Sometimes life just sucks

It's been a no good very bad day! All around. I woke up grumpy with my hormones a raging, changing personalities every few minutes. My boyfriends permanantly pissed off at me, and if i ask...."are you attracted to me?" one more time hes gonna roast my brain on an open spit. I skrewed up at work. I mean really skrewed up. And when i went to leave work our car was out of gas. Which would be managable if i hadn't told my boyfriend that hey we need gas, and if he hadn't said we'll be fine. So now i was right, but i didn't fill the gas tank up, so i was right in the wrong way. And now my brain is leeking out of my left eyeball and there's a pain in my neck (not the boyfriend) but an actual pain.

Scizoerotic Death-A Poets Exaneration Plee

oh if candy were to drip from my bones
as acid can do in closets
and black holes are the only ones that understand
for kindness is a razor
and apathy is the blood
and my body beats in rythems
with the heat that seeps out the walls
and my mind is on a permanenant vacation
as i sit in this pose
a warriors heart is always open
for its the only way to rationalize the pain
if i sip from this cup of glory
i shall be high on hopes
that have been cultivating
as they often do
in the compost heap just under my left eye
as i drive i find that i am there
and destination is only something contrived
for linear time holds no value in my toes
and a bird has taken my pinkie
my artists hand is fisted and twitching
and if you wake my sleep now
i may devour you conscience
for a warrior has no home
but in the hearts of men and beast
that he touches in glee
and a poet only has his ego
because he's burned his life
on toxic shadowed pages
and there are no amount of boos and drugs
that can bring his soul back
so he starts to preform
and develops a new self
because his only friend was ink
and the salt does freeze on his tonuge
and the words ping farther and farther away
from home
and he just choose to share this home
with
you

there are two things i do best in this world...procrastination and rationalization

My body is creaking and totally furious at me. I take horrible care of it. I understand it, know what it needs, how to make it limber and responsive again....and i don't. I ignore it and push it to the side...."when we get money i'll".......but thats just an excuse now. I've had migranes for weeks on end, unrestful sleep, allergic reactions, back and neck problems, and my poor tummy hates me....ahhhhhhhhhh........i'm such a moron....and a procrastinator. I feel like i need a hug....i've been going at top speed and i can't seem to truly relax. I havn't been writing or doing any art or riding or excercising in general. Ahhhhhhhh......i'm going to head to the barn this week.

Strange Dreams

i masterbated with a meat hook in my dreams sat. night/sun morning. I don't know what the hell that means.

verbal masturbation

i so wish i could cradle in my arms all i hold dear, gently kissing the forhead of each dear soul that passes in pain. I don't feel worthy of these things, i don't feel worthy to feel the pain. I have not earned the right to gain insite. I want everyone to feel the love that has been given so freely to me. I want to be able to hug the guy on the sidewalk trying to sell a chain his grandady got him when he was little....only he dosn't remember his dad and the chain came from a sewer....but he so wishes his family could pass something down beside a thirst for wiskey and the smell of vomit and baby powder........i wish i didn't feel....for my pain seems melodramatic.....and my compassion is so strong but only out of what.....grand ideas and well put together speach patterns....and a minishirt.....sitting in a sinking canoe letting the water suck me down....the light contorting on the face of the water....as someone speaks from the depth....i never new the lies untill i spoke the language....and the smell is jungle thick...hot....slightly sweet and rotting.....my eyes are forming in the back of my brain....and reverse patters controt the spanning threads as they lace shut my mouth in monumental patters and icy rythems placate the warmth of my chest....