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Where has she gone?

   Thu, January 14, 2010 - 8:30 PM
A beautiful stranger wrote me, imparting kind thoughts on my behalf... A person he does not know. As I read his words, my heart sank. What hit me with a quickness was, "I'm not this woman, not deserving of such an honor in anyone's mind." The truth is, I'm sicker than I've been ever. I feel death around every corner and cherish the moments when he's not looming over me. Those precious few moments I have left of feeling normal. I don't necessarily feel 'sorry' for myself. I feel angry that I don't know how to be a graceful creature and be sick. The illness I have is so God damn undignified.

Who we become in the basement of our live's, unfortunately determines our worth as sentient, lucid beings. At least, I believe it does. I feel like I brought no light with me into the basement of my world. I've ventured here slowly over the past 2 years and have lost the connection with my Self, my Dignity, my Will. Is this what being sick does to people? I'm not angry with anyone, just myself. And I'm not all that mad anymore, that's faded for the most part. I believe I'm at a loss. Every time I put a piece or two of myself back together again, inevitably something will stroll along and kick the puzzle into a jumbled mess, once again. I reposition, and start at it once more. I need eyes in the back of my Soul I tell you!

My heart keeps reminding me that this process I'm going through is not a prelude to death, it's a prelude to Life. To learning how to truly Live and appreciate the golden moments. How to recognize them and hold them in my mind until my mind slips into eternity. I've lost so much time, time when I was healthy. I chased sounds in the dark. Never knowing what I was after. I can see clearer now, even though I feel so lost. How does the adage go.. You have to be lost to be found? I have Faith.. still. I haven't lost it. I will take this, embrace it yet and churn it into something I can look back pridefully on. I have to or there's no point in my existence, and is there a greater waste of energy than that? We must all find and hold true to our purpose, as jaded or clear as it may be. Love to you all and Hope.



5 Comments

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Fri, January 15, 2010 - 8:51 PM
Crap, lady, that really sucks.

while I don't need to tell you that I know where you're coming from on this stuff, let me remind you also that short days and wintertime blues are a very real thing, and makes everything about chronic illness seem even more distressing- I'm sure there's a good biological basis for this, like Vitamin D levels from lack of sunlight exposure, etc.

I'm watching quite a few relatively healthy people around me, some of whom have no reason to be depressed or have mental health issues, fall victim to hopelessness and depression and even suicidal depression this month, all due to winter blues, I'm guessing. It's even harder on those of us with physical illness issues.

Next year I'm planning on... planning a 'winter blues party' for late January, so that my depressed-despite-themselves friends have an exciting thing to plan (and hopefully plan all together) between the 'traditional' holidays rush and the season when things pick back up again. I'm hoping that doing something creative like a Skillshare get-together, that requires a bunch of people to work on projects to prepare for their presentation/workshop/creative activity during this event, will help my friends take their minds off of their personal winter blues a little.
Sat, January 16, 2010 - 12:49 AM
That's such a great idea! Hey, nothin spells some good writing like depression though ~ Here's looking on the brighter side of the darker half.. : ) I think a Winter Blues Party is such a fantastic idea. The end of January, beginning of Feb is perfect timing. Thanks for the kind words. You are a vessel of understanding and hope.
Unsu...
 
Sat, January 16, 2010 - 8:01 AM
Some years ago I kept a journal, with regular daily entries, for a year. A couple of years later, I looked through it and was dismayed to find that it seemed to consist of nothing but moan, moan, moan, when in retrospect I didn't recall having been particularly unhappy at the time. I suppose that's because things that disturb, annoy or upset me need some sort of working through, while happy experiences are usually complete in themselves and require no further comment.

I recently started a new journal, bearing this in mind. But even that started on a 'can't make sense of my life' sort of note. Seems that some element of unhappiness - or at least of insecurity and doubt - is always the impetus, at least at the start.
Sat, January 16, 2010 - 9:56 PM
"Seems that some element of unhappiness - or at least of insecurity and doubt - is always the impetus, at least at the start."

Well said M.M. : ) Thanks for keeping in touch. It's been a loooong time since I've been active around here. You're always keen to pick right up and I'm always happy to hear and contemplate your thoughts. To stimulation, scintillation & constant forward motion. I'd still rather be depressed than stagnant. G night my friend.
Tue, January 19, 2010 - 7:27 AM
Having a friend you can rely on - that friend being you
Hi Katrina I've not been on here in a long time... who knows why my eyes fell upon your words tonight? I looked through the photo's I don't remember you.. Who's this person with a beautiful face, shining light coming through it, who lately feels so honest & sad? and as I search through your stories I see why I would befriend you, the yoga, chakras the life long search to find the right guy & now this, the struggle too.

All life's breathes & journey's, All so honourable, pure & human in the way you write.

Walking with god, the big giant god that is you, everything AND nothing ....something's missing where's it gone, looking to fill, why's there a void?

More importantly, what shall i fill it with...?

I don't know you but I'm hoping you give yourself gobs & gobs of gentleness, especially in uncertain moments.

A few things come to heart & mind.. Actually, many things come to mind & I'm also cautious of being a ranting/raving stranger at the same time...

Things like the value in the questions we ask ourselves...

Where has she gone? I ponder "Where would you like to go? "REALLY" like to go..or shall I suggest "LOVE" to go..

I used to sigh & say helplessly "I don't know" & a new friend once said calmly "yes - you do"

It was a nice challenge & one I remind myself of often.. Many small changes can make a difference, like a slow dripping tap fills a bucket, so too we can fill our hearts - of course patience plays a key role...

Other things that seem evident but more like an echoe than shining through, simple things I have learned that may interest you.

Deciding to be your own best friend, consoling yourself when the chips are down, in the same way we do when we come upon a scared child...

I have been amazingly lonely at times in my life, even when people were around.... wishing & longing for that friend or turn of fate to make it right, at one particular time I had lost several friends in a short space of time - unthinkable but real.
How did I get here became a circling question. How do I get out.. finally one day created some better motion.

Awareness of terrorising thoughts... & eventually viewing them as habits, Habits I'd unintentionally made strong by being consumed by the emotion accompanying them... Playing with my thought patterns & recognising what emotions they produced, I began to gently / playfully explore how I could flex & coax my view towards things I loved..

but the best has been gradually learning to be my own best friend, (I have plenty of weird habits & room for improvement!)
Life IS great when we share it with people & it also rocks tremendously when we discover how to truly share it's beauty with our self.

May the tough times guide you to your own loving truth

You must be an amazingly strong woman internally & externally, to be a mom, to share truthfully, triathalons & so on. Even when there seems little to hold onto all we need do is breathe, the next moment comes

Our fingerprint is in the hearts of our friends & family not always plain to see - but believe me - for better or worse it's there.

All the best
 

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