all today i've had in the back of my mind a doubt as to the creation i was spinning as i talked.  the topic of conversation was overwhelmingly centered around unemployment and being unable to find one's people.  i swear i'm not making this up. 

whenever people start in on topics along that train of thought, it feels difficult to shift tracks, and i always end up participating and in a depressed mood afterward.  everything was fine!  i was even going to the mountain to walk ella and after the conversation didn't make it.  and then i ate ice cream.  at the end of some days i simply throw in the towel, like today. 

wait!  i'm wanting to make this a gratitude thing.  rrrrchchch!

things that went nicely today included being able to buy groceries and work on my website with my mother.  i'm not so damaged that i don't recognize the benefit of interaction with one's family of origin.  some f.o.o.'s are not covered by that statement, but in my case, since thanksgiving, it applies.  that right there is something to dwell upon; the sheer luck of that success was like if you were to take a pile of junk from a loot-acquisition binge at a sunday garage sale and sit down that day to organize the jewelery into necklaces, rings, and earrings.  at least the chains are lined up, even if you know you probably won't take it to antiques road show for three years.

right. 

so another nice thing that i noticed today was the sunshine.  if you've ever been H$*@ you'll know exactly how neat that stuff is, or perhaps not, but it seems to me to have properties of a substance in its own right when you look at it sort of cloaking stuff.  i like staring at its glistening goldenness, which seems to be particulate, trying to peer closer and having to blink.  i think of it as god's presence/consciousness, like s/he's staring back at me from the glitter sparkling across bare twigs of winter saplings, or frost-encrusted blackberry vines, or hair.  sunlight is a metaphor for god to me.  (insert deity/substitute of choice of course.)

i'm thinking it was nice to be warm in my car as i drove home.  gratitude is about the littlest of things some days.  and that's okay..some days. 

even though i didn' t make it to the mountain as originally planned, i think it was neat how right before i left my house this 'morning' i got an email announcement from a friend saying that one of my favorite cafes is hiring again.  i made time to print off a resume and cover letter before leaving and took it in today on my way home.  maybe i'll get the job.

questionable side trip:  sometimes i feel like i put a little too much emphasis on 'coincidence' as if it were indicating or nudging me in some direction.  in college i was a lost soul for six years, following the most odd 'signs' from synchronicities to hints and whispers, often A(*% or P!# related.  there was a point when i just threw in the towel so to speak on all of that, because it never led anywhere meaningful for me.  it was more like after-ripples from a major mind blowing event in 1993 that went sour.  anyway, now when mystical or coincidental things occur in my life, i pay attention but don't go down any rabbit holes.  it's a mental stretch, but i'm saying i'm thankful for wisdom and detachment.  if other-worldly creatures want to contact me, they can show me three clear signs or something definite.  LOL

my mother and i got a lot done today actually, not really 'doing' anything per se, but getting onto the same page about some details that have been holding her up.  and besides, i think it's fair to say that she thrives on contact with her kids.  last night i woke up finally missing my grandmother, who passed away a month ago.  i knew the feeling would emerge from all the damn drama in the way eventually - i just didn't know when.  well, i consider this positive because movement must be progress in emotional situations. 

so much of my life i've wanted to scale back my possessions.  there is always a point reached after a certain amount of time in a new home when it starts to feel like the things i own are suffocating me. 

detour.  internet garage sale flyer.  back to your regularly scheduled programming.

right, where was i?  i guess it's a good time to roll on out of this mediocre attempt.  but let me leave with this idea, 'editing is good.'  oh, i mean 'things are going to be okay, kiddos.'

gratitude:

i'm so glad that the weirdness i experienced friday through monday has dissipated.  i was seriously scared.  i just got into bed early last night and sort of lowered my expectations of life, and the rest was exactly what i must have needed.  several of my friends have mentioned mercury going into retrograde and other astrological causes for strangeness, and you know i think they might be onto something.  what i just experienced was the weirdest thing in my life.  i'm grateful for my social network chiming in when i need it most.

i'm grateful for this city, which is filled with fun and interesting events and people.  all those years stuck in logging and college towns is water under the bridge.  i feel like i live somewhere that matches me a bit. 

my cat is well-behaved and sweet.  i worked on him with my ex for months while he was a kitten, and today he is a good cat who doesn't run away or eat furniture, except his cat chair, which is okay!  he also understands mostly when i am working, and when i should be playing, he won't shut up until i stop the madness and hang out.  as far as roomies go, he's pretty fabulous.

i'm grateful for my family's receptivity to my efforts to bring them up to the positive present.  i thought all my life that there was just too much badness to wade through to get to now, but they surprised me.  nobody's perfect of course, but they showed me that they want to try to be a better group.  it's kind of a 21st century miracle really.  like you don't hear about families coming around from a very bad past often.  i tried really hard and stayed focused.  there is work to be done with each interaction, yet it seems that the major turning point that needed to be crossed went more easily than i could have reasonably expected.  each day is a new chance.  and i see their delight.

art is so fun and freeing for me, and i'm tickled to have low-key opportunities to participate in the local community via my artwork.  it was always tough for me to decide on one vocation/endeavor, and i finally did that in 2000 when i chose to pursue a post-bac (graduate) degree in landscape architecture.  that turned out to be three-and-a-half years of serious work!  and i finished and made a career out of it.  i have a lot of faith in this and know it will always be interesting to me.  so i'm very grateful to have found my passion as far as work goes.  the ensuing challenge has been to somehow balance all of my other interests.  being able to dabble in the community has helped soothe my rambunctious spirit with a diverse offering of opportunities for creative expression in one form or another, whether it be dance, art, or sewing.  i'm grateful to have opportunities for utilizing myself in this life.

more gratitude to come..

 

okay, interesting that these corporate prompts to fill one's blog are compelling sometimes.  i went on a blind date like a year ago or something, and i never saw the guy again (thankfully), but he said it so well:  an artist is someone who lives and breathes art, spends their days and nights creating art, will starve for the sake if necessary.  well, i get asked all the time if i'm an artist, and before that blind date i felt it to be an awkward question, but now i can say no with conviction.  yes, i paint, sculpt, draw, take photographs, and design clothing, and i show these things in galleries.  but do i wake up to create artwork?  sometimes yes, it compels me from my bed.  but most days, i get up in an artistic mood but go hiking or eat something instead.  i pay my bills via work that is very creative and use my artistic vision a lot, but there's a difference between that and being able to honestly call myself an artist.

today was a day of rejection for me.  i both offered a form of it and was the recipient of another form of it.  i suppose i think that is very strange in a way, because the odds of being on the receiving and gifting ends of such a human experience 'simultaneously' are fairly low.  in both situations i did what was true for me, and the quote i posted to tribe about survival via social connectivity is a little inappropriate for what i have gone through today. 

to be honest feels wonderful in a way that nothing else quite touches.  it appears that one of my actions has rendered me vulnerable to a disinterested party, and this does smart; i can feel myself cringing, sort of hunching through life today.  and the other of my actions definitively rejected someone by breaking off a relationship that had clarified itself in my mind as uninteresting and even distasteful.  this didn't smart at all, except if you count his undeft recourse to claim he felt the same way, clearly an ego trip and related to my past two weeks of withdrawing.  his attempt smarted because it was manufactured to hurt me.  i can let go of it easily, however. 

the more difficult release lies in the recognition that i misinterpreted what i thought were social signals from my crush of one year.  in order to move forward and out of cyclic thinking about this rejection i have to sit with the actual feeling of it for as long as it takes to run its course.  i was wrong.  i put myself out there and came back empty handed.  of course, the release is kick-started by the action of putting my true feelings outside of me into the world for another to react to.  it is a difficult triumph of the soul. 

now i am one less lover and one less crush, and i know what it feels like to be both on the giving and the receiving end of rejection.

"i can't fight the fighter

i keep losing ground

& i can't hide the hider

with you hangin' around

i can't & i won't



you better run for your life

but i'm walkin'



i can't love the hater

it's a losing game

& never love a quitter

you'll get left in the rain

i can't help the helper

when my feet are bound

i can't feel you near me

if you're not the only sound

you are pure light



you better count all your reasons

i'm leavin'



how do you like the way

you feel when i leave you?"