So I just left the baby w/ some women I just met. I know, it sounds crazy to me as well. She’s @ this agency where a friend of ACV’s leaves her son, so that’s a very good recommendation. Also, we went by yesterday & chatted w/ the director. I believe that was her position, but I’m really not sure. They were really nice & answered my questions without being defensive or condescending. That was a major piece for me b/c we’ve been to a few places & they made me feel uneasy. Here I am working on my master’s in counseling; I’m almost done w/ internship. I should be done in a couple of months. Anyway, some of the people have been real snooty towards us. That wasn’t the case @ this place & that was a big piece for me. Also, when we were there this morning, the women said that the attachment anxiety I was feeling was normal which really put me at ease. I have heard a few people say that there aren’t many dads involved with their kids and that’s really shocking to me. It just seems natural for me to be there for CER. The house feels empty without her, but I’m stoked about being able to just sit & write for awhile without having to worry about a screaming baby. I had forgotten what the house was like when it’s just me here. Well, maybe not totally forgotten but I had gotten used to the idea of babysitting. I guess that what I’m saying is that I’m into the whole parenting thing. It feels awkward sometimes b/c I don’t see many other black dads working through it all. at the same time though, the guys @ the lodge have been really supportive & offered encouragement. The flowers they sent were real nice too…

But I’d like to look into doing something around fatherhood though. when we were doing the birthing & parenting classes, the guys seemed to be along for the ride instead of really getting what they needed as far as info or support. Sure, I’m projecting some, but I read an article that suggested all male parenting classes helped guys to get more involved in the whole scene. I can agree with that b/c so much of the focus is on the mommy, and that makes sense. I think that daddy needs some type of support as well though. there are a number of guy things that don’t really get much attention. Like what? Well, for me, no one mentioned the fact that I would be changing a naked girl baby. I’m not sexually attracted to my daughter by any stretch of the imagination, but when I see naked vaginas, a certain set of attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors are cued. I have to put all that on the shelf & finish the job @ hand. Diapers are nasty, but I’m pretty much used to the fact that I’ll be changing them for a couple of years. Also, I don’t think that the baby’s all that cute anymore. Lovable? Yes, but with all the crying & screaming, the cuteness has worn thin. Sure, when she smiles and gurgles, I’m enraptured, but I know what’s underneath that. So yeah, I think that having some type of all male parenting class is something for me to do. I’ve been running groups for a few months & am about to get onto the licensure track. How hard would it be to gear up w/ other daddies? It’s something to look into once I’ve gotten everything done w/ school. I’m sure that there’s more men who feel the same way about kids. Maybe some wanted to have them & set out on that path, but I know that some guys are just along for the ride. Getting them involved can only help the family structure b/c dads are important. I’m sure that there’s some grief, loss, or trauma involved in all of that. For me, I’m facing the hole where my dad wasn’t. he died a few months after I was born, so I have no solid memories of him. I feel like the whole thing is an extended ad lib for me. People have said that I’m a good dad, but even that doesn’t ring true for me since I don’t have a frame of reference for what a good dad is or isn’t. I’ve been reading up on child abuse & neglect lately, so I know a bit more about that now. The thing is that I’m doing what comes naturally. I heard that was a good place to start. I’m not afraid of asking questions either…

I’ve been looking at the jobs that are out there for a master’s level student and there are quite a few. The latest angle for me is the connection between jobs offered and my specialty: grief, loss, & trauma counseling. Like I saw a listing for an academic counselor. Getting through graduate school definitely makes on an academic, but where’s the connection? Also, I have seen a number of listings for case managers. Part of me is reluctant to go that route. Why? It doesn’t seem like a good fit in my eyes. Maybe that’s something for me to bring up w/ my therapist who’s gone through this whole route before. He’s been doing therapy for 10-15 years, so that makes him a good source for answering my questions. One of the best things I heard was that it will probably take 3-5 years to get ready for private practice if only b/c no one really knows me & probably won’t refer clients my way as a result. Getting settled in the bay area will definitely be a great place to do some work b/c I’ve wanted to support the black community since I left. Now I’m in a much better position to do so. That really feels good to me b/c I won’t have quite as much of a barrier to work through. Instead of having to work through race, I’ll have to focus more on class differences. I wouldn’t mind buying a house in HP off 3rd street though. some of those houses are nice. I’m looking forward to getting back in a major way. Words don’t even come close to describing the emotions I feel when I think about it all: the food, the beach, the music, my friends, the culture…

Speaking of culture, I have been wrestling with a question and ultimately I have to admit that I’m just a big nerd. I’m fine with such a description b/c school is pretty interesting for me. The question: “Is pop culture “dumbing down” america?” was posed by my brother a few days back. (yes, we’re talking again. That’s a whole other deal) my response is that pop culture is like eating fast food. If that’s all one consumes then there are resulting issues with a direct connection from such a diet. I have to admit that I am in the outlying minority though b/c the norm these days seems to be moving away from actively engaging what one consumes and towards tying on the feedbag of media. At the same time, I realize that the mainstream is and has been the majority. I am much more finicky about what I like for movies, books, or tv. My music tastes are eclectic at best. House music has never gotten mainstream approval. The disco backlash seems to be balanced by the 90s rave scene. I just don’t want to admit to the anesthetizing effect of pop culture. I resist fascination with celebrity and glamour. It means nothing to me b/c I don’t know anyone who lives like that in my daily life. None of the big names interest me, but that doesn’t stop the Hollywood machine from churning out scandals, photos, and drama week after month after year. As far as dumbing down, I wonder about the stats regarding higher education. Have less doctorates or masters degrees been distributed in the last 10-20 years? Is the question harkening back to some “golden age” when celebrity meant less and young people were focused on something else? To me, the whole thing feels like a trap. It’s one of those questions with an implied yes answer. [this is x, isn’t it? Only a fool would believe something like that, no?] I guess that some of that media literacy stuff sank in along the way through school. to me, a lot of that stuff seemed obvious, but maybe I’m the only one who sees things that way. I don’t really care if I am, I’ve gotten used to such a long time back…