I think I know what makes you feel uncomfortable with me. I believe I've discovered what it is that is so plain for others to see or feel. It's my unfulfillable need. I ache with it all the time. I can't hide it. I cry about it, I rage about it, I vent and scream and ponder and revel in it constantly. I am getting to know this need that I have tried oh so hard to fill with many many things. Nothing fills it, and it's hurting and cramping inside of me.

I've been observing my behavior these last few weeks, and I've noticed a few things. For one, I am terrified all the time that I won't get what I need, or that I'll lose what I already have. I act out constantly on this fear. The wheels are always spinning in my head. "How can I get what I need? I gotta figure this out!"

Avoid, avoid, avoid. My unconscious mantra. I react unconsciously over and over again, to my thoughts and feelings. Every ritual is a distraction. Every habit is a distraction. Coffee, food, cigarettes, internet, socializing, relationships, sex, regularly scheduled meals, sleep, medication, self mutilation, gotta go, gotta do it, gotta pay that, gotta have this, gotta taste something, what am I hungry for, shoes, that's it, no, art supplies, no sex, I want a cookie, another cigarette, headache, can't breathe, tired, depressed, hopeless again, wanna die.

I am CONSTANTLY HUNGRY. I NEED. Do you have what I need? Sometimes maybe you do. But I recognize this need, and no one else can fill it. I am so sad about it too. I will never be an infant again. My Mommy and Daddy didn't give me what I needed. I have been looking all over for them, everywhere, in every face, even yours, hoping YOU will be THE ONE.

Sadly, getting it from you is like pouring water on a stone. It doesn't really penetrate. Know why? Because it isn't open, it can't open, that part of me is almost dead. My little baby is fried, died, and laid to the side. She has been lying in her own filth, barely alive with very little consciousness. I have wanted to die since I got here. Since way before this life.

So, I found her. I found her during my most recent hospital vacation. She is tiny, blue, and so very cold. In the past I've tried to give her away, but nobody wants a dead baby. Dead babies aren't cute and cuddly, they are repulsive and disturbing, and oh so sad. But now I'm holding her, and crying over her barely moving little body. As each tear drops onto her porcelain face, she warms a little bit more. And her need is SO BIG. It's overwhelming. But I can do this I think.

So, I was barely able to get this out. I am in a time and place before words. Goo goo ga ga. I am going to stay with her until we have a routine going. I feel like a new mom. I gotta get to know this kid and bring her home. She's mine. She's me. I'll never leave her again.

I'll talk to you all real soon.