It been an interesting month. One in which I've experienced less overall fear for my very survival and more expansion into this new world in which I find myself. A world of my choosing.

And it is varied.

Split you might say. Sectioned off in places co-joined within my fractured psyche.

Pieces of a whole picture that's maybe not yet in place.

I've my existence as a caregiver at St Anthony's. Changing the diapers of large elderly men, feeding those who've forgotten how to chew and generally working until my feet are so sore I need to proper them up at night. Demanding work that does not pay well though one where my interactions with the residents provides me with fuel for thoughts of my own aging, the current state of care for our elderly and what appears to be a terrible disaster on the horizon with Boomers approaching retirement.

I've my budding existence as a youth counselor at New Avenues. One training and a shadow shift under my belt so far. More to come. Seems alright. The youth I met on my first shift are pretty mellow compared to the ones I worked with at Outside In. I will be training in Transitional Housing as well as the drop-in. I think I'll like housing better. The youth I serve there make as much money as I do.

There's my Portland Community Media government gig. I like going out on shoots only lately I've been experiencing lots of doubts about my abilities in that field. I'm taking a production class to bone up on my skills. And on Wednesday I have my final interview (or rather my second...who knows if it's final) for the Community Facilitator position. Doubts have surfaced about that too. I went in there initially all cocking and now...well, there is my humility, doubts and cultivated non-attachment.

My volunteering at Film Action. Making rounds to the local schools, promoting the Portland Youth Doc summer program. They've asked me if I'd tutor some youth finishing a production for the Epilepsy Foundation. I met the co-director. I flop around trying to make sense of what I am doing there. Perhaps just embarrassing myself in a well meaning way.

On the love side of things there's Romey. There's Damani. There's ..., there's my crush on Sam. Perhaps each representing my split in some ways. Divided up. Not a one thing really clicking. Self doubt all the way around. I act earnestly BUT perhaps I haven't as much hope as I once did. I do not so much spring out of bed each day as roll out. Fall into place. Move forward a controlled pace.

Its all just something to do really. My justification for "I'm trying my best".

Am I?

The pressures have not disappeared. I guess I am just ignoring them. Or ignoring my futile attempts at addressing them. I am maybe so lost, way laid and crashed ashore that I see no real way out. It does not mean I will give up trying. Or succumb to overwhelming feelings of helplessness. The universe seems to laugh at me about that.

Just... just sometimes, I have troubling thoughts of being a loser.

My life seems like such a lovely mess.

And I'm buried in its exquisite rubble.

A great victory of some kind right now is very much welcomed. A trifecta of the great job, relationship and home would do it.

Then maybe I could begin facing some of the more weighty issues.

Justice is the word for today.

Let's see it manifest.