Lets Look, Shall We

I'm not Sleeping

   Sun, August 5, 2007 - 12:30 AM
Most everything seems... well... 'off' lately. Like I could just fall off the grid altogether and never see me again. I'm seeing things right before I fall asleep and sometimes they create feelings strong enough to jolt me out of Euphoria, sometimes I slip past' em and sometimes they rear when I'm wide awake.

What things? Well that's hard to explain. Feeling things that I've never felt and don't have a word for. Feelings that are me, but not a me that I'm aware of at the current moment in time.

I can't remember the last time I had a dream that left me with something beautiful to feel. My dreams have not been nightmares but have not left me with anything special either. I'm observing more in my dreams rather than *being* in my dreams and feeling in my dreams. Perhaps I'm not afraid anymore in my dreams. Had a dream where someone was trying to kill me earlier today. Didn't much bother me. Course I wasn't lining myself up to be caught, but I felt no terror either. I woke up feeling cheated that this was the dream I remembered.

I feel like I'm less and less of who I was, or thought I was or thought I am. I don't think anything to particular anymore it seems. I'm not depressed or happy or anything really. I just feel like I AM. I don't particularly like the feeling that accompanies this *am* state. Feeling like I'm nothing and like I could disappear off the grid doesn't exactly make me happy : ) But, I'm not sure I'm here to be *happy*. Haven't really been that a whole lot.

Don't know why the hell I *am* here. For where is my magic lately? My piece of silver lining that excites my Soul and tickles my Spirit? I feel like I lost something. But I am also hopeful that in this very strange void, if I don't try to fill it with something pseudo, something profound will grow in place of my prior feeling and understanding of my self? . See! There's my Silver Lining. Just needed a Blog Vent : )

Katrina



4 Comments

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Sun, August 5, 2007 - 5:01 AM
I am knowng this feeling as well...
I think there is a letting go process happening and it doesn't always feel 'right" it kind of just is. I see things and can be effected and don't always like it either. And am slowly trying to figure out the why...some of it I have but I am sitting as a huge jigsaw puzzle and have some pieces that are missing now - I think they went to another puzzle and weren't supposed to be in the box so now I am search for those pieces.

I think in this time it is abut appreciating you for just being you as well...can't explain that one but that "I don't care" sort of feeling comes with that...the just sitting and allowing - and that isn't always easy.

Here's a site that my friend sent me saying she felt like this was what I have been going through: www.starchildglobal.com/ If you go back through the earth logs especially you may see some things in there that resonate with all of this...I hope it helps in some way...it doesn't alleviate all of the confusion but it at least shows you something about what is going on and how it may be effecting you and may give some answers...
Sun, August 5, 2007 - 9:43 AM
Hi Trixie
I didn't sleep well last night. I was in a total state of acceptance, however strange it felt but very frightened at the same time. I haven't explained this to anyone but I've felt like something was coming. Felt like I was going to die. I understand how easy it is to sometimes misidentify these feelings with ego death or death of a emotion that no longer suits us.. But I usually talk about those things. This was different.

Earlier in the day yesterday, like I mentioned, I had a dream someone was trying to hurt me..and my friend and my fiancee. Right after I wrote the blog last night I went to my room and said to my sleeping fiancee "I'm scared", right before I laid down. I woke up at 5am from another bad dream that I couldn't remember but I looked over and my fiancee was tossing and turning and talking in his sleep.. mumbling. He was out of sorts. When he finally came out of it he flew to the bathroom, got violently ill and came back to bed. Whenever he's here and 'out there' at the same time his body takes a really hard hit and he ends up getting sick pretty badly.

He woke up knowing he was supposed to tell me something but he couldn't remember what it was and I couldn't understand him in his sleep. A few minutes later I randomly started telling him about my dream earlier in the day when he was falling back asleep.. When out of the blue he says "Don't go to Missy's House" at a certain time that I won't mention here just incase. Missy was the person in my dream earlier when someone was trying to hurt me. I wasn't afraid but when he said that I cried and cried fearing something terrible is going to happen to a close dear friend of mine. She's a single Mom that lives on her own and I've had so many off feelings about her lately.

My fiancee did not remember saying any of this. Someone, something, somewhere is watching for me. I bawled like a kid last night, out of fear & out of gratefulness.

Katrina
Sun, August 5, 2007 - 2:47 PM
I know the feeling you mean. It is actually sort of an energetic 'eye of the storm'. It's the stillness that we are not used to - in between being 'ourself' (or who we *think* we are - which takes a lot of energy). And fully knowing who we *really* are. I think it's meant to be a kind of settling period in order for us to be able to handle the pure Truth when it comes. I know it can feel frusterating though because we have been so used to alwyas having something to feel, to do, to think, to be.... and now... we realize we are absolutely nothing (but and important piece of the nothing puzzle) ... and still, this is right before you fully realize that you are absolutely everything simultaneously.... and at that point you will find god, for you know will kow that you *are* god (both absolutely nothing and absolutely evrything - all at once).
Sun, August 5, 2007 - 2:52 PM
By the way, I have had dreams like that before... and dreaming that someone is going to kill you is really meaning a deep spiritual change. If you see someone else killing someone you know - that person is going to cause a great change in the other. This is the one dream interpretation that doesn't change very much. This representation has been known since the time of the ancient Egyptians.... Don't worry. It's actually a good sign.