here's my final paper for internship class...thought i'd share since i haven't posted in a bit:

Joel Reed
31August7

“There's a common law enforcement / military / emergency preparation saying: ‘In a crisis, you will not rise to the occasion, but merely default to your level of training.’ ”

The above quote comes from a response to a friend’s blog. It does not belong to me, but it sums up my present emotions succinctly. The whole discussion started with my friend talking about having to take her daughter to the hospital with a high fever. She often talks about the frustration of parenting along with the joy. Finishing my internship with a newborn in tow has proven to push all of my buttons and even a few of which I was previously unaware. While in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and dashed on the rocks, I have found a new sense of inner resolve that stems from what I have learned in pursuit of my master’s degree.
When I started back in the fall of 2004, I was brash, cocky, and ready for a fight. Now, as I finish my internship hours, those same adjectives apply, but they no longer mask insecurity or apprehension. Instead of trying to fill the holes in my life with stuff, books, or other people, I have come to a place where those empty spaces have been filled by personal growth. This year has challenged everything I know and believe. I have become both a freemason and a father. In a few weeks, I will become a master of the art of counseling. Each has shown me that the things I have been seeking have been within me this whole time. While part of me feels like Dorothy at the end of “The Wizard of Oz”, another part of me looks forward to the challenges ahead.
I now see that I have had the personal fortitude to accomplish whatever I choose all along. I feel that a real transformation has occurred in that the doubts and insecurities that plagued me in the past have faded in the light of conscious awareness. A prime example of this occurred last week during a group I have been running. One of the members stated that she wanted to just let go and live off the street. She wanted revenge on the drunken individual who struck her, causing severe physical and neurological damage. Instead of feeling threatened, I was able to respond from what I learned in class and during my time with San Francisco Suicide Prevention Hotline. I let her know that ultimately the choice was hers. At the same time, that choice would affect others around her. She would leave a number of people behind if she chose to die and they would definitely feel some type of loss. I avoided laying a guilt trip on her while involving the rest of the group at the same time. We all live in a community of one sort or another and it is easy to lose sight of how our choices affect our friends and family.
After group was over, I took some time to debrief with my supervisor because I tend to minimize the impact of events. I told her what had happened and we spent some time talking about it all. Even though it seemed to be somewhat ordinary, I had to admit that I had to go above and beyond my usual skill set. I had to bring out some of the more specialized tools in order to put her issues into a context where she went from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted to feeling supported and involved. To me, that is nothing special. I believe anyone could do that. Again, minimizing is an old habit of mine. When I heard praise for how I handled the situation, an awkward feeling overtook me. I have to admit that I have learned how to not only handle crisis situations, but I am also able to empower people feeling the desperation of suicide. Not everyone can do that and make it seem easy, in a group or one on one situation.
Instead of denying or arguing with complements, I have begun listening to the core message. I enjoy praise and contradicting it tends to prevent more from coming my way. While this may seem simple, this lesson has eluded me for years and years. My point is that while I felt awkward hearing that I did the right thing, someone noticed what I did and let me know that. Accepting that fact is a huge step for me because I usually feel like I handled things clumsily at best and sloppily at worst. My internship experience has shown me that I actually am capable of applying what I learned in class in real world situations. I have to own the possibility that I am on track to becoming a good therapist who helps people.
During a conversation a few days back, I heard myself say that the goals I set out to accomplish in my letter of intent are actually within reach now. That makes me feel good considering what motivated me to leave urban San Francisco for bucolic New Mexico. I was living in Hunter’s Point, an area known for gang violence and military pollution. After 9.11.2001, I wanted to do something more permanent than protesting in the street or vilifying the president. It still makes me laugh to think that getting an education can be a political statement.
My point is that it hurt to see so many young black males being fed into the justice system as a result of drugs, gangs, or gun violence. It looks like I will be able to begin working with Job Corps here in Albuquerque and transfer back to San Francisco in about a year from now. From there, I can work with young people in order to help the come to grips with their sense of grief or trauma in order to get back on track with life. While that may amount to throwing a thimble full of water onto a forest fire, it makes me proud and encourages me to be a good father for my daughter. I may not have much training to fall back onto in that department, but I’m not afraid to ask for help when I need it. Somehow, that might help.