Male

I am an emotionally well rounded southern gentleman who enjoys being pulled out of my absorbed activities to go on new and spontaneous adventures. Very logical and rational, but with sharp wit and a highly developed feeling capacity for others. I enjoy periodic spirited debate and discussion on a wide range and depth of topics, academic or otherwise, but in a tolerant and non-confrontational way. I LOVE to laugh, and I do so much enjoy regular social interaction and sophisticated social graces, but I also require some solitude to recharge my batteries and pursue my special interests. My anima is intuitive, bubbly, fun, and able to maintain a wide array of social contacts, but also able to get beneath the surface of a person or situation pretty quickly. She loves life and people. Somewhat independant, but more important to have a mature and developed sense of emotional honesty. She is an idealist who wants to move mountains, not for the sake of moving them, but for the adventures along the way and the lives we change. Artistic ability and expression is all the better. Her excitement is contagious, and she exhibits an almost childlike enthusiasm and excitement over her interests, which are many. She loves to try new things, and enjoys bringing me out of my shell to participate. She is intelligent, and able to get beneath the surface of a situation quickly, but she is also able to be silly and fun on a regular basis. She is a deeply feeling person capable of empathy for others, and she has the capacity to give her WHOLE heart in a relationship, and she knows what to do when she receives it back. Her emotion allows her the capacity to be hurt, but she exhibits no fear in seeking that significant other. She understands the payoff, what it takes to produce a healthy relationship, and how to protect it. She is not afraid of loving someone deeply, and this enables her to be loved deeply. She is not afraid of being with someone who takes (very) calculated financial risk, and is willing to roll with punches life gives for better or worse. Wants to experience life and be part of something bigger than herself.

Questions I am curious about:
1. Deep down, everyone wants to be loved, but almost no one thinks that it really exists. Why is it that people ruin what could be by trying to play head/heart games? And most are not even good at it?
2. (a) What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone else? (b) How did they react? (c) How did you feel about their reaction? (d) Would you do it again? (e) If you did it again, or something similar, what would you do differently?
3. (a) If you had to make a choice between loving someone completely, but having to deal with anxiety about how your bills would be paid the next month, and loving someone in a content kind of way, but having a steady stream of income, which would you choose? (b) Why?
4. (a) True or False: All is fair in Love and War. (b) Elaborate.
5. (a) How do you "create" romance? (b) Do you distinguish this as seperate from love, or connected in some way?
6. (a) In issues of love and friendship, which do you follow more, your head or your heart? (b) if you follow your head more, has there been a time where your heart just did what it wanted anyway? How did it turn out? (c) if you follow your heart more, has there been a time where your head had to overrule your heart for your own well-being? How did it turn out?
7. (a) What is the difference between Passionate love and Compassionate love? (b) Which do you want? (c) Why? (d) How do you/would create one or the other (or both) with your partner?
8. What color is the rain? (a metaphor, be imaginative. I am looking for depth)
9. What color is happiness?

MY ANSWERS

Questions you may answer to start a conversation with me:

1. Deep down, everyone wants to be loved, but almost no one thinks that it really exists. Why is it that people ruin what could be by trying to play head/heart games? And most are not even good at it?

Love is a give and take concept. This breaks down into four subcatagories. "Giving" yourself to others, "Taking" of yourself by others, "Giving" from others to you (or receiving), and you "Taking" from others. Early in our lives, we get really good at the "giving from others" part, as love from our parents and siblings is as near unconditional as it can get. Some of the more agressive types may learn the "taking from others" part as well. However, it is not until most of us get older and have matured through adolescence that we learn how to "give ourself to others", as we may have learned a small part of this during adolescence when sexual desire is new and very high. The real giving goes far beyond that, though, as sacrifice of our time and wants to another human being. Love is both selfish and selfless at the same time.

I think most people are good at the "receiving from others part", but few are good at the "giving yourself to others" part. We all want, but not very many know how to give. To a smaller degree, some don't know how to allow themselves to be "taken by others", or how to "take from others" in a just way.

Trust is placed with difficulty, and destroyed with ease. It really takes two people who are willing to *risk* being hurt (over and over), and who have mastered at least the giving and receiving parts to make it work and develop a relationship. It takes mastering the "taking" and "being taken" to sustain a relationship over a long time.

The games come from trying to reduce our risk (of being hurt or of having to give part of ourselves) while trying to maximize our reward (obtaining someone who we think is perfect for us-- even beyond our own delusions of how we measure up, or by trying to measure up by concealing who we are).

Most are not "good at it" because if they understand the art, they don't understand the rules, and if they understand the rules, they don't understand the art. The rules are not spoken. They go unsaid. The art is what works in the eye of the beholder, but also it must work for you. There is a fundamental flow of respect and admiration for those we deam as our equals, and those who we can balance ourselves against as we dance though life in the many harmonies of it's many tunes.

2. (a) What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone else? (b) How did they react? (c) How did you feel about their reaction? (d) Would you do it again? (e) If you did it again, or something similar, what would you do differently?

(a) I have done may selfish things. I have also done some selfless ones. The most selfless has been to suffer physically and emotionally while supporting a family.

(b) They do not want me. They do not appreciate me. They have no knowledge of my sacrifice.

(c) I feel angry. I feel cheated.

(d) Yes. I would give myself completely and freely again.

(e) I would do it differently. I would choose a different personality partner. One that I compliment, and one who loves life. I would "take" when I needed to. I would voice my concerns loudly when I believe I should, or more gently when I think I should. I still would not dominate forcefully, but I would be heard, understood and respected. I would behave less selfishly is some ways, or more selfishly in other ways, even while acting more selflessly over all.

3. (a) If you had to make a choice between loving someone completely, but having to deal with anxiety about how your bills would be paid the next month, and loving someone in a content kind of way, but having a steady stream of income, which would you choose? (b) Why?

I want to love someone completely. Life is too short. In the end, nothing is certain anyway. Love her completely, love her deeply, love her now.

4. (a) True or False: All is fair in Love and War. (b) Elaborate.

False. All is not fair in love or war, but it is what it is. And seldom is ANY of it fair. Fair is a rational concept. Love and War are both passionate concepts, which are derived primarily from the feeling functions, which are not rational. I would take, without remorse, in Love or War if pushed to do so for my own passionate happiness or well being or physical survival. It would not be a first resort. My first resort is more compassionate, and rational. It would be a last resort. But I would do it, and it may not be fair.

It wouldn't be without my own personal ethics, either. I will not cheat. I will not throw away a relationship for no reason. But if it isn't working , then yes, I will move on and people will be hurt. Maybe even myself.

5. (a) How do you "create" romance? (b) Do you distinguish this as seperate from love, or connected in some way?

(a) There are three skillsets involved in relationships. Romance is a special skillset, and has a role in (i) initiating relationships and (ii) enhancing relationships. The skillsets it takes to create romance will NOT develop a relationship, nor will it sustain one by itself. Romance involves the cat and mouse games of reading between the lines for subtle cues, and responding likewise by creating the sublte cues. The chemistry is created by understanding what your partner responds to, and what their signals look like. The skill involves tuning your feelings to that of your partner, learning to rapidly read their subtle signals, and respond with what they perceive as subtle cues from you. We expose only general and need to know information to elevate the feelings to the next level, of which their are many, and what is left unsaid (negative space) is left to the imagination of the receiver. A receiver with a strong imagination will elevate quickly. Ability to transmit and receive is necessary.

(b) Romance is seperate from love. But it can also be an initiation into it (fun!), and an extension of it (makes life worth living!.. Like spicey food!)

6. (a) In issues of love and friendship, which do you follow more, your head or your heart? (b) if you follow your head more, has there been a time where your heart just did what it wanted anyway? How did it turn out? (c) if you follow your heart more, has there been a time where your head had to overrule your heart for your own well-being? How did it turn out?

(a) I leap with my heart, and steer with my head. It is difficult for me to admit, but it is true.

(b) Yes. It was the best relationship of my life. I was 16.

(c) I do not follow my heart more than my head, but I have had to "overrule" my heart with my head before for my own well being.

7. (a) What is the difference between Passionate love and Compassionate love? (b) Which do you want? (c) Why? (d) How would you create one or the other (or both) with me?

Passionate love is selfish. It is "me taking from her" (and her from me) as well as "me receiving from her" (and her from me). It is making love and devouring each other under the veranda of a hotel room 5 feet from my sleeping uncle because we cannot "wait" another 4 weeks to see each other... it is having your feelings hurt and being jealous of another, so that you try to make yourself a better person. It is trying to impress her and win her over, and not being able to contain yourself or your feelings while they spill out all over her... and she doesn't care because she wants you just as badly.

Compassionate love is selfless. It is "giving myself to her" as well as "allowing myself to be taken by her". It is "stirring the oatmeal" type of love. Doing what needs to be done every day. holding her hand when when she is afraid. Listening when i don't want to. Doing the dishes so she can go out with her friends. Not saying anything when she wants to spend our money on a new car for herself because she needs one, and because she had enough respect for me to mention it.

8. What color is the rain? (a metaphor, be imaginative. I am looking for depth)

My rain is bourbon by blood between bullets and sand, lavender like little soldiers leaning strong, blue by babies burdoned before birth, but beautiful white while cleansing clear our air we breathe between.

9. What color is happiness?

Happiness is a rainbow of colors, a variety that prints against itself it's own relief and change. It is cyclic, and contains the saddness necessary so that we appreciate the good, but no more saddness than necessary, and not so much happiness that we take if for granted. The dark colors that accentuate the vibrant ones, so that we KNOW they are there. 75% vibrant colors, and 25% dark ones are a good mix... lest we forget.