Realize & release what does not serve

I have arrived

FireWoven — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 02:00:13 GMT

after facing my own denial... and walking my own firewlk i am sfaely here, Simi Valley staring my new life. with a job, and my Truth. Thank you all who have helped me. Namaste

My diary of my first night in LA shelter

FireWoven — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:55:29 GMT

9 am Th 19 Jun 08 Soooo, teary. Woke in pain after evening of fighting hopelessness. D laughed. The mission people heckled me. The eskimo at the VA saved me. Thank you, Heaven. It is like a maze game. I do not know the Lords' next step. Best Smile! I woke from prayers to see R's face through the bunk bed bars to say i have a a 3 day break and to journal tohughts I was so sure i was without a direction and the Lord led me as a baby, thru the dark. Each step as blind to the next. let alone, where the end result would be.

My husbands' birthday

FireWoven — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:00:05 GMT

Happy birthday, i still miss. Even though he decided I leave. Even though he said no, when i begged to retun. Now, I will never return. But still wish to God, he do right by me. but i am told... what is, is what is. take action on feelings... so i am writing. Has destiny brought me where I am? Thank you all for so much support, with these difficult releasing of ego

my path

FireWoven — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 19:42:40 GMT

it seems that i have seen many experiences for 2 years in my dreams. thank you for telling me to keep a dream journal in the dreams i was resisting now i see why why i kept finding myself in womens dorms trying to get to LA over the hill. this is my story thank you now i know why http://books.google.com/books?id=UneRhrp6ixQC&pg=PA177&lpg=PA177&dq=domestic+violence+journey+workbook&source=web&ots=GOWNA97AT5&sig=93_L5n68X1XjDV3bJhrWMFluNhg&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=9&ct=result#PPA2,M1

safe in a womens shelter

FireWoven — Sun, 25 May 2008 04:08:57 GMT

well, maybe i shall learn my choices.

i long

FireWoven — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:36:51 GMT

so i hope to become strong and able to hold fast to moving thru when the urge to hold tight chills my mind to the depths http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3aNDT8wqZI&feature=related

being my truth

FireWoven — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 03:17:56 GMT

well, i am here i have learned lessons, like, speaking my truth does not mean throwing it up all over other people. but i am having a very teary time, just choosing to ask for water, or saying to employers, that i cannot change shift when they ask without notice but the hardest this week was speaking my experience with the 8th step in a meeting tonight/ the other old timers turned away, literally. but i am carrying a message of hope that i was not ready to open up about abuse or rape in a 5th step, ... it is ok, and just don't relapse. i had to search for my safe way to go thru that and now i am ready, and even if no one is there to be a kind gentle sponsor i will be ok, and i must be me, and no longer what i think others want me to be. but it is silly to explain.. that these tears just come out o no where. and a smple joke will make them stop. anybody got a joke? or an explaination as to what is happening? oh well i will just keep being outside of the old construct ... and experience as an observer, all my escapes. like spouse or men, money and food. illness, anger, righteous indignation. pity, victimizing nyself with self debasment and choosing to not. just feeling the strong feelings with loving self support. nurturing and encouragement. a pal from chi town, caled, and said that truth is all that is be myself no matter what is the only way to realize that it is safe to be me..... u on tribe have been my best meetings thank you namaste

i release the eucherist

FireWoven — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:09:30 GMT

1. Adoro te devote, latens Deitas, Quae sub his figuris vere latitas; Tibi se cor meum totum subiicit, Quia te contemplans, totum deficit. 2. Visus, tactus, gustus in te fallitur, Sed auditu solo tuto creditur; Credo quidquid dixit Dei Filius, Nil hoc verbo veritatis verius. 3. In Cruce latebat sola Deitas. At hic latet simul et humanitas: Ambo tamen credens, atque confitens, Peto quod petivit latro paenitens. 4. Plagas, sicut Thomas, non intueor, Deum tamen meum te confiteor: Fac me tibi semper magis credere, In te spem habere, te diligere. 5. O memoriale mortis Domini, Panis vivus vitam praestans homini: Praesta meae menti de te vivere, Et te illi semper dulce sapere. 6. Pie pellicane Iesu Domine, Me immundum munda tuo Sanguine: Cuius una stilla salvum facere Totum mundum quit ab omni scelere. 7. Iesu, quem velatum nunc aspicio, Oro, fiat illud, quod tam sitio, Ut te revelata cernens facie, Visu sim beatus tuae gloriae. Amen. 1. Godhead here in hiding, whom I do adore, Masked by these bare shadows, shape and nothing more, See, Lord, at thy service low lies here a heart Lost, all lost in wonder at the God thou art. 2. Seeing, touching, tasting are in thee deceived: How says trusty hearing? that shall be believed; What God's Son has told me, take for truth I do; Truth himself speaks truly or there's nothing true. 3. On the cross thy godhead made no sign to men, Here thy very manhood steals from human ken: Both are my confession, both are my belief, And I pray the prayer of the dying thief. 4. I am not like Thomas, wounds I cannot see, But can plainly call thee Lord and God as he; Let me to a deeper faith daily nearer move, Daily make me harder hope and dearer love. 5. O thou our reminder of Christ crucified, Living Bread, the life of us for whom he died, Lend this life to me then: feed and feast my mind, There be thou the sweetness man was meant to find. 6. Bring the tender tale true of the Pelican; Bathe me, Jesu Lord, in what thy bosom ran--- Blood whereof a single drop has power to win All the world forgiveness of its world of sin. 7. Jesu, whom I look at shrouded here below, I beseech thee send me what I thirst for so, Some day to gaze on thee face to face in light And be blest for ever with thy glory's sight. Amen.

i found wet felting

FireWoven — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:01:31 GMT

The Gayatri Mantra Om bhur bhuvah svah tat savitur varenyam bhargo devasya dhimahi dhiyo yonah prachodayat Through the coming, going and the balance of life the essential nature which illumes existence is the adorable one may all perceive through subtle intellect the brilliance of enlightenment

i am lonely

FireWoven — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:43:15 GMT

Where the river foams and surges to the sea, Silver figures rise to find me, Wise and as daring, Following the heart's cry. I am that deep pool, I am that dark spring, Warm with a mystery, I may reveal to you, In Time, (Time holds the heart's key) Key to everything is Love, (Love makes the heart flower) Flowers into a deep desire, (Passion in the heart's fire) Passion and desire. See the eagle rise above the open plain, Golden in the morning air, Weaving and soaring, Watchful and protecting. I am your shelter, I will enfold you. Warm with a mystery, I may reveal to you, In Time. (Time holds the heart's key) Key to everything is Love, (Love makes the heart flower) Flowers into a deep desire, (Passion in the heart's fire) Passion and desire. the heart's cry riverdance

Free to say yes or no

FireWoven — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 16:00:50 GMT

I learned in QBL that the center is the balance. of me of us of above and below. but i needed to learn more of another before and after to speak my choice i still tear as the words come out but more each week, i am speaking aloud

utah tribe

FireWoven — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:14:44 GMT

ever since i switched to utah trib elocation, i have lost the site most often. does any one know why?

I N F P -- Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving

FireWoven — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:34:19 GMT

I N F P -- Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving Version 0.06 (December 1998) (Note: This is the only type profile in this webspace. There's no point in poking around looking for others.) For INFPs, life is a journey to understand themselves and the world. Where some others may strive for achievements such as degrees and promotions, an INFP tends to consider these as important mainly for their value in making it easier to fulfill the INFP's life goals. INFPs value authenticity, acceptance, and the search for meaning in life in both the ordinary events of life and the grand scheme of the universe. One source of sustenance for INFPs are those small, genuine gestures from the heart, be they from loved ones or strangers. INFPs have many interests and talents. They are generally good at perceiving possibilities for improving the world and understanding others. They are often clear at expressing ideas through language, writing, poetry, and other talents. When an INFP supports a particular project or goal, they can get an extraordinary amount of work done in a short time. On the other hand, INFPs tend to procrastinate and are dissatisfied by detailed work not related to one of their important values. This is one reason INFPs are happier when working at jobs which are related to their values. Ideas and feelings (and particularly ideas about feelings) form the center of an INFPs existence. As INFPs explore the world, they discover new relationships, concepts, and connections about the universe. This exploration guides INFPs to find values important to themselves. Many INFPs do not like attempts to impose shoulds and have-tos. These INFPs find absolute systems of rules that everyone must abide to as confining and arbitrary and simply unfair. As such, INFPs may rail against words that imply that a value system can be imposed from the outside. Sometimes INFPs deny having ideals or principles since it's possible to equate a reliance on principles with dogmatism and inflexibility. Instead, they prefer to talk about feelings: not momentary emotional states but the personal values on which the feeling function operates. INFPs often place a high value on harmony, and avoid conflict unless confrontation becomes necessary. Minor, detail oriented, administrative problems are ignored until they stop the progress of any current projects. When his or her projects are threatened, an INFP will either fight for the project/ideal if it's important enough, or concentrate on another one of his or her interests to avoid a confrontation. INFPs do not measure life in terms of the number of friends and acquaintances they have but rather by the quality of their friendships. For INFPs, the distinction between friends and acquaintances is very important; an acquaintance is someone they spend time with while a friend is someone with whom an INFP can share ideas and feelings. Their most valuable friends are people who understand their important values and accept them unconditionally. An INFP's feelings form the foundations of the individual. They are sacred and binding, in the sense that their emergence requires no further justification. An INFP's feelings are often guarded, kept safe from attack and ridicule. Only a few, close confidants are permitted entrance into this domain. INFP's look at humanity at both the individual (human-to-human) and societal levels. One common discouragement for INFP's is that societal change often seems impossible. When INFPs become discouraged, they may need some time and space to rediscover their values and a sense of inner peace. The conflict between their ideal world and "reality", as they see it can cause depression or withdrawal from the world unless they have people that support them in their projects.

I have moved

FireWoven — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 19:09:32 GMT

Well, a very long train ride But I am here in Utah. had a bar office job, but failed training. now doing quickbooks for a cyber cafe starting to feel better thank you all for your thoughts, words and light. how is everyone else?

almost gone

FireWoven — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:13:04 GMT

well 3 days and 2 hours. Psychic Seld Defense by Dion Fortune suggests to not inform many of where i go. but thank you all for your input. it has really helped. i hope i find peace. still barly packed. can't say bye to 9 years of accumulating who i am but it is only stuff. who i am , is inside... i hope. i rather take precious things than cloths, but that seems so goofy. but i will accept me as i am since that is my job. reading The Secret of The Shadow by Deb Ford just finished Healing Your Aloneness by Chopich & Paul just wanted you all to know how much tribe has helped me, but i do not think i may get back on line where i am going. namaste

honor even when you are not honored?

FireWoven — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 02:52:23 GMT

i see on TV the movie, "King Solomon..."(something). and this guy will not eve kill killers trying to kill him. But I have no one killing me directly. But many examples i cannot give, of people harming by omission. Knowingly or not??? Do I try to do as the hero's who do not destroy, no matter what? Here is one example. Being told to store my thing, I find another book on dark magic. after asking him to put them out of the house years ago. And he said he did. Now, I feel that the existence of this book may have contributed to my ill health. I dare not type the name... but it is not Beetlejuice do I destroy what belongs to another?

Relocating for health

FireWoven — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 18:34:23 GMT

So, can any one suggest where to go for releif of body pain weakness and imunity issues; from lupus, fibro, and celiac? that is my spouses new story about taking a break. but how soon will i be well enough to work? i have pals in LA, Utah, and Florida my sons has pals in Georgia. those are warmer that Chicago, but is NJ or North west coast good for what ails ya? I have buddies there too, but i have concern for teh weather. I just got my last vitamin B shot here... and i guess i better get wash done. What is real and what is an illusion????

now that i am 50 it is by will i love

FireWoven — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 19:34:28 GMT

i may not have the smarts or money for high learning, but as i study QBL my lips tingle. and I may never be functional physically, but i know i was made for something, i helped a guy sew, maybe there is a place for me there. i will keep looking for my place, my space in the sky. Thank you to all the leaves that have passed thru my life. from kind help to writers, and singers. all inspiring me to hope. hope for peace, with embracing what is truely me. we all have a spirit, a spark. and our job to use this machine of earth. i pray the will to good manifests in me and you No Matter What Happens lyrics Look at how she looks at me, I can never look at her that way... Full of all the feelings and the soft Unspoken words that lovers say... In all the words, in all the books I wish there were a way to say that What she's taught me Isn't written anywhere And I'm supposed to be the one Who's wise... One thing is certain, I can never be what she Expects of me... I've wanted the shadows, I don't anymore. No matter what happens, I won't anymore I've run from the sunlight- Afraid it saw too much. The moon had the one light I bathed in- I walked in. I held in my feelings And closed every door. No matter what happen. I can't anymore. There's someone who must hear The words I've never spoken. Tonight if he were here My silence would be broken. I need him to touch me- To know the love that's in my heart- The same heart that tells me To see myself- To free myself- To be myself at last! For too many mornings The curtains were drawn. It's time they were opened To welcome the dawn. A voice deep inside Is getting stronger, I can't keep it quiet any longer. No matter what happens, It can't be the same anymore... I promise it won't be the same Anymore! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFzu1JHAkU0

my hubby has a show

FireWoven — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:05:55 GMT

about chickens and menopause and i do not know if they would want me to put contact info on web, but next shows are fri and sat night (but sat is sold out there is a sun matinee it is dinner and wine, and then the show

What is destiny?

FireWoven — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 05:08:09 GMT

well, i ask, what is my purpose? I fear i am not good enough to be the peaceful person amid nay sayers. I see how it can be done, often. over and over gain, i fall short of being the light in a given situation. "God don't make junk". written on a page i was given early in this process. so, there must be a reason i was created. there must be many kids out there who watched tv, to see what good behavior looke dlike. I did see loving people kind and thoughtful on tv. now, years later, i am grateful those good shows were there for me And I want other kids to know that that is a real valuable way to survive, until recovery can be facilitated. before tv, i think i was lost. not understanding how come people speak words that do not match the rest of what is going on. from energy to behavior, the question is still today. i am beginning to let go of figuring it out. i had spent all that time thinking i had to be clear in order to respond. and it was always leaving me guessing at what was going on. I am still hiding most of the time, still not understanding when people's words to not match. but i am beginning to believe that i do have a purpose. I am not junk and I am in process. When i get those inklings of what might be the best way to respond, sometimes in hindsight, i am so sure i fall far short. i can rest in trusting the process that maybe i will some day be able to bring a presence of light in a dark situation. I only hope that i am growing as fast as i can, and will be in time for when its my turn to take action i was meant to take. i thank those who were kind to me, and those who were not. as i learned from both. I am sorry for those who i harmed, by action and omission. and pray how good could come of it. i also forgive all, as i understand to forgive. i understand them as innocent and neding their own lesson to learn. and i pray that light will bring them love and strength to heal their need. life is too short to worry about things, and too important to not do the best work we can. i never was happy with the word love, so i will wish light for all. and as i know, those who do not want light, as i was, i pray have peace. i have always wanted to be like the happy good people on tv, and i am beginning the have confidence that i just may . i am better than i was, more whole. pulling myself back from the doubt is improving. and i heave a big sigh of relief.

Wile E. Coyote

FireWoven — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:55:50 GMT

Does any one remember when he is holding something dangerous... and it occurs to him that maybe he should have let go? But it was too late, by the time he gets it, And it blows up in his hand? Well, in my dreams last night i woke up this morning, trying to hold on to them, as I was instructed. To meditate on them, for the point, the lesson. so, I live my life seeking freedom. freedom from... what? not pain, per say, but discomfort. I find it in some forms of service. But have found that I am selfish, even in that. Those who act ungrateful, or spoiled that need it less than another. energy work, shiatsu, or massage. I loved taking care of elderly feet in a nursing home. Doing hands, feet, arms, legs, hair. They are happy, grateful, and giving, verbally, with thanks, and stories, of themselves. These dreams, i am ehlping, every day people or higher function people. and they take everything for granted. And in my real world I heard the offers for people, but they are not balanced either. But I feel like the coyote, my eyes blinking with a stupified awareness. thinking, drop the bottle... JUST LET GO. even though the crowd of well wishers egging me on to hold on. like do gooders, but, i let go, and it felt better. i did not explode. and the bottle dropped and cracked, and nothing happened. so, what does that mean? who do i not lesten to? What is the bottle, that I want to drop? An energy worker said to help those who come to you. But, in my experience, mostly, the Takers come to me. How do I know where to direct my energy. As my body deteriorates, I have less. but i know that when I give properly, it does not deplete me. I only know, I must say "NO", somewhere. but where? Who? I do not want to be Wile E Coyote, and it be too late.

How Does Your Light Shine?

FireWoven — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 23:54:36 GMT

5 days of more weirdness. i guess the Mayans were right, that it gets tougher for the next 4 years. More teacher and co-students' suggestions... They may be correct, but it seems strained. then I heard the song today, "IN THE HALLS OF SHAMBALA" How can i want to go learn more light working when i owe money? i will only go with the blessing of my creditors. And a goofy book, that fell into my world, "Healing Your Aloneness", and I am willing to read, but it is very confrontive. Have you ever felt like you were not going to make it thru the next level of growth? I have often, and then made it. sometimes by the skin of my teeth. sometimes failingly, but grateful to survive, clean. I had de ja vu all weekend, like the end of the world. that always happens when i am about to learn a new dimension of my own existense

25 years recovery clean and sober

FireWoven — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:29:42 GMT

my heart breaks for all our defenses I cannot even share it with the gal who has seen me through most of it.. without both of us demanding the other speak to us in a certain way. how foolish we all are. i just asked if she wante dto give me a cake.... and an hour later... after both our tears and meaness we were both coming from fear that the other did not love and miss us as much as we missed and loved them. how will we ever get back to the place we once were.... any of us.... a qbl teacher spoke to me yesterday about my self deception. my sponsor spent most of my step work focusing on my victimizing myself. and 2 schools of thought have the same insight. my setting myself up. and how i treat those i love the most, is the most difficult to feel safe. it makes no sense. but so many wounds to heal, and only just for today. I lived in Berlin before the wall came down.. and looked across to the people on bleachers looking at me. and then i thought how could we all be defensively miss interpreting others in the world. and here i can barely do it in my home, or to my oldest gal pal. i will stop looking for others to treat me better. This is all so coincidental.. a qbl student spoke to me this morning about loving yourself, first. he is not Christian, nor has any other religions concept of self. just that new babble about manifesting from there. but it does not ring true, with so many wounded. unable to yet, find that elusive love of self... without over love, selfishness. I rather know that i love that i am of the Creator, and so lovable. I am though, a shade thereof, flawed. and see this line of thinking as unproductive. rather, i will accept that my mind, brain, ego... would like to distract me with this journey... instead of loving others, and i rather get better at that first and foremost. my old gal pal, just wanted to be sure i was missing and loving her before she risked ... it seemed so out there at the time she finally admitted it. but isn't that what we do? i wish i would learn lessons better and stop wounding others... some say that is how we all must learn, from wounds. I hope that is untrue. is it true that we can kill 'em with kindness? I had a youth were i was just loving... and was fooled and used... and became angry and dark... now, i know it was right to have been that open.... just with more tools... religion, teaches some, not at the superficial level... but at the deeper search, who am i.... means who am i with other people. i have lost many friends with past behavior. and doubt any will ever let me back into their hearts. and i do not blame them. I miss them all. and the worst is that in some cases i do not even know what i did. i really plan mostly focusing on how i treat others. and the self supporting thing as a gift for all those who support me. i grew up wanting to be a nun, and praying all day long and doing chores for others. i tried to join 3 convents and all 3 nuns there said no. now at 50, i know i should have been insistent, and kept trying. how do i measure my value? how do i chose a way to focus on to make money? to help ease to stress of those who support me, and have more to give away.

yesterdays blog

FireWoven — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 17:54:49 GMT

So, isn't it just this way... that, whenever you finally put it out there, then a solution comes. not an answer to all the worlds ills, but just a next right step. my brother studies Thai Chi and sez to not resist.??? I finally reached my first teacher, who crypticly directed me back to find a way to generate money at home, and beware of self deceptions. But how to have boundaries, without losing the open heart? I read a book years ago, like the 80's i think it was called self esteem for women, and it seemed to resemble me. in that i have trouble holding the place. with 1 or 2 objections, i seem to lose my self, and crumble. and at this point, that seems to stop every attempt at working. i get discouraged with every bit of resistance. and there is resistance with every word and action, in this world i live. Unless it is going the way of another, how can 2 people find a way to make both happy? if only one of the is open to working that out? i really want to release with love, and have no means to do it. thank you for listening, and i would love and experience, strength and hope

we all are shades of grey

FireWoven — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 15:59:44 GMT

I meant to start my reference with this pretense, so i am as shadow, just as we all are. but again last night i heard the WE speaking in whispers, but this time i was able to apply techiques of the will, that i had been taught , and it went away. Finally, but i am a novice, so it took some time. I think this is the third time i have had awareness of dealing with them. but probably more, than I know I do not claim to be able to be a candle in a dark room. and I doubt that i can do more than succumb to the winds of whatever. i often, cannot even tell which way they blow. but what to do in regular time, if we all are shade, and then I am swayed? By empathy for a fabricated wound? And repeatedly, the will of others can even generate wounded energy, where there is no wound.