The last time I posted an entry, I was getting divorced, still am. There have been a few events that have happened in that department. A few weeks back, Mitch, my husband, suggested that we try for reconcilliation. Against my better judgement, I said ok. I told him that I will make no promises at all. I was very guarded and wary as this man has a knack for kickstarting his anger whenever, wherever and lashing right out at me. So, at the time,things seemed to be going fairly well. We went out on a date and had a nice time. Then everything changed.

The fires began and I was concerned as I am currently staying at my moms house in Scripps Ranch. As everyone knows by now, Scripps had to be evacuated. So my thinking was, since we were on the path to reconciliation, I would go back to the Lemon Grove house, which was fine with Mitch. I arrived, with my cat in tow, and got settled in the front bedroom and broke out the wine I had brought and hoped for a nice evening. As we watched movies, I kept having this underlying anxiety. Something was brewing and I could not put my finger on it. So, I tried my best to relax and enjoy.
The next morning, I made coffee and relaxed, as it was my day off. Mitch comes out and there isnt even a good morning. Accusations begin and I am speechless, shaking, and defensive. These are stupid accusations. There was a man who kept calling me alot. Mitch asked me not to speak to this man and I agreed because I really had no reason to speak with him. I told him not to call me but some men are dense and dont get the message. This is one of them. According to Mitch, he called me on Oct 12 and the 15. I said that I did not remember him calling and that if he did, I did not speak to him. Mitch seems to believe that I did speak to this man and not only that, I had sex with him. I wish I was having some great sex! Would have made dealing with the asshole known as Mitch much easier. I would have been getting something out of this situation besides grief. He then tells me I have to leave, right then and there. Its about 1 in the afternoon on Tuesday. According to the news, I am still evacuated and I have nowhere to go. I could go to one of the evac sites, but I dont have a carrier for my cat and I am being pressured to go right now. I pack my stuff, and I tell Mitch that I will be back for my cat and not to let her out.
I then started calling friends to see if there was a place for me and my kitty. I suddenly thought of Bonnie and Laura. I called them and they were amazing. Of course you can stay in our house! Bring your kitty too! I took a deep breath, cried and thanked the Gods above for having such amazingly generous people in my life. I made another phone call, picked up the cat and got back on the road to our sanctuary at Laura and Bonnies house.
I did not sleep at all that night. Mostly because I could not believe the callousness of the man I once loved and admired. Throwing me out with no place to go was just plain cold and shitty. I now have more devastation to add to the piles of broken heart. Its a wasteland in there. On top of all this, I have pnemonia and its spread into my bronchials. I have had this for over a month and its not getting much better. I am hoping that with the steroid shot, inhaler, and new antibiotics I can get rid of this shit fast. I am sick of being sick and laying around the house on my ass. I ve gained weight, become a bit depressed, and I miss being out and doing things I love. I need to be with supportive, loving people who care about me. I have been isolating myself and while I like the peace and quiet, its not going to serve me in the long run.
Some of my women friends have remarked that I am withdrawn and I dont let them know whats up with me. They mean the ugly stuff. I havent been wanting to go there and I really need to trust myself and the women around me, that its ok to go there and people will catch me if I let them.
Someone asked me today who I was leaning on. My answer was no one. The lesson is that I need to learn how to lean on people and to pay attention to details and how I show up.