The last time I blogged I talked about the status of my relationship. Well, I'm still with the guy. I'm finding that he really doesn't want to hear a lot of what I have to say though. I was telling him about an email I got today and he said "you told me about that last week". I left it alone. The irony is that I want someone to talk to and who will listen, but he does all the talking.

I went in last week and had a mammogram done. Today they called to tell me that I need to come in for some more scans. Some people might think no biggie, but it is to me. My mind has wandered the entire gamut and I need someone to talk to about all the possibilities. no one ever wants to think about what the worst could be. However, it is there, in the back of your mind. This could be something that will make a major change in my life and the person that I'm supposed to be intimate with doesn't make me feel like I can talk to him about this. If you don't want to talk about trivial stuff, you really don't want to talk about the serious stuff. He has shared some dark sides of himself with me and I've listened and discussed it with him. This really makes me want to cry, but at the same time I feel it is stupid to cry over this.

The other thing I've come to the realization of is that pretty much Sunday night through Thursday night he'll be here. But come Friday and Saturday night, he's gone. Must be with his "mistress", as he calls it. This is cool too. He asks do I mind if he goes, would it matter if I did? The man is grown and can do as he wishes. He just needs to realize that thisbehavior is probably what has caused all his relationships to end. Giving someone money or having sex is really not the important thing. Time, quality time, is what is important. You need to be there for someone when they want to talk, when they need support, a hug or a word of encouragement. There's a song that says: Tell me how would you feel if I stayed out late and didn't even call. Wasn't there to pick you up whenever you fall. If I didn't smile and compliment you when I should . Tell me what would you do, if the shoe was on the other foot. You should do unto others as you would have them do to you. You reap what you sow and that's how it goes. So be careful what you do.

He does show appreciation for how I dress and look, which I appreciate because it has caused me to take better care of myself. I feel really nice when I dress well and have my hair fixed. He is very driven by how people look and dress.

As I said before life for me right now is bittersweet. I spend time looking back on my life and wonder if I was too cavalier in some things. If maybe I took too much for granted and didn't really appreciate what I had.

08/14/09