Male

39

I don't know if God, Goddess, Spirit, supernatural, etc. is real or not. I honestly don't care anymore. I know that my belief in them is what has led me to have a better life, and sometimes this life feels really amazing. Really amazing.

It's been a long journey for me although I am young. Not according to my partner though who, when I mentioned I wanted to use Ben Gay for my stiff muscles, cooly answered, "that's what old people use." Thanks dear!

I have observed, witnessed, felt, met, and acknowledged the Divine in many, many forms. I am often moved at how privileged I am to be able to have that experience. Privileged on many levels. Honored, for sure and also in the sense that I have the means and lot in life to spend much of my day thinking about God and the meaning of life.

Much of my growth over the last few years is related to my body. I have had a couple of opportunities for growth that have asked me to confront and feel the approach of my own death.

So what do I know because of it? I know that no matter how much I strive to know the meaning of it all, that the answer will probably always elude me, and that that is a good thing. I know striving is important, and so is resting. I know I am ultimately a stronger being because of these experiences and others. And also because, as mentioned earlier, at points my life feels amazing, and those points are not distant from each other.

I have always said that I wanted the day that I die to be the best day I've ever had. With some of the days that I've been having I have wondered if any of them might be it.

For a long time I wanted to die. I thought that life here on planet earth was a punishment. I had messed up karmically and this was my punishment. What if it's a reward? What if feeling anything at all is the reward? The price of admission is the sucky times, but the reward is the growth and the pure blissful sensory experience of it all, and potentially the "sweetness of the leaving." Borrowed that from Jane Sibbery, "Love is Everything." Good stuff.

I don't know things for sure, but my belief is strong enough that my life brightens with the anticipation of life. I no longer want to escape or control this cosmic wheel. With all the force of the universe behind me, I want to live!

* of course during the sucky times all of the above is bullshit!