yes, i've cut my finger. i don't exactly know the medical terms but i can say that i have cut the second segment of my middle finger, across, 1-1.5 cm long and nearly 3-4 mm's deep. i'm not sure if i had reached the bone, i didn't feel it

i didn't cry, i know i would if this was 10 years ago, but i can say that i was really panicked for the first 3-4 minutes. i was alone at home, my brother whom i am living with was 400 km's away for a vacation, i had two aunts nearer than him but i couldn't call and get them panicked too, i should have managed it myself. at least it was not that big of a thing

i needed something to stop the blood, there was only some little band aids to call a "first aid kit" and they were not enough. so i wrapped it up with an old t-shirt. i had to go down to an hospital or something like that.. any way the doctor stitched it 4 or 5 times, i don't know exactly because they anesthesized my finger with a shot.

i had woken up early this morning (the day of the event), i had got things to do, my brother was arriving in 2 days, i had to tidy up the house, cook some meals etc. after i had nearly finished it all, i was going to put the garbage out. there was a can in the garbage and i had to tie up the plastic bag which stays in the garbage box. anyway, it was a little bit dark, and i couldn't see the can. the nylon bag was a little bit juicy and slippery, so i had to grab the two sides of it firmly and pull them toward eachother fast and tie up the bag. i pulled it real fast and then it happened. i had cut my finger neat and clean with the open can.

actually i was thinking when i was cooking, "I should be very careful when i have sharp things in my hand.." and this should be the voice saying: "uh oh, you're not that careful"

besides, i am an architectural student, so every thing that i do is with my hands, fingers. other than that, i can only play guitar which needs healthy fingers too. i mean i should be really careful with them

it's really weird, i mean i think every morning we should do something to build our conscious back because most of us are not aware of it. like a year ago my grandmother had some medical problems and she had to go to hospital and the rest of the family too. we were there, seeing other patients, their relatives, friends or whatever.. there were some, whose situation was worse, more critical than ours and some better. anyway i mean there're hospitals full of people everyday, people who had little cuts or car accidents or because of some illness etc. the number of people there is nearly constant, so i think it's like a lottery. you could be there too. it's a big city, everything could happen, you should be careful when walking acrross the streets, even when walking on the pavements, 'cause you could be hit a damn fucking truck whose brakes broke down. anything could happen

when i told a friend of mine of how i felt when i was in hospital for my grandmother, seeing other sick people, some of them dying, and even my grandmother hardly breathing and speaking, he told me that everyone should go to an hospital once a month and see those.. to understand how lucky they are..

none of the parts my body are cut off or disabled
i don't have a damn fatal illness
none of the people in my family are dead or have a fatal illness
i don't have a headache or i don't feel sick
i don't have a boring life, i have got work to do, people to see, places to go..
i should be happy and be conscious and know that i am lucky

i am listening to the soundtrack of the tv series "six feet under". and when i finish this i'm gonna continue watching the rest of the series. i could write and write about these series, but to make it short, i didn't see anything on tv up to now, which builds up the damn conscioussness, shake you off and make you see everything around better.

quiting things, avoiding responsibility, leaving things undone became a damn habit of mine.. i've wasted too much time already..

feel like the character rob gordon in the film "high fidelity" these days. bad academic situation.. the only thing which could be considered ok -or average- is music, bohemian life, doing literally nothing for 15 days altough there's a truck load of work to do, being up all night and going to sleep at noon, eating less, spending most of the time in front of computer

there was a quota from the film "memento": "we all lie to ourselves to be happy, and there's nothing wrong with that, we all do it."

so this is the lie i tell myself today: i think i am just like the "rob gordon" guy. there can't be any other logical explanation of 15 days of laziness..

recently something happened which made me sit and think..

we played a soccer game with my friends a week ago. and there was this camera of mine. my friend who was not in the game recorded the entire match and at the same time he was talking about the game, commenting about players etc. with the substitute player who was not in the game either..

after the game i came home and copied the file that contained the scenes of whole match to my hard drive. at first i didn't watch the entire game, i just fast forwarded and watched the important scenes..

but yesterday i noticed that, at one point, when the ball was at my feet, i was supposed to pass the other player but i played with the ball for a while, did some tricks, didn't pass it, moved a little, and then passed to the player whom i was supposed to pass at first. so i delayed the passing event, so the monkey business i did was for nothing, i should have passed at the first time..

and the substitute player -which is a friend of mine too- standing near the camera (i think he forgot the cam was recording sound too) commented like that: "you see him? he always does the things from the hard way. everything he does is like that. he always gets in from the back door.." and things like that..

and lets come to the point. first of all i know that it was a mistake that i've done at the soccer match. and besides i had deeper investigations of myself than his in which i discovered myself doing the things from silly ways.. so i didn't need his help about this..

but this event made me feel a little bit sad.. beside the fact that he didn't tell these things straight at my face and of course he should have if he was a real friend; on the other hand it's a very rude way of mentioning something about me which seems to be a problem..

anyway, needed to write this down, i am a little bit releived now.