so there i was - hog tied in the back of a minivan, being driven to some hellish mall store in terra linda... my assailants were rubbing docker chinos all over my body, and i could feel the little khaki vermin wiggling through my skin, leaching into my bloodstream... against my will i screamed "I SAID A HALF-CAFF LATTE YOU IMBECILIC COFFEE JOCKEY! GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU UNWED MOTHER OF THREE, I'M LATE FOR MY RACQUETBALL!", and knew that it was only a matter of time before they laid their merciless eggs inside my brain.

suddenly, the ceiling of the van pulled back like a sardine can, and my assailants wilted under twin streams of holy water. my bonds cut, i found myself outside a dark bus shelter, with my rescuer, who only nodded and disappeared in a could of pixy stick dust.

i later learned that this man was my bruce wayne, and for his help, i am eternally grateful.