienced)
Both do need to do the work. That means if you choose not to do the work, it does not matter what the other person chooses. So do the work. Whatever the other person chooses to do, the result for you will be a more satisfying life, with or with...
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discussion post on Sat, May 4, 2013 - 3:10 PM
Re: Limerence in LO? Can of worms!
(in Limerence Experienced)
>> So it seems that if she is indeed one of us, more the reason to flee. <<
Either flee, or do the hard work needed to grow so far that you are able to have a durable real relationship with her, without the drama. discussion post on Fri, May 3, 2013 - 2:29 PM
Re: Limerence in LO? Can of worms!
(in Limerence Experienced)
The natural result of mutual extreme infatuation is drama. Way too much drama. And it never lasts, and then you are left with ... a mere mortal, one you might not even like all that much.
discussion post on Fri, May 3, 2013 - 6:53 AM
Re: Deleting LO from social media...but I'll need to explain to her....
(in Limerence Experienced)
You can choose not to explain. I blocked my LO on FB. Months later I was present when a mutual acquaintance mentioned some of my FB activity to LO. LO shot me a look. I kept a blank face and said nothing.
discussion post on Thu, May 2, 2013 - 7:50 AM
Re: How to get ex LO to leave me alone
(in Limerence Experienced)
Carol, can you recruit someone at work to be your accountability buddy? Run everything by them before you respond. Also make yourself a No Contact plan. Also, talk to human resources about appropriate behavior and setting limits. You may feel ...
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discussion post on Mon, April 29, 2013 - 9:04 AM
Re: Excruciatingly long first post
(in Limerence Experienced)
>> could I just drift out of her life without disclosing? <<
Sure. That's easy. What is hard is staying connected without doing anything you are likely to regret later. discussion post on Sun, April 28, 2013 - 4:10 PM
Re: Another possible case of limerence with tragic consequences
(in Limerence Experienced)
The news story says not only did the mother have a crush on an online tutor (Open University is online plus post/mail), but she informed her husband that she was leaving the family. Then she asked him to take the children out for a few hours whil...
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discussion post on Fri, April 26, 2013 - 7:11 AM
Re: Someone help me please....
(in Limerence Experienced)
Hi Zoey. We all feel your pain. You can block his number on your phone, and get an e-mail client with better filters to block him there too. And when he does get through you can still ignore him. I know it is hard, but you can do it!
Readin... read more discussion post on Sun, April 21, 2013 - 10:45 AM
Re: 4 stages of life
(in Limerence Experienced)
I said to a friend who is 70+ that I am working hard at learning how to be a grownup. He laughed and said so is he.
discussion post on Fri, April 19, 2013 - 8:22 AM
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