My Blog

"Love in the time of Apathy" - a converstion with a friend - repost from myspace

Grand Poobah — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 01:01:47 GMT

a re-post of a series of posts an old friend and I shared on myspace that I want to share as much as possible, and don't fret, I got the other authors permission before I re-posted.... Tuesday, July 03, 2007 My thoughts written by my Friend... Current mood: grateful Category: Writing and Poetry ...and that is a great feeling. As I read this, I felt that connection, the connection I know we all have, the connection that most often is missed, mis-read, mis-felt, mis-missed, etc. We may or may not know we are all connected; not knowing does not make the fact that we are any less; it just makes one less connected with ones-self. or better said, ourselves. Reading something and feeling at the same time "These are My Feelings" is a great gift, an affirmation that we are all connected. The "Power of Myth" series with the late Joseph Campbell talk in detail about this. For this Robert, I thank you; I thank you for connecting with me via connecting with yourself. It was not done for me, you wrote it for yourself, but through writing for yourself, you wrote for me and for that is why I give you my thanks. I too look forward to your blogs/posts/writting, and I appreciate your words, or I guess more honestly, your interest and comments on mine. It helps me grow, as I know someone is listening and connecting with me. So thank you and I hope you have a good 4th and good summer. We will have that beer someday. Looking back at our Hartford days, I bet neither of us would have imagined the friendship we have developed on the internet/myspace 10 years later. Talk to you soon, your friend-charlie Below is a post my friend Robert wrote that the aforementioned spoke of: Love in the time of Apathy "I am fortune's fool". Some might think it odd that I identify so well with tragic romance. After all, many who know me find me emotionally reserved or perhaps even cold. I cannot dispute their impressions of course, but some discover that I possess deep reserves of passion and that I am not inhibited about sharing from them. However, I hope to only show these feelings in appropriate ways and contexts. What many people can't understand is that my emotions are not tied to anyone else's behavior or response. They are mine to keep or give freely according to my will. This attitude has led to much frustration and confusion in my romantic escapades. It is why I can identify with the quoted Romeo, with the real life of Yeats, and especially with courageous Cyrano de Bergerac. One of my exes broke up with me, returning to her previous boyfriend. Her reason was that I didn't need her like he did. This is probably true, and they have gone on to marry and have a family. I am happy for her and them, and the great love I feel for her remains undiminished. Still, I cannot follow the logic of equating love with need. To my mind they are the inverse of each other. Need, Jealousy, and other emotions are selfish. They are expressions of weakness and insecurity. Love is something given; it cannot be selfish. To alloy it with possessiveness or fear is to debase and demean love. Love often is too complicated to understand. It is often dangerous to share. Far too frequently, it is confused or muddled with our doubts and deficits. This leads to heartbreak inevitably. It leads to settling for something less than what we want or could have. I have several times fallen in love with women that have been my best friend. Almost without exception these women have reciprocated the attraction and love, but have settled for less because of complacency or fear. They fear the potential of losing me as their friend if the romance fails. They fear the emotional effects upon their lover whom they would have to leave in order to pursue a relationship with me. They are unwilling to risk for love and instead settle for something inferior. This is the great tragedy of romance. It is hard to be friends and harder still to be lovers. But I will not settle for anything less than my best attempt to unite the two. I will not date for comfort or convenience. Others can accept and get by, but I will hold out for what is real. I cannot say it is forever, but the reward is worth the risk. I certainly will not let doubt or fear formulate my choices. Tuesday, July 03, 2007 Apathy Part II: The Power of Love There is another side to my opinion about the choices we make in our lovers. I have bemoaned that the objects of my affections choose other lovers because of weakness or fear and I stand by that assertation. However, I sometimes believe that they deliberately choose these lesser men because said choice gives them power and control over the relationship. They choose the man who will never be a responsible partner knowing that this lover will be dependent upon them. They choose the love who is co-dependent so they will always be in control of the relationship. These choices lead to frustration and dysfunction. They are the ruin of any real opportunity at a loving relationship. Once again I aver: Love is about freedom and never about power. Love is liberty not bondage. I will never be a slave. ---The following is a post Robert and Christina, in regards to my reposting of his post. Robert and I met in the early/mid 1990's in Hartford Tennessee where we were both River Operation Managers on the Pigeon River, me for Pigeon River Outdoors and he for Wildwater. Not only were we running the river and the river companies, we were also involved in making the Pigeon river what it is as far as the Pigeon River becoming a "New" whitewater river destination in the South East. Those first meetings of the River Council were eventful, little did we know we were soon to become experts on Cocke County Tennessee good ol' boy politics....what a time, and I still say Fuck You Champion Paper Mill, you just wait till I get skin cancer....HA! Chritina and I met on the river as well. She came toward the end of one season and we became great friends, lost contact, much like Robert and a host of others did (believe it or not, Myspace reunited many of us, and conversations like these happened), reunited and talk often now. Here it is: this is to me- "I am glad that your life is heading in a direction you aspire to. It is affirming when someone for whom I care finds sucess, both professionally and personally. I am also pleased at the connection we have made through this ambiguous tool "MySpace". While I have long considered you a friend, I have been impressed by our effective communication in this medium. Keep your thoughts and feelings coming as I will do likewise. Posted by FUCT on Wednesday, July 04, 2007 at 1:12 PM [Remove] [Reply to this] Naturegirl i know I didn’t come up with this on my own, so i apologize for not acknowledging the “author”, or the blend of “authors”. i think it is more than fear, weakness or control. we are taught very young to find “the one” and understand that this will bring us ultimate happiness. a beautiful maiden fell in love with a handsome prince and they lived happily ever after…and so we keep searching. and somehow you are not “right” if you are alone or can’t find “someone”…so people end up with just “anyone”. never once taking the time to look within themselves and wonder what the hell they are searching for. besides it is harder to look within and find love then search outwardly. there are so many looking for love with no real examples of the love you both are discussing. so this fairytale with individual issues makes for a lot of settling and many unhappy matches. i sympathize for all parties, in fact i feel for all of us because who do we learn this love from. it is a sense of being alone together. loving yourself. knowing that the love you give this person can never really be felt by the other. some how this reminds you that you are alone in this relationship. and yet, you still choose to give your love freely. knowing yes, this is dangerous, it is scary, it is so damned filling. i wonder if they love me as much or in the same way? why don’t they show love the same way as i? but you know…i can’t help but think…screw it…i do love you, even if the strength of it makes me feel weaker than you, because I also feel contented and joyful and full of life. i know that you are you and I am me. and we are alone together…yes Charlie, we are all connected. if not by love, than our fear of love. people choose and leave love because the grass looks greener, they feel different (ie. better) when they are with a certain someone, they wear the “pants”, it is easier or harder, they feel smarter, more fun, more beautiful, more complete when they are with that someone. i look back and see all the choices (conscious and unconscious) i made; staying with the “wrong” one too long, leaving the “right” one too soon, comparing past and sideline admirers, feeling superior and then carefree, questioning and ultimately learning, even if unwillingly. finally, choosing to look within and know that i am my greatest lover. and cliché as it may be, the more i loved myself the more i felt loved. how does someone learn this? how does someone teach this? it reminds me of the celestine prophecy on power struggles. when two half people come together they expect the other to complete them and they end up fighting for energy. when two whole people come together, they are complete, and end up sharing and trading energy. but it is easier to feel needed and most of all it feels good. and this will lead to dysfunction and frustration, especially when the other half person wants to feel needed too. and now i feel my best friend is my lover. not the kind of love that is so unconditional it is blind, but challenging, learning, questioning and even frustrating. and yet i think we understand each other, not control or own. but most times, because we are human and we are still learning and growing, we are making room for my identity, his identity and our identity all in the same bed. i am not as eloquent as either of you, but i “love” the love you are describing and reaching for. i “love” that you question and learn from love. most importantly i “love” that you won’t settle. and in the end, i “love” that one day you will be able to share this love with someone and be a model for others to LOVE. Namaste Posted by Naturegirl on Friday, July 06, 2007 at 1:32 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]"

"Spotless Mind in a Vanilla Sky" - more shit by me, your thoughts on my writting makes my writting better, and makes your thoughts utilized

Grand Poobah — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:45:12 GMT

Love conquers all Yea it's True It's just a parasite Just like me and you Spreading like diseases Just like cancer grows Just like us humans From the creator we know Love Conquers everything We know it's true Love conquers everything Let the lotus fold You almost had me believing Yet your believing fell thru The set up was everything Now it is dead, no me, no me and You Talkin' to the last one A friend I now have back Talking to the last one What, why with all it lacks Yes, Yes & Yes Is now I'm done with You You pulled the trigger You made it over You made the best chance For me to love a lover Love lost.. Yes such a cost Gone forever Now I am One of us

"A Dream to Come" - more stuff I wrote, feel free to comment, feedback makes me better

Grand Poobah — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:38:02 GMT

I am old now Not old like you think of old when you are young and beautiful but old when you think of old when you are old. The days are all short now not just in the winter I've had a good life a long happy road I have been on. . . just thinking back on it all it seems as a dream. . .looking back now the waking eye is blinking

more stuff I wrote....

Grand Poobah — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:25:21 GMT

Round, Circling till I can't stop Deep in the depths Depths of the deepest bottom Bottom from the top of tomorrow Top of all of yesterdays sorrow Sorrow, feeling nothing Nothing, till it fills all the way to the bottom Start at the top to set up the fall Again Again, I start to feel Only the pain it's all again too real Reel, really reel it in I can't cause I'll lose all feelin' Scream, shouting out in pain Even if anyone was listening All would hear the same Silence, not a pin drop from me Yet screaming, piercing all eternity Only the godly can hear Deafening it must be to their ears For they do not come Come to a pain, why would I ever befriend something That can be blind in the ears of such a scream But maybe its me Me that hurts so bad Not allowing myself to see Answers, blinded by my own eternity

more stuff I wrote...."Dead to Me" feel free to comment, feedback makes me better

Grand Poobah — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:16:22 GMT

I look back at you Like a long lost friend Looking back to the end A friend, we made no amends I think of you now Like a friend who past away Your dead to me But I think of you everyday I just want to let you go No closure For me Dead Gone Forever's too long I can't run any longer One step Is one step I won't go any further I can see your hair Golden in the setting sun I can't love That went with the death of you Picture in my mind It's so unkind A memory of love Left haunting me Memories All the bad ones gone Just the good times Left in my mind Never to be spoken of Only left to rot In my blackened soul Love, what I want I know not Can't give anymore this cup in my hand at the end of the day lay my head down only to stay awake fill the cup again just to sleep your not in my dreams a place of peace only to wake again your death in my face the phone's been picked up a thousand times now the number's fading from my mind I would have called the other day Finally felt the need number slipped away dead again glad we didn't speak once again leaving you dead in a song

1st of Many Parts

Grand Poobah — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 07:17:28 GMT

The 1st three chapters of--------- "wE aLL nEED gLASSES" written by Charles de Saussure Eubanks CHAPTER (ONE)(I)(1) Two people, or forms of beings if you will, gender matters not, Bump into each other one day, Both were running errands of significant importance in their lives, Minute in the grand scheme, but significant nonetheless, "Are you a Martian?" one says. The other leans over slowly, cautiously, surely… "No," he says "I am a Plutonian." "I hear ya" the first says, "More to the point, how did we both end up on Earth, in the desert on the side of the road in Texas, especially us, I mean the two of us, a Martian and a Plutonian, and on Earth for (insert your higher power here)'s sake" "I think you , as you Martians always do, miss the point!" the plutonian curtly barks. "You consistently forget the Plutonian rule of 3D, or x, y, z as some of you infantile refer to the great rule" CHAPTER (TWO)(II)(2) A junta descends upon the night sky and blankets all that is known. But instead of suffocating all it covers, much as the previous layer had, it lifts the oppression off the land and frees it to breath again. Fiddler's Green was changing again, dawning a new age, yet all where still blind. Not that they could ever see. CHAPTER (THREE)(III)(3) Walking still, the two strangers thrust forward together mysteriously, at least to all but a few it is mysterious looking. They didn't notice, not that they were as blind as the inhabitants of the planet they were on, but the tumbleweed was following them. And you can bet that the tumbleweed is oblivious to what is following it, I am not sure myself who that is, or maybe it is just us? Funny how we can see something, even pay attention to it, and still be BLIND. ---to be continued, starting with chapter (five)(5)(V), chapter (four)(4)(IV) was sensored by the powers that be, never to be released---

2nd of Many Parts

Grand Poobah — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 07:15:49 GMT

"We All Need Glasses", Chapters 4, Five, VI and (IV+3) Category: Writing and Poetry "wE aLL nEED gLASSES" written by Charles de Saussure Eubanks CHAPTER (FOUR)(IV)(4) ****CLASSIFIED*** ****SENSORED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU AND SECRET**** ****NOT FOR YOUR EYES*** CHAPTER (FIVE)(V)(5) The blast of sheer white light was searing and left all in the vicinity blind for what seemed like and eternity. Those close enough to it to not be incinerated were knocked clear to the ground. Those asleep or anyone even with their eyes closed at the time were still left without sight. The strange thing was, well stranger than the fact the blast has yet to be explained, the strange part was that all those who had been deemed legally blind up to that point could now see. Those who were color blind are still color blind, but those people who were blind as bats, well they could now see, and they have radar. Devon couldn't explain it to anyone. Only Fred knew him as they lived on the edge of the desert. On the edge of the edge with more desert that is. And Fred had been knocked down by the blast where he hit his head and left this world for good. It was at this time that Devon see's two people walking by his trailer. "HELLO!!!" Devon yells out… The Martian and his plutonian travel partner halt in their tracks, looking at each other bewildered. "How on earth can he see us?" say the Martian. "How on Earth or anywhere else for that matter?" says our Plutonian. "Hey, Hey, help, my friend over here hit is head and won't get up…." The two aliens walk over to the trailer door where Devon ushers them in. Just as the door shuts, the tumbleweed rolls up to the steps and settles in the dust. Bats start circling above the trailer. CHAPTER (SIX)(VI)(6) Fiddler's Green is starting to feel the first drops of rain on what will go down in the books as the longest rain storm ever. You thought 40 days and 40 nights was a long time, well not anymore. It never floods though; I guess the Earth is thirsty. I know its inhabitants are thirsty, having a thirst for knowledge that has never before been seen, and having a new found capacity to soak it in and actually see clearly for a change. Yes, Fiddlers green is Changing, and as blind as they are, people are starting to see. There are at certain times in history, matters not if it is known history or not, at certain times there is clarity. And even when things are spelled out clearly, when the collective conciseness understands and see's clearly, it is clouded in its understanding. BLIND CHAPTER (SEVEN)(VII)(7) *******SEE CHAPTER (FOUR)(IV)(4)******* 3:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove