hi all
havent written on here at any length in quite some time
havent written anywhere for that matter in a while

its beggining to seem to me that part of my journey this time around is to spend alot of time surfing the line between life and death
in the last few years things have changed in a way that has opened me more and more every day

although confused i found my self to be perverseley excited to have a tumor in my head
what a trip
its mostly gone now altho ill never rebuild the matrix that it once occupied
it seems that creating a magnetic alignment that is tuned to pull radioactive elements out of your biochemistry and concentrate them into the tumor is just the trick
it dont matter how you think it or arrive at that conclusion
it could be a movie of little penguins armed with hatchets gnawing away at the tumor
whatever you need to do just beleive it

i have rebuilt my self time and again
like the temple that is built again and again on the same foundations
the mantra of human experience sings in my being and carries me forth in melodic fashion

ive gone from nearly dead filthy and homeless to living my dream in a few short months
im living in a nice house with an awesome veiw of the san juans
i have my paperwork to have a legal medical garden
i have a good job with a man i love as a friend and a boss
i have clean clothes and good food and dank coffee and an electric guitar to play and freinds and .....................
life is good
now is beautiful and majical and malleable
if you beleive

serj said it well"science has failed to recogniize the single most potent element of human exsitance to be FAITH"

so yeah dirty homeless living on a diet of junk food and soda smokin a bag of rollys a day and puffin my brains out while living as hard as i can is how i cured cancer
if i was a scientist id tell you all about the magnetic signature of subatomic particles and the tube taurus and all the light refraction that goes on
but im not
im really just a farmer thats been pushed to plant seeds pull weeds and reap harvest in fields id never have imagined

i want to thank everyone that has sent me well wishes and so much more
there has been times recently when it was the love of strangers that has sustained me
im getting stronger every day
and im moving in a direction that is allowing me to give back
its good to be alive
to sing and dance and see the sun shine
aho
D

yup still here
cancer is a thing in my past
boo yah
dam im good
shaved my head
i kinda like the smooth trip
didnt think i would
in the process of lining my ducks back up
counting what eggs ive put in the basket and regaining the impetus that has carried me along for so long
in a way being sick for so long has been very good for me

shook the tree alittle so the loose nuts could fall
i had a good many freinds that turned out to be strangers when the chips were down
and a good many aquaintances that turned out to be good freinds
even a few complete strangers that ended up being angles

so im back
bruised beaten up sore a little fuzzy on some details
but back in the saddle for sure

lets ride yo
D

its easy
isolate radio active elements from your own body and use them to stop the tumor
whatever you want to call that or whatever dogma you need to do it it dont matter
just do it
D

WE NEED TO UNPLUG FROM ANY ENERGY SOURCE THAT IS TOXIC AND MURDEROUS
NOW
WE NEED TO NOT DRIVE COMBUSTION ENGINES
NOW
WE
WE THE PEOPLE
WE WHO BLAME THE GOVERNMENT
WE WHO BLAME THE CORPORATIONS
WE WHO TURN ON THE LIGHT SWITCH KNOWING THAT THE ENERGIES PRODUCTION KILLS
ANIMALS PLANTS HUMANS EVERYTHING
KILLS IT
SAME WITH CARS
SAME WITH WITH ALOT OF THINGS THAT WE KNOW KILL

DONT ASK WHAT ELSE ARE WE TO DO
NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO NEXT DOES NOT EXCUSE TAKING MURDEROUS ACTION NOW

CHOOSING THE LESSER OF EVILS IS STILL CHOOSING EVIL
AS LONG AS WE KNOW OUR LIFE STYLE IS POISONOUS TO THOSE AROUND US AND GENERATIONS TO COME AND WE CONTINUE TO CHOOSE THAT LIFESTYLE WE ARE EVIL
BY CHOICE
WE KNOW BETTER

PLEASE STOP
NOW
D

this is along shot but i guesse worth atry

im trying to get the money together to fly home for my mothers funeral
i know times are hard
my family would really like me to be there
i could use all the help i can get

so if anyone out there is looking for a random act of kindness to perform
we could sure use the help
thank you all for your love and prayers
D

met a nice lady
her names Guthrie
shes a musician
level headed
warm
fun
has an incredible smile

anyways were ridin out the wet weather together
its nice to be loved
and to love
hold and be held
ya know
been to long

D

been breezin thru here alot not sayin much
thought id let yall know im still kickin
not as high but still kikin
spendin buttloads of time alone
walking stokin the fire in the bus
watchin leaves blow across the pond
or listnen to the rain drum on the bus(yup still north of seattle)
plyin mandolin now and a latin thingy called a quatro
tons of fun
tired alot stayin stoned
the world seems to me to be holding its collective breath
not me
been ready for whats comin since way b4 i was human
cosmic times to be a human for sure
missin my freinds both cyber and otherwise
cant interact very well most of the time tho


have fun yall
lovin ya
D

once when i was surfing
i got blown off my board and dropped in the bottom of a 10 footer that took me bouncing along a sand bar that had becom e my freind and teacher as far as surfing gos
i always really relax when im in a wace
the first couple totally adjust my back
but this time it was really sunny and i noticed a tiny whirl of sand on the bottom that was barely lifting off the bottom but was a perfect shadow of the wave it self
it came clear that i was very like that bit of sand
whirling chaotic bits of concentrated light inexorably mimicing the great primal fractal of the wave

now here in the great north west with its majestic hills and serene watersi grow tired again
settling for a moment to take stock

alot has happened very quickly for me
but it always has in my life

my experiment to try to unenlighten my self so that i could be the bhodisatva type and teach people was a huge failure and a massive drain on my life force
the void is a cold place with infinite room

light is warm and malleable

where i live there are mountains to the east and west
good echos
they call it 7 echo farm
some days my world is wrapped in a gauze of pain and exhaustion
most of the time my intellectual self is on break
im still lonley
but im pretty used to that
my music gets looser and wilder
sometimes softer
some times a feel a melody blown through who i am by some timeless beam of light gathered together in the infinely intricate snowflaces of sound that carress me into a state of knowing
of just knowing
live or die or quit or try or fall or fly
earth wind fire water sky
the old ways the new ways
all of it is known to be one thing
one oppurtunity
one chance to be in the now
to be over the candle stick like jack and dancing in the light

heaven hell
it happens now
only ever now

you choose
choose fear:you will fear
choose love:bliss belongs to you

D

livin inna bus
my closest freind is wilbur
hes a top notch mule

life gets fuzzier all the time
two llamas also live near the bus
but they are antisocial beings

spending alot of time watching flowers open and close
staying calm

the sea smells good here
clean
much love and grandest of melodies
D

florida mexico michigan florida so cal north coast........................................canada????????
oh well go figure
hangin with some permies up north
maybe get some healin done for a minute
sleeping strictly out doors and as far from any source of alternating current as possible
what along strange trip its been
D

as my body falls slowly like the redwoods in low gravity
my mind fails to recall that fractal of light i once called my self

my love grows infinte
my light shines everywhen
my being dances with melody

as i watch my gnarled scarred sun cracked hands manipulate the keys they dont seem to belong to me
some strange artifact from ancient times before man thought his will into being and had no use for such mechanical frivolities

in the grace of a new freind ive found respit
in a nice house in a nice place full of nice people doing nice things
not much call for my brand of love here
but a bouy to cling on for a moment
to take my bearings
before i swim back into the cosmos

for a minute i thought my light was fading
only to find to my despair it has only grown more complex and more subtle as i let go this human agreement

dancing the dance of the bard
always of the melody
always the crystal notes of being singing in my heart
creation and destruction the same
dissonance and resonance flow into aum
flow into light
yin is yang and above all the same

i wonder at the trees that see me singing
and what the grass might want to hear

the wind that has blown at the dust of my being lifts me high

i have always existed
now


NOW
no other thing exist

NOW

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ONLY EXIST NOW

NOW
THE WINDS THAT BLOW THE MOUNTAINS TO SAND COME FROM MY LUNGS
THE HEAT OF A MILLION STARS
IS MY LOVE FOR YOU

NOW
ITS INFINITE
NOW
ITS LIGHT
NOW
ITS GOD
NOW


ITS







ALLLL







YOU




EVER





GET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now

garberville pot wars
river clean up got a little messy when me and the volunteer crew complained about the number of fertilized pearlite root balls we were finding on the river(mucho bad ju ju for the river)
duly appointed officials promptly put an end to cleanup crews
sherrifs rousted or arrested all the campers

i split south for a few days to santa rosa
headed for the sound up in washington
peace and love
D

no puter for a while
sherrif is movin us on in the mornin
not sure whats next
bound to be interesting
i need a shower
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
D

been living in the manilla dunes for a while
up and down in deep sand
5 miles to town
fog rain wind sun silence
just the soft sound of the surf in the near distance
the hiss of the wind on the sand
not eating or drinking much as far as that goes
tired
sleep is like work
being awake is a dream
alone
not lonley
thick with freinds
no one to help
this hole in my brain has stopped me from healing the rest of me
no one understands
they think im suicidal
or depressed
im not any of those things
just tired
id rather suffer alone than share this agony of slow moving madness

or try to explain one more time that i dont want a hospital or to go on the welfare system
i just want to die like a warrior
if i cant enjoy the fruits of my fight and cant retire with honors
i will at least not be a burden to my tribe
and will go t meet my grandfathers with a song and not a tear

i miss my fam
my kids
my life
my strength
i am but a shell of what i once was

i dont know why to share all of this
maybe im hoping for some kind of salvation

more lijkley i just dont want to go with out stating the fact that i gave my life for a cause i feel is rightous
the war on drugs was not my idea
but it shaped my life

i had very little choice
but i did what i did
without expectations

i am happy to have this little squat under the bushes in the dunes to call my home
but still my heart aches for all the brothers and sisters who still have many years of persecution ahead of them
those in prison
or living in fear
my heart aches for my self and the others of my generation whose sacrifices will not be recognized untill history sorts it self out if then

i miss wanting to be alive
i miss cherishing the day
i miss .......................................living
D

still kikin
hidin in the dunes near the beach
got a nice little squat
ittl work for now
D

seems i cant even die proper
im down to a small back pack and the cloths on my back
not sure what to do
im less confused now that im staying out of town
but i have no way to provide for my self
6 days in the woods with no food water and it just made me really tired

walked 300 miles across nevada
it was fairly boring
i guesse ill just sit down and wait for what ever to happen
thank you again for all the love ive received from freinds and strangers alike
peace
D

bikes broke
so am i
sleepin deep in the redwoods
lost my flute to the tweekers
life has become a series of tones
im trying desperatley for some form of harmony that i might turn to melodie
something to dance to
thank you for love and support that i feel
its cosmic weather these day
bring your soul brella
D

so far
ty to my freinds
the trailer for m ybike makes it a world easier to stat out of town
lights,cars,elec,makes me sick
and scared
and depressed
gotta go
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooove
D

ive had enuff

too much
i cant take any more
im tired
bone tired
tommorow i ride into the woods
jah will provide
i cant ask for any more help from the people i love

im sad
id hoped to atleast taste a minute of glory before i went
D

for most of my life i fought in the drug war
im old and tired
now i live in a place where it is finally legal

but im broke and homeless
figures
feeling a little like the nam vets that got spit on

D

dude trucked around with a bunch of other hippies talkin good talk and sharin
awesome cat
never said anything bad bout any one

happy bday king o the hippies

did anyone besides me notice that the natives in the painting of the first thanksgiving were all dressed in full battle gear??????????????

well its HIS story

hey all
im working my way through a 3 gr roach joint made mostly of hash joint roaches

powerfull stuff

thought id share a little of my buzz with the cyber world

its not the greatest smelling or tasting joint according to humbolt pot snob rules its totally yucky

ive been puffin away at it for 10 min at least and its still only slightly smaller

i can see the hash bubbeling through these new see through veggie cellulose papers i bought

not good papers by the way

90% as far as novelty
2% as far as smokable

my mouth and lips are numb

as the cramps and pulls of last nights sleeep ebb from my body with every hit i blow out i feel centered for the first time today

the cofee in my stomach gurgling makes me think im water bong

puff puff gurgle gurgle

i think back on how i made this joint
weeks and weeks it takes to get enough hash roaches for a phatty

i mostly smoke hash in pipes so the roaches are a prize

23 of em
out of my M&M mini tube that keeps em just like new

thats 23 joints that were all shared with people id never met b4

at least 40 new freinds went into this joint making thing

from hand to hand
each person trading thier tale for mine

each little peice of life adding to my experience

the young couple i met who were riding bikes from bc to baja
they had never had hash so we tried it 4 different ways

in a bowl,under glass,vaporized,and a fat hash joint
pasta over a fire on a cliff over the ocean with two good freinds whos names escape me

the group of young hippies from the midwest just hitting humbolt in their veggie bus
smokin top and mexi press commercial schwagg

2 grams of hash and 3 greatful dead albumns later i walked out into the sunshine leaving 5 hash zombies behind in a pile of sleeping bliss

the old lady at the campground with fybromyalgia who only smokes at night and only with me

she propositioned me while i smoked a hash joint with her
she said 60 ws like havin 3 20 yr olds

fun lady
full of light
apologized later
said herb made her horny as a goat

the old hippy from indiana who hadnt smoke hash since his trip to spain in the 60s

just seeing the childish bliss that spread through him while we puffed that fatty put me in a rare state of silence
his old blue eyes danced and watered and he coughed himself into fits

i laid a chunk on him
we parted with a knowing smile
knowing we had known eachother since before time

truly a cosmic drug this cannabis

this joints about half way down
i must of got a big chunk of hash that i didnt break up kuzz its blowin up like a volcano right now

in redwood pk
i ran into some kids that fed me veggie burgers
i rolled the biggest hash joint ive rolled ever

the roach must have weighed 2 gms
i played flute and watched as 10 or more kidz went from anticipation of there next turn at the joint
to relaxaxion
to whoooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooo
to thats enough for me im gonnaaaa ...........................mmjduhdu sumthin frisbee mumble sumthin

till there were 2
me and another jedi
we talke dof places wed been
hash wed smoked
strains we liked
coffee and drummers

cant recall jedis name either

lot of love went into makin this joint happen
from trimmin to ice water to pressin t smokin rollin puffin da hizzzza

issss beeeeeen fun
the volcano has calmed down and the end is all goooed shut

im gonna go mumble bfhduila pokey hf mumble sumpthin
peace

ashes in a bucket
bits of glass
slow grinding reality
pain rises and falls in an untimable tide
wanting to be mixed with dreams of returning

blood flows in me
pushing my veins to thesurface
a bottel of wine spilled across my hand
a peice of song floating past

twigs and sticks tied to gether with string
moldy scarecrow in a fallow feild
dignity the only thing not gone

the earth that is me will take me back
the blood that boils in me
will cool and return
the sacred strands that my people have weaved for eons
will fly free back to the primordial soup
the wind blows at me like a pile of dust
smaller and smaller i become as my experience grows more

i feel the atoms humming in me
i taste the light that flows in me
i hear the beat of creation
i am blessed in the light
aho

this be ing see ing free ing thing
this futile attempt to define the undefinable
this quest to understand what cannot be forgotte
the imp er man ance of now
the refraction action of grand attraction
the eternal banalaty of humble insanity or sanity or vanity
this thought of separation
holding a mirror in front of what is not there and calling it real
light is infinite and undefined
conciousness exist as the dance of the spheres
only frequencies that are sustainable exist
only the perfection of the sphere is adequate to contain inertia
only with inertia
the breaking free of our selves the rendering of our god selves into bits can experience and conciousness exist
our ppurpose is to experience
to evolve
to shareto be something other than infinite
as we reach out ward to know and grasp more our being is also aligned to reach inward in exponential manner
as strong as we desire to know god we are god and are looking inward on ourselves
so as i sit in this holy sacred place and know my self to be
just to be
now
here
with full presence
to experience and evolve and transcende any and all states of beingto be the dance and the tune and the sphere and the light and the dust and the morning dew
to know the fate of the galaxies that form my atoms
to understand and to let go of all knowing
to be light
is my blessing
my song
my gift from to it me we is
my infinite jubilant aum of bliss
to fill my human self with the light
to call the children of the light to love
to know bliss is light is perfection is truth is god
what a day
D

hey all

im back
not that i went anywhere
much

the proverbial shit hit the fan in awhole bunch of ways
ive been really struggling for a few years with my health
not that im losing the strugggle
its just taking up a huge amount of my attention

recently a wave of irrational behavior spread through my life

people i knew and loved treating me like a stranger

family turning their backs on me

if not for the kindness of strangers i would surley have suffered greatly due to what seems to me to be a wave of pure nuttyness

im a long way from healthy today although i am safe
wich is something i havent been in a while

i thought that i was
i was sure that i shared an intentional desire to evolve with a certain group of people who have since steered to another heading wich i find obscure

an attempt was made on my life by a group of people i once lived with as family

airing of lies mixed with part truths through public and private means as an attempt to demean and humiliate me

the public broad cast of unfounded accusations through my e mail list to both family and buissness contacts alike

the attempts to have me arrested on a bullshit 1000 bond for possesion of some joints

the harrassment of my freinds by police and others

i came and went alot from 5th ave while in town
i felt the vibe
it was scetchy at best

no unity
no family
no shared intentions

i was in the middle of a very serious challenge
i wanted and asked for the love and support of my freinds

they gave it
and ive struggled to get back on my feet to repay the kindness they have shown me

im still teetering but im on my feet
im not sure after everything thart happened how to repay the support i was given by so many who i cant even speak to now because i am in suspicion of taking someones money

i cant give money beause i dont do money any more

if i see you i will find a way
to repay the debt

till then
peace and love

been a while since ive been in contact with any one out there

a whole lot of stuff happened real fast
so ive been up on a mountain sorting it all out

firstly the stroke and resulting backlash from it were only the tip of an iceburgh

seems while they were taking pics of my grey matter they found a tumor
doc says its the size of a grape

ive seen it on the film
id like to know where he buys his grapes

soyeah ive discovered that having a hole in your brain makes you second guesse your self a lot
im not real sure of alot of things but heres a few i am 100% sure of

1 i am not a liar or a theif or subversive or controlling or clandestine or any of the things the people on 5th ave said i am
i was actually going through my things to see if i took the money and just didnt know it

if i took it id like to know where i hid it cuz im broke as fuck

2 since 1999 ive felt an (untill now)inexplicable sense of confusion
now that i know where it is coming from i can account for it and things have become much clearer

3 i have and always have had a love of exitement and challange

while unchecked by a clear intellect i have allowed that love to pull me into situations and freindships i would normally avoid as being detrimental

and finally

i am a child of light shining in perfection and my love is boundess

i love you all

peace
douglas

so heres the deal
turns out the test thay run on my head(mri ekg abcdefg all that stuff)
shows that i have a tumor on my frontal lobe
bout the size of a grape they said
why the fuck dont they just say 12 mm or whatever
now i have weird thoughts about eating grapes
assholes

any way im not the type to spend time in hospitals
im sure as hell not letting any one cut open my head for any reason

im not sure what i feel about it if any thing at all
at first i thought i was just shocked and numb
but the truth is i dont really care

if and when it affects my life i will cope
till then i really dont have the time or energy to put into it

nothing i can do but be aware of it any way

been a trippy year already

love yas
douglas

stoned blank mind
smoked more than any man should at once

the last few weeks had been a trial to say the least
10 days in jail for possesion of a joint

paying back bills when i got out
barely any weed in my life

the relationship with kristin had deteriorated and exploded andspewed slime all over the neighbor hood
i couldnt sleep in the house i was paying for because i could feel her vibrations from accross the rd

so a camp site a mile off in the woods
me the squirrels and the owl that used the elm tree near my site as his diner

today i had money to buy a sack o buds the size of my forearm
so i sit here on my fourth joint thinking ill be stoned to sleep soon

the sun slides down from the canopy in shafts of magical dancing spheres
the occasional breeze that reaches the forest floor carries a wet smell of soft bark and green grassy smells from the meadow

way in the distance i hear kurt and charlotte playing in the yard
the tractor running at the turtles place a mile off

laying on the ground i can feel the earth move as the breeze swings the trees in lazy circles
my heart is so free here
five joints and all i can do is trake it in

the beggining of the trail of tears
lightning ridge
a place of special magnetic signature
my little shangri la
hippy hollow is what the locals call the valley below my campsite

as the smell of hunysuckle blows up on the evening breeze
i wonder at the capacity of this simple plant to show me so many things about my self and what i experience

i feel right now like i did then
the memory burned forever in my heart and mind

a simple non moment
nothing special
exept
my awareness of the intensity of the incredible magnificence of the infinite miracles unfolding in front of me

i love weed

the first three notes of a song you forgot

that flower that wasnt bloomed last time you looked open in orgasmic bliss

the single drop of water slowley rolling down a leaf only to pause for an endless moment before leaping off to oblivion

that wave thats bigger than all the rest and soaks your rolled up pants

hearing the flutter of a swallows wings on a stiflingly still afternoon

the first watermelon of the year

waking up to see your lover smiling in her sleep as the sun rises wrapping her in gold

looking into the eyes of your child and knowing the truth

the joyus warmth of the woodstove with frozen hands caressing the precious calories

the first tiny green leaf to push its way up through the soil

a loving face in a sea of confusion

that thing the drummer does that makes me go yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

a cool breeze kissing you softly while you bask on the sand

the majesty of a tree

the purity of a child

the laughter of a brook deep in the green woods

the sound of my childs first laugh

the feel of my mothers hand on my feverish head

these are my blessings

not my possesions
or accomplishments and failures
not what i think or want or get or need or change
but what is given

the true blessings in life are the simple things
the odd moments of bliss that stand in me like pillars holding up the facade of who i want to be

like the breath twirling its way through my flute
like the moment of awe just before the wave crashes

i flow and bend and fly and rend
notes rung before time was
melodies dreamed in the void
manifest in my waking hours


songs of joy and bliss and pain and desire and songs of nothing but the purity of the note
not a note
the note
as my intensity grows and fades and the crescendos pass and the melodie is again reborn in new form i am lost
am i the song
am i the musician
am i the dancer
is the melodie born of me or torn from the primal fabric of god

like the vibration of the string plucked i waver in my place
letting fly my sacred sounds

and as the place between the waves fills with glorious potential
i am new
i am born and reborn with every measure
my being is known and expressed as it is now
through the refration of light into a lotus of sound
i become not the song or the singer but the dancer

thejoyus witness to this infinite melody
blessed be the dancer

hello cyberworld

im sitting alone with a bowl of kind and some reggae bumpin on a muggy fl afternoon
letting my mind drift back over the last months
bringing the recent events into perspective with the remainder of my history

its become obvious to me in the last few weeks that some of the things i lost during the stroke are not going to come back

among those things is the ability to heal my self
when i pull a muscle it stays pulled for weeks instead of days
considering i pull at least one muscle a day im in trouble

the math dont work out

im losing muscle mass quickly and they are getting tighter and stiffer every day
ive tried extra meditations and new frequencies and am still trying new things every day
but the battle is very much one sided

im losing ground fast
i am no longer capable of providing for my self

to those who have known me for a long time you know how hard it is for me to face that
not that i wont
but ive been in the chair once and i wont go back easily

with that said
a large part of me is releived
im tired

tired of being healthy and strong when i feel so weak and full of pain

tired of pretending it dont hurt when it does
tired of suffering because i dont want to inconveinence some one by making them aware of my pain

the stroke has in some ways brought an incredible calm to me

ignorance is bliss i suppose
im not sure what it was that i lost
but i think it was what drove meto struggle all this time
when all i really wanted was for my pain to not hurt any one else

im very proud of the things i have done the lessons ive learned and the sharing i have taken part in
i am strong and full of light and love

i am also crippeled
nothing that i do is with out its cost in damage and pain
my body is so tight i often pull muscles coughing or even shitting
my joints grind together in a never ending tale of destroyed cartalidge,muscle and nerves

since my early 20s i have triumphed over the pain to accomplish many of my dreams while failing at a great many things
i have healed my body from dawn to dusk and through every night since i learned how
i have supassed the symptoms of arthritis,bursitis,fibro myalgia,carpal,thoratic outlet syndrome,and a plethora of injurie related conditions
ive torn tendons off their moorings and worked one handed
ive broken bones in my feet from kickin a shovel
and framed a house the next week

ive been diagnosed terminal three times
at the age of 38 ive been declared clinically dead 3 times


im tired
i just want to put what little energy i have left into loving a good woman and watching my children grow

i dont know why im saying this other than to speak it some where
ive only admitted these things to my self as im writing

never a dull moment huh
douglas

my mind floats like dandelion fluff on alazy summer day
the years have worn deep grooves in my soul

the endless whine of tires on pavement is my lullaby
what is mine is returned by giving it away
what i know is only a fleeting glimpse at who i am

i am sustained
like a note that rings true long after the band stops and the crowd goes home
the love and compassion of the dancers carrying me into the light

the white line at the side of the rd that stretches from here to my begginings
still pulls me further and further

once a cripple now i stand
once a warrior now i sing
once a hateful man
now walking in light
once an intellectual
now a savant

as my will to maintain this form ebbs
i feel no remorse
no regret
only a profound wonderment at the true capacity of a human

i came here to be human
to know what it was
now i know

there are no answers






cuz there are no questions

the universe my freinds is perfect
so relax and enjoy

for a couple years ive been patiently waiting for the dynamic to exist for me to manifest an end to my financial and other issues

ive carefully asked my self everyday to manifest an end to the fustrations i have faced in my career and romantic life

today it dawned on me that i have manifested what i wanted to

since the stroke it has been part and parcel to the healing proccess that i remain in a state of bliss

the end result is that i no longer seem to give a shit

not that i dont intend to continue working towards paying off debts
just that it no longer stresses me out when i fail

an example
im building a fence
i underbid the job by half at least because its a freind
im paying a driver and tony to help

every day the job goes on eats the profits
one thing after another has gone awry

flat tires missed connections forgotten tools
stick in my eye crow bar to the forehead leaving me with a nice head ring for 3 days

then lowes fails to deliver my materials
so i spend the rest of my profits to rent a freind with a truck to carry the fence panels and stuff
and they cant find the fence at lowes

so now home owner is tense
helper is tired
driver is late to other appointments
still havent eaten all day

dougs cool as a cucumber

everyone will get over it
or not
the fence will go up
or not
ill make 20 bucks for 3 full days work
or not

my intellect says this is stressfull

the rest of me says whatever
things have away of continuing to happen
stressing about change is ridiculous

im gonna go yell at the lowes guy cuz its fun
i have a knack for cussing some one out while making them laugh their heads off

peace all

infinite rays of light
spread in infinite delight

dancing through the nothing without a care
spinning whirling
falling twirling
singing ancient songs
in snowflake harmony
fractal symphony
ever blessed synchronicity

the first thought
the first breath
the sacred aum

the idea that i should define my self and compare me to it as if there is a line of demarcation

the rending of god in two

the dance of the spheres
as above so below
compile compact retain refract

sacred sine
holy rhyme
vibrating deep in my spine
pulling life in me

today i rememberd when i was a small bird
i got caught in a hurricane
i could feel the wind tearing at me
debris hitting me
my feathers being torn from my flesh

the absolute panic
struggling to breathe
feeling my life force flow away
struggling with all my might i began to notice the destruction happenning all around me
trees torn from the ground
brother deer smashed bbeneath the limbs
rivers flowing with salt water while the fish fled in panic
familys torn land marks gone
the tree of my birth a pile of branches

in my shock and horror i had forgotten my mortal struggle
i simply few where the storm took me
for hours watching the death and destruction below
feeling the loss till all was washed clean of me but an utter sadness

not untill i felt my self dropping did i notice i was free of the storm
the blessing of my own life spared
brought to a state of highest reverence by the witnessing of the sacred cycle

the greif i felt being the act of true love that spared me
that i may sing a song on a sunny day of the beauty of birth

the place halfway between the bottom of the boat and the bottom of the river


also the man who said
"a weed is a plant whos virtues have not yet been discovered"

i freinds am a weed

patiently growing between the rows
not minding the hoe or the hand
always there next year ready for my virtues to be discovered

6 in a circle ring around one
circle all the centers your almost done
finish the flower same as before
clarity lies behind the next door
conncet all the centers give it a spin
see the world of light u r in

for over 2 yrs i have been in love with an incredible woman

however for whatever reason i am not worthy of her attentions
im not the type of person that lets go easily
weve never been intimate with eachother
or even kissed
yet thoughts of her consume all desires in me

im tired of wanting what i cant have
so ill stop wanting
its easy for me now
since the stroke i have felt as though my life has taken a whole new direction

i can only have one thing on my mind at a time
so as long as i keep anything on my mind but her im fine

2 yrs is enough time to give any one
more than enough
i am a rare kind of man
no ego there
just saying what i see

im looking for a rare kind of woman
one who is not afraid to show her true feelings at all times
one who wants to share her world with me
one who wants to know me
if shes out there good
if not
oh well
i wont settle for less

im sad
but its mine
doug

what a strange time
here i am back in fl
i love sooooooooooooooooo many people here
alexis enthralls me and is more breathtaking than ever
the light in her eyes has grown more complex and shines brighter than ever

ive taken to drinking akchahol again
tonite it was a bottle of wine shared with freinds followed by a bottle of mezcal to my self


i see the uni verse in a way that allows me total fereedom
i am very drunk right now yet every thing i think and feel transcendes my biochemistry

the light in her eyes fills my spirit with strength and motiion
i cane to florida mostly to see her again
and as much as i wish things would move forward and as much as i want to feel her body next to mine
and as dissapointed as i might be that we are still "good freinds"
being near her fills me with joy
looking into her eyes fills me with purpose

seeing her dance with her hoop
seeing her groove to my tunes
gives me a feeling i havent felt since the first time i ever fell in love

so in my drunkeness i see thatr these two women are on the same page

there are alexis the woman who holds my attention and virgina whos touch fills me with light

the spinning circle of passionate strength and the princess whos night i wish to be

why cant i be simple





my spirit is tired and dreams of long naps
tequilla is truth serum


dance for me
and illl play till the morn comes
sing for me and ill love with all my might

know me and i will conquer hell to hand you youre dreams

this be ing see ing free ing thing
this futile attempt to define the undefinable
this quest to understand what cannot be forgotten

the imp er man ance of now
the refraction action of grand attraction
the eternal banalaty of humble insanity or sanity or vanity
this thought of separation
holding a mirror in front of what is not there and calling it real

light is infinite and undefined
conciousness exist as the dance of the spheres
only frequencies that are sustainable exist
only the perfection of the sphere is adequate to contain inertia
only with inertia
the breaking free of our selves the rendering of our god selves into bits can experience and conciousness exist

our ppurpose is to experience
to evolve
to share
to be something other than infinite
as we reach out ward to know and grasp more our being is also aligned to reach inward in exponential manner
as strong as we desire to know god we are god and are looking inward on ourselves

so as i sit in this holy sacred place and know my self to be
just to be
now
here
with full presence
to experience and evolve and transcende any and all states of being
to be the dance and the tune and the sphere and the light and the dust and the morning dew
to know the fate of the galaxies that form my atoms
to understand and to let go of all knowing
to be light
is my blessing
my song
my gift from to it me we is
my infinite jubilant aum of bliss
to fill my human self with the light
to call the children of the light to love
to know bliss is light is perfection is truth is god

what a day
d

ashes in a bucket
bits of glass
slow grinding reality
pain rises and falls in an untimable tide
wanting to be mixed with dreams of returning

blood flows in me
pushing my veins to thesurface
a bottel of wine spilled across my hand
a peice of song floating past

twigs and sticks tied to gether with string
moldy scarecrow in a fallow feild
dignity the only thing not gone

the earth that is me will take me back
the blood that boils in me
will cool and return
the sacred strands that my people have weaved for eons
will fly free back to the primordial soup

the wind blows at me like a pile of dust
smaller and smaller i become as my experience grows more

i feel the atoms humming in me
i taste the light that flows in me
i hear the beat of creation
i am blessed in the light
aho

change is nothing new to me

its the only constant

shadows of yesterdays life draw color and substance into my now

like a bell ringing in the depths of the ocean for thelost souls that once sailed the murky tossing seas of my knowing
i feel this deep primal hum of blissful harmonious being
the peices of me that remain as they were before the stroke have gained coheision and inertia
the peices of me that have been altered are fast aligning them selves with the sacred flower of infinite sustainable light

i want to rest
lay in the sun with a beatiful girl and listen to the waves
i want my mind to be free of alll that is not blissfull

to play the notes of sacred songs that were blown into the being by the creation of the uni verse
to dance with the mother in a state of unkown jubilation of all that is

i came to this body as a being of light
by choice with will and intention
my experience has been human
yet my purpose and reason for being transcendes this knowing of our self

to experience the purity of infinity is not a rare gift but our natural state of being
to live in a world of light is neither a spiritual gift or a scientific accomplishment but our true self
our unlimited un filtered blinder free reality is one of magical light combining at our will

a rose perfect in its self replication
the lotus in its infinite geometric progression
the bee building its hive
none of things question there being
this is not a shortcoming on their part but a state of enlightenment that we so activley pursue

you me it now infinity the uni verse is light
unenlightenenment is an imaginary state of being
god is light we are god now is all we have
be light and you will know god

douglas

the sun boils its way into the ocean once again

i feel lost
not that im lost in the world but like ive been lost
by those i was born too

like ive been set free on this incredible journey to rediscover my self

not me the person
or me the concept
but me
the infinite presence of light carrying inertia througgh now with perfectly sustainable waves of bliss

as i sit here and listen to my mind chatter about the never ending string of data it takes in and assimilates
things float through like wisp of mist on a cool summer morning
through thefrustrations and struggles and the attatchments that threaten to rend me
i am kissed by the knowing of the universe as one infinite being of bliss

as i lament the loss of my carreer and the lonliness that comes with loving someone who dont share those feelings
i am warmed by the infinite golden light that transcendes all knowing

and as the noises and toxins and pollution of every kind imaginable invades my sphere of being
i am freed by the knowing that these things are not sustainable in their nature and i am

its been a long journey that led me to where i am
since b4 we chose these human forms i have traveled the cosmic pathways
i have comuned with the stars and heard the angels sing

i embrace more and more the light that shines with purity unmatched
i am old

ive forgotten why i came here or if there was a reason
i really have no reason to stay

exept this nagging feeling that there is work for me to do here

so as i glory in the bliss of a journey well travelled
and the sun melts again
i radiate one thing to the infinite
bliss
bliss is light combining according to golden mean ratio to create perfectly sustainable waves
bliss

well here i am back in SP
trippy
bliss
its all there is
anything alse is a non sustainable imperfect wavelength that cannot contain sustainable inertia or life force
that said ill take a nap now
love you all
peace
douglas

so here i am back in fl
umpty thousand greyhound miles and alot of water under alot of bridges
im slowly getting used to this new me
cali was awesome
very powerfull source of life force there

im all full of feral energies from all over 2 countries
my ability to identify and filter interference and unfocused non sustainable wavelengths has been hampered by the new way of being but as the process of regaining cohesion in my system accelerates i find in my self a new level of awareness and many new types of energy that were previously not apparent to me

basicly the act of rebulding myself has given me more insight and more awareness of the interconnected nature of this holographic miracle we are all enjoying

bliss

bliss is the only form of energy i know of that creates a perfect sustainable self replicating inertia containing infinitely viable flow of light
geometricly mathmatically emotionally spiritually intelectually it is true on every level

be your bliss

even the heartaches and frustrations of living in these bodies is a form of our bliss full dance in the light of conciousness

feeling bliss at all times may seem hard or innapropriate
but if you look in yourself you will know at all times that bliss is there for you to follow with every breath

and the only true path to bliss is to make the decision and follow through

its good to be among freinds
and even the tension of the times and the situation cannot convince me for more than a minute or two that there is another pathway into the kingdom of heaven

so for those of you who are dissapointed in me
or frustrated by my actions
or simply tired of not seeing things go well for me

i wish you bliss
and acceptance of what is
but you will have to forgive me if im not willing to partake in any dynamic that is not based on the pursuit of and culturing of bliss

not just for me and you but as an infinte force of perfectly sustainable conciousness that can be replicated throughout all of now
that through the path of bliss comes the full awareness of now withoutut filters or feelings or thoughts or any of the other peices of the whole getting in the way of the one grand perfect ring of loving bliss that is the uni verse

i love you all
every one
and i whis for unified bliss
love
douglas

perfect place to heal
feelin the love
i miss you all alot
spendin time in the woods alot
peace and love
douglas

ive proven hard to kill

flesh eating bacteria/strokes/overdosing/beatings/nervous breakdown/malnutrition and exposure
all in a days work i guesse
today i picked up a working clarinet for the first time
at a freinds house
never played one
they rock
and they are so easy to play
so i played till my face went numb(bout 2 hrs)

dammit
why cant i just smoke crack or something
why do i have to become compulsive about every instrument i get my hands on

any way
i got my marbels put back in the bag
starting to feel a melody of sorts in my life again
its bumpy and has alot of timing /tempo changes
somewhat schizophrenic still
but im quickly developing a practice that will allow me to put the fragments together

feeling massive gratitude for the freinds and family and complete strangers who have blessed me with good intentions and sustanance
its weird to be back in mich
this is the battle ground for me
everywhere i look i remember the people ive lost to the war on drugs

in a way it has served me well to visit the well so to speak
to remember where this iron hard resolve was developed
to see again the forge and the fire that hammered me into this beast that i am

mostly to see the changes that have taken place

the younger generation has learned from us that fighting only brings fighting
they are passivley ignoring this war as they realize it has run its course and an understood destiny is shared in their way of life

i have a day or so left here before heading to cali
more healing and good clean work in store for me there
then back to cabo

i love you all soooo much and i wish that someday we can all dance together in the sun
peace and love douglas