I've got a crush on a guy I've never met.

we've been chatting online for a few weeks.
I think we've been honest with each other and it seems there is a connection, but this whole online realm is just so tricky.
I'm afraid of repeating my pattern of falling in love with my idea of who someone is, rather than who they are.

it's safe, hiding behind these characters on a screen
but it's also lonely out here too. I'm learning that I didn't realize how lonely I've been.

the part I don't want to tell anyone is some part of me is secretly wishing for a golden ticket, a Prince Charming, a way out of my life. I've wanted to escape for a long time.

we live on opposite coasts. so this relationship is totally doomed. Each of us has expressed a curiosity to meet, and I find myself thinking about it

we'll discover where we've been creating an illusion.
once it's dispelled, it might be less interesting, and I'd have to face that disappointment

or it would still be interesting
and then we'd still be far away from each other.

I think too much about perception and truth.

and I've always been sooooooo reluctant to get my heart set on anything, lest it get broken.

I can't tell anyone in real life how I feel. I don't want to be subjected to their judgements and crappy advice and stupid New Age euphemisms about how we create our realities. I feel totally stuck, and for moments I can taste how liberating it would be for me to go ahead and take a step to connect, risk getting hurt for the sake of intimacy

but that sense of empowerment melts away and before I know it I'm stuck in my head again.
berating myself for living in unreality.

I hate living in this world sometimes. I'm not really living; I'm just going through the motions, too scared to seize the day and be passionate and alive. I'm being small.
*sigh*

I read a quote on a tribe thread that I liked: "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"
I'm living my life by default, not choosing what I want but letting the fates decide for me.
and the more I think about it, now it makes sense to me that I'm still single. Who would want a partner who behaves that way?

hmmmmm.