New Beginnings...

Most of you know that I am getting divorced... thats in process... Cant wait until its done!!! So, I connected with Robert, who is in the photo. Many of you know him as the violin player in Middle Earth, the wonderful band that plays for Bellydancers all over San Diego and beyond.. Robert & I have been together for about 7 months now and I have to say that I am soooooo in love with this man! He has helped me so much with moving away from my past and embracing the future. He is also extremely supportive of dance, being that he is an artist himself. He understands the creative process and the addiction that your chosen craft. For me its dance, for him its music. I am not used to having such support for my desire to dance. I find it amazing and refreshing. I get encouraged to practice and promote myself, and go to dance classes when I can. Its exciting and scary all at the same time. We are moving in together in the North Park area. We found the cutest house to rent!!! I am so excited to reclaim my life, stand on my own two feet, and take my place in the world.

The only bummer is that my truck is dead... if anyone knows of a really cheap car I can buy, let me know... Thanks...

I Cant Believe...

All the stuff that has happened in the last week... I got a call last Tuesday from a friend of mine, Michelle. She lost her mom four months ago. When I picked up the phone, Michelle was crying and I could not make sense of what she was saying. I asked her to calm down and take a breath so I could understand what she was saying. She said I need you right now. I asked her where she was and I told her I would be there in twenty minutes. I met her at a coffeehouse where she poured her heart out about what had happened to her sister. I looked at her confused and asked her, what happened?? Michelle replied that her sister committed suicide. AND her sister was married AND eight months pregnant. What the Hell??!! No one knows why she did what she did. The complete heartache and sadness her sister left behind her is devastating. I dont know if this family is going to survive. Please send your prayers to them..

On Thursday of the same week, my mom went to her doctor for a regular checkup on her pacemaker. I got a call mid morning from my mom. She tells me that she has to have heart surgery to repair her pacemaker because the wires leading into her heart are broken. I get off the phone and I am crying like a baby. This type of surgery has become routine over the years... To my mind, surgery is surgery and there is always a risk. Even when its considered routine. My mom is home and doing fine... Thank the Goddess for that!!

On Saturday I go to the old house in Lemon Grove to pick up the last of my things and deal with Mitch for the last time. I brought some men with me to do the heavy lifting.. Love you manly men for that!!! I discovered that Mitch decided to take whatever he wanted no matter who it belonged to. He took the couch, futon, tv, dining room table & chairs, my leather corset, leather pants, and very expensive leather moccasins. Oh and he took my australian saddle. I figure thats about $5000.00 worth of stuff he has... My anger at the time was very explosive to say the least. I did not care about most of the stuff but my saddle... that meant alot... Mitch is very lucky I did not touch him. I did get in his face. He left bruises on my wrists and some torn skin. I was shocked at his behavior. I should have known better.
In taking a step back I realize now that he did me a favor. I really dont want things that have been subjected to his negativity for this long. When I have a new place to live I want it filled with things that reflect me and my energy. I look at this situation as a cleasing of the old that I no longer need. When I look around me I will only see beauty and grace. I have detached myself from the past and I am now living in the present. The person known as Mitch no longer exists in my realm of reality.. I truly never knew him.. He never knew me.

Heres to a brighter and a much better future!!! Whooo Hooo!!!

If Its Not One Thing....

Yea, you know how to end the phrase... The most recent development in my life is that I dont have a job... I got fired by some ass who decided to put my head on the chopping block just to prove that he has a dick. The "official" reason for my being fired is that I called in sick at the last minute... What a crock of shit!! I have had bronchitis for the last six months and I only missed two days. WTF?? I guess no one wants loyal employees anymore. I stick my neck out for these people, work through illness, have a good attitude, do a good job and get fired?? I just dont get it. I am so sick and tired of working for shitty people with a huge attitude, and no brain. I am at a point to where I just dont know what to do right now. I am revamping my resume and trying to figure out what I want to do. I know that I will do massage on a temporary basis until I figure out something else. I just dont know what that something else is. So, its time to go back to the drawing board, maybe school, and figure out this portion of my life.
I am very grateful that I have the people in my life that I do. You have made this time much easier for me. So to all of you, thank you so very much for your presence... You are a gift...

I'm With The Band.... or The 9/8 Whore....

I got invited to go to Hawaii with Middle Earth because I am dating Robert, who plays violin & mandolin. What an amazing guy!! Anyway, the trip was awesome!!! Although there was a particular challenge on my part and that was with my health. I have been fighting bronchitis for almost six months now. The day I left for Hawaii was my last day on antibiotics and I thought that the bug had been killed. Low and behold by Monday I had a high fever, my joints were swollen and painful and I was crying.... Robert got me to the emergency room and I had really great care which included IV fluids along with an antibiotic and a painkiller. Very soon I felt nothing which was great. My doctor now has me on 1000mg of Bioxin which will hopefully kill everything. I felt much better and I continued the tour.
We went and conquered Maui for a few days and then returned to Oahu for two final performances on Thursday. The evening performance showcased local talent both cabaret and tribal styles. My turn came when it was time for open dancing. The band chose to play a 9/8, Rompi Rompi to be exact. For those of you who know me, the 9/8 is my favorite rhythm. As the band proceeded to play the opening measures, I was looking to see if anyone was dancing... the dance floor was bare.. Sonia, who is the bands booking agent in Hawaii, caught my eye from accross the room and motioned me to dance... Well you dont have to ask me twice... for good measure I waited just a bit longer to be sure that no one wanted to dance... Then I hit the dance floor with a vengence. I am not sure exactly what I did as far as movements are concerned but afterward I was asked more then once how I did what I did and would I teach it. I gave a brief explanation and said that if people wanted, I would come back and teach a workshop on how to master the 9/8... so who knows, maybe dancers in Hawaii will have me back and want to learn about how to dance a 9/8....
My thanks to Bonnie for giving me the title of The 9/8 Whore.... I wear it proudly.....

Pieces Of Me

Since the fires and drama, all I have been doing is sitting, trying to get rid of the pnemonia that has been plagueing me, and crying ALOT! I know this part is necessary for healing to occur but holy hell! Does it have to go on for hours? Guess that is a good barometer of my broken heart and broken spirit. I am just waiting for my lungs to heal a bit more so I can dance. I miss it so much and I miss the people so much!
I am wanting to connect with someone other than my cat, who is amazing, and connects with me in her own way. I want to be a part of something greater than me. Dance, I believe, is a way for that to happen. Not only can I connect with myself and discover new ways of being, but I can connect with some really amazing people. This is where I want to be. I can piece myself back together, not alone, but with the support of my dance sistahs. I have been doing things alone for most of my life. It has been brought to my attention, that I can no longer do that. I need to allow people into my life, especially women, who will love, care and support me as much as I support them. This is the piece I have been missing and I need to just let people in no matter what I am going through and trust that they will be there.
This too will serve me in the long run.

The Inquisition

The last time I posted an entry, I was getting divorced, still am. There have been a few events that have happened in that department. A few weeks back, Mitch, my husband, suggested that we try for reconcilliation. Against my better judgement, I said ok. I told him that I will make no promises at all. I was very guarded and wary as this man has a knack for kickstarting his anger whenever, wherever and lashing right out at me. So, at the time,things seemed to be going fairly well. We went out on a date and had a nice time. Then everything changed.

The fires began and I was concerned as I am currently staying at my moms house in Scripps Ranch. As everyone knows by now, Scripps had to be evacuated. So my thinking was, since we were on the path to reconciliation, I would go back to the Lemon Grove house, which was fine with Mitch. I arrived, with my cat in tow, and got settled in the front bedroom and broke out the wine I had brought and hoped for a nice evening. As we watched movies, I kept having this underlying anxiety. Something was brewing and I could not put my finger on it. So, I tried my best to relax and enjoy.
The next morning, I made coffee and relaxed, as it was my day off. Mitch comes out and there isnt even a good morning. Accusations begin and I am speechless, shaking, and defensive. These are stupid accusations. There was a man who kept calling me alot. Mitch asked me not to speak to this man and I agreed because I really had no reason to speak with him. I told him not to call me but some men are dense and dont get the message. This is one of them. According to Mitch, he called me on Oct 12 and the 15. I said that I did not remember him calling and that if he did, I did not speak to him. Mitch seems to believe that I did speak to this man and not only that, I had sex with him. I wish I was having some great sex! Would have made dealing with the asshole known as Mitch much easier. I would have been getting something out of this situation besides grief. He then tells me I have to leave, right then and there. Its about 1 in the afternoon on Tuesday. According to the news, I am still evacuated and I have nowhere to go. I could go to one of the evac sites, but I dont have a carrier for my cat and I am being pressured to go right now. I pack my stuff, and I tell Mitch that I will be back for my cat and not to let her out.
I then started calling friends to see if there was a place for me and my kitty. I suddenly thought of Bonnie and Laura. I called them and they were amazing. Of course you can stay in our house! Bring your kitty too! I took a deep breath, cried and thanked the Gods above for having such amazingly generous people in my life. I made another phone call, picked up the cat and got back on the road to our sanctuary at Laura and Bonnies house.
I did not sleep at all that night. Mostly because I could not believe the callousness of the man I once loved and admired. Throwing me out with no place to go was just plain cold and shitty. I now have more devastation to add to the piles of broken heart. Its a wasteland in there. On top of all this, I have pnemonia and its spread into my bronchials. I have had this for over a month and its not getting much better. I am hoping that with the steroid shot, inhaler, and new antibiotics I can get rid of this shit fast. I am sick of being sick and laying around the house on my ass. I ve gained weight, become a bit depressed, and I miss being out and doing things I love. I need to be with supportive, loving people who care about me. I have been isolating myself and while I like the peace and quiet, its not going to serve me in the long run.
Some of my women friends have remarked that I am withdrawn and I dont let them know whats up with me. They mean the ugly stuff. I havent been wanting to go there and I really need to trust myself and the women around me, that its ok to go there and people will catch me if I let them.
Someone asked me today who I was leaning on. My answer was no one. The lesson is that I need to learn how to lean on people and to pay attention to details and how I show up.

DIVORCE

The title of this blog says it all. I decided just last week that I cant be in my marriage anymore. The biggest reason is that I dont have a willing participant. At least someone who can participate in the way that I need him to. I have tried everything I can think of to make this marriage work. This decision was very long in the making. Its taken two years and many tears to get to this point. My heart is broken over the dreams I had for this marriage. They will never come to fruition, at least not with this person.
Within this marriage, I allowed anothers anger to rule me. Through that, I became someone I dont know. I transformed myself to please another person. Through anothers eyes and slowly my own, I became lowly and second rate. Being told I am disgusting and could never please anyone. Mercilessly, verbally stripped of any esteem or motivation I may have had to improve myself. Slowly, very slowly, sinking into that oblivion of anothers belief. Until there is only darkness and the stumbling for where the light might be. I have found a spark to catalize this transformation. I am using it to light my way into another life.
In a very painful way I have learned some simple truths: Dont ever put your passions away for another person. The soul will die.
Who I am is enough! What I do is enough!

Dont like it? F**k Off!!

People Who Mean Well.... but

I just had a conversation with someone I know and consider a friend. We are in a womens group together and I recently accepted a leadership position because if I didnt, our group would be dissolved. I have been in this position for six months which is just enough time to get used to the flow of what needs to be done. My "friend" tells me that she is getting impatient with me because she sees me just on the verge of being a great woman, but I am being stopped by something. She has known me for two years. I tell her that I am doing the best I know how to do and I am just as impatient as she is.
I shared with her a few months ago that my husband was angry and going through alot of crap and that I thought he may be abusive. Since then, my husband has calmed down, he is talking to alot of people and getting himself back on track. I have not spoken with her about these things that have taken place in the last few months. She just thinks that my relationship is toxic and what am I going to do about not being affected by the toxicity.
Shit.... now my anger is flaring and I get silent so I dont say anything that I am going to regret. So I tell her that I dont have anything to say about that and I am just going to hang up.
So, I really just dont know what the fuck to do right now. Pardon my language but geez!! I have enough crap to worry about without having to deal with this kind of well meaning bullshit. My leadership position is completly volunteer, I dont get paid for doing it. So, my first instinct is to tell everyone to fuck off. Then leave. I feel like I am constantly under a microscope, no matter what I do, its not enough or it seems flat or what ever the term of the day may be. I just feel shitty and I am spending at least ten hours a week on everything, maybe more. Besides, I am already a great woman, learning more and more about myself every day.
I am going to talk with my husband this evening and figure out something to do about it. Dont know what, but I will figure out something.
In the mean time, I am going to dance class.... Wheeee!!!!!!!

Repeating a Cycle

For the last year I have been mostly on the fringe of the dance world. Not taking classes or workshops mostly due to finances and time. I now do have the time so now its just a question of money. I have never been a very good planner, I would just go where the wind would take me. I am in a place where I need to dance and be with like minded people.
I am struggling in my marriage, which has not been good in the past year. My husband seems to be going through something that he wont discuss with anyone. There is alot of silence in the house and no affection at all. I know that whatever he is dealing with has nothing to do with me and intellectually I know that.
In my heart, I feel very rejected and alone. There is a part of me that just wants to run away and hide under a rock and never, ever come out again. It hurts too much to care. The other half is the fighter. The part of me that charges forward, sword in hand, and kicks ass. This is the part of me that I am wanting to nurture and bring forward. The active part of me that has been dormant for some years. I have been paralyzed by either fear or wanting to please other people. So now its time to get moving and see what life brings me.

I am so grateful to have amazing people in my life that I can lean on and help scrape me off the pavement when I fall. All of you have my heart and my love.

Death

I have been away from Tribe for a long time, mostly hibernating due to the death of my Dad. He passed away on January 29th due to heart complications. I have been beating myself up and feeling really angry for not getting back in touch with my family sooner. I spent 12 years away from my family mostly out of rebellion and general stupidity. I got back in touch in November and I got to spend the holidays with all the family for the first time and it was amazing!
The funeral is now done with and all arrangements have been made. Now I am making sure that my Mom is taken care of and that she is not alone.
This is what I have learned out of this experience: All we have is now, this moment. The past does not exist and the future does not exist. Only now. Be present and enjoy it and the people in it because you never know what life is going to throw your way.