My Daddy is a hottie! I feel a smug contentment. (which makes me feel very naughty indeed) Because my partner, my lover, my completness is the most amazing person i've ever met. I don't feel like being smug is a good thing , but i simply cannot help it. There was a little girl who was also into ageplay coming to visit me next week who changed her mind, for some reason... Actually she decided she'd rather go visit another couple. I was hurt for a bit... but i'm not anymore. actually, come to think of it, i wasn't hurt for very long at all. The reason being is this: I'm secure enough in my relationships with the people i already know, that someone not liking me rolls off me now, the way it never would have in the past.
Looking back at the Citadel and all the people in it when i first decided i was into bdsm i tried to please everyone. I in fact, loved serving everyone. I spent the entire week looking forward to the weekends or to wednesday night when i used to stay over. But the longer i stayed in the scene, in some ways, the more hurt i became. All i saw was my joy in serving. It didn't matter who other people were because i felt like they were being good to me by letting me serve them. A year ago, maybe a year and a half i know so differently. It was a shocking time for me. And it hurt. Because i realized that people were mostly out for what they could get. This Me, me me, mentality. Take take take. It hurt, but i distanced myself and relaized i really just needed to concentrate on serving the people who were closest to me.
I feel so much love. I feel like i could give everything i have. I want to shower the people around me. I want to take my friend's broken hearts and heal them. I love them so much. I am strong again. and i want to cry with joy.
Joy. Does everyone hear that. I don't feel like i'm broken anymore. I have purpose in life. Someone to serve. I've found some soul mates. Kevin... my Daddy. Uncle Don brings me happiness. i'm accepted and loved. So what if some random silly little girl choose to play with someone else.
I do ageplay for real! I live it every day. I have toys and clothes and a room devoted all to the things i need. Let the other little girl be popular online. It dosn't bother me.*Smiles* Actually i realized that it never bothered me. I laughed. i'm strong. I rock. There's lots of other people who do like me. Some people come to me for advice about ageplay. Not only do i understand it but i breathe it. I love it. I take it all in, process what other's are unwilling to process and find out answers. why do people do this? what's the connection between abuse as children? Is it safe? does it hurt anyone? am i a freak because i like to be a non-sexual little girl sometimes? Will people hold it against me?
I am free.
I went out into the sunshine today with my Daddy. I sat in the car listening to some music with the sunshine falling in and just watched him while he drove. Do i deserve such happiness? I feel, almost like my heart won't be able to hold it all in. That somehow the happiness will break. But it can't. It's safe. I'm safe. I'm acknowledging that now. I can actually feel like that for stretches at a time. I'm safe, i'm safe, i'm safe. No one can hurt me anymore because i've got my foundation. I promise to do right by him. i promise to try so hard. I see how much he loves me everytime he looks into my eyes. I get a silent thrill every time i see him across the room and he smiles at me. He loves me so much. And i can't believe it. I never thought i would be good enough to find someone so special. I thought all that emotional pain i was going through was because i was bad. I was a bad girl and i deserved to be frightened and alone because that's what was supposed to happen. Such a silly girl.
I'm not bad. i give with all my heart. i love just as much and it makes me happy to see people around me so happy. but my happiness is due to the fact that i am loved. And that i'm secure. I am loved! All it took for me to be complete was to feel loved and cared for by another person. I'm not worried about the things i used to worry about. I have food, i have a place to stay and my Daddy loves me more than anyone else on the planet. i have REAL friends... not those to be confused with fairweather. I can't count them all on one hand anymore. I am blessed. So much more so than i feel i should. But i won't question it. I realize that i've had some faulty thinking since my youth. I was told i was stupid and worthless and so being treated that way i just accepted it. But Daddy values me, and so do a whole lot of other people, bob, brian, kia, kevin, uncle don, eric, nicole, my sister...just to name a few. I will never feel that way every again. I have self worth and so much to give other people....
In essence... I'm happy. And i'm inlove. And nothing can break down these walls. I'm growing so much everyday. Everytime something potentially hurtful happens Will is right here with me. And i commonly realize that he's been slowly giving me the confidence to handle things not on my own. To deal with things and keep them in perspective. *le sigh* Thank the world and heaven for Daddies. What would i do without mine?