I learned from my last relationship that I have to ask for what I want. I have to be brave enough to ask for it and be willing to face the possibility that the other person will hear my request but not meet it.

i want to run away.

this morning i woke up before the sun and laid awake for hours, wishing that today something would happen to take me out of this life.

Long ago I suffered a heartbreak, a deeply disappointing experience with a lover. We didn't know each other well, mostly had friends in common, and when we connected I was trusting the people who knew each of us, trusting that if they loved him then it must be a safe place for me to open my heart.

i found out it wasn't.

Later, after our parting, our relationship came up in conversation with a friend. He said to me, "he wasn't the guy for you. I love the guy, but he's a butterfly."
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i have such a deep urge to research everything i can find about relationships, psychology, divorce statistics, and gather piles of data to bring me a sense of....power, I suppose, something to alleviate my helplessness.

i told him last night that I think they're in for a rude awakening.
i still love and care for him, so I don't really wish him pain, but I don't think this is going to work and it really breaks my heart that he's throwing away our partnership to start one with her.

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I've never approved of vandalism, but a few minutes ago I suddenly flashed on what it's like to be angry with the world, carrying around this big force of energy that needs (and will find) an outlet, and how that could compel a person to just be...reckless. Smash things. Pick random targets that won't strike back to take out one's aggressions. I don't condone it, don't approve of it, won't go there, but for a moment I understood how that can happen.