My Blog

onion inspired satire on catering formalities ; - )

elleno — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 09:53:02 GMT

hello friends . . .here's something funny i wrote tonite, inspired by working at a large catering event. with a mix of frustration, amusement, but not at all surprise, i can b pretty sure that the catering industry places far more importance on the place settings being just so than on human relations. then again, such are the priorities of most humans . . . credit where credit is due, this is definately inspired by the onion. sometimes dumb, sometimes brilliantly hysterical, this is a great time (10/14/07) to look at their page - www.theonion.com - funny article about "reaganomics finally trickles down to area man." ; - ) e ================ upscale wedding ruined by inconsistent place settings. (ok this doesnt have a real beginning yet. was written as just a few sentences and grew from the middle. anyway, lets proceed.) "cousin debra's napkin was placed more decoratively in her glass than mine was! and her set of knives was parallel to the angle of the chair, like they're supposed to be!" pouted area woman janet russel, 42, who harbors deep hatred for her more attractive and intelligent second cousin, debra johnson, 28. the grandfather of the bride complained to the hotel manager that he recieved water in a wine glass, and wine in a water glass. "it ruined the entire event for me! instead of concentrating on lauren and michaels' first dance, i was processing confusion as to why i, who incidentally forked over most of the funds for this $10,000 party, was being denigrated to the point of having to drink wine from a water glass!" the evening continued with guests trying to make the best of a difficult situation, until events took a turn for the even worse. at 9:34 pm, mrs. hallie maude greenberg, 86, an aunt of the maid of honor, lifted her coffee cup and discovered a breadplate instead of a saucer underneath. the mistake was traced to jonathan kelder, 25, who apparently had been thinking more about the pain in his shoulder than the types of plates he was putting out. while calculating if his $8.50 per hour post tax salary (with no tips because he is only a temporary worker) would pay for the bodywork needed for his shoulder, he reached for plates from the third shelf of the rack, knowing full well that the saucers reside on the second shelf. for mrs. greenberg, however, the plate instead of saucer mishap was the last straw. "there - is - no - circle- in - the - mi - dle - of - this - plate--! " , greenberg exclaimed, her voice growing harsher but weaker with every word. ms. greenberg was still shaken from recieving an incorectly sized spoon for her soup, and this pushed her over the edge. her heart stopped beating, and she collapsed in her strawberry mouse pie. which was, incorrectly, in a plate meant only for cheesecake. the spilton hotel and resort chain, which faces a $2 million dollar lawsuit, says, via spokesperson, that they are considering switching all of their food service functions to buffet style.

"the beginning is near"

elleno — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 01:50:54 GMT

i saw a sticker today that said "the beginning is near". yep . . .

i know this land, these mountains, for you cradled my transformation . . .

elleno — Mon, 21 May 2007 09:52:50 GMT

inspired by the land of boulder, co, which was my home for half a year 7 years ago . . . a beautiful outdoor wedding was the catalyst for my being reunited with this sacred land, and with two of my dearest friends from college. i wrote this sitting at the base of the flatiron mountains, amidst rocks and pine trees and amazing wildflowers - ================================== i know this land, these mountains, for you cradled my transformation . . . this earth, so alive, so *undeniably alive* that you reminded me of, well, everything i needed to know to build who i am, and who i am becoming. while not the first nature i have humbled myself before, you were more than a moment's bliss. this land, these mountains, looked down on me daily, and asked me what am i doing to protect this earth . . . what am i doing to honor the dance of events from seeds to feces and back again to seeds . . . what is my relationship to the land . . . and while i didn't fully understand this background interaction between the spirit of nature and my subconscious, i had my most profound turning point moment here, where after accupressure, after lsd, i could finally feel, way beyond merely see, that dance of events from seeds to feces . . . *the land is us*, i real-eyesed, its's not "hippie", it's b i o l o g y !! - that simple complex truth now infuses so much of who i am and who i am becoming . . . and coming back here, returning to the friends who helped shape me, the land which nestled us in its foothills, i remember, i remember the awe with which i greeted the sunsets and sunrises, i remember the comfort of having wild nature as my neighbor, i remember this as such a vital piece of me, who now knows that watching the moonset over the mountains is not enough . . . i now understand that the other end of basking in the beauty of a flowing creek entails asking where that water has come from, where it goes, what chemicals does it or will it hold, who put them there, networking with others who care, daring to speak the uncomfortable, and finding the solutions, and sustainable substitutions, for whatever is being sold whose dark side is poisoning the water, which is life . . . water air soil = life thank you, boulder, for boldly, kindly, teaching me this truth.

Even the Creator stopped to pee. . . the weight of the waiting ones . . .

elleno — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 09:30:11 GMT

Ever played those games where two or more humans create writing together? Like where one starts a thread and the other continues . . . ? Well, my dear friend Claire and I gave birth to this - ------------------------------------------------------------ "Red, what a weight that color must have on its shoulders! I mean, symbolizing everything from blood to love to communism to high alert . . . the color red has a busy life! But one place we'd never expect to associate with the color red is comfort, the kind of comfort that emerged from chaos and catastrophe, yet somehow lead to wisdom and compassion for all things that suffered and will suffer. Red, the ever glowing light or fire that reminds one to relax and breathe because the hard part is over. Even the creator stopped to pee, to release what has been built up which needs to go . . . things get too heavy when carried around for so long . . . energy yearns to explode or else implode . . . things get too heavy when carried for so long, when carried alone. Even the camel has two humps to balance the load, rather than tipping over with the weight of two on the weight of the waiting one . . . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . . . The weight of the waiting one . . . and we all are waiting for something, aren't we . . . for someone, for some feeling, for some extra layer of relief or joy or comfort . . . from morning coffee to our ache to be profoundly loved and understood and accepted and pleasured at the same time . . . the weight of the waiting one . . . a world of waiting ones . . . a time at a tipping point . . . A tipping point is my life right now . . . time of transition so painful yet promising its as thick as grey goo . . .