a re-post of a series of posts an old friend and I shared on myspace that I want to share as much as possible, and don't fret, I got the other authors permission before I re-posted....

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

My thoughts written by my Friend...
Current mood: grateful
Category: Writing and Poetry

...and that is a great feeling. As I read this, I felt that connection, the connection I know we all have, the connection that most often is missed, mis-read, mis-felt, mis-missed, etc. We may or may not know we are all connected; not knowing does not make the fact that we are any less; it just makes one less connected with ones-self. or better said, ourselves. Reading something and feeling at the same time "These are My Feelings" is a great gift, an affirmation that we are all connected. The "Power of Myth" series with the late Joseph Campbell talk in detail about this. For this Robert, I thank you; I thank you for connecting with me via connecting with yourself. It was not done for me, you wrote it for yourself, but through writing for yourself, you wrote for me and for that is why I give you my thanks. I too look forward to your blogs/posts/writting, and I appreciate your words, or I guess more honestly, your interest and comments on mine. It helps me grow, as I know someone is listening and connecting with me. So thank you and I hope you have a good 4th and good summer. We will have that beer someday. Looking back at our Hartford days, I bet neither of us would have imagined the friendship we have developed on the internet/myspace 10 years later. Talk to you soon, your friend-charlie

Below is a post my friend Robert wrote that the aforementioned spoke of:



Love in the time of Apathy

"I am fortune's fool". Some might think it odd that I identify so well with tragic romance. After all, many who know me find me emotionally reserved or perhaps even cold. I cannot dispute their impressions of course, but some discover that I possess deep reserves of passion and that I am not inhibited about sharing from them. However, I hope to only show these feelings in appropriate ways and contexts. What many people can't understand is that my emotions are not tied to anyone else's behavior or response. They are mine to keep or give freely according to my will. This attitude has led to much frustration and confusion in my romantic escapades. It is why I can identify with the quoted Romeo, with the real life of Yeats, and especially with courageous Cyrano de Bergerac.

One of my exes broke up with me, returning to her previous boyfriend. Her reason was that I didn't need her like he did. This is probably true, and they have gone on to marry and have a family. I am happy for her and them, and the great love I feel for her remains undiminished. Still, I cannot follow the logic of equating love with need. To my mind they are the inverse of each other. Need, Jealousy, and other emotions are selfish. They are expressions of weakness and insecurity. Love is something given; it cannot be selfish. To alloy it with possessiveness or fear is to debase and demean love.

Love often is too complicated to understand. It is often dangerous to share. Far too frequently, it is confused or muddled with our doubts and deficits. This leads to heartbreak inevitably. It leads to settling for something less than what we want or could have. I have several times fallen in love with women that have been my best friend. Almost without exception these women have reciprocated the attraction and love, but have settled for less because of complacency or fear. They fear the potential of losing me as their friend if the romance fails. They fear the emotional effects upon their lover whom they would have to leave in order to pursue a relationship with me. They are unwilling to risk for love and instead settle for something inferior. This is the great tragedy of romance.

It is hard to be friends and harder still to be lovers. But I will not settle for anything less than my best attempt to unite the two. I will not date for comfort or convenience. Others can accept and get by, but I will hold out for what is real. I cannot say it is forever, but the reward is worth the risk. I certainly will not let doubt or fear formulate my choices.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


Apathy Part II: The Power of Love

There is another side to my opinion about the choices we make in our lovers. I have bemoaned that the objects of my affections choose other lovers because of weakness or fear and I stand by that assertation. However, I sometimes believe that they deliberately choose these lesser men because said choice gives them power and control over the relationship. They choose the man who will never be a responsible partner knowing that this lover will be dependent upon them. They choose the love who is co-dependent so they will always be in control of the relationship.

These choices lead to frustration and dysfunction. They are the ruin of any real opportunity at a loving relationship. Once again I aver: Love is about freedom and never about power. Love is liberty not bondage. I will never be a slave.

---The following is a post Robert and Christina, in regards to my reposting of his post. Robert and I met in the early/mid 1990's in Hartford Tennessee where we were both River Operation Managers on the Pigeon River, me for Pigeon River Outdoors and he for Wildwater. Not only were we running the river and the river companies, we were also involved in making the Pigeon river what it is as far as the Pigeon River becoming a "New" whitewater river destination in the South East. Those first meetings of the River Council were eventful, little did we know we were soon to become experts on Cocke County Tennessee good ol' boy politics....what a time, and I still say Fuck You Champion Paper Mill, you just wait till I get skin cancer....HA!

Chritina and I met on the river as well. She came toward the end of one season and we became great friends, lost contact, much like Robert and a host of others did (believe it or not, Myspace reunited many of us, and conversations like these happened), reunited and talk often now.

Here it is:
this is to me-

"I am glad that your life is heading in a direction you aspire to. It is affirming when someone for whom I care finds sucess, both professionally and personally. I am also pleased at the connection we have made through this ambiguous tool "MySpace". While I have long considered you a friend, I have been impressed by our effective communication in this medium. Keep your thoughts and feelings coming as I will do likewise.

Posted by FUCT on Wednesday, July 04, 2007 at 1:12 PM
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Naturegirl


i know I didn’t come up with this on my own, so i apologize for not acknowledging the “author”, or the blend of “authors”.

i think it is more than fear, weakness or control. we are taught very young to find “the one” and understand that this will bring us ultimate happiness.

a beautiful maiden fell in love with a handsome prince and they lived happily ever after…and so we keep searching. and somehow you are not “right” if you are alone or can’t find “someone”…so people end up with just “anyone”. never once taking the time to look within themselves and wonder what the hell they are searching for. besides it is harder to look within and find love then search outwardly. there are so many looking for love with no real examples of the love you both are discussing. so this fairytale with individual issues makes for a lot of settling and many unhappy matches.

i sympathize for all parties, in fact i feel for all of us because who do we learn this love from. it is a sense of being alone together. loving yourself. knowing that the love you give this person can never really be felt by the other. some how this reminds you that you are alone in this relationship. and yet, you still choose to give your love freely. knowing yes, this is dangerous, it is scary, it is so damned filling. i wonder if they love me as much or in the same way? why don’t they show love the same way as i? but you know…i can’t help but think…screw it…i do love you, even if the strength of it makes me feel weaker than you, because I also feel contented and joyful and full of life. i know that you are you and I am me. and we are alone together…yes Charlie, we are all connected. if not by love, than our fear of love.

people choose and leave love because the grass looks greener, they feel different (ie. better) when they are with a certain someone, they wear the “pants”, it is easier or harder, they feel smarter, more fun, more beautiful, more complete when they are with that someone. i look back and see all the choices (conscious and unconscious) i made; staying with the “wrong” one too long, leaving the “right” one too soon, comparing past and sideline admirers, feeling superior and then carefree, questioning and ultimately learning, even if unwillingly. finally, choosing to look within and know that i am my greatest lover. and cliché as it may be, the more i loved myself the more i felt loved. how does someone learn this? how does someone teach this?

it reminds me of the celestine prophecy on power struggles. when two half people come together they expect the other to complete them and they end up fighting for energy. when two whole people come together, they are complete, and end up sharing and trading energy. but it is easier to feel needed and most of all it feels good. and this will lead to dysfunction and frustration, especially when the other half person wants to feel needed too.

and now i feel my best friend is my lover. not the kind of love that is so unconditional it is blind, but challenging, learning, questioning and even frustrating. and yet i think we understand each other, not control or own. but most times, because we are human and we are still learning and growing, we are making room for my identity, his identity and our identity all in the same bed.

i am not as eloquent as either of you, but i “love” the love you are describing and reaching for. i “love” that you question and learn from love. most importantly i “love” that you won’t settle. and in the end, i “love” that one day you will be able to share this love with someone and be a model for others to LOVE.
Namaste

Posted by Naturegirl on Friday, July 06, 2007 at 1:32 PM
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