tonight i entered a "gross foods" eating contest. if you'd known me as a child you'd be picking your jaw off the floor right now. i was THE picky eater of the universe. i think there were about ten foods i'd actually put in my mouth. that lasted until my mid to late twenties. and now, at 33, i still refuse to so much as touch mayonnaise and pickles, and i wouldn't even touch a hamburger to my lips if i hadn't eaten in three weeks.

but tonight, money was at stake... as was one of those once in a lifetime moments. how many times does a chance like this come across your plate? yes, i know that was a pun.

$230 was the pot. winner takes all.

what i wasn't aware of was the fact that i would have to eat some of these foods faster than the slowest person. i happen to be the slowest eater in the galaxy. knowing i was screwed, i figured i'd go for it anyway. after all, the best piece of advice ever given to me was the following, "more old people regret the things they didn't do, not the things they did do". i try to live my life accordingly.

round one began with a Century Egg. essentially, this is a rotten gelatinous egg that is months old and preserved in a bunch of nasty shit. i can't believe Asian people eat this by choice. the black outside of it wasn't too bad, it tasted pretty much like a hard boiled egg (something i normally choose not to eat, though). the yolk, however, has turned into this black liquid-like rotten substance. it was rough keeping this down, and i most certainly gagged. i came in second to last for time eaten.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Century_egg

i don't remember the order of what was served in the remaining rounds, but the list includes the following... blood sausage, pig ear, durian, and pig tongue (i think i'm forgetting something). twice i accepted penalties in order to stay in the game due to being last and to spitting something in the garbage. my penalties were five cooked snails and two live superworms (these were very long grub worms w/ creepy crawly legs).

the blood sausage wasn't too bad, but was not something i would ever want to eat again. i gagged on this, but then again, i gagged on everything i ate. the texture was odd, as was the psychological factor of eating blood. i had to remind myself that it is a great source of iron, and it does happen to be that time of month. i took a penalty on this one for being last.

the pig ear was rather tasteless, but it was HUGE! there was no way in hell i was gonna finish that thing, so after a few bites i threw it in the garbage. it would have taken me two days to eat. i took a penalty for this.

the durian smelled wretched, but didn't taste as horrible as it smelled. in fact, i kinda like the taste of it now that i'm burping it up. but i did gag. i'm not sure if i gagged from the smell, the taste, the speed eating factor, or the fact that i decided it would be a good idea to eat this w/o hands. this meant i was bent over the table eating straight off the plate. i don't think my stomach liked that much after the previous trauma it had endured. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durian

the pig tongue was tough, but tasted like pork. it could have used some BBQ sauce, but we weren't allowed seasonings or condiments. after several bites of this one i knew i'd be in last place b/c of how tough it was. it was taking me forever to chew it, so i threw it in the garbage. then one of the other guys wound up being super slow, so i decided to pull my tongue out of the trash and wipe it off and continue eating it. to my rescue was Peilee, our gracious host, handed me another portion of tongue that had not been contaminated by the garbage. i finished before the other competitor.

we were down to four contestants at this point, and the next round was balut. if you don't know what this is, get ready to be grossed out. it is a fertilized duck egg w/ a grown embryo inside. it is boiled and eaten... bill, bone, feathers, and all. the rule for this round was that the two slowest eaters were out. i knew exactly where i stood, and the thought of eating a fetus was just too much if i wasn't guaranteed the win. i didn't even try it. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balut

the last round was down to two... Porter vs Crystal. the "edible" substance- sea cucumber. the winner was to be determined by speed. both competitors were fast eaters, but Porter took that sucker down in three bites. Crystal took too big of a first bite and couldn't get it down fast enough. when she bit into it, the insides fell out and hung down her chin like and enormous string of snot. Porter said it was the only food that made him gag. it was the texture he claimed.

i can't say that i will ever put any of those foods in my mouth again, and i'm rather surprised i didn't puke. in fact it all seems to be settling in my stomach just fine, though i'm not sure what it will smell like coming out of me tomorrow. i didn't win the money, but the experience was priceless. my bravery shone above all who spectated and were too chicken to enter. i am proud of myself. i overcame my food phobia for an hour in order to eat the grossest foods of my life.