Lets Look, Shall We

Once Upon

   Wed, March 12, 2008 - 9:33 PM
Well, you know how that title finishes. .
. .I used to write, a lot. And now I don't.

I've noticed a heightening dischord within me when I don't write. I believe this, in whatever form be it pen and ink or type and font, to be my witness, something sacred in a place and time where not much else is.

Today I gave up. Everything. I kneeled with my head on the ground and exhaled the past 3 years of my life. You could call it "blowing a kiss to God" and exhaled everything in me that has burdened me. I breathed out things that I didn't want to give away but understand completely that I need to. Tears streamed not down my face, but up it due to the angle and between the middle area of my forehead pooled a small lake of worry, fear, anger and any other emotion that sits atop my shoulders slowing down my journey. I slid my hands forward, still hanging my head heavy into the floor, and offered all of it to God. And believe me "God" is a mighty word for me to use. I don't weild that term around lightly. The word itself scares me a little because of it's percieved and sometimes felt, emptiness/everything-ness duality.

I realized about half way through this that I was giving up my weight, to me. There existed a duality in what God meant to me. I needed something to openly recieve what I was giving but I also needed to maintain my sense of responsibility. Imagine yourself handing an extremely heavy bag of junk over to yourself. Or better yet, imagine a heavy bag of junk on your shoulders . . so heavy that you can barely walk and this bag finally forces you down to your knees. If you were stupider and perhaps a bit more stubborn, maybe you could bear the bag's weight for a few more years. . But in my case, I have always known an infinitely stronger and wiser me walks with me step by step. I simply ignore her presence.

While you're on your knees you realize you're not alone and this 'other' you has the strength of the Universe to hold as big a bag of shit you want to hand over. But it won't take it from you unless you consciencly choose to give it away. Guess this is Free Will in a nutshell. While handing this bag over, I also gave with it my psuedo sense of pride. Felt both good and bad to do that. I felt truly empty. And in that emptiness I felt held or watched over. I truly had the sense that I am not in this alone. And for that, my puddle grew a tad larger.

At the end, I can't tell you exactly what I felt. Maybe something along the lines of "Where do I go from here? How do I walk with God?"
Remember that I don't use the word God as a seperate entity. I fully realize, or have faith that God and I are one in the same. I picture me (the mini me : ) walking alongside me (the ginormous, literally a hundred times my size, me) holding hands. That's what I feel I've been missing - aknowledging that there is a great hand to hold. Reaching upwards is frightening because once we connect there's no disconnecting in this life, I go where she decides and so far she's just followed me, waiting for "mini me" to gain enough wisdom to look up and say hello.

I've acknowledged her. Reaching up is another story entirely.


add a comment
Wed, March 12, 2008 - 10:32 PM
Congratulations. ;)
Thu, March 13, 2008 - 8:44 AM
Thanks Jaz ; )
Thu, December 18, 2008 - 10:44 PM
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
Fri, December 19, 2008 - 5:16 PM
I haven't read that in a long time. Long enough to forget it almost. Thank you for posting it. Still brings a tear with some resonate goosebumps to follow.