Well, I was posting on an internet site that I have been frequenting (that's why I haven't been here) for Ken, a "friend" of mine, (although I realize I am using the term loosely because I am not certain who my friends are at this point,) but that's how it is on the net.

Well, there is this troll, there, who likes to cause a lot of shit, she made fun of someone's late wife killing themselves, that is such a low and ROTTEN thing to do! So, I defend Justin (that's the guys name) risking my own ass (being suspended from the forums for awhile) Anyways, Ken posts and tells everyone to ignore the troll - and he gets suspended from the forums. It's just ridiculous.

He asks me to post on his behalf and I do, and this asshole comes into the thread, toby and he is supposed to be Ken's friend but he bashes Ken. Thing is, on that site, you can block people from posting on any thread you make as well as from sending you notes or seeing your profile. So, that is what I do. He gets pissed off because I block him and he has his cronies send me tons of hate mail to my inbox and harass me on other threads and then he starts his own thread trashing me publicly but not naming me because that would get him suspended. I reply defending myself and I am pissed off at this point, which is perfectly understandable and I get bashed even more for defending myself. WTF!?


I don't understand, it's okay for him to rally others to harass me, send me nasty notes, post asinine comments on any threads that I post on but if I react - I don't have the right to be angry and to react in anger because then I am the bad guy?

What the FUCK happened to common sense?

This sort of bullshit is the story of my life. STORY OF MY LIFE!

With my ex's family and friends - they could do and say whatever they wanted and if I reacted and stood up for myself I was in the wrong because I need to watch my p's and q's!? Where does it say that if someone fucks with you, you're not supposed to take the gloves off?! No, if someone messes with you, they should bloody well expect a reaction of that magnitude - to say otherwise is PURE B.S.

Get real.

Before that, at home, getting beaten up on a regular basis by my piece of shit, so called brother - who was blamed?? Me. Even when he tried to kill mom, he was never blamed and any thought of retaliation was met with, "SHUT UP, IT'S YOUR FAULT."

Well, I am fucking tired of that CRAP! It's not my fault and why shouldn't I defend myself? I think it's stupid people expect me to follow a set of hypocritical,invisible rules they pulled out of their asses and expect me and me alone to follow them, but not everyone else, nope just me.

FUCK ALL OF YOU BASTARDS WHO EVER MESSED WITH ME. I HOPE YOU ROT.

That's what I get for sticking up for Jason, for trying to help Ken and ultimately reacting in my own defense. Oh and by the WAY - the way I choose to defend myself is MY choice, if you don't like it, go to HELL.

So that has been my adventures on this other site, a really friendly place.... *sigh*

Wherever I go, there I am.

I just keep looking for an escape - someway to forget and try to avoid the pain and regrets life brings. These days that's mostly with drugs and alcohol, but fuck it, I feel as though there is nothing much else to live for and I feel guilty about feeling that way. I am slowly but surely, I believe, becoming an addict, yet this truth does not burden me as it should. Perhaps because it has not reached the level of complete control yet. I can still go back, so why don't I? I don't know the answer to that. Only that I like the way I feel when I can escape the pain and the delusion of my mind. I just can't understand why I was so strong when I was younger and when I had to be, that now I cannot fathom how can I be so weak and where is that strength, that peace, that guiding light? It eludes me now when I need it the most. I just want to curl up into a little ball and never face the ugly, brutal world again. Mostly I don't want to face myself. I am so tired of the battle, I want to rest and recuperate but the pain still lingers... I am such a failure...

I don't know what else to say.

It seems that I have just been evicted.

I woke up this morning to a pounding on he door and didn't answer it at first, thinking it was my ex-b/f. I know I said I thought he and I could at least remain on friendly terms, but that didn't work out for reasons I won't go into so I have been practicing strict no communication for some time now. How lucky for him then, that he is the only one I can call to help me. I don't have any friends or family here, at the time and no vehicle of my own for transporation. I have no idea what I am to do and I hate the fact that I broke NC and went back to talking to him, I just don't know what to do now. Should I sell the furniture? What about finding a new place to live? Should I just up and go and see my friend Tracy in Reno? There is nothing keeping me here. I know my folks would love me to visit in Houston. Any of these things are possible, I think I am still just a little shaken up right now, I asked her why she was evicting me and she just gave me this look like I was filth.

Great. Always nice to know I have another fan!

Anyways, I am also really upset because this means communicating with my ex and therefore it opens up more chances for him to treat me like shit. I also before this told him I would prefer no contact and here I am calling HIM.

Great. I wish I wasn't so fucking unprepared for... just being on my own and at least having the ability to go solo and not rely on someone else to help me.

After all, I am the one who has been evicted here.

Yikes. I'm kind of freaking out.

I can safely say that I am over my ex now. I am overjoyed, grateful, thankful and finally at peace, a deep comfort and contentment in my soul, a quite place has begun inside me, away from the hustle and bustle of the world, like a strong but still voice that only I can hear and it's in my heart and in my mind, guiding me, calming me, giving me peace.

I feel no resentment towards Bryan, I feel no loss, no pain, no hurt, no guilt, no hatred - nothing. I feel nothing towards Bryan. I don't love him and I don't hate him. I just don't want him in my life. At all.

I feel warm again, there is no loneliness now, I am single and I am very happy for it! I feel liberated as though a window has been opened in a very dark tunnel that I have been walking through and now I can see the sunlight - it captures me and brings me back to the world and everything exciting and beautiful in it.

I feel as though I am now finally tearing off the shackles of an unhappy and disasterous relationship and flying away through a window to a greater world and a better me. I feel now as though it is time to heal myself from all the pain that I have endured and discover a very empowering truth that I don't need to make anyone else happy but me. I can't tell you how freeing and EXCITING it is that I can be me, just the way I am, and that's OKAY. I don't have to think anymore about what my ex would do or say, or think. I am finally FREE of him! And I am not sad about it. I feel intoxicated with rejuvenation and the world holds the promise of many adventures out there just waiting for me, once again.

The world and I have turned from bleak to not only seeing the silver lining but finally embracing it. I know I am going to be just fine and nothing and no one can take that away from me because I refuse to depend on someone else for my happiness. I will not allow myself ever again to be controlled as I was with my ex, I allowed him to control my happiness but now that I am free from him, he no longer has any control over me and I am happy, I am thrilled and I am growing up for once in my life. It's time to take charge and I have so many wonderful things in my life to look forward to.

And Bryan isn't one of them and I am all the happier for it!

You know who you are.