An oldie but a goodie: Here’s a letter to a friend who busted himself up to the nth degree, falling at Burning Man. It pretty much speaks for itself:

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September 13, 2004

I just read the latest update from B____ and thought I would drop you a line. She said your staples “hurt quite severely ‘ and refrained from using your language. I think she omitted a highlight by not quoting you directly. I live for frankness, so tell all. ( I’ve noticed she has a few antiquated notions about propriety. Bless her sweet, brutal little heart)

If you don’t want to dwell on or blather about pain I understand completely. But I have sampled a potpourri of pain in my years, so I’m a guy to talk to. (Yes, C_____, that was a dangling preposition right there. I apologize.) But, just for fun, here is a short list of a few of my injuries and/or pain (non-chronological):

1) Born with hernia and pneumonia ( operation and first two weeks of life in incubator)
2) Bicycle faceplant ( front tooth in lip, finger bone showing, 6 different scars, 21 stitches in the face, 4 more stitches in my mouth)
3) Carburetor cleaner sprayed in the eyes (by me!! wheee)
4) Stepped through rotten roof framing (stopped by my groin)
5) Touched spinning Skilsaw blade with finger tips
6) Got shot in the back with a rubber riot round from a shotgun
7) Kidney punched with police baton (in the back again you fucking pig bitch coksuker “good german” assclown little man……..whew…..take a breath)
8.) Flew over Buick at 45 mph (leaving some of my finger on the broken mirror of the crumpled 600 lb motorcycle now attached to aforementioned automobile that was turning left in front of me.)
9) Left about 16 sq inches of skin from right calf on hot exhaust pipe (motorcycle on top of me)
10) Broken hand with framing hammer (3 times....probably - at this point, who's counting?)
11) Shot a 3 1/2″ finish nail through/into fingertip (which I removed by pulling through with my linesman's pliers)
12) Nose broken by baseball (5th grade - notably the first intense pain I remember literally tasting. Thanks Dad!)
13) Broken collarbone (riding home in shock, it clicked in and out of place when I pulled the clutch)
14) Thumbnail pulled out by (slowly) rotating chaingear
15) Thumbnail smashed between jamb and commercial swinging glass door (2nd grade)
16) Handcuffed for an hour and a half with no circulation to my hands underneath me (for those that don’t know, this eventually feels like fire, it has been described as similar to having frostbite thawed out)

…..okay…this is starting to feel like I’m showing off/bragging and God knows what kind of half deserved reputation I’m supplementing by going on like this; Really, I’m an intelligent, sensitive, level headed guy…….really,…. I am…….Awww, fuck it. Here is one more juicy tidbit…..This is my present yardstick for pain until I outdo myself: With a full swing of my “waffle face” framing hammer, I hit the tip of my left middle finger. The muscle tension in my hand coupled with the pressure created by the force of the blow, split the pad open like a grape and blew the fat out of my fingertip. I remember looking at my whitened split finger just once before I lost my sight and started vomiting in the dirt. I couldn’t see anything but a white blazing light that was there whether my eyes were open or closed.

I’m all better now but that finger is still a little flat.

So, in the emergency room, when they stupidly ask you to "rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10,” I ask myself accordingly; “Can I see?" and "Am I vomiting my shock into the dirt?”

Hugs and kisses,
grouchosuave

P.S. How are you?"


And to update:

I now know (1) the feeling of falling three stories, nail bags loaded with tools, onto a tree stump and breaking both my right ankle and wrist, each in three planes. The orthopedist setting the wrist a week later was the highlight there.

(2) maybe I won't go into detail sbout the episodes dealing with the abscess I came to call "Kawato" (re: "Total Recall" for you illiterates out there) except to say that you should always get the spike of anti-nauseant BEFORE the load of Dilaudid. Why spoil a lab grade smack high with puke-anxiety?