8july8.initium

Hello Tuesday. I’m looking forward to getting things done today. I’ve tried a number of anti-depressant activities and therapies. Vitamins seem to work with the least side effects. Exercise is even better, but my schedule doesn’t really allow swimming like I used to. There are a few eastern exercises that I could do, but I’m not there just yet. I’m working on taking a few minutes each day to handle tasks. As the week flows, those tiny steps will (hopefully) add up to a sense of accomplishment and completion that hasn’t really been mine for a while. Full catastrophe living is over. The baby has shown me the importance of planning and all that. Sure, it’s still new and I’m wanting to put things into 5th gear on the second day out. That’s fine though. eventually, I’ll be a mighty oak instead of feeling like some nut who fell out of a tree. I don’t have to write golden verse, just a write a bit more regularly. Eventually, the well will spring forth and I will be able to get into writing about the evolution of video porn through the last 30 years. When did shaving one’s genitals become so widespread? Also, I’d like to write about castration of the environmental movement. Recycling and caring about the environment does not carry the social credence of motorsports or handling firearms. What makes that so? Writing for a few minutes each day will help me get my mind around and into those ideas.

2jan8.misdemeanor

A friend of mine asked me why I don’t really share some of what I find interesting on the interweb. i have a ton of bookmarks, but don't really share any of them. for awhile, I used school as an excuse and now that I’m done with that I’ve decided to start sharing some of what I find interesting. So let’s get started:

Jim woodring’s Frank:
www.youtube.com/watch

frank is really cool. It would be too easy to say that words can’t describe this stuff. I picked up a copy of the frank book last year. also, there are a bunch of toys of the characters. Toys and sculpting are loads of fun. I have a pet project that I put off until now. I got a Munny last x-mas and want to make it into the scene from akira where dude’s arm goes all crazy. Ok…a bunch of people may not know what I’m talking about, so

I’ll post a few explanatory links coz that’s a pretty obscure scene to some:
www.kidrobot.com/html/munny3/index.html

images.google.com/images

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akira_(manga)

data1.blog.de/blog/b/book...t_io2_01.jpg

gdedioscustoms.blogspot.com/2005....html

i2.photobucket.com/albums/y..._2140.jpg

so yeah…that would be cool…

lego scenes from the bible:
www.thebricktestament.com/

this is just silly. But x-tians can play w/ lego too…and I can laugh at them, no???

Manabu Yamanaka’s photography from japan:
www.ask.ne.jp/%7Eyamanaka...ohkan-e.html

like I said earlier, sometimes my fetishes take me to strange places. This time it started w/ a fascination w/ the asama sanso incident…do what? Yeah…me too:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asam...o_incident

so there’s a movie about it called kichiku. It’s super gory, but I’m still not sure if it’s up there with the ichi anime…

www.animenewsnetwork.com/encyc...me.php

www.totalfilm.com/dvd_revie...me_version

I’m not going to get into arguing which is better (live action v. anime). They’re both awesome for their own reasons. My point is that yamanaka’s photos are beautiful in the same vein as woodring’s ( jimwoodring.com/ ) frank. I’d say that the photos are more like r.kern (www.viceland.com/int/v13n7.../kern2.php ), but maybe not…

www.viceland.com/int/v13n7.../index.php

www.ask.ne.jp/%7Eyamanaka/wukong-e.html

but those photos are more like aphex twin’s rubber Johnny viddy

www.youtube.com/watch

I love aphex twin so much that I have a cd full of mp3’s…it’s like 7+ hours and I still can’t get enough high pitched squeaks and gurgles…

Anyway…I’m off to download the new daft punk album…alive 2007…

isohunt.com/torrents/

ps: the live in coachella set is super awesome. Headbanging choons for a long drive in the summer or whenever…

leap of faith

Hello Todd,

I write to you with great reluctance and mixed emotions. Yes, that time has finally arrived. While in the process of completing my internship hours and preparing for my final oral exams, I know that there is something else that needs my attention. I have to resign from ASI. My last day will be the Friday, 26th of October.
I have considered leaving many times in the last three years for one reason or another, but the relationships I built with JC and CV kept me from leaving. Words just cannot completely cover the range of feelings I am working through right now. Part of me feels excited because I am about to start the next stage of my career. I am reaching a real-life, long-term goal. Another part of me is torn by what is called anticipatory grief. I am walking away from two friends with whom I have spent the last three years, sharing the highs and lows of our mutual experiences.
I have begun going on interviews with various agencies around the city. While I chose not to leave for just a slight increase in pay, the packages being offered now are much more attractive. I have to make more money in order provide for my family now. My priorities have shifted in the last few years, and I have to make decisions to accommodate such change.
My time with ASI has pushed me to develop new skills. One of these is meeting deadlines. I hate paperwork, but I love getting paid. The connection between the two became crystal clear in the last three years. Also, I was able to establish a solid work record. My three years with ASI definitely give me a solid foundation to base my next few steps. I have seen many changes in both the agency and myself during that time and am grateful for the opportunity that was extended back in July of 2004.
I have enjoyed working here and will continue my personal friendship with you and your staff.
Sincerely,
Joel Reed

So that’s my letter of resignation from ASI. I’d prefer to just give two weeks, but I’m under contract to give a notice in writing and 30 days notice, so I had to go the formal route. I’m more grateful to my grandmother whose encyclopedia of letters gave me the format I used. Sure, the front piece is a but awkward, but I really wanted to get my point across. What point is that? Well, I have wanted to quit many times, but not just for a few pennies more across the street. Also, the relationships I developed with my clients was more of a friendship than a client/therapist. We’ve seen changes over time and I wanted to comment on that.
At the same time, I am excited about looking for new work and going on interviews. The one this morning felt very solid. I was thrown by a question regarding schizophrenia. When I looked up the answer @ home, I realized that what I said was accurate. I guess that I actually did learn something in grad school. I have heard myself comment on the level of academic rigor and how I left SF in order to focus on the books. I guess that the message between the lines is that I am pretty smart when I focus and can do more than I actually give myself credit for being capable of doing. Part of me just doesn’t see what everyone has been seeing since I was little. Back then; my uncle called me “the professor.” It just felt awkward, being praised for reading or wanting to know about pyramids, chemistry, or whatever else caught my attention. More and more, I’m grateful to my grandmother for encouraging me to dig deeper into books. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for her. She got me into drawing and painting as well. Things wouldn’t be and aren’t the same without her…

baby's 1st day @ school (yeah, really)

So I just left the baby w/ some women I just met. I know, it sounds crazy to me as well. She’s @ this agency where a friend of ACV’s leaves her son, so that’s a very good recommendation. Also, we went by yesterday & chatted w/ the director. I believe that was her position, but I’m really not sure. They were really nice & answered my questions without being defensive or condescending. That was a major piece for me b/c we’ve been to a few places & they made me feel uneasy. Here I am working on my master’s in counseling; I’m almost done w/ internship. I should be done in a couple of months. Anyway, some of the people have been real snooty towards us. That wasn’t the case @ this place & that was a big piece for me. Also, when we were there this morning, the women said that the attachment anxiety I was feeling was normal which really put me at ease. I have heard a few people say that there aren’t many dads involved with their kids and that’s really shocking to me. It just seems natural for me to be there for CER. The house feels empty without her, but I’m stoked about being able to just sit & write for awhile without having to worry about a screaming baby. I had forgotten what the house was like when it’s just me here. Well, maybe not totally forgotten but I had gotten used to the idea of babysitting. I guess that what I’m saying is that I’m into the whole parenting thing. It feels awkward sometimes b/c I don’t see many other black dads working through it all. at the same time though, the guys @ the lodge have been really supportive & offered encouragement. The flowers they sent were real nice too…

But I’d like to look into doing something around fatherhood though. when we were doing the birthing & parenting classes, the guys seemed to be along for the ride instead of really getting what they needed as far as info or support. Sure, I’m projecting some, but I read an article that suggested all male parenting classes helped guys to get more involved in the whole scene. I can agree with that b/c so much of the focus is on the mommy, and that makes sense. I think that daddy needs some type of support as well though. there are a number of guy things that don’t really get much attention. Like what? Well, for me, no one mentioned the fact that I would be changing a naked girl baby. I’m not sexually attracted to my daughter by any stretch of the imagination, but when I see naked vaginas, a certain set of attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors are cued. I have to put all that on the shelf & finish the job @ hand. Diapers are nasty, but I’m pretty much used to the fact that I’ll be changing them for a couple of years. Also, I don’t think that the baby’s all that cute anymore. Lovable? Yes, but with all the crying & screaming, the cuteness has worn thin. Sure, when she smiles and gurgles, I’m enraptured, but I know what’s underneath that. So yeah, I think that having some type of all male parenting class is something for me to do. I’ve been running groups for a few months & am about to get onto the licensure track. How hard would it be to gear up w/ other daddies? It’s something to look into once I’ve gotten everything done w/ school. I’m sure that there’s more men who feel the same way about kids. Maybe some wanted to have them & set out on that path, but I know that some guys are just along for the ride. Getting them involved can only help the family structure b/c dads are important. I’m sure that there’s some grief, loss, or trauma involved in all of that. For me, I’m facing the hole where my dad wasn’t. he died a few months after I was born, so I have no solid memories of him. I feel like the whole thing is an extended ad lib for me. People have said that I’m a good dad, but even that doesn’t ring true for me since I don’t have a frame of reference for what a good dad is or isn’t. I’ve been reading up on child abuse & neglect lately, so I know a bit more about that now. The thing is that I’m doing what comes naturally. I heard that was a good place to start. I’m not afraid of asking questions either…

I’ve been looking at the jobs that are out there for a master’s level student and there are quite a few. The latest angle for me is the connection between jobs offered and my specialty: grief, loss, & trauma counseling. Like I saw a listing for an academic counselor. Getting through graduate school definitely makes on an academic, but where’s the connection? Also, I have seen a number of listings for case managers. Part of me is reluctant to go that route. Why? It doesn’t seem like a good fit in my eyes. Maybe that’s something for me to bring up w/ my therapist who’s gone through this whole route before. He’s been doing therapy for 10-15 years, so that makes him a good source for answering my questions. One of the best things I heard was that it will probably take 3-5 years to get ready for private practice if only b/c no one really knows me & probably won’t refer clients my way as a result. Getting settled in the bay area will definitely be a great place to do some work b/c I’ve wanted to support the black community since I left. Now I’m in a much better position to do so. That really feels good to me b/c I won’t have quite as much of a barrier to work through. Instead of having to work through race, I’ll have to focus more on class differences. I wouldn’t mind buying a house in HP off 3rd street though. some of those houses are nice. I’m looking forward to getting back in a major way. Words don’t even come close to describing the emotions I feel when I think about it all: the food, the beach, the music, my friends, the culture…

Speaking of culture, I have been wrestling with a question and ultimately I have to admit that I’m just a big nerd. I’m fine with such a description b/c school is pretty interesting for me. The question: “Is pop culture “dumbing down” america?” was posed by my brother a few days back. (yes, we’re talking again. That’s a whole other deal) my response is that pop culture is like eating fast food. If that’s all one consumes then there are resulting issues with a direct connection from such a diet. I have to admit that I am in the outlying minority though b/c the norm these days seems to be moving away from actively engaging what one consumes and towards tying on the feedbag of media. At the same time, I realize that the mainstream is and has been the majority. I am much more finicky about what I like for movies, books, or tv. My music tastes are eclectic at best. House music has never gotten mainstream approval. The disco backlash seems to be balanced by the 90s rave scene. I just don’t want to admit to the anesthetizing effect of pop culture. I resist fascination with celebrity and glamour. It means nothing to me b/c I don’t know anyone who lives like that in my daily life. None of the big names interest me, but that doesn’t stop the Hollywood machine from churning out scandals, photos, and drama week after month after year. As far as dumbing down, I wonder about the stats regarding higher education. Have less doctorates or masters degrees been distributed in the last 10-20 years? Is the question harkening back to some “golden age” when celebrity meant less and young people were focused on something else? To me, the whole thing feels like a trap. It’s one of those questions with an implied yes answer. [this is x, isn’t it? Only a fool would believe something like that, no?] I guess that some of that media literacy stuff sank in along the way through school. to me, a lot of that stuff seemed obvious, but maybe I’m the only one who sees things that way. I don’t really care if I am, I’ve gotten used to such a long time back…

internship paper...

here's my final paper for internship class...thought i'd share since i haven't posted in a bit:

Joel Reed
31August7

“There's a common law enforcement / military / emergency preparation saying: ‘In a crisis, you will not rise to the occasion, but merely default to your level of training.’ ”

The above quote comes from a response to a friend’s blog. It does not belong to me, but it sums up my present emotions succinctly. The whole discussion started with my friend talking about having to take her daughter to the hospital with a high fever. She often talks about the frustration of parenting along with the joy. Finishing my internship with a newborn in tow has proven to push all of my buttons and even a few of which I was previously unaware. While in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and dashed on the rocks, I have found a new sense of inner resolve that stems from what I have learned in pursuit of my master’s degree.
When I started back in the fall of 2004, I was brash, cocky, and ready for a fight. Now, as I finish my internship hours, those same adjectives apply, but they no longer mask insecurity or apprehension. Instead of trying to fill the holes in my life with stuff, books, or other people, I have come to a place where those empty spaces have been filled by personal growth. This year has challenged everything I know and believe. I have become both a freemason and a father. In a few weeks, I will become a master of the art of counseling. Each has shown me that the things I have been seeking have been within me this whole time. While part of me feels like Dorothy at the end of “The Wizard of Oz”, another part of me looks forward to the challenges ahead.
I now see that I have had the personal fortitude to accomplish whatever I choose all along. I feel that a real transformation has occurred in that the doubts and insecurities that plagued me in the past have faded in the light of conscious awareness. A prime example of this occurred last week during a group I have been running. One of the members stated that she wanted to just let go and live off the street. She wanted revenge on the drunken individual who struck her, causing severe physical and neurological damage. Instead of feeling threatened, I was able to respond from what I learned in class and during my time with San Francisco Suicide Prevention Hotline. I let her know that ultimately the choice was hers. At the same time, that choice would affect others around her. She would leave a number of people behind if she chose to die and they would definitely feel some type of loss. I avoided laying a guilt trip on her while involving the rest of the group at the same time. We all live in a community of one sort or another and it is easy to lose sight of how our choices affect our friends and family.
After group was over, I took some time to debrief with my supervisor because I tend to minimize the impact of events. I told her what had happened and we spent some time talking about it all. Even though it seemed to be somewhat ordinary, I had to admit that I had to go above and beyond my usual skill set. I had to bring out some of the more specialized tools in order to put her issues into a context where she went from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to feeling supported and involved. To me, that is nothing special. I believe anyone could do that. Again, minimizing is an old habit of mine. When I heard praise for how I handled the situation, an awkward feeling overtook me. I have to admit that I have learned how to not only handle crisis situations, but I am also able to empower people feeling the desperation of suicide. Not everyone can do that and make it seem easy, in a group or one on one situation.
Instead of denying or arguing with complements, I have begun listening to the core message. I enjoy praise and contradicting it tends to prevent more from coming my way. While this may seem simple, this lesson has eluded me for years and years. My point is that while I felt awkward hearing that I did the right thing, someone noticed what I did and let me know that. Accepting that fact is a huge step for me because I usually feel like I handled things clumsily at best and sloppily at worst. My internship experience has shown me that I actually am capable of applying what I learned in class in real world situations. I have to own the possibility that I am on track to becoming a good therapist who helps people.
During a conversation a few days back, I heard myself say that the goals I set out to accomplish in my letter of intent are actually within reach now. That makes me feel good considering what motivated me to leave urban San Francisco for bucolic New Mexico. I was living in Hunter’s Point, an area known for gang violence and military pollution. After 9.11.2001, I wanted to do something more permanent than protesting in the street or vilifying the president. It still makes me laugh to think that getting an education can be a political statement.
My point is that it hurt to see so many young black males being fed into the justice system as a result of drugs, gangs, or gun violence. It looks like I will be able to begin working with Job Corps here in Albuquerque and transfer back to San Francisco in about a year from now. From there, I can work with young people in order to help the come to grips with their sense of grief or trauma in order to get back on track with life. While that may amount to throwing a thimble full of water onto a forest fire, it makes me proud and encourages me to be a good father for my daughter. I may not have much training to fall back onto in that department, but I’m not afraid to ask for help when I need it. Somehow, that might help.

father's day/ daddy's night

Sunday, 17june7. Few minutes before midnight and I feel the urge to write. i’ll start at the beginning because that just seems like a good place. I’ve been thinking about the baby and her birthday. It looks like we’ll be inducing on Tuesday. It gave me a chance to enjoy a quiet father’s day. I went to work after relaxing w/ ACV a bit. It feels like all of the chaos I keep hearing about is overrated. Maybe it’s because the baby’s not here yet…well, actually.

One of the first things I was thinking abut was how my birthday is around thanksgiving & Camille…who will be referred to as CER from now on…her birthday is near thanksgiving. My father died in an auto wreck a few months after I was born, april 72. I plan on being involved w/ my daughter’s life for much longer. Sure, it’s not like he abandoned my family, but such a viewpoint is irrelevant to a 4 month old. So it’s an interesting twist in my view, the birthday positioning and all that. Me? I love having my birthday around thanksgiving. People are usually in a good mood, the holidays are around the corner, & the weather’s nice a chilly. It’s not super cold yet, but summer’s long gone. I look forward to holidays with my daughter, a chance to celebrate life and its events.

I’ve been reading a few pieces written by fathers. I flipped through a few books on becoming a father. I’m reading a book by this guy in the bay area writing about his first year w/ a new daughter. One of the things I haven’t heard is a voice like mine in the mix. I’d love to promise that I’ll write faithfully, never missing a session of writing twice a much to make up for this or that. I know the person I am & have been so wasting time like that won’t really change much. The problem of what to write about is solved for a while though. I’m really fjording every stream, y’know? I haven’t heard much written by black fathers, or by fathers whose dad was largely out of the picture. Sure, my mum remarried when I was ten, but that’s a lot of formative periods in those years. By the time I was ten, I was in the 4th grade. It was awkward b/c they got married on x-mas day in 81. Being a JW at the time, we didn’t do holidays. None. Birthdays, valentines, st. patty’s, 4th of july…I could go on, but why? Anyway, my step-dad’s birthday is x-mas day actually. It’s pretty funny actually when I think about when in the year a person is born.

So yeah…the whole event was clumsy for me. I look forward to having holidays w/ CER. I’m really not too nervous about being a father. There are so many moments that I want to share that apprehension or trepidation don’t really have much room. Museums and oceans, trains and books, music and forests…so much of that is down the road though, sure. There’s still the delivery & the drive home. I feel like I’m at a good place in my life. I’ve worked hard to get the wheels spinning in my direction. School’s nearly done. The internship is moving forward. Things are going well. It’s something that I’ve had to work on accepting b/c I’m so used to coping or picking up pieces from this or that. I had mentioned a day or two back that it seems like the lesson is to allow the baby to make her own choices. Choosing between reading or singing is still a choice.

It feels like I’m swinging between wanting to write about being a father & what all that means for a while and then I want to swing over to fascination/excitement around CER. It’s an interesting type of generational parallax view.

The Parallax View is Slavoj Zizek's most substantial theoretical work to appear in many years; Zizek himself describes it as his magnum opus. Parallax can be defined as the apparent displacement of an object, caused by a change in observational position. Zizek is interested in the "parallax gap" separating two points between which no synthesis or mediation is possible, linked by an "impossible short circuit" of levels that can never meet. From this consideration of parallax, Zizek begins a rehabilitation of dialectical materialism.
mitpress.mit.edu/catalog/i...efault.asp

so yeah, I think that the tension b/n losing my dad & having a daughter in the last few months of grad school are those “two points.” I’m wrestling w/ the “impossible short circuit” of having some type of early fathering memories to grab hold of when stakes are high. I’ve been reading & asking questions, but nothing really speaks to my emotions. Also, I know that zizek is talking about quantum physics, so I step back a punt. Quantum psychology:

Quantum Psychology is a practical approach to becoming mindful of both the relationship between our automatic responses and what triggers them, as well as the mechanism, itself, of those automatic responses. 
It offers a means to enable you to stay in your adult experience of what is in your present moment, and maintain rather than lose access to inner resources which your automatic responses cut you off from. You are able to notice the mechanism of your automatic response "trance" and exercise control over it. You are then able to respond more effectively, free of the emotional charge of past experiences.

users.skynet.be/sky52523/e...chology.htm

so yeah, I’ve learned a little bit since I left SF, CA for SF, NM. I think that I’ve had a chance to clear up a few of the blurry areas of my life. I think leaving NC helped me become a man, moving to NM gave me a chance to become the man I was. Living in CA forced me to grow up. I felt like I was distracted from academics when I was @ ASU b/c I had to catch up on loads of socializing that I had missed via the isolation of growing up JW. Remember the whole no holiday thing? Well, that extended into birthday parties too. So there were a bunch of mistakes that I made that I might have been able to avoid if I was a bit more experienced. I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything in the world though. it’s what made me who I am now, all of it.

So I haven’t really heard the black dad voice much. I’m not asking why or pointing fingers. Instead, I’m just pointing out an empty space & writing to work through what’s missing in all of the parenting hype in america 2007. First off, I’m not the real target demographic for most of the magazines or whatever trash fits into the mailbox. Next off, I’m looking forward to wearing the baby strap-on deal b/c I know that dropping the baby just happens. I’m torn on the alpha/beta mom issue though. it’s a bit early for me. I really don’t like the knuckle biting frenzy & lean more towards the beta, but there’s still room for discussion. For now, I’m glad that there’s day care @ the gym. It’s easier for me to work out in the winter, so by then the baby will be a few months old & ready for socializing a bit w/ other babies.

Speaking of alpha moms & other babies, I picked up this book called the hurried child. It’s an older book that speaks to the possible effects of constantly running kids from pillar to post w/ sports, music, and homework. I’m not afraid of technology. I feel that I’ll be somewhat effective in passing on a worldview in which my daughter will be somewhat capable of handling most of life’s intricacies and a sense of inner-resourcefulness to handle the rest. The rest is her persona. I’m looking forward to having a few years to get to know her. It’s taken a bit of restraint to go off the deep end with infant personality assessment instruments. It’s nothing to get most measures and having gone through a counseling program at the grad level gets me access to a whole other set that the lay population can’t. (tricky side note: the third level of personality instruments comes from training w/ a licensed institute or individual. The Rorshach ink blot test falls into this category.) I’m intentionally taking off those gloves for now & enjoying the last few hours before it all comes together. Taking time to look out on the landscape that is 35 years. Listening to old faves, combing through a few comics. I recently finished tommy chong’s book from when he was in prison. He quit smoking & promised not to puff again until it’s legal in the US…batman, ghost rider, and usagi yojimbo. Mmm…amor y cohetes. Though I can’t wait to share Palomar or locas, I know that I’ll probably be in my 50’s or older before we can laugh about the stories. Luba & Maggie as bedtime heroes? That’s not even a question. A mayor w/ a hammer & a prosolar mechanic are just as solid archetypes as bast, hera, or sojourner truth. Personally, I’d have to rank ida b. wells a bit higher, but that’s just on the strength of leaving Tennessee after publishing both a newspaper & books on lynching

www.duke.edu/~ldbaker/cl...bwbkgrd.html

www.gutenberg.org/files/149...4975-h.htm

which brings up an interesting question. How to handle the issues of race, class, and gender? By and large, black dads have a history of absence. Finishing college, also not high on the list of average black dads. Grad school has been a load of busy work that’s a bit more important than staying in the lines, but that’s another bedtime story. I want my doctorate and would love to do it at UBC Vancouver. I want to keep writing and maybe teach a few classes at the community college level. So yeah, academics are important and will be down the road…I guess it was ida wells who reminded me that blacks in this country once had their eyes gauged out for learning to read & write. The whole slave thing will be a different lesson than walking, but the whole world is our oyster…

one of the things that sapped loads of my enthusiasm was the whole “don’t get interested in anything b/c the world is going to end anyway” set of beliefs. It took a while to comb through what I didn’t want in order to sort out what I wanted. I had thought about becoming a printer when I was leaving high school, but chose psychology b/c it was more “professional” & not like learning a trade. I has some class issues that pushed me out of learning to run presses. I heard that depression runs rampant in printers because of all the metals in ink & dye. I still love screen printing though & probably will down the road. It’s the urge to create that pushes me to write & draw. I have about 6 months until I’m done w/ my master’s degree & that has been a creative process itself. I haven’t really had much to say about nit all b/c I’m still involved w/ it. I don’t have a clear perspective, so I just keep moving forward…

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legacy of brutality

when discussing our culture of violence, video games and violent movies take much of the blame. I feel that this view tends to limit the scope of the discussion to how young people imitate what they see on the screen…

gamepolitics.com/2007/04/1...-massacre/

this hinders the discussion by taking attention from older criminals committing equally vicious crimes…


“A convicted sex offender says he was proud of an underground bunker he built beneath his home, where prosecutors said he bound two teen girls with duct tape, raped them and left them to die.
Authorities have said the girls managed to escape in March 2006 and tell police about their ordeal in the room that was just 4 1/2 feet deep and roughly the length and width of a midsize car.”

abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory

what movie or video game inspired something like that? Sure, some movies are more violent than others. The same goes with video games. I feel that we have a larger issue at hand and going for the easy answer won’t prevent the next Jonestown, David Koresh, or unibomber. That guy Hinson is 48 years old. If violent movies and games inspire the youth of today to kill and plunder, what gave him his ideas? Where is the marilyn manson of 30-40 years past? The grand theft auto back then was a little more than bits and pixels. That’s how I see it and would love to chat with anyone on the subject…

25mar7: iceberg dworkin

It’s a nice, rainy Friday morning and I’ve decided to write about what’s on my mind even though it’s not a complete set of ideas. What is it? Well, I decided to read about who andrea dworkin really was & what she had to say. her words bring up a number of other ideas for me. First off, I’d like to mention the fact that feminism has been declared dead by at least one writer:

www.theaustralian.news.com.au/sto...html

That’s only part of the idea though. through much of the 90’s, I listened to feminist thought in order to hear what was being said. I didn’t have much to say one way or the other b/c I was a real academic neophyte. I found myself apologizing for indulging in male privilege. Then I took some time to look at the “male movement” to see what they had to say. I found a bunch of white guys working to reclaim their losses. I didn’t feel too welcome, so I took my absence silently. Then I left north Carolina and moved to San Francisco, a real hot bed (pun intended) of sex and ideas. Gone were the moralizing and degradation, the accusations and apologies. I eventually fell in with a group of bisexual writers and artists who were working on a magazine (anything that moves, for those who are interested). I was tapped to guest edit an issue concerning queers of color right around the time of September 11th, 2001…
Where am I going with this personal history lesson? Well, my point is that I’ve wanted to write about sex and sexuality from a more academic point of view for quite some time. It’s been at least 5 years, if not longer. When I sit down to pour out my ideas, I frequently find myself alone. I thought that grad school might be an arena to discuss ideas freely, but ask me about “consciousness 2 weekend” over drinks & I’ll tell you a silly story that ends badly for me. Needless to say, we don’t talk much about sex or sexuality at school, even though we’re training to become therapists. The silliest thing that I’ve found lies somewhere between the list of people not getting any at all and the hook ups between students. I’ve been lucky enough to be in a long- term relationship while I’ve been in grad school. I know the type of slut I am and taking the long walk on a short leash has prevented a few flare ups with individuals who later turned out to have serious issues. I won’t say they’re crazy, out loud. If I pointed fingers & you knew whom I was mentioning, you’d probably agree though…

My point was to explore the space between andrea dworkin and iceberg slim. Yes, the strident feminist and the unashamed pimp. A while back, I purchased a sweatshirt with the phrase “pornography rapes the mind” in big letters across the chest. I wear it from time to time when I feel especially confrontational. I wear it more than my Japanese dick shirt, but that’s what I’m wanting to discuss. There has to be some way to balance the two poles. I realize that the duality itself is a trap. I owe Dr. L. Head for that one. If you’re reading this…thanks. Anyway, my point is that I have issues with feminism that I’ve tried to resolve over the years. Maybe I just haven’t met very many women who identify as feminist in the last few years. I guess that echoes the earlier statement that feminism is dead. I’m willing to admit being wrong, but I need someone to point out vibrant threads within the female community to show me the error of my statement that it might indeed be dead…

Anyway…I had a point that I was making. I know that it may be a bastardization of the two writers’ efforts, but I feel that Dworkin & Slim both had a bit in common:
a) both wrote about women
b) both discussed the roles of women in the bigger social machine
c) both wrote to inspire social change

maybe I’m comparing wrenches and asparagus with this. One of the things that I miss since I’ve moved to new mexico is having someone to bounce ideas off of in times like this. The whole of what I’m saying would be a great thing to chat about over a few pints…which brings me to another point. My grad school experience…I guess that it might be too soon to make comments on the whole of it. I’m not far enough away from the whole thing to have much perspective, but that just sounds like I’m dismissing myself before I’ve even gotten started. I’m the only black guy there, and have been since I started. I saw that this other black guy had graduated from SWC. I tried to contact him awhile back, but that came to nothing. I have two points that I’m making:
a) there are huge swaths of material that aren’t covered in the curriculum that I feel are important (child abuse, sex/sexuality, domestic violence…to name a few topics)
b) being the only black guy in my graduate program has given me cause to complain, but I’ve chosen to use that frustration to fuel my creativity instead. I’d like to have discussions about race and class in a situation where I’m not the only one breaking the homogenous mold. While I’ve wanted to explore race, I’ve really felt stifled by this. Maybe I’ll have a chance to write more about this down the road. I’m looking forward to having some time to write once I’m done w/ school…

anyway, the pimp and the feminist seem to echo the Hendrix/Cosby split in a few ways. Hendrix/cosby??? It’s from an old sonic youth album…the ciccone youth whitey album. Check it out if you’re into 80s noise rock. It’s a bit more coherent than the boredoms, but in the same vein. But Hendrix was more of an outsider while cosby played it safe and has gotten more mainstream acceptance. Anyway, I feel on the outs with mainstream black community and have for years. I grew up as a skate punk in the 80s. take a look at the afro-punk post for more on that. Anyway, the middle and upper class black community hold to a number of conservative concepts like heterosexuality (take a quick look @ the MIAKA controversy to see the hypocrisy and homophobia in the black community), x-tianity, and the value of reputation and appearance. These rub me the wrong way from time to time.
If you know much about me, you know I’m anything but x-tian. Which brings up a funny point: a supreme being. I’m more of a polytheist than atheist or agnostic. I just can’t believe that there’s just one of whatever there is out there. Believing in a supreme entity is one of the primary steps to becoming a freemason. It doesn’t matter who or what that being is, you just can’t be an atheist & a freemason…anyway, I’m saying that I’ve felt like I’m the black male spokesman at school and that puts me in a funny position. How can I be the sole representative for a community that I’m don’t agree with 100% in the first place? it’s like having a stripper talk about feminism. Sure, she can have insight and all that, but your job contradicts some of the points in your argument. I’m not a big fan of hip-hop music, but I love the Detroit sound of house, and Chicago house is one of my long time loves. I love disco & electronic music and probably always will. So I’ve come to terms with being an outsider of sorts, but I’ve found myself having to come from a more mainstream slant from time to time due to the demographics of my school. Maybe that’s what brings me to holding the slim/dworkin poles at the same time. They were both outsiders who struggled with the larger picture of america from their own position on the periphery. Race and gender aren’t discussed often and when they are, they’re usually handled singularly. I feel that does a disservice to each concept and it also perpetuates the pigeonholing of ideas. I’m all for the academic mash-up of interdisciplinary studies. I think that’s really what excites me about getting my doctorate. I want to pull together ideas from here & there. I really am excited about taking some time to work out sports psychology from a grief & loss angle. Isolation is just as, if not more, devastating as cancer or leukemia. Team sports as a community can help one through issues of depression, loss, or bereavement. There’s still a lot of studying and writing to do in this arena, but it’s really exhilarating to build something with the blocks of sports, psychology, bereavement, and therapy. I had wanted the peer review journal to serve as a source of ideas, but it’s going in another direction. That’s fine because I still want an outlet to write, but I guess what I’m saying is that I look forward to being able to chat over a few pints with some old friends b/c I miss the academic stimulation. Grad school has been disappointing in that way for me. I wanted more intellectual sparring instead of emotional soaking. Maybe I chose the wrong school for that, but I’m so close to finishing that it’s easier to just move on and meet my needs somewhere else.
What a drag though…I’ve been accused of being too intellectual a few times. That seems like such a silly claim to make, especially in a graduate program. I understand that the primary emphasis at SWC is emoting and expressing one’s feelings. That’s not a contentious point for me. I just don’t see how thinking and building well planned arguments can be a threat. I’m even willing to admit that intellectual pursuits have been traditionally male dominated arenas, but like I said earlier…I’ve cut my teeth with feminists. I grew up around strong women and am not threatened by smart women with something to say. maybe I just haven’t met many women of color like that in the last few years.
I’m reminded of the last day of my applied models class. A woman came to class and asked us what we saw as our next few steps after graduation. Me? I said that I wanted to work with people who looked more like me than my classmates. I want to soak in a non-white academic experience for a while. I had wanted to find a black grad school, but that brings me back to dealing with a more conservative experience than I had originally planned. It’s a funny experience when I look at the big picture. Maybe going to Canada will be the move for a doctoral program. Spending some time in the bay area will definitely give me some of the cultural resonance that I’ve been missing…

19feb7:i'm in yr x, y-ing yr z

So yeah…Sunday morning & I’m back from the dog walk…she loves it so much that I can’t say no to the dog…real joy…funny bumper sticker…I want to be the person my dog thinks I am…

Been thinking about the body lately...the value of health…wanting to ease the dissonance between my feelings & that of others…how’s that? Well, I feel somewhat irresponsible for getting my girlfriend pregnant…like I dropped the ball or something, y’know? Well, I keep getting congratulations…it’s weird, but I say thanks & all…hmm…gearing up for classes in march…there’s a guy @ work who’s having a baby & we might coordinate & all that…they say that the classes make a big difference b/c it opens a person up to meet other people who are having babies around the same time…more on that later…

Alice Coltrane died in January & I just found out about it over the weekend. I was sorting through video clips & saw some memorial stuff…I thought “memorial…d’oh!”…she was john Coltrane’s widow and an awesome musician in her own right…quick sidenote…today is yoko ono’s 74’th b’day…74? Which actually works out b/c she was in her 30’s during the 60’s when she met john @ a show of her art work…anyway, alice Coltrane…

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www.youtube.com/watch

20+ minute homage to the light that she was…

www.youtube.com/watch

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…wow…we also lost Robert anton Wilson a few months ago…yes, I actually have seen the fnords…thanks for asking…ps – I <3 reverb…

umm…a few things have brought up the concepts of abundance, privilege, wealth, and plenty…me? I tend to see things as an abundance and not a scarcity situation…there’s always more than enough…I found out that everyone doesn’t come from such a world view, and I was shocked by my projections of those people compared to what they were saying…a real “so that’s who you really are” moment…

just like when dude in therapy’s son mentioned the initials of a classmate who his dad was dating…y’know I went right to find a directory after they left…and y’know there’s only one person with those initials…oh damn…

maybe I’ve already said too much, but I had to say something…

anyway…I’ve been thinking about the next steps w/ school & all that…university of british Columbia sounds hot…they have an interdisciplinary doctorate program that may give me the arena to work out the grief & loss angle of sports psychology…they have kinesiology, psych/social work, and a whole health department as well…with the baby on the way, I am looking forward to reading to her about the boring world of theory…I’ve heard that reading to the baby is a good thing…there’s so much that I want to sort through once I’m done with class work in march…one of the good things about the time during my internship is that I can write & read a lot more of what I want to instead of video reviews and book summaries…there’s a bunch of paperwork to do as well though…but yeah…Vancouver is doable…I’d like to get back to SF and get settled next spring…ACV wants to do undergrad in international business, so that gives me time to write a bit & get up to par for applying to doctorate programs…the peer review journal thing is moving & I see myself staying involved with that after I’m done w/ the program…it’s the perfect outlet for me to write…it will be fun to open it up to other schools for submissions…the whole concept keeps me excited b/c it’s what I’ve wanted since the ATM years…for those who may wonder there was this magazine named anything that moves in SF…I worked with them around 2001 & I had been tapped to guest edit an issue…the whole thing fell apart for a number of short term and long term problems…

good thing is that other mag followed & is ripping it up in the world…

www.othermag.org/

mad love for charliegirl!!!!! An awesome writer of the higherest degree…yeah…higherest…go to the highest & then keep on going…’coz I know you can, dammit…

www.charlieanders.com/

anyway…it’s off to slum at what I call my weekend job…urban life can be so hard sometimes… < tiny violins fading > …

11feb7.black culture is really strong

It’s so huge…I don’t even know where to start…so check this…maybe it will clue you in to where I am…

Afro punk trailer:
www.youtube.com/v/5uXCvbIcg58

“Afro-Punk, a 66-minute documentary, explores race identity within the punk scene. More than your everyday, Behind the Music or typical "black history month" documentary this film tackles the hard questions, such as issues of loneliness, exile, inter-racial dating and black power.”

I saw the whole thing when it was here in ABQ. Hot like Atlanta pavement in august @ 330pm. Yeah…great moments in black culture…when discussing the black punk experience two central names come up for me: bad brains and fishbone…yes, there were a few others, but I dare you to name them…what the fuck? You may ask. Well…as much as I hate playing the cultural tour guide, expecting everyone to be on my page, I feel it may be necessary to point out exactly who they were/are/will be…

Bad brains…@ the movies:
www.youtube.com/v/ovlAWgDG8H0

this video is from 1979…yes, 79. I turned 8 that year. I vaguely remember the sex pistols’ american tour being mentioned on TV. That was around 1976. One memory from that era that will always stay with me is Jonestown. It was about a week before my 7th birthday in 1978. The mass suicide left me at a real loss. I could not understand what would make a person wan to snuff it. Another event in the same vein was the death of Freddy Prinz. He died in January of ’77. I totally remember watching him on “chico & the man.” The whole thing just didn’t ring true in my mind at the time. Why would someone want to take their own life? It all served to reinforce a certain cynicism within me. An awareness that nothing mattered because of avarice, jealousy, and greed… speaking of which:

bad brains…I against I:
www.youtube.com/v/1SU-7OxVcOo

this ripped my head off with steel claws the first time I saw it. Nothing had prepared me for that moment. Sure…Hendrix ripped it, but that was 60’s style…I grew up as a skater in the 80’s and it just seemed that hip hop culture was getting all of the attention of black popular culture at the time. This brings me to one of the things that I wanted to mention while writing this. It’s the whole “only black person there” thing. The afro punk trailer opened with that and it really hit me. I brought it up in class a couple weeks back and dug deep into it all. Both my mom & grandmother were registered nurses. My grandmother graduated from Hampton in 1934, definitely old school. From them I learned to push myself towards a certain high level of achievement. It’s what is driving me towards my doctorate. We went into my emotions around being the only black male at a school of about 200 students. I have heard other black writers lament the sense of isolation. It didn’t mean very much until I moved into santa fe. Living in the bay area was more than awesome. It was a sense of home and belonging,

One quick side note: dude who’s wearing glasses who’s talking about running into another black person @ the club plays in TV on the Radio. I know him through some friends & all that. His point is valid though. Even though we may be the only black people @ the spot doesn’t guarantee that we’ll get along. Sure, the same is true in many other subcultures. The thing is that after struggling through so much bullshit to find a sense of safety or solid identity, getting hassled by the one person who could really validate the experience can be very devastating to an individual. Imagine jews hating on each other @ Auschwitz. Another example would be tale bearers during the american slave era. Many people lost their lives at the hands these while struggling for group liberation…

So yeah, black punk. One thing that people may overlook is the fact that punk has two widely different meanings depending upon who uses the term. Punk usually refers to individuals from the sid vicious rebel archetype. At the same time though, it refers to a homosexual within black slang. The term “punk ass bitch” doesn’t really point one to the exploited or dead kennedys….this song by fishbone points towards the confusion of media overload…

fishbone w/ modern industry:
www.youtube.com/v/YF5RVIrm8go

so yeah…media overload…if you’ve hung out w/ me long enough, you probably know that there’s an ever shifting list of favorite new songs. Right now it’s bonde do role’s “melo do tobaco” (ask for it by name). For a while it was anything by “she wants revenge” or that track by the faint “take me to the hospital.” For a long time though, this was my favorite song when it came out back in the day. I vaguely remember seeing this video on MTV, but definitely not on BET. Which brings me to a really interesting cultural phenomena: house music. House isn’t techno, but they’re very friendly neighbors. the issue that I bring up is that most black radio stations avoided techno like the plague in the 80’s & 90’s. this isn’t a 100% thing though b/c there were stations in Chicago and new york that did pay attention to the clubs who were playing this stuff.

A big piece of the problem is that hip hop maintains a certain hyper-masculine façade that obscures almost anything else, especially the possibility of alternative sexual practices which may be found in the disco. The cultural gaze of most fails to see the variations of tone in the other’s culture.
If you asked me the difference between different eras of classical or country music, I would be hard pressed to provide details. At the same time, if the average american was questioned about the difference between 80’s and 90’s Japanese pop music, they would not have much to say.

Here in america, the fear of homosexuality plays out in black culture with various results. Black homophobia is really an interesting situation. Black masculinity has been redefined by each era of american culture and what we have now is a highly distilled amalgam of internally produced and externally applied behaviors and concepts. One question that I continue to wrestle with is whether or not what young black men claim as being their culture spawns from within them, is a collection of adopted traditions from their peers and elders, or maybe some third or fourth possibility. This concerns me with homosexuality. So much of what I see as external homosexual behavior seems to be an assortment of bitchy cattiness, flamboyant histrionics, and other “gay” catchphrases. Where are the strong gay men in popular culture? Where does a young homosexual male find a model for responsible, level-headed behavior “in the life?”

Another thing that bothers me is the excitement surrounding young black men adopting self destructive patterns because they feel that such is their cultural heritage, a legacy of pimps, junkies, hustlers, and whores. I look back further to the age of black empire for inspiration. Names like mansa musa or ibn batuta come to mind. The whole journey of mansa musa still stands out as one of the more baller moments in world history. Apparently, dude gave away so much gold that it drove down the value of it for more than a decade after he was done travelling. If you haven’t heard of dude, it’s an awesome story from world history. < en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mansa_Musa > (one of the funnier parts of the story is that he ran out of money on the way back home.) Axum, Mali, Songhay, Kush…there are so many to name that I just get lost. I look forward to sharing the tales with my daughter when she arrives. The best part of all that for me is the fact that they were black and they were much more glorious than the age of Arthurian England.

The whole of it boils down to the fact that black culture is strong. I’ll close this with one of my favorite songs…when problems arise by fishbone…. Hula girls and fishbone? Sounds like a good idea to me…

when problems arise:
www.youtube.com/v/ZaRQmZjicM8

rock, rock on…