joined on 07/25/05
last updated 06/03/08
about me
i am the light and the way
only through me will you reach the kingdom of heaven
wont the real slim shady please stand up
maybe it was a dream but it was a nice dream
TRIED FOR AN HOUR TO GET A BETTER SHOT THIS WAS THE FIRST
this is what a cuban blunt at the worlds perfect beach duz to me
ive made these"driblet"castles since i was tiny
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hi all
havent written on here at any length in quite some time
havent written anywhere for that matter in a while
its beggining to seem to me that part of my journey this time around is to spend alot of time surfing the line between life and death
in the last few years things have changed in a way that has opened me more and more every day
although confused i found my self to be perverseley excited to have a tumor in my head
what a trip
its mostly gone now altho ill never rebuild the matrix that it once occupied
it seems that creating a magnetic alignment that is tuned to pull radioactive elements out of your biochemistry and concentrate them into the tumor is just the trick
it dont matter how you think it or arrive at that conclusion
it could be a movie of little penguins armed with hatchets gnawing away at the tumor
whatever you need to do just beleive it
i have rebuilt my self time and again
like the temple that is built again and again on the same foundations
the mantra of human experience sings in my being and carries me forth in melodic fashion
ive gone from nearly dead filthy and homeless to living my dream in a few short months
im living in a nice house with an awesome veiw of the san juans
i have my paperwork to have a legal medical garden
i have a good job with a man i love as a friend and a boss
i have clean clothes and good food and dank coffee and an electric guitar to play and freinds and .....................
life is good
now is beautiful and majical and malleable
if you beleive
serj said it well"science has failed to recogniize the single most potent element of human exsitance to be FAITH"
so yeah dirty homeless living on a diet of junk food and soda smokin a bag of rollys a day and puffin my brains out while living as hard as i can is how i cured cancer
if i was a scientist id tell you all about the magnetic signature of subatomic particles and the tube taurus and all the light refraction that goes on
but im not
im really just a farmer thats been pushed to plant seeds pull weeds and reap harvest in fields id never have imagined
i want to thank everyone that has sent me well wishes and so much more
there has been times recently when it was the love of strangers that has sustained me
im getting stronger every day
and im moving in a direction that is allowing me to give back
its good to be alive
to sing and dance and see the sun shine
aho
D
Sat, March 28, 2009 - 9:41 AM
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yup still here
cancer is a thing in my past
boo yah
dam im good
shaved my head
i kinda like the smooth trip
didnt think i would
in the process of lining my ducks back up
counting what eggs ive put in the basket and regaining the impetus that has carried me along for so long
in a way being sick for so long has been very good for me
shook the tree alittle so the loose nuts could fall
i had a good many freinds that turned out to be strangers when the chips were down
and a good many aquaintances that turned out to be good freinds
even a few complete strangers that ended up being angles
so im back
bruised beaten up sore a little fuzzy on some details
but back in the saddle for sure
lets ride yo
D
Sat, December 27, 2008 - 9:49 AM
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its easy
isolate radio active elements from your own body and use them to stop the tumor
whatever you want to call that or whatever dogma you need to do it it dont matter
just do it
D
Sun, June 29, 2008 - 1:48 PM
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WE NEED TO UNPLUG FROM ANY ENERGY SOURCE THAT IS TOXIC AND MURDEROUS
NOW
WE NEED TO NOT DRIVE COMBUSTION ENGINES
NOW
WE
WE THE PEOPLE
WE WHO BLAME THE GOVERNMENT
WE WHO BLAME THE CORPORATIONS
WE WHO TURN ON THE LIGHT SWITCH KNOWING THAT THE ENERGIES PRODUCTION KILLS
ANIMALS PLANTS HUMANS EVERYTHING
KILLS IT
SAME WITH CARS
SAME WITH WITH ALOT OF THINGS THAT WE KNOW KILL
DONT ASK WHAT ELSE ARE WE TO DO
NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO NEXT DOES NOT EXCUSE TAKING MURDEROUS ACTION NOW
CHOOSING THE LESSER OF EVILS IS STILL CHOOSING EVIL
AS LONG AS WE KNOW OUR LIFE STYLE IS POISONOUS TO THOSE AROUND US AND GENERATIONS TO COME AND WE CONTINUE TO CHOOSE THAT LIFESTYLE WE ARE EVIL
BY CHOICE
WE KNOW BETTER
PLEASE STOP
NOW
D
Mon, June 9, 2008 - 10:33 PM
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this is along shot but i guesse worth atry
im trying to get the money together to fly home for my mothers funeral
i know times are hard
my family would really like me to be there
i could use all the help i can get
so if anyone out there is looking for a random act of kindness to perform
we could sure use the help
thank you all for your love and prayers
D
Wed, April 9, 2008 - 10:10 AM
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she was strong and gentle
she was full of pride
and as humble as they come
she was the cool hand on my feverish forehead
the one person that knew me
inside out knewme
my mom
she died of a massive heart attack today at 4
ill miss her more than i could possibly say
shes singing in perfict pitch with her own personal angels now
bye ma
love ya
D
Sat, April 5, 2008 - 9:52 PM
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turns out she was having her last nice moments for awhile
shes very confused hormonaly from an operation and wont get help
my heart aches
im too old for this
i already miss teddy bear like mad
i miss the her i met before her system melted down
cant say ill miss her till shes a long time gone tho
D
Tue, March 11, 2008 - 12:11 AM
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met a nice lady
her names Guthrie
shes a musician
level headed
warm
fun
has an incredible smile
anyways were ridin out the wet weather together
its nice to be loved
and to love
hold and be held
ya know
been to long
D
Fri, November 9, 2007 - 8:02 AM
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been breezin thru here alot not sayin much
thought id let yall know im still kickin
not as high but still kikin
spendin buttloads of time alone
walking stokin the fire in the bus
watchin leaves blow across the pond
or listnen to the rain drum on the bus(yup still north of seattle)
plyin mandolin now and a latin thingy called a quatro
tons of fun
tired alot stayin stoned
the world seems to me to be holding its collective breath
not me
been ready for whats comin since way b4 i was human
cosmic times to be a human for sure
missin my freinds both cyber and otherwise
cant interact very well most of the time tho
have fun yall
lovin ya
D
Sat, October 27, 2007 - 7:57 PM
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once when i was surfing
i got blown off my board and dropped in the bottom of a 10 footer that took me bouncing along a sand bar that had becom e my freind and teacher as far as surfing gos
i always really relax when im in a wace
the first couple totally adjust my back
but this time it was really sunny and i noticed a tiny whirl of sand on the bottom that was barely lifting off the bottom but was a perfect shadow of the wave it self
it came clear that i was very like that bit of sand
whirling chaotic bits of concentrated light inexorably mimicing the great primal fractal of the wave
now here in the great north west with its majestic hills and serene watersi grow tired again
settling for a moment to take stock
alot has happened very quickly for me
but it always has in my life
my experiment to try to unenlighten my self so that i could be the bhodisatva type and teach people was a huge failure and a massive drain on my life force
the void is a cold place with infinite room
light is warm and malleable
where i live there are mountains to the east and west
good echos
they call it 7 echo farm
some days my world is wrapped in a gauze of pain and exhaustion
most of the time my intellectual self is on break
im still lonley
but im pretty used to that
my music gets looser and wilder
sometimes softer
some times a feel a melody blown through who i am by some timeless beam of light gathered together in the infinely intricate snowflaces of sound that carress me into a state of knowing
of just knowing
live or die or quit or try or fall or fly
earth wind fire water sky
the old ways the new ways
all of it is known to be one thing
one oppurtunity
one chance to be in the now
to be over the candle stick like jack and dancing in the light
heaven hell
it happens now
only ever now
you choose
choose fear:you will fear
choose love:bliss belongs to you
D
Sat, August 4, 2007 - 3:42 AM
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livin inna bus
my closest freind is wilbur
hes a top notch mule
life gets fuzzier all the time
two llamas also live near the bus
but they are antisocial beings
spending alot of time watching flowers open and close
staying calm
the sea smells good here
clean
much love and grandest of melodies
D
Fri, August 3, 2007 - 8:52 PM
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florida mexico michigan florida so cal north coast........................................canada????????
oh well go figure
hangin with some permies up north
maybe get some healin done for a minute
sleeping strictly out doors and as far from any source of alternating current as possible
what along strange trip its been
D
Tue, April 17, 2007 - 8:15 AM
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as my body falls slowly like the redwoods in low gravity
my mind fails to recall that fractal of light i once called my self
my love grows infinte
my light shines everywhen
my being dances with melody
as i watch my gnarled scarred sun cracked hands manipulate the keys they dont seem to belong to me
some strange artifact from ancient times before man thought his will into being and had no use for such mechanical frivolities
in the grace of a new freind ive found respit
in a nice house in a nice place full of nice people doing nice things
not much call for my brand of love here
but a bouy to cling on for a moment
to take my bearings
before i swim back into the cosmos
for a minute i thought my light was fading
only to find to my despair it has only grown more complex and more subtle as i let go this human agreement
dancing the dance of the bard
always of the melody
always the crystal notes of being singing in my heart
creation and destruction the same
dissonance and resonance flow into aum
flow into light
yin is yang and above all the same
i wonder at the trees that see me singing
and what the grass might want to hear
the wind that has blown at the dust of my being lifts me high
i have always existed
now
NOW
no other thing exist
NOW
THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ONLY EXIST NOW
NOW
THE WINDS THAT BLOW THE MOUNTAINS TO SAND COME FROM MY LUNGS
THE HEAT OF A MILLION STARS
IS MY LOVE FOR YOU
NOW
ITS INFINITE
NOW
ITS LIGHT
NOW
ITS GOD
NOW
ITS
ALLLL
YOU
EVER
GET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now
Wed, April 11, 2007 - 1:12 AM
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garberville pot wars
river clean up got a little messy when me and the volunteer crew complained about the number of fertilized pearlite root balls we were finding on the river(mucho bad ju ju for the river)
duly appointed officials promptly put an end to cleanup crews
sherrifs rousted or arrested all the campers
i split south for a few days to santa rosa
headed for the sound up in washington
peace and love
D
Fri, April 6, 2007 - 11:42 AM
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no puter for a while
sherrif is movin us on in the mornin
not sure whats next
bound to be interesting
i need a shower
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
D
Thu, March 15, 2007 - 7:17 PM
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been living in the manilla dunes for a while
up and down in deep sand
5 miles to town
fog rain wind sun silence
just the soft sound of the surf in the near distance
the hiss of the wind on the sand
not eating or drinking much as far as that goes
tired
sleep is like work
being awake is a dream
alone
not lonley
thick with freinds
no one to help
this hole in my brain has stopped me from healing the rest of me
no one understands
they think im suicidal
or depressed
im not any of those things
just tired
id rather suffer alone than share this agony of slow moving madness
or try to explain one more time that i dont want a hospital or to go on the welfare system
i just want to die like a warrior
if i cant enjoy the fruits of my fight and cant retire with honors
i will at least not be a burden to my tribe
and will go t meet my grandfathers with a song and not a tear
i miss my fam
my kids
my life
my strength
i am but a shell of what i once was
i dont know why to share all of this
maybe im hoping for some kind of salvation
more lijkley i just dont want to go with out stating the fact that i gave my life for a cause i feel is rightous
the war on drugs was not my idea
but it shaped my life
i had very little choice
but i did what i did
without expectations
i am happy to have this little squat under the bushes in the dunes to call my home
but still my heart aches for all the brothers and sisters who still have many years of persecution ahead of them
those in prison
or living in fear
my heart aches for my self and the others of my generation whose sacrifices will not be recognized untill history sorts it self out if then
i miss wanting to be alive
i miss cherishing the day
i miss .......................................living
D
Mon, March 12, 2007 - 3:35 PM
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still kikin
hidin in the dunes near the beach
got a nice little squat
ittl work for now
D
Thu, March 8, 2007 - 3:35 PM
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seems i cant even die proper
im down to a small back pack and the cloths on my back
not sure what to do
im less confused now that im staying out of town
but i have no way to provide for my self
6 days in the woods with no food water and it just made me really tired
walked 300 miles across nevada
it was fairly boring
i guesse ill just sit down and wait for what ever to happen
thank you again for all the love ive received from freinds and strangers alike
peace
D
Thu, February 15, 2007 - 8:16 AM
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bikes broke
so am i
sleepin deep in the redwoods
lost my flute to the tweekers
life has become a series of tones
im trying desperatley for some form of harmony that i might turn to melodie
something to dance to
thank you for love and support that i feel
its cosmic weather these day
bring your soul brella
D
Wed, February 14, 2007 - 12:47 PM
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so far
ty to my freinds
the trailer for m ybike makes it a world easier to stat out of town
lights,cars,elec,makes me sick
and scared
and depressed
gotta go
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooove
D
Wed, January 17, 2007 - 11:27 AM
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ive had enuff
too much
i cant take any more
im tired
bone tired
tommorow i ride into the woods
jah will provide
i cant ask for any more help from the people i love
im sad
id hoped to atleast taste a minute of glory before i went
D
Thu, January 4, 2007 - 4:20 PM
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for most of my life i fought in the drug war
im old and tired
now i live in a place where it is finally legal
but im broke and homeless
figures
feeling a little like the nam vets that got spit on
D
Tue, January 2, 2007 - 8:29 AM
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dude trucked around with a bunch of other hippies talkin good talk and sharin
awesome cat
never said anything bad bout any one
happy bday king o the hippies
Mon, December 25, 2006 - 10:20 AM
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did anyone besides me notice that the natives in the painting of the first thanksgiving were all dressed in full battle gear??????????????
well its HIS story
Wed, November 22, 2006 - 12:29 PM
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hey all
im working my way through a 3 gr roach joint made mostly of hash joint roaches
powerfull stuff
thought id share a little of my buzz with the cyber world
its not the greatest smelling or tasting joint according to humbolt pot snob rules its totally yucky
ive been puffin away at it for 10 min at least and its still only slightly smaller
i can see the hash bubbeling through these new see through veggie cellulose papers i bought
not good papers by the way
90% as far as novelty
2% as far as smokable
my mouth and lips are numb
as the cramps and pulls of last nights sleeep ebb from my body with every hit i blow out i feel centered for the first time today
the cofee in my stomach gurgling makes me think im water bong
puff puff gurgle gurgle
i think back on how i made this joint
weeks and weeks it takes to get enough hash roaches for a phatty
i mostly smoke hash in pipes so the roaches are a prize
23 of em
out of my M&M mini tube that keeps em just like new
thats 23 joints that were all shared with people id never met b4
at least 40 new freinds went into this joint making thing
from hand to hand
each person trading thier tale for mine
each little peice of life adding to my experience
the young couple i met who were riding bikes from bc to baja
they had never had hash so we tried it 4 different ways
in a bowl,under glass,vaporized,and a fat hash joint
pasta over a fire on a cliff over the ocean with two good freinds whos names escape me
the group of young hippies from the midwest just hitting humbolt in their veggie bus
smokin top and mexi press commercial schwagg
2 grams of hash and 3 greatful dead albumns later i walked out into the sunshine leaving 5 hash zombies behind in a pile of sleeping bliss
the old lady at the campground with fybromyalgia who only smokes at night and only with me
she propositioned me while i smoked a hash joint with her
she said 60 ws like havin 3 20 yr olds
fun lady
full of light
apologized later
said herb made her horny as a goat
the old hippy from indiana who hadnt smoke hash since his trip to spain in the 60s
just seeing the childish bliss that spread through him while we puffed that fatty put me in a rare state of silence
his old blue eyes danced and watered and he coughed himself into fits
i laid a chunk on him
we parted with a knowing smile
knowing we had known eachother since before time
truly a cosmic drug this cannabis
this joints about half way down
i must of got a big chunk of hash that i didnt break up kuzz its blowin up like a volcano right now
in redwood pk
i ran into some kids that fed me veggie burgers
i rolled the biggest hash joint ive rolled ever
the roach must have weighed 2 gms
i played flute and watched as 10 or more kidz went from anticipation of there next turn at the joint
to relaxaxion
to whoooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooo
to thats enough for me im gonnaaaa ...........................mmjduhdu sumthin frisbee mumble sumthin
till there were 2
me and another jedi
we talke dof places wed been
hash wed smoked
strains we liked
coffee and drummers
cant recall jedis name either
lot of love went into makin this joint happen
from trimmin to ice water to pressin t smokin rollin puffin da hizzzza
issss beeeeeen fun
the volcano has calmed down and the end is all goooed shut
im gonna go mumble bfhduila pokey hf mumble sumpthin
peace
Wed, November 22, 2006 - 9:37 AM
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ashes in a bucket
bits of glass
slow grinding reality
pain rises and falls in an untimable tide
wanting to be mixed with dreams of returning
blood flows in me
pushing my veins to thesurface
a bottel of wine spilled across my hand
a peice of song floating past
twigs and sticks tied to gether with string
moldy scarecrow in a fallow feild
dignity the only thing not gone
the earth that is me will take me back
the blood that boils in me
will cool and return
the sacred strands that my people have weaved for eons
will fly free back to the primordial soup
the wind blows at me like a pile of dust
smaller and smaller i become as my experience grows more
i feel the atoms humming in me
i taste the light that flows in me
i hear the beat of creation
i am blessed in the light
aho
Tue, November 21, 2006 - 12:13 PM
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this be ing see ing free ing thing
this futile attempt to define the undefinable
this quest to understand what cannot be forgotte
the imp er man ance of now
the refraction action of grand attraction
the eternal banalaty of humble insanity or sanity or vanity
this thought of separation
holding a mirror in front of what is not there and calling it real
light is infinite and undefined
conciousness exist as the dance of the spheres
only frequencies that are sustainable exist
only the perfection of the sphere is adequate to contain inertia
only with inertia
the breaking free of our selves the rendering of our god selves into bits can experience and conciousness exist
our ppurpose is to experience
to evolve
to shareto be something other than infinite
as we reach out ward to know and grasp more our being is also aligned to reach inward in exponential manner
as strong as we desire to know god we are god and are looking inward on ourselves
so as i sit in this holy sacred place and know my self to be
just to be
now
here
with full presence
to experience and evolve and transcende any and all states of beingto be the dance and the tune and the sphere and the light and the dust and the morning dew
to know the fate of the galaxies that form my atoms
to understand and to let go of all knowing
to be light
is my blessing
my song
my gift from to it me we is
my infinite jubilant aum of bliss
to fill my human self with the light
to call the children of the light to love
to know bliss is light is perfection is truth is god
what a day
D
Tue, November 21, 2006 - 12:05 PM
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hey all
im back
not that i went anywhere
much
the proverbial shit hit the fan in awhole bunch of ways
ive been really struggling for a few years with my health
not that im losing the strugggle
its just taking up a huge amount of my attention
recently a wave of irrational behavior spread through my life
people i knew and loved treating me like a stranger
family turning their backs on me
if not for the kindness of strangers i would surley have suffered greatly due to what seems to me to be a wave of pure nuttyness
im a long way from healthy today although i am safe
wich is something i havent been in a while
i thought that i was
i was sure that i shared an intentional desire to evolve with a certain group of people who have since steered to another heading wich i find obscure
an attempt was made on my life by a group of people i once lived with as family
airing of lies mixed with part truths through public and private means as an attempt to demean and humiliate me
the public broad cast of unfounded accusations through my e mail list to both family and buissness contacts alike
the attempts to have me arrested on a bullshit 1000 bond for possesion of some joints
the harrassment of my freinds by police and others
i came and went alot from 5th ave while in town
i felt the vibe
it was scetchy at best
no unity
no family
no shared intentions
i was in the middle of a very serious challenge
i wanted and asked for the love and support of my freinds
they gave it
and ive struggled to get back on my feet to repay the kindness they have shown me
im still teetering but im on my feet
im not sure after everything thart happened how to repay the support i was given by so many who i cant even speak to now because i am in suspicion of taking someones money
i cant give money beause i dont do money any more
if i see you i will find a way
to repay the debt
till then
peace and love
Sat, November 18, 2006 - 8:06 PM
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been a while since ive been in contact with any one out there
a whole lot of stuff happened real fast
so ive been up on a mountain sorting it all out
firstly the stroke and resulting backlash from it were only the tip of an iceburgh
seems while they were taking pics of my grey matter they found a tumor
doc says its the size of a grape
ive seen it on the film
id like to know where he buys his grapes
soyeah ive discovered that having a hole in your brain makes you second guesse your self a lot
im not real sure of alot of things but heres a few i am 100% sure of
1 i am not a liar or a theif or subversive or controlling or clandestine or any of the things the people on 5th ave said i am
i was actually going through my things to see if i took the money and just didnt know it
if i took it id like to know where i hid it cuz im broke as fuck
2 since 1999 ive felt an (untill now)inexplicable sense of confusion
now that i know where it is coming from i can account for it and things have become much clearer
3 i have and always have had a love of exitement and challange
while unchecked by a clear intellect i have allowed that love to pull me into situations and freindships i would normally avoid as being detrimental
and finally
i am a child of light shining in perfection and my love is boundess
i love you all
peace
douglas
Tue, June 27, 2006 - 8:05 AM
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so heres the deal
turns out the test thay run on my head(mri ekg abcdefg all that stuff)
shows that i have a tumor on my frontal lobe
bout the size of a grape they said
why the fuck dont they just say 12 mm or whatever
now i have weird thoughts about eating grapes
assholes
any way im not the type to spend time in hospitals
im sure as hell not letting any one cut open my head for any reason
im not sure what i feel about it if any thing at all
at first i thought i was just shocked and numb
but the truth is i dont really care
if and when it affects my life i will cope
till then i really dont have the time or energy to put into it
nothing i can do but be aware of it any way
been a trippy year already
love yas
douglas
Sat, May 20, 2006 - 8:58 AM
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stoned blank mind
smoked more than any man should at once
the last few weeks had been a trial to say the least
10 days in jail for possesion of a joint
paying back bills when i got out
barely any weed in my life
the relationship with kristin had deteriorated and exploded andspewed slime all over the neighbor hood
i couldnt sleep in the house i was paying for because i could feel her vibrations from accross the rd
so a camp site a mile off in the woods
me the squirrels and the owl that used the elm tree near my site as his diner
today i had money to buy a sack o buds the size of my forearm
so i sit here on my fourth joint thinking ill be stoned to sleep soon
the sun slides down from the canopy in shafts of magical dancing spheres
the occasional breeze that reaches the forest floor carries a wet smell of soft bark and green grassy smells from the meadow
way in the distance i hear kurt and charlotte playing in the yard
the tractor running at the turtles place a mile off
laying on the ground i can feel the earth move as the breeze swings the trees in lazy circles
my heart is so free here
five joints and all i can do is trake it in
the beggining of the trail of tears
lightning ridge
a place of special magnetic signature
my little shangri la
hippy hollow is what the locals call the valley below my campsite
as the smell of hunysuckle blows up on the evening breeze
i wonder at the capacity of this simple plant to show me so many things about my self and what i experience
i feel right now like i did then
the memory burned forever in my heart and mind
a simple non moment
nothing special
exept
my awareness of the intensity of the incredible magnificence of the infinite miracles unfolding in front of me
i love weed
Sun, May 14, 2006 - 11:47 AM
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the first three notes of a song you forgot
that flower that wasnt bloomed last time you looked open in orgasmic bliss
the single drop of water slowley rolling down a leaf only to pause for an endless moment before leaping off to oblivion
that wave thats bigger than all the rest and soaks your rolled up pants
hearing the flutter of a swallows wings on a stiflingly still afternoon
the first watermelon of the year
waking up to see your lover smiling in her sleep as the sun rises wrapping her in gold
looking into the eyes of your child and knowing the truth
the joyus warmth of the woodstove with frozen hands caressing the precious calories
the first tiny green leaf to push its way up through the soil
a loving face in a sea of confusion
that thing the drummer does that makes me go yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
a cool breeze kissing you softly while you bask on the sand
the majesty of a tree
the purity of a child
the laughter of a brook deep in the green woods
the sound of my childs first laugh
the feel of my mothers hand on my feverish head
these are my blessings
not my possesions
or accomplishments and failures
not what i think or want or get or need or change
but what is given
the true blessings in life are the simple things
the odd moments of bliss that stand in me like pillars holding up the facade of who i want to be
Sun, May 14, 2006 - 8:32 AM
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like the breath twirling its way through my flute
like the moment of awe just before the wave crashes
i flow and bend and fly and rend
notes rung before time was
melodies dreamed in the void
manifest in my waking hours
songs of joy and bliss and pain and desire and songs of nothing but the purity of the note
not a note
the note
as my intensity grows and fades and the crescendos pass and the melodie is again reborn in new form i am lost
am i the song
am i the musician
am i the dancer
is the melodie born of me or torn from the primal fabric of god
like the vibration of the string plucked i waver in my place
letting fly my sacred sounds
and as the place between the waves fills with glorious potential
i am new
i am born and reborn with every measure
my being is known and expressed as it is now
through the refration of light into a lotus of sound
i become not the song or the singer but the dancer
thejoyus witness to this infinite melody
blessed be the dancer
Sat, May 13, 2006 - 11:13 AM
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hello cyberworld
im sitting alone with a bowl of kind and some reggae bumpin on a muggy fl afternoon
letting my mind drift back over the last months
bringing the recent events into perspective with the remainder of my history
its become obvious to me in the last few weeks that some of the things i lost during the stroke are not going to come back
among those things is the ability to heal my self
when i pull a muscle it stays pulled for weeks instead of days
considering i pull at least one muscle a day im in trouble
the math dont work out
im losing muscle mass quickly and they are getting tighter and stiffer every day
ive tried extra meditations and new frequencies and am still trying new things every day
but the battle is very much one sided
im losing ground fast
i am no longer capable of providing for my self
to those who have known me for a long time you know how hard it is for me to face that
not that i wont
but ive been in the chair once and i wont go back easily
with that said
a large part of me is releived
im tired
tired of being healthy and strong when i feel so weak and full of pain
tired of pretending it dont hurt when it does
tired of suffering because i dont want to inconveinence some one by making them aware of my pain
the stroke has in some ways brought an incredible calm to me
ignorance is bliss i suppose
im not sure what it was that i lost
but i think it was what drove meto struggle all this time
when all i really wanted was for my pain to not hurt any one else
im very proud of the things i have done the lessons ive learned and the sharing i have taken part in
i am strong and full of light and love
i am also crippeled
nothing that i do is with out its cost in damage and pain
my body is so tight i often pull muscles coughing or even shitting
my joints grind together in a never ending tale of destroyed cartalidge,muscle and nerves
since my early 20s i have triumphed over the pain to accomplish many of my dreams while failing at a great many things
i have healed my body from dawn to dusk and through every night since i learned how
i have supassed the symptoms of arthritis,bursitis,fibro myalgia,carpal,thoratic outlet syndrome,and a plethora of injurie related conditions
ive torn tendons off their moorings and worked one handed
ive broken bones in my feet from kickin a shovel
and framed a house the next week
ive been diagnosed terminal three times
at the age of 38 ive been declared clinically dead 3 times
im tired
i just want to put what little energy i have left into loving a good woman and watching my children grow
i dont know why im saying this other than to speak it some where
ive only admitted these things to my self as im writing
never a dull moment huh
douglas
Mon, May 8, 2006 - 11:48 AM
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my mind floats like dandelion fluff on alazy summer day
the years have worn deep grooves in my soul
the endless whine of tires on pavement is my lullaby
what is mine is returned by giving it away
what i know is only a fleeting glimpse at who i am
i am sustained
like a note that rings true long after the band stops and the crowd goes home
the love and compassion of the dancers carrying me into the light
the white line at the side of the rd that stretches from here to my begginings
still pulls me further and further
once a cripple now i stand
once a warrior now i sing
once a hateful man
now walking in light
once an intellectual
now a savant
as my will to maintain this form ebbs
i feel no remorse
no regret
only a profound wonderment at the true capacity of a human
i came here to be human
to know what it was
now i know
there are no answers
cuz there are no questions
the universe my freinds is perfect
so relax and enjoy
Sun, May 7, 2006 - 5:45 AM
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for a couple years ive been patiently waiting for the dynamic to exist for me to manifest an end to my financial and other issues
ive carefully asked my self everyday to manifest an end to the fustrations i have faced in my career and romantic life
today it dawned on me that i have manifested what i wanted to
since the stroke it has been part and parcel to the healing proccess that i remain in a state of bliss
the end result is that i no longer seem to give a shit
not that i dont intend to continue working towards paying off debts
just that it no longer stresses me out when i fail
an example
im building a fence
i underbid the job by half at least because its a freind
im paying a driver and tony to help
every day the job goes on eats the profits
one thing after another has gone awry
flat tires missed connections forgotten tools
stick in my eye crow bar to the forehead leaving me with a nice head ring for 3 days
then lowes fails to deliver my materials
so i spend the rest of my profits to rent a freind with a truck to carry the fence panels and stuff
and they cant find the fence at lowes
so now home owner is tense
helper is tired
driver is late to other appointments
still havent eaten all day
dougs cool as a cucumber
everyone will get over it
or not
the fence will go up
or not
ill make 20 bucks for 3 full days work
or not
my intellect says this is stressfull
the rest of me says whatever
things have away of continuing to happen
stressing about change is ridiculous
im gonna go yell at the lowes guy cuz its fun
i have a knack for cussing some one out while making them laugh their heads off
peace all
Fri, May 5, 2006 - 5:50 AM
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infinite rays of light
spread in infinite delight
dancing through the nothing without a care
spinning whirling
falling twirling
singing ancient songs
in snowflake harmony
fractal symphony
ever blessed synchronicity
the first thought
the first breath
the sacred aum
the idea that i should define my self and compare me to it as if there is a line of demarcation
the rending of god in two
the dance of the spheres
as above so below
compile compact retain refract
sacred sine
holy rhyme
vibrating deep in my spine
pulling life in me
Thu, May 4, 2006 - 10:31 AM
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today i rememberd when i was a small bird
i got caught in a hurricane
i could feel the wind tearing at me
debris hitting me
my feathers being torn from my flesh
the absolute panic
struggling to breathe
feeling my life force flow away
struggling with all my might i began to notice the destruction happenning all around me
trees torn from the ground
brother deer smashed bbeneath the limbs
rivers flowing with salt water while the fish fled in panic
familys torn land marks gone
the tree of my birth a pile of branches
in my shock and horror i had forgotten my mortal struggle
i simply few where the storm took me
for hours watching the death and destruction below
feeling the loss till all was washed clean of me but an utter sadness
not untill i felt my self dropping did i notice i was free of the storm
the blessing of my own life spared
brought to a state of highest reverence by the witnessing of the sacred cycle
the greif i felt being the act of true love that spared me
that i may sing a song on a sunny day of the beauty of birth
Wed, May 3, 2006 - 6:17 PM
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the place halfway between the bottom of the boat and the bottom of the river
also the man who said
"a weed is a plant whos virtues have not yet been discovered"
i freinds am a weed
patiently growing between the rows
not minding the hoe or the hand
always there next year ready for my virtues to be discovered
Tue, May 2, 2006 - 5:28 AM
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6 in a circle ring around one
circle all the centers your almost done
finish the flower same as before
clarity lies behind the next door
conncet all the centers give it a spin
see the world of light u r in
Tue, May 2, 2006 - 5:15 AM
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for over 2 yrs i have been in love with an incredible woman
however for whatever reason i am not worthy of her attentions
im not the type of person that lets go easily
weve never been intimate with eachother
or even kissed
yet thoughts of her consume all desires in me
im tired of wanting what i cant have
so ill stop wanting
its easy for me now
since the stroke i have felt as though my life has taken a whole new direction
i can only have one thing on my mind at a time
so as long as i keep anything on my mind but her im fine
2 yrs is enough time to give any one
more than enough
i am a rare kind of man
no ego there
just saying what i see
im looking for a rare kind of woman
one who is not afraid to show her true feelings at all times
one who wants to share her world with me
one who wants to know me
if shes out there good
if not
oh well
i wont settle for less
im sad
but its mine
doug
Tue, May 2, 2006 - 5:02 AM
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what a strange time
here i am back in fl
i love sooooooooooooooooo many people here
alexis enthralls me and is more breathtaking than ever
the light in her eyes has grown more complex and shines brighter than ever
ive taken to drinking akchahol again
tonite it was a bottle of wine shared with freinds followed by a bottle of mezcal to my self
i see the uni verse in a way that allows me total fereedom
i am very drunk right now yet every thing i think and feel transcendes my biochemistry
the light in her eyes fills my spirit with strength and motiion
i cane to florida mostly to see her again
and as much as i wish things would move forward and as much as i want to feel her body next to mine
and as dissapointed as i might be that we are still "good freinds"
being near her fills me with joy
looking into her eyes fills me with purpose
seeing her dance with her hoop
seeing her groove to my tunes
gives me a feeling i havent felt since the first time i ever fell in love
so in my drunkeness i see thatr these two women are on the same page
there are alexis the woman who holds my attention and virgina whos touch fills me with light
the spinning circle of passionate strength and the princess whos night i wish to be
why cant i be simple
my spirit is tired and dreams of long naps
tequilla is truth serum
dance for me
and illl play till the morn comes
sing for me and ill love with all my might
know me and i will conquer hell to hand you youre dreams
Thu, April 27, 2006 - 10:51 PM
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this be ing see ing free ing thing
this futile attempt to define the undefinable
this quest to understand what cannot be forgotten
the imp er man ance of now
the refraction action of grand attraction
the eternal banalaty of humble insanity or sanity or vanity
this thought of separation
holding a mirror in front of what is not there and calling it real
light is infinite and undefined
conciousness exist as the dance of the spheres
only frequencies that are sustainable exist
only the perfection of the sphere is adequate to contain inertia
only with inertia
the breaking free of our selves the rendering of our god selves into bits can experience and conciousness exist
our ppurpose is to experience
to evolve
to share
to be something other than infinite
as we reach out ward to know and grasp more our being is also aligned to reach inward in exponential manner
as strong as we desire to know god we are god and are looking inward on ourselves
so as i sit in this holy sacred place and know my self to be
just to be
now
here
with full presence
to experience and evolve and transcende any and all states of being
to be the dance and the tune and the sphere and the light and the dust and the morning dew
to know the fate of the galaxies that form my atoms
to understand and to let go of all knowing
to be light
is my blessing
my song
my gift from to it me we is
my infinite jubilant aum of bliss
to fill my human self with the light
to call the children of the light to love
to know bliss is light is perfection is truth is god
what a day
d
Sun, April 23, 2006 - 9:03 AM
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ashes in a bucket
bits of glass
slow grinding reality
pain rises and falls in an untimable tide
wanting to be mixed with dreams of returning
blood flows in me
pushing my veins to thesurface
a bottel of wine spilled across my hand
a peice of song floating past
twigs and sticks tied to gether with string
moldy scarecrow in a fallow feild
dignity the only thing not gone
the earth that is me will take me back
the blood that boils in me
will cool and return
the sacred strands that my people have weaved for eons
will fly free back to the primordial soup
the wind blows at me like a pile of dust
smaller and smaller i become as my experience grows more
i feel the atoms humming in me
i taste the light that flows in me
i hear the beat of creation
i am blessed in the light
aho
Sat, April 22, 2006 - 11:41 AM
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change is nothing new to me
its the only constant
shadows of yesterdays life draw color and substance into my now
like a bell ringing in the depths of the ocean for thelost souls that once sailed the murky tossing seas of my knowing
i feel this deep primal hum of blissful harmonious being
the peices of me that remain as they were before the stroke have gained coheision and inertia
the peices of me that have been altered are fast aligning them selves with the sacred flower of infinite sustainable light
i want to rest
lay in the sun with a beatiful girl and listen to the waves
i want my mind to be free of alll that is not blissfull
to play the notes of sacred songs that were blown into the being by the creation of the uni verse
to dance with the mother in a state of unkown jubilation of all that is
i came to this body as a being of light
by choice with will and intention
my experience has been human
yet my purpose and reason for being transcendes this knowing of our self
to experience the purity of infinity is not a rare gift but our natural state of being
to live in a world of light is neither a spiritual gift or a scientific accomplishment but our true self
our unlimited un filtered blinder free reality is one of magical light combining at our will
a rose perfect in its self replication
the lotus in its infinite geometric progression
the bee building its hive
none of things question there being
this is not a shortcoming on their part but a state of enlightenment that we so activley pursue
you me it now infinity the uni verse is light
unenlightenenment is an imaginary state of being
god is light we are god now is all we have
be light and you will know god
douglas
Sat, April 22, 2006 - 11:31 AM
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the sun boils its way into the ocean once again
i feel lost
not that im lost in the world but like ive been lost
by those i was born too
like ive been set free on this incredible journey to rediscover my self
not me the person
or me the concept
but me
the infinite presence of light carrying inertia througgh now with perfectly sustainable waves of bliss
as i sit here and listen to my mind chatter about the never ending string of data it takes in and assimilates
things float through like wisp of mist on a cool summer morning
through thefrustrations and struggles and the attatchments that threaten to rend me
i am kissed by the knowing of the universe as one infinite being of bliss
as i lament the loss of my carreer and the lonliness that comes with loving someone who dont share those feelings
i am warmed by the infinite golden light that transcendes all knowing
and as the noises and toxins and pollution of every kind imaginable invades my sphere of being
i am freed by the knowing that these things are not sustainable in their nature and i am
its been a long journey that led me to where i am
since b4 we chose these human forms i have traveled the cosmic pathways
i have comuned with the stars and heard the angels sing
i embrace more and more the light that shines with purity unmatched
i am old
ive forgotten why i came here or if there was a reason
i really have no reason to stay
exept this nagging feeling that there is work for me to do here
so as i glory in the bliss of a journey well travelled
and the sun melts again
i radiate one thing to the infinite
bliss
bliss is light combining according to golden mean ratio to create perfectly sustainable waves
bliss
Thu, April 20, 2006 - 8:11 AM
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well here i am back in SP
trippy
bliss
its all there is
anything alse is a non sustainable imperfect wavelength that cannot contain sustainable inertia or life force
that said ill take a nap now
love you all
peace
douglas
Tue, April 11, 2006 - 2:42 PM
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so here i am back in fl
umpty thousand greyhound miles and alot of water under alot of bridges
im slowly getting used to this new me
cali was awesome
very powerfull source of life force there
im all full of feral energies from all over 2 countries
my ability to identify and filter interference and unfocused non sustainable wavelengths has been hampered by the new way of being but as the process of regaining cohesion in my system accelerates i find in my self a new level of awareness and many new types of energy that were previously not apparent to me
basicly the act of rebulding myself has given me more insight and more awareness of the interconnected nature of this holographic miracle we are all enjoying
bliss
bliss is the only form of energy i know of that creates a perfect sustainable self replicating inertia containing infinitely viable flow of light
geometricly mathmatically emotionally spiritually intelectually it is true on every level
be your bliss
even the heartaches and frustrations of living in these bodies is a form of our bliss full dance in the light of conciousness
feeling bliss at all times may seem hard or innapropriate
but if you look in yourself you will know at all times that bliss is there for you to follow with every breath
and the only true path to bliss is to make the decision and follow through
its good to be among freinds
and even the tension of the times and the situation cannot convince me for more than a minute or two that there is another pathway into the kingdom of heaven
so for those of you who are dissapointed in me
or frustrated by my actions
or simply tired of not seeing things go well for me
i wish you bliss
and acceptance of what is
but you will have to forgive me if im not willing to partake in any dynamic that is not based on the pursuit of and culturing of bliss
not just for me and you but as an infinte force of perfectly sustainable conciousness that can be replicated throughout all of now
that through the path of bliss comes the full awareness of now withoutut filters or feelings or thoughts or any of the other peices of the whole getting in the way of the one grand perfect ring of loving bliss that is the uni verse
i love you all
every one
and i whis for unified bliss
love
douglas
Tue, April 11, 2006 - 1:42 PM
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perfect place to heal
feelin the love
i miss you all alot
spendin time in the woods alot
peace and love
douglas
Sun, March 26, 2006 - 2:32 PM
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ive proven hard to kill
flesh eating bacteria/strokes/overdosing/beatings/nervous breakdown/malnutrition and exposure
all in a days work i guesse
today i picked up a working clarinet for the first time
at a freinds house
never played one
they rock
and they are so easy to play
so i played till my face went numb(bout 2 hrs)
dammit
why cant i just smoke crack or something
why do i have to become compulsive about every instrument i get my hands on
any way
i got my marbels put back in the bag
starting to feel a melody of sorts in my life again
its bumpy and has alot of timing /tempo changes
somewhat schizophrenic still
but im quickly developing a practice that will allow me to put the fragments together
feeling massive gratitude for the freinds and family and complete strangers who have blessed me with good intentions and sustanance
its weird to be back in mich
this is the battle ground for me
everywhere i look i remember the people ive lost to the war on drugs
in a way it has served me well to visit the well so to speak
to remember where this iron hard resolve was developed
to see again the forge and the fire that hammered me into this beast that i am
mostly to see the changes that have taken place
the younger generation has learned from us that fighting only brings fighting
they are passivley ignoring this war as they realize it has run its course and an understood destiny is shared in their way of life
i have a day or so left here before heading to cali
more healing and good clean work in store for me there
then back to cabo
i love you all soooo much and i wish that someday we can all dance together in the sun
peace and love douglas
Mon, March 13, 2006 - 9:45 AM
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this is not photoshop i swear
what isee when i look around!
3rd beach at chilerno there used to be a house on those rocks
this is the point where the highest shots and the arch were
lololololoololololololololololololololololololololol fuck snow
but im gonna climb up and plant a flag
untill i find the real name i call it toad mountain
i was tired of carrying the water she carried the baby the whole way!!!
people keeep saying why you always jokin
cant you get serious and tell us what youre all about
so ok
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go
LIKES
love,sex,drugs,music,smiles,waves,tacos,pizza,evolving conciously,kids,old people ,photgraphs of kids and old people,
i like hot coffee and a fat joint everymornin,2 fattys at sunset on the beach,learning spanish,girls who speak spanish,quessadillas con flora callbasa,living in mex.,learning to surf,sparkely rocks,tiny flowers that grow in impossiblplaces,strippers,frogs,turtles,snakes,nebulae,geodesic domes,houses made of dirt,dogons,dolphins,bone beads,l-88 427 aluminum block hemispherical head racing engines,books that smell old,big trees,rivers,lakes oceans,arryos,sand mountains,not cold
LIFE
things that are simple
DISLIKES
itchy things,things that put holes in me where i dont want them,mice and rats,fat people who hate themselves cuz their fat,oilslicks,COLD,wobbely shopping cart wheels,drummers that cant count(i miss you ben),perfume,that i cant do a cartwheel,joints that run,anyone who thinks they are smarter than me,SNOW,cherry flavored anything,suicidal guys name frank that drive a 93 lebaron,carbon monoxide poisoning,heroin overdosing,tv,99.99999999999999999999% of all movies,hernias,moldy bread,WINTER,waking up in aplace i cant pronounce,
so how did get this way you might ask
for the whole story see the book
it will go to press in sept.
the title is little grey box
and its the story of strong little boy whos path was rightous
and led him down a road full of trials
i dont know if anyone reads these things besides me but ive been nervous about this book since the first time i let some read it
and so its a big deal to me to have commited contractually to releasing it
the path that led me to where i am right now is the path of right now
the path of no path
the way of no way
since my earliest memories ive never felt the need to no why
i am
now
my supposed disorder combined with failed attempts to "treat"it some how made me exempt from the programming that causes people to be out of phase with the infinte now
its taken most of my life to realize what the nature of that programming is
most of what i learned i learned in prison
as a form of self defense
not from inmates but from the system
recent events have enabled me to put that experience into a whole new perspective
most easily stated
:infinty is imeasureable now is infinte we are light
oh yeah and the universe is perfect
peace and light doug
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