Unknown

27

i'm a dirty old man trapped in the body of a cute young girl. i'm smart and i'm facinated with poo. i really want to get into a fist fight with a small man, preferably the personification of heteronormative patriarchy, but any small man will do really. i am the only person who thinks that i am a vegetarian. i come off as tough and intimidating, but i'm really just a big woose and i scream like a girl, as it were. i wrote my thesis on conformity to and deviations from White Supremacy, Heteronormative Patriarchy, and Capitalism in John Waters’s cult classic Pink Flamingos. one day i will be the bassist and lead singer of a punk band, and i will teach young girls to respect themselves. i will write a book about my exploits and it will make me disgustingly rich. i will live in a castle william randolph hearst style, and i will marry my friend saxon. he will grow a thin mustache, wear a silk robe, and smoke a bubble pipe. we will entertain such washed up hasbeens as ‘nsync and dyna shore, and we will hire beautiful people to wear golden bathingsuits and have 24 hour/day pool parties. one day, barbara walters will interview me, and at some point i will say, "well barbara, i'm glad you asked." joan rivers will put me on her worst dressed list, and i will moon her. when i am 40, i will have long, thick, dark hair, a fit body, and huge, rock hard, fake tits. i will do too many drugs and drink too much, and i will die from drowning in a pool of my own vomit, next to the toilet, in the cabana, and my body will be found two to three days later, although i think that three is pushing it. when i die, i will be wearing huge, chunky, diamond earrings and a pair of black, satin bikini panties. at the funeral, i will be dressed in a tight, lacy, black dress, my hair will be spread out all over the pillow in my coffin, and there will be small, red roses in my hair. i will wear a pair of black rock star sunglasses, and the song "welcome to the jungle" will be playing. the end. o yeah, and i'm polish. my people put screen doors on submarines.