The wind is howling but it is warm and comforting, and it releases me into the new year of 2008. The holidays were fast and blurry, I have been stressing in my life- especially at work, seeing no results to my hard work is frustrating me and making me realize that I can give the world much more than I have been and that I am worth a-lot. I don't understand how these companies can exist that squeeze the life out of people and use them for everything, all to their benefit. I take comfort in knowing that I at the very least help people as much as I can when they come into the bank, I try to look past the fact that I am miserable in my position. All of this made me decide to volunteer my time at the hospital, on my days off I am going to go for at least four hours each day that I am not at my regular job. I am going to work my way through that and hopefully they can give me a job soon after the 3-4 months of service are over, which I will gladly do. I plan on studying to become a medical assistant or maybe even a nurse, who knows. . . but I want to be there, helping. There is so much healing that has been going on the last couple months of 2007, healing and hard lessons. I have come to understand that although I am comfortable being alone that there are people out there that I feel very close to, people that have helped me and give their time and affection to me when I needed to talk or to just hang out and escape - - -to them I am grateful and they are in my mind, always. . .

With my actual love life I have come to realize that a person cannot change unless they want to, something I always knew but wanted to ignore for some reason or another. I am not on a quest to make him understand anything, I am letting it go now and it is up to him to understand and work on parts of himself I believe could improve, things that aren't aimed at him necessarily changing his whole persona. I have asked for nothing more than what I give, and I give wholeheartly all of my love and affection. There are moments when I need his support as my partner and hope that there is an understanding of that need, it is simple things that I desire. The lines of communication need to be more clear as well, there are many misunderstandings that could have been avoided due to non-communication or the lack of wanting to speak. We grow with each other and he outcome shall be seen . . .


I believe that my love life has also helped me recognize parts of myself that I adore as well as those that I am not so proud of. I have learned through this relationship that I have to come to terms with the fact that my father has wounded me more than I could have ever imagined and that the life I led up to when I was 23 years old was a difficult one, and even after he had a way of cutting into me of hurting the very daughter that he was supposed to be nurturing. He is an alcoholic and cannot stop, yet I hold nothing against my father, but I do not respect him for what he has done to my family and I. It is a very basic relationship that we hold, nothing heartwarming- - - although when he realizes that he has once again, "fucked up" he comes to me in hopes of reconciliation. I say nothing to him anymore, I have not even told him that I have forgiven him and that I am finally, truly moving on with my life in terms of letting all of this harbored pain and anguish. A girl always wants her father, they need his support and strength and I have recieved nothing but turmoil and sadness from him, this is difficult for me because I see so many wonderful fathers with their daughters and I wish in my heart that my father could have been or could be like them, but he is not. In lew of all of this I have decided that the only way that I will let go of the past is by writing about it so I am going to do what I have done all of my life to vent, write. I am going to write everything that happened to me in my life from birth until the present moment. it will be a book of my life and I am going to be truthful and leave nothing out and perhaps one day somebody can read it and it can help them in their life, and someone out there will not feel as alone and lost as I have felt for most of my life.

I am also going to be saving up my money because I have a bad tendancy to think that I can spend what I don't have, and when I do have the money I will treat myself. I will continue reading this year, because the last couple of years I let go of that part of myself and I have so missed reading up on new things and wonderful books. I will take myself out more often, like I did way back when. . .taking myself out to the movies, or to eat. I can't just lay there anymore, I won't let myself be at a standstill. . . I have to put my thoughts into action.

There are many things that I have to take care of, my health, my mind & my situation with my job among other things that people close to me know I have to accomplish. I am not ashamed of not having done things that others have already done due to the fact that I have had a strange life. I have lived and I have seen and that is all that really matters, nothing is supposed to be in any certain order and life isn't a race. . .and I will do what I do when I do it. Some people might look at it as laziness or not understand why I am in certain position but if they knew how much I've had to overcome mentally, I am sure they would understand but its honestly of no importance to them, not their buisness.

I have come to terms that I miss my best friend terribly, we did everything together but now it seems that time and distance has lost our bond, yet I still think of her as fondly as I did and hold on to all the beautiful things that we did together. She was there for me through everything and she taught me many lessons and gave me advice when I needed it. It saddens me to think that we might not ever see each other or that by the time we do we will be so different there will be nothing, but I can't think that way because I believe in my heart that we will always mean a-lot to each other. I suppose only time will tell. . .

As for me I am going to realax today and take in my thoughts of what I want to accomplish this new year, what I want to make real in my life, I am once again getting in touch with my true self, the self that has no boundaries or restrictions or lables. I am a beautiful free creature, I am not the hurt or fear that my life tries to cut me with. . .

I hope that all of your wishes for 2008 come true.