Well, it will be hard for the Demrats to top the Republicans’ showing yesterday, and by hard we mean extremely easy. Hopefully the Random Editor Questioner (REQ) got her shit together overnight and will exploit the candidates’ prejudices with petty race-baiting binarisms, rather than talk about fiscal or education policy. Our liveblog will kick off in this very post at 2 p.m. EST, which rapidly approaches. Meanwhile, check out the above clip from yesterday’s Hardball in which Chris Matthews says he wants to waterboard Air America’s Rachel Maddow. Oh, and get drunk, right.

1:53 — Apparently a bunch of these senator Demrats were in Washington today voting for that energy bill that didn’t pass (see earlier) and had to hop on charter jets quickly to make Iowa in time. They didn’t share jets though because of “ethics conflicts,” which CNN says are bullshit. In other words, the price of crude oil will probably jump three cents today because of these selfish fucks. But, anyway.

1:56 — This “live response” system with undecided voters: we ignored it yesterday, we’ll ignore it today.

1:57 — One undecided voter: “They need to talk about the economy. A lot.” Please no! Anything but the economy! I have a job so I don’t give a shit.

2:00 — Oh, Iowa Public Teevee. You need money and a hot meal.

2:01 — REQ promises to focus on “real” issues again. Ugh. I can’t imagine how boring the Des Moines Register is with this robo in charge.

2:03 — They’re going to start with money talk. Again. Balance the budget she says? Like that’s even fucking possible anymore? We need a new Internet boom to do that. We need a new Internet in general.

2:04 — The crowd is having abortions to support the party.

2:05 — Barry: I’d balance the budget, but there’s just so much budget to snuggle with!

2:06 — Richardson: I balanced the budget in Mexico. The New one. The old Mexico is nothing to me.

2:06 — Biden just said he wants to take away some of the funding for “Star Wars.” That wasn’t even one of his many hilarious jokes.

2:08 — Edwards: “Corporate power and greed has literally taken over the government.” Which one is Bush and which is Cheney?

2:10 — Richardson: I’ll advocate a constitutional amendment for balancing the budget, except most major factors (defense, social security) will be excluded.

2:12 — Clinton: I want to raise taxes on everyone, except the several billionaires who support me. Also, I want a husband that loves me.

2:14 — Crazy Eyed Joe, that Star Wars shit was like 20 years ago. Do you also want to tear down the Berlin Wall? I think we can manage that. How about we fire all the air traffic people? Maybe get Alzheimer’s later on in life? These things, and more.

2:16 — Richardson: we need to keep the Army going, because I have had lots of jobs. I only speak in non sequitur, and that’s what the drunk Guatemalan asked me.

2:18 — OK Bill, I know we make fun of you a lot, but you iz smart. There. Positive comment for the day, natch.

2:19 — Someone needs to say “saber-rattling” and then run around naked on the stage screaming about space nukes. I nominate Joe.

2:21 — Joe: “Hillary touched the point…” Um, penis, I guess.

2:22 — Would anyone ever have sex with REQ? Like does she have children and shit? Someone Google her.

2:24 — Richardson wants more study of heart disease. Way to think about the country as a whole.

2:25 — Edwards misspeaks! The veneer of shiny hotness is shattered! Then he almost slaps Hillary in the face with his wide-armed “WHADDAYAGONNADO?” giggle gesture.

2:27 — There are no interns available to harass on g-chat, so I g-chatted a former editor instead for commentary:

me: pareene, make a funny special guest comment for my democratic debate liveblog!

it’s going really boringly

Alex: haha

Alex: why are they doing them in the middle of the day now?? going after the tyra audience?

me: there were air time issues, because apparently it’s not as important as what would otherwise be on primetime iowa public tv

Alex: yeah the affiliates would never hear the end of it if these big city fairies interrupted “can you husk faster than a fifth-grader”

2:31 — Yes, NAFTA should be scrapped, all the Northern industrial cities will get their factories back and hopefully, within 50 years, the service-based economy will revert to the Stone Age.

2:32 — Hillary: We don’t want to be “trade patsies.” The Bill Clinton-era “trade fascists” is much better.

2:33 — Joe Biden goes to church with the Governor of Mexico. Do they worship… being losers?

2:34 — What is this War in the Iraqs they speak of? Well, Joe says he’ll end it, so I guess I’ll… still probably not ever vote for him.

2:36 — Bill Richardson is taking at least 60 percent of teeveez time. It seems like Barry and Hillary have talked twice. So that’s good for the ratings.

2:39 — Ooh, Hillary cares about carbon taxes affecting “jobs” and “the middle class.” These comments were totally planted within herself.

2:40 — I’m sorry, Barack just sounds retarded talking about this energy stuff. So innovations get potential… and then they… get investors? To like, help them build good-like? Is this some new form of econometrics you’ve just invented?

Giving donations to charities set up to help wounded veterans is a really, really good thing, except when the charities are designed to enrich themselves and their friends and don’t give a crap about really helping veterans. And, naturally, there are plenty of those.

No less than eight major veterans charities have been caught giving less than one-third of their donations to actual charitable services. Fully 12 charities failed the American Institute of Philanthropy’s standards (give 65% of donations to the cause, assholes) for being a good charity. One charity, in fact, gave less than 1 cent to wounded veterans for every dollar they collected. Their excuses? Fundraising is expensive.

The 12 failing charities, by the way, collected $266 million from Americans last year. One charity, Help Hospitalized Veterans, made $72 million in donations, but spent $4 million of that on direct mail alone and paid its exec and his wife $530,000 in salary and benefits. It gave less than $25 million to actual wounded veterans.

Basically, most of these guys got screwed at least once by our government, and then screwed again by these “charities” who were supposed to be spending your money to help them. But I’m sure they appreciate how that $540,000 household income of the executive of HHV helped him maintain the lifestyle to which they were able to become accustomed by pretending to help wounded veterans. That’s the American Way, after all, that they were wounded trying to protect.

Study Faults Charities for Veterans [Washington Post]

• Heard on the Hill: Members of Congress going sans condiments…Alan Keyes is desperate and confused…Sens. Pete Domenici and Tom Coburn inadvertently join “Beards for Budget”…Rep. John Dingell knows he’s a poet…Go to the party with Guitar Hero…John Kerry knows football. [Roll Call]
• Reliable Source: Who knew D.C. has paparazzi?….Watch out for Fake Bono!…New film The Walker gets Washington gay bars all wrong. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Party goers had to choose between Dick Cheney and Valerie Plame…9 votes against Christmas…Reason magazine throws “A Very Secular Christmas” party. [Examiner]
• In the Know: Rep. Shelley Berkley is ready to leave D.C. for the happiest place on earth…John Boehner roughed up David Hobson. [The Hill]
• Shenanigans: Sen. Lindsey Graham gets friendly with Al Franken…Senior Democratic Senator doesn’t want a pimped out ride…John Kerry got a surprise party done right…The Barney cam! [Politico]
• The Sleuth: Sen. Bill Nelson plays nice with the DNC. [WP]

Citizens United, a right-wing political group dedicated to such things as the “rejection of one-world government” and enacting “key elements of President Bush’s conservative legislative and policy agenda” has a movie about Hillary. It’s totally a movie, people, not a political ad or anything. Just because it’s coming out in the midst of primary season and smears Hillary doesn’t mean it’s tantamount to political advertising, they swear!

The documentary stars such nonpartisan notables as Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, Dick Armey, Kathleen Willey and Larry Kudlow The filmmaker, David Bossie (a one-time staffer for Republican Congressman Dan Burton) wants to let the younger generations know all about the travel office scandal, apparently not realizing that no one really gives a shit when they do actually know about it.

Despite the movie not being, you know, done (despite press on its site that says it was supposed to be released last fall), Bossie wants to start running ads for it, which are IN NO WAY meant to be political ads against Hillary. The Federal Elections Commission disagreed with Bossie’s assertion (apparently, the bullshit meter was functioning that week) and is saying that the ads have to run with the standard political disclaimer or not at all. So Citizens United is suing, naturally, claiming that “These ads are selling a product.” Umm, right. A product that doesn’t exist yet and might not before the election that you’re hoping to influence with the product, which is why you want to run the ads now.

Now Playing: An Anti-Clinton Ad? [Washington Post]

Oh, I think you remember her. But if you can’t, think about the last time you had screaming night terrors about the Federal Reserve and the Eye of Mordor teaming up to take away your common sense. This was the day you were introduced to Paultard Crazy Eyes, who has a new video today about irrigation or some such. She is watching watching watching, she is knowing all…. [YouTube]

Download (3.8MB video)

Download (4.8MB video)