I still haven't found that special someone to say those 3 magic words to...."guess you'll do!"

Normally I prefer to meet women the old fashion way; in a smokey bar, when my eyes are red and stinging and my mind is in a blurred, alcohol induced, semi-lucid state and when I'm under the pressure of a 2am closing time and surrounded by bicep-bulging, seroid-poping, raisin-testicaled, no-necked closet homos. Giving me those looks that I haven't seen since I was an Alter boy at St. Vincent’s. But as I get older I meet more and more stupid women out there who don’t even know their own phone number. Invariably it's the number of a restaurant or something. When I call I'm so disappointed & then I usually just end up ordering take-out....my fragile ego shredded.

Lately it seems I never get to talk to women without having to give my credit card number.

I have my reservations about the whole Relationship/ Marriage thing. Did you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce? They’re not even counting the ones that end with: asphyxiation, arson, bludgeoning, drowning and gun play…… I’m only up to the “G’s” here, but you get my drift.

But recently I’ve been having this recurring dream / fantasy that the world is struck by a giant meteoroid and only Gwen Stafanies 5 Asian back-up dancers and I survive to repopulate the planet. Until then it's just me and Vinyl Valerie. But I can’t wait for the meteoroid to meet my dream girl. This is the 21st century! The internet is the biggest paradigm shift since the cotton gin, so I figure....why not give this a shot.

Now most of you women are wondering why you can't find any attractive, sensitive, considerate, caring men out there; well most of them already have boyfriends! So consider me!

I’m racially tolerant too. All women are welcome, any race or creed, but you Muslim women might have to hike up the hemlines on your Burqas. And I don’t want any hassles from old boyfriends from the homeland, particularly the suicidal ones with the dishcloth headdress and semtex jockstraps. Allah-Ack-ba, or whatever to you.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a racist and there isn't a bigoted bone in my body. You see I believe that if we all could only take the time to talk to these people, spend time with them and truly get to know them, we will find many more valid, solid, concrete reasons to TRULY hate them!

Oh yes, I should mention that I have no exotic diseases; my last mysterious rash was some time ago. Potty training reeked havoc on my little buttocks, ass and genitalia! (can I say that on here? Let me know if you like this kinda talk?)

I'm 6'-2" and 195 LBS, and not bad looking. In fact, girls will tell me quite candidly -after I email them my picture- that the first thing they say to themselves is, "Hmmmm, I've slept with worse......" Others say, "Hmmmm, I've slept with worse......but I can't remember when." So that's good. Right? I'm not gray, balding or fat. I can email you a picture too, IF U SEND ME YOURS. (and a bit of info on yourself) I'm athletic, non-smoker, health conscious, self-employed. I enjoy reading, documentaries, news shows, current affairs, staying in touch with friends, and I play sports regularly. I'm easy to get a long with. I'm also a Chippendale's dancer and I race speedboats. I have never been married and have no baggage.....other than my son Samson(ite) & daughter Carrie (on). HA HA.

Samson is of working age now and I seldom see him but he writes me. They keep him very busy working 16-hour days usually 6 or 7 days a week. I've attached a picture of him having his work break. He works for Kathy Lee Gifford (He quit his job at NIKE) She's so sweet but a real taskmaster! He tells me that he is working in a cold & damp converted reconnaissance tunnel somewhere in the Mekong Delta. I say, "How exotic...now quit griping son, I didn't raise a whiner." Just keep sending those pay cheques home!

But I'll be honest...and this scares some women off of me, but between you and me I still have 2 small kids at home with me. But not for long, they will be leaving here as soon as the ransom is paid.

Now just to show my warm and fuzzy side, I've also attached a picture of my wuvable wasklie wittle doggie. Because he likes to cuddle on my lap, I call him LAPTOP. I was going to call him Palm Pilot cause that was a name they gave me when I was going through puberty. I had it rough as a kid. You know I was once kicked out of the Cub Scouts for eating a Brownie. But I digress...on this day LAPTOP had a little accident.....but I WUV him.

Look, I'm soooo soooo lonely and my life is a f*%$en mess. Please, Please Please Please respond!! I used to have a girlfriend all to myself but about a year ago she chewed through the ropes and left me. Maybe it was for the best. Usually it's ME who gets rid of the THEM....but afterwards I always feel so guilty....and then there's the search.....then the investigation....then the trial. I just hate all that stuff. And besides, it ruins it for ever hitting on their sisters. That b*#ch used to call me, "..egotistical, self centered and dishonest!" DISHONEST!? .....I wasn't the one faking orgasms!

Remember Ladies: (and I think I speak for most men) We'd rather be knowingly ineffective than deceived.

I should have known that little tramp was trouble… I still remember that first night we met; she spotted my condom and said, "Good choice! I see you are using the lubricated ribbed TROJAN with the reservoir tip." ("Reservoir" is a rather grandiose word for what I'm putting out...) But it is somewhat disconcerting when your new partner displays condom brand loyalty.

Sure I still date a little. My friends are always setting me up with blind dates but, if the truth be known; I prefer blindfolded dates. But what is it with all these women who have cats? They talk incessantly about them. You go to pick up a girl for a date and she'll say, "..do u want to come in and meet my cat?"
I'm thinking, "No!......but you're close!"

I hope I don't sound too desperate? Sometimes I can scare girls off like that. Especially at bars. Often after I've had my eighth or ninth drink, I'll get the courage to stagger over to an attractive girl that I had been thinking about and admiring and tell her flat out, "the voices in my head told me I should come and talk to you". But my admiration is usually unrequited.

I will now wait beside my soggy keyboard for your response.... and I will be holding out for my Ms. Right... that special one...for my true soul mate... because I figure if Siegfried could find Roy (another lisping, botoxed, heavily accented, lover of Royal White Tigers with similar wind-tunnel looks, a homo AND A MAGICIAN TO BOOT!! (WHAT ARE THE FREAKEN CHANCES?)) then surely my meager requirements will be easily met. . . G

ps: I've been getting a bit of hate mail from some ball-busting, radical femi-nazis with your conspiracy theory views. You know who you are, you're out there running around with your "Lorena Bobbit for surgeon general" & "humpty dumpty was pushed" T-Shirts and bumper stickers. And please, no one else need tell me to take my son's picture off of the web. I'm also getting calls from Child Welfare people, the Green River cold-case task force and the pig farm investigators. But I'm confident that the DNA tests will clear up that silly matter. . . . g