Tomorrow night, Monday, July 10th, my 29th birthday, Treat St. Bar, the corner of 24th and treat in the deep mission. There will be a pinata. I will be breaking my alcohol sabbatical. There will be stupidity. All are welcome. All women are required to wear Catholic schoolgirl uniforms or cheerleader out fits with big red "cents" signs on them. All men must be dressed as kangaroo's, cheerleader outfits optional. Louisa will be jumping out of a whole-wheat sugar-free cake and performing an inte... read more

I'm a heavy drinker.
I'm a heavy sleeper.
I'm a heavy dreamer.

I don't like mornings, I don't like children, I don't like jackhammers, I don't like bulldozers, and I don't like Mexicans. Well, at least not today. Not all Mexicans mind you, just the six outside slamming the scoop of the bulldozer into the concrete hard enough to make my @?!@ing house quiver like a thirteen year old girl rapt with her first climax.
At nine o'clock in the Goddamn morning.
And to think I was toasting t... read more

Firsts are a beautiful thing.

Filled with trepidation (and sometimes trephination) and wonder, they draw you in with that hint of mystery, the unknown, and a touch of danger. Your first kiss. Your first love. Your first car, condom, or high-colonic. Last night was the first time I ever intentionally walked an audience member at a comedy club. It was also the first time I ever had someone try to storm the stage and kick my ass. It was glorious.

I was hosting the showcase last night... read more

Bugs Bunny is Satan.

I have this theory. It may sound a bit odd, but follow me on this one. I have a theory that Warner Bros. cartoons are not cartoons at all. They are a direct window into hell. Visions for our amusement, but also to serve as a warning. Each and every character in those shows is either inflincting incredible amounts of physical and psychological torture, or is on the recieving end, for all of eternity. Even if that character dies, he's back the next week to face the... read more

If you've never taken a nice stroll throught the Tenderloin at 3am (actually, 3pm is just as good), get off of your ass. It's like a people zoo. It's better than Sea World, and it's free. Not just on the second Tuesday of the month, but EVERY @?!@ING DAY. Go. Now.

I was cruising the 'Loin the other day, just taunting the crackheads with broken pieces of soap and safety glass from shattered windshields, and I realized that those Partnership for a Drug-Free America commercials could be ... read more

When I was a little boy, I caught I locust. At least now I'm pretty sure that that's what it was. At the the time I thought it was the biggest goddamn grasshopper I've ever seen. It was 5 inches long, and this pale sickly light green that made your stomach turn and your vision wobble. I kept it in a Country-Crock margarine tub, and I told all of my friends about the radioactive mutant grasshopper that flew into my yard. No one believed me, but I remained steadfast. I got all of my friend... read more

A month ago a blind woman attacked me with her cane. It was incredible.

I'm doing a street show the other night, and the crowd was good, but a little dead, tiny tiny laughter. As I was building a crowd I saw my saviors, a group of four 30-something black women, who had obviously left the husbands at home. That particular demographic, in my opinion, equals great audience members. Man, no one can enjoy themself like mature black ladies out for a night on the town. Anyway, back to the story..... read more

Have you ever accidentally dropped your cell phone in the toilet?

And pissed on it?

It's really a snowball of stupidity. One minute you're marvelling at how far we've come as a race, emptying your bladder, pinching the phone with your shoulder, riding high on your free PCS to PCS minutes, all at the same time, the next your entire world shatters around your feet. The phone squirts from between your shoulder and your ear, right in the middle of an extremely profound statement about the n... read more